by Scott, S. L.
She had no money to fight my father for custody. His insurance company was booming, and she walked away with twenty dollars. I still consider her the lucky one because she got out. She remarried and had another kid when I was ten.
But summers? They were ours. Summers with her were my favorite time of year. I realized I didn’t need to accept every negative word said to me. Some people, like my dad’s sister, Eileen, were just cruel and cold. Saying goodbye to my mother and little brother was the worst.
And now? I’m stuck in the middle of a different custody battle, trying to save Alfie from drowning in the negativity. I want to show him the ocean, let him run free in the sunshine. I want him to feel like I felt in the summertime. Loved. Cherished. Affirmed.
That’s the life I want to give him, the one he deserves. Cassie asked me to raise him in her absence, so I can’t expend energy where it won’t do me any good. I’ll need it for the battle ahead.
Thinking of the energy I need, I finally pour my first cup of coffee and down one more while getting ready for the day.
After texting Jet the time and place, I’ve gone through at least four outfits and none feel right. I take my aunt’s suggestion and pull a sky blue dress from the hanger, put it on, wrap my waist with a thin leather silver belt, and slip on a green sweater to end this battle. I slide on a pair of wedges because height means power, and if shoes give me any kind of advantage against Jet Crow, then I’ll take it.
3
Jet
I could have asked one or both of my brothers to come with me, but I didn’t. This just feels like something I should do on my own.
You don’t find out every day you have a kid. Feels right to find out first before he’s subjected to the crazy that are my brothers. If this kid is mine, I don’t want him overwhelmed. He might need time to adjust to me much less the Crow clan.
Sitting in my truck, I stare at the building in front of me—DNA Testing Lab. Hannah said I’ll be able to tell he’s mine just by looking at him. If that’s true, then why did she ask me to meet her here?
I guess it’s good to be sure.
A familiar blue car pulls in a few spaces down from mine. I’m tempted to lean over and get a better look inside, but I don’t. I try to play it cool, but my heart’s thudding against my chest. I’m twenty-six years old, and the idea of being a dad is way out of my comfort zone. But if I am?
Shit.
Why am I so nervous?
Hannah’s right. My whole life is about to change, but I think I’m okay with it.
I pop the lock and get out. After closing the door, I run my hands down the front of my thighs. I’m nervous. I’m fucking nervous. I’m never nervous. I play in front of hundreds of people every night. I’ve played in front of thousands before and didn’t miss a beat.
This is different. Today, I might be about to hop right on this parenting train and hope I don’t fuck this whole thing up. He lost his mother. For him, I’ll need to be both. I’ll need to be everything he needs and hope it’s enough.
Not sure what to do, I put my hands in my pockets and wait in front of my car. Hannah gets out, and she steals my breath away. She’s springtime come to life in a pretty blue dress and green sweater. Her long brown hair is worn in a ponytail high on her head, and her lips are sweet pink.
“Hi,” I dare to say, not sure how to react and trying not to sound like an idiot.
“Hey. How are you?” she asks, walking to the back door and opening it.
“Nervous.”
She laughs. “Me too.” Turning her attention to the back seat, she says, “Come on, Alfie. It’s okay.”
A little hand reaches up, and she holds it as he jumps out.
This is it.
I might have a son. I never thought this would be the way I’d meet my child.
Did Cassie know she was pregnant the last time I saw her? Is that why she was so angry with me? Why she came at me after we had already broken up?
Had she intended to tell me the last time I spoke to her, but instead, got mad and walked away? Was it anger that blinded her to what she knew she should do—tell me that she was pregnant with my child?
Knowing I’ll never get answers is what drives me mad. I barely slept last night because the more I thought about this kid and how he needed his dad, the more I realized that maybe I needed him too. Maybe he was my redemption for all the trouble I’ve been in. Maybe he’s a gift from the heavens, my mom watching over my brothers and me and giving us something good again. Something we wouldn’t want to screw up. Something for me to make the changes we probably need to make with my life.
Do I want to live my life content, or do I want to make it amazing?
This doesn’t just affect my life, though. My brothers and the band will forever change—whether good or bad remains to be seen.
I became the man of Mom’s house when she needed backup with my brothers. I became more after she died.
I’ve played that role before, but this could be real. This could be my role for life. That’s a lot to take on when just last night I was fucking around on stage barely getting by paying my bills but loving every second of playing those songs in front of a crowd.
I’m satisfied right now. Sure, I want more—a deal and some security—but this has been a good life. I can live off what I’m paid to pursue my passion.
I can’t if I’m supporting two. Kids have needs, expenses, and need more than love to give them the life they deserve.
Am I equipped to do that? Am I ready to do it?
I quit college after two years so Rivers and Tulsa could go—tough decisions a twenty-one-year-old had to make for the future of his family.
I understand sacrifice. When needed, I’ve always found a way.
Will that be enough?
I’ve missed so much that I’m unsure if he’ll even accept me into his life at this point.
Lying in bed last night, I couldn’t turn my brain off. I imagined every possible scenario when meeting Alfie.
Will I be enough?
What if he hates me?
What if he’s a terror?
What if . . .
If he’s a Crow, that’s enough for me. There’s no way to predict how much things will change, but I’ll do my damned best for him, to do right by this kid.
Standing here, my hands are sweating. Nothing prepared me for this.
My nerves, my fears settle when I see his little face.
It’s not bewilderment on his face, though. It’s recognition and a smile. While I stare at this kid like I’m seeing myself at that same age, he says, “I know you.”
“You do?” I reply, my nerves put to rest.
“Where’s your ka-tar?”
Chuckling, I ask, “My guitar? It’s at home.” I kneel, though there’s still some distance between us. “Do you like the guitar, Alfie?”
“I like music. Will you play for me?”
“Sure. Anytime, buddy.” My gaze slides to Hannah. Standing back up, I ask, “Are you wanting proof?”
Moving Alfie in front of her, she holds him as if she’s trying to keep him with her forever. “Are you?”
I could go in and take a paternity test, but I don’t have to. Not only is Alfie a little version of me with his dark hair and the matching and frustrating cowlick at the crown of his head, but everything from his eye shape to dimples are versions of mine too. He may have the color of his mother’s eyes, but the rest is all me. “I don’t need it.”
She signals to the car. “I brought the paperwork for you to sign.” I don’t have to say anything for her to know how I’m feeling. Her arms tighten around him, and her words are quick. “It’s just two lines to sign, and then we can let you get back to your life.”
“You were right last night.”
“About?” she asks, a faint tremble weakening her strong façade.
“My life will never be the same.” With my eyes on my son, my heart expands, and I add, “It will be better. I’m willing to do what
I need when it comes to raising Alfie.”
He flies from her arms and runs into mine with a hard thump against my chest. For a kid who’s never met his father, this was not what I expected.
I stand with my son in my arms—taking in his small build, and kid smell, and arms that squeeze me as hard as I’m embracing him—and know this is right.
I catch a glimpse of Hannah with tears in her eyes, matching the ones in mine, just before I close my eyes and tuck my head against his shoulder.
I’ve not been around many kids since I was one and don’t have many friends with them, so I didn’t know I’d feel this way. How is it that a heart that feels so normal one minute can be so open and welcoming in such an unexpected way the next?
“You’re squeezing too hard,” Alfie says, causing me to laugh.
“Sorry, little dude.” Keeping him eye level, I continue holding him in my arms to look at him up close. I see a little of Rivers’s chin, too much of Tulsa’s mischief in his smile, and Cassie’s eyes. “The Crow genes are strong.” I glance at Hannah, who shifts, appearing not to know what to do with herself.
She exhales a deep breath and wipes the corner of her eye with the back of her hand. “Yeah.” Her reply is so quiet that I barely hear her.
Setting Alfie down, I whisper, “I need to talk to Hannah in private, okay?”
He nods and sits down on the curb. It’s only about seven or eight feet away, but an overwhelming need to protect him comes over me. Much like she felt when she was holding him. I fight it because I need to talk to her where he can’t hear. I lean against her car. When she turns toward me, I keep my voice low. “I won’t give him away.”
“I had a feeling,” she replies, glancing back at Alfie. When her eyes return to mine, she sighs. “He’s like my own child. I love him, Jet.”
A foreign stab deep inside makes me rub my hand over my chest. “I meant what I said yesterday. I won’t keep him from you. You’re all he knows. You and Cassie’s mom. He needs you. You’re his family.”
When a tear starts to slip down her cheek, I reach out reflexively to stop it from falling. “Don’t cry, Hannah. We have to be strong for Alfie. We have to work together to make his transition easier.”
“Transition?” Her shoulders fly back, and her eyes go wide. “He’s not ready for that. You can’t just have him. That . . . that . . . that won’t work. No.” She rushes to Alfie and pulls him up by the hand. “You’re not taking him right now if that’s what you think.”
Alfie’s eyes are darting back and forth between us, unrest settling in his eyes. I don’t want to hurt him. Fuck, I don’t want to hurt her either, but now that I have my son, I want to be there for him.
She leans down and whispers in his ear. He nods while staring at me. The secrets between them make me uncomfortable, so I step up. “What do I need to do to bring him home with me?”
Hannah says, “He doesn’t have his stuff or his clothes. He just came from school.”
“He’s in school so soon after his moth—”
“He likes school. We thought it best if he was up for it, then he should go to play, to learn, and to be with his friends.”
I’m at a loss. This kid, my kid has lost his mother and found me all in the span of two weeks. Am I doing the right thing? Maybe he does need Hannah and his grandmother right now. Maybe it’s too soon for me to change his life after his world has already been altered forever.
Shit. What do I do?
She opens the back door and directs him inside. Seeing his car seat causes me to pause. There are so many things I don’t know. Am I ready to be a dad? Am I ready to be a father to a six-year-old?
The door is about to close, but I halt it and lean in. He reaches out and rests his hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay to be just okay, Jet.”
The light he shines inside the darker recesses of my heart is too bright and reflects in my smile. “There’s a lot of stuff Hannah and I will be working through to make this transition as smooth and easy as possible for you. I know I speak for both of us when I say that you and your happiness are most important.”
“So will I stay with Grandma and Hannah, or am I coming home with you?”
He’s smart. So much smarter than I thought kids his age would be. He’s had to be, considering what he’s survived. I rub the back of his head, leaning my forehead to his. “I want you to live with me. I want to see you every day.” As much as it pains me, I put my fate in his hands. “I want to see you every day, Alfie. But for now”—and it pains me to say it—“you might have to stay with your cousin and grandmother. Is that okay?”
He tilts his head, just the way I do, and says, “Mommy would read me books, lots of books, and sometimes, she would whisper secrets in my ear. Do you want to hear one of our secrets?”
“Can you tell me, or is that breaking some secret code?”
He giggles. “She told me I could tell you this secret.”
“What is it?”
“She told me I was lucky to have you. Are you lucky to have me?”
Hearing that Cassie said that makes me think she didn’t think of me as the monster I’ve been led to believe, and relief courses through me. Hannah and I will need to talk more about this, but right now, I have the cutest kid wanting to hear he’s loved and wanted. It’s easy to answer him. “The luckiest, buddy. We all are, and I can’t wait to get to know everything about you.”
“Will you show me how to play a ka-tar?”
My smile returns. “I’d like that.”
He looks past me at Hannah, guilt changing his features. His fingers twist in his lap, and he whispers, “I love Hannah.”
From over my shoulder, she sniffles. “I’ll always love you, Alfie. No matter what happens or where you live, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here for you.”
I may be breaking her heart, but her kindness still shows. I’m thinking she’s rubbed off on Alfie, and for that, I can only be grateful. I lean in and kiss the top of his head. “Thanks for going easy on me, kid.”
He giggles. “When will I see you again?”
“Very soon. Hannah and I still have to work it out but soon. You take care of her and your grandma, okay?”
He grabs a juice box and takes a noisy sip, then says, “I will. I’m the man of the house. My mommy told me so.”
Every time he mentions Cassie, I can’t help but feel devastated inside—for his loss, everyone else’s, and mine. I’m struggling to be kind when I know damn well that if she hadn’t passed away, I might never have known I have a son. Hearing she said one kind thing about me to him doesn’t soothe the anger I feel inside, but for him, I’m going to have to remember the good times we had together. “Bye, Alfie.”
“Bye.”
I shut the door and close my eyes, needing a second to gather my thoughts and push down the sadness I feel from having to say that farewell. I keep my tone down just in case he can hear through the closed window. “He’s an amazing kid. I appreciate everything you, Cassie, and your aunt have done for him, but I’m ready to step in and be a parent to him.”
“You say that with such conviction now, but nothing in your life is child-ready, much less your schedule. What are you going to do if you have a show?”
“What every other single parent who works does. I’ll find help.”
“So just like that. You have all the answers, and there’s no changing your mind even in the best interest of Alfie?”
“There’s no changing my mind. I’m sorry. I know you thought you’d get a different answer, but I’m not letting someone else raise my son just because it might be difficult for me.”
“You don’t have a bed for him or know his routine,” she starts before the tears fall. “What happens when he misses his mom? You don’t even have photos of her.”
“I don’t have a lot of things, but I have him, and we’ll get through it together. Beds, photos, everything he needs, I’ll get him. I’d like your help, but if you think it’s too much—”
“Jet?” Her shoulders shake with a gentle sob.
She’s beautiful dressed in tears, but never seeing her sadness again has become my mission. I wish I could make her happy, but it seems I only know how to ruin her life. “Yeah?”
Turning her back to the car, she comes around and uses my body as a shield. I assume so Alfie can’t see or hear. “I can see how much you care for him. I can also see how happy he is to finally meet you, but I must warn you, we’re still going to fight for him.”
“I have no doubt. I don’t know what rights I have other than biology, but I hope you understand why I want to be there for him.”
“I don’t fully, not yet, but as his father, you have that right.”
“So you think I’m the bad guy?”
“I have a weakness for bad boys, or I wouldn’t have slept with you. As for the bad guy, I guess we’ll see.”
“I don’t remember much sleeping.”
She laughs. “There was very little.” The laughter fades with her smile. “I hope you know that this may be a battle, but it’s not a war. At the end of the day, we’ll be there for him however we can be. I just hope it’s each night. I can’t imagine going to bed without seeing his sweet face and kissing his cheek.”
“I want to be responsible for my son. There will be changes, but hopefully, they will be what’s best for Alfie.”
“I hope so too.” She reaches out as if she’s about to touch me, but her arm goes back to her side. “I need to go, but I’ll text you the information regarding the process to claim custody.”
Stepping back, I take the top of the door and open it wide for her. “Thanks.” I wave once more. “See you, Alfie.”
He waves, and the door shuts.
My gaze and Hannah’s connect once more before she starts the car and backs up. I watch as they drive away, wondering if I should have insisted he stay?
I did that once with her, and it didn’t work. I have a feeling it wouldn’t have worked with her regarding him today. Either way, I can’t help but feel my whole world just drove away.
