by Scott, S. L.
Fuck. It’s not just her hands I miss.
I miss her.
She pulls a tissue from her pocket and wipes her eyes, making me feel bad for how things turned out, my heart hurting for hers. It makes me wonder how she would feel about me if she had won.
We didn’t know how entangled our lives were when we first met. They’ve become more twisted since. When our eyes meet now, I understand the sadness I saw in them then, but I’ve layered more troubles to make them grayer.
Alfie is my son, though. I get that Hannah Nichols is protective of him. She was there when I wasn’t, but it wasn’t by my choice but his mother’s. I’m here now, and it wouldn’t be right to let someone else raise him when I created him. He’s not just a responsibility. He’s a part of me.
Hannah may be sad to lose him full time, but we’re both stuck in this odd temporary arrangement of shared custody for the next two months. I’m determined to make her see that I can be what he needs long after this deal expires.
When I stand, she leaves her aunt’s side, comes over, and bends in front of Alfie. Taking his free hand, she says, “My number is in your bag. Call me anytime you want—day or night. If you need anything—”
I say, “I’ll make sure he gets whatever he needs.”
Standing up, she tightens her mouth into a straight line, her eyes blazing with the things she wants to say. Her tongue is still slick, willing to burn me with an insult. “You’re new to parenting.”
“I’ll learn.”
“What happens when he gets a fever?”
“I’ll call his doctor.”
“What about if he falls off his bike?”
Crossing my arms over my chest in annoyance, I reply, “I’ll make sure he’s wearing a helmet before getting on.”
“And if he scrapes his knee?”
“Then he scrapes his knee and we’ll bandage it.”
“What about—”
“Is this a pop quiz?”
Her shoulders fall, and she looks down. “I’m sorry. I just—”
That’s when I see her, the real her, the girl I once knew for a night when the world wasn’t trying to ruin everything good we had. Reaching out, I touch her wrist, tempted to encircle it with my hand. It’s small enough, at least in comparison. It’s probably just a memory making me want things I can’t have. I shove down my personal wants because they don’t matter anymore. When she looks up, I say, “I understand. I won’t let anything happen to him.”
Her aunt snaps, “Hannah.”
“I’ll be right there,” she replies, looking back. Eileen Barnett has not said two words to me since she walked in. She barely acknowledges my existence, but she had plenty of nasty things to tell the judge while I sat there and bit my tongue.
All of it bullshit she’s made up in her head.
I defended myself as if I was charged with the crime of taking her daughter out on a few dates. I was nineteen when I met Cassie. I wasn’t in love, but I liked her a lot. Her mother never approved of me, and even then, my gut told me she was behind the change in Cassie’s feelings for me too.
Hannah dips down again to hug Alfie, so tight as if she’ll never see him again. Desperation coats her voice and mingles with the tears she’s stifling. “I’ll see you in a few days, okay?”
“Okay,” he replies with his arms around her neck. He kisses her on the head and smiles. “I’m going to make ramen noodles for Jet. Just like I make for you.”
“Your specialty.” Her smile is wide, but I can see it’s put on for him. When she stands again, she says to me, “Two days. Please have him ready at noon.”
“We’re not enemies, Hannah.”
Her hands fly to cover Alfie’s ears, and she grits her teeth. “Don’t talk about us in front of him. There is not an ‘us’ except when it comes to him. For him, we have to stand as a united front, not talk of being enemies.”
Her anger is palpable, but I have a feeling it’s more than anger she’s feeling. The pain is heard in her voice. I want to make her feel better, to ease the heartbreak that rivals her joy, but I also have a right to spend time with my son and a chance to get to know him without an audience judging everything I do. Time with him was stolen from me prior to now, and I intend to make up for it. “We should get going.”
Stepping back, she gives us space. “You have my number if you have any questions, Mr. Crow.” We’re back to Mr. Crow again?
“You don’t have to be formal with me. Jet will do.”
“I’m not sure—”
She was damn sure of my name when she called it out three times. “It seems our past is clearly another time and place, far from this reality.”
Reaching to cover Alfie’s ears again, she snaps, “I made a mistake.”
Her claws come out when she feels threatened. Good to know. “We weren’t a mistake. You may have walked away that day, but I could see it meant more than you were letting on. You were just too caught up in your head to recognize what we were.”
“Caught up in my head? My cousin was fighting for her life. I’ve not had the luxury of being caught up in my own head in longer than I can remember. So don’t come at me like we were more than . . .” She stops talking and looks around. Her aunt is impatiently waiting at the doors to leave. Her hands tighten over Alfie’s ears, who’s looking a little annoyed, and she whispers, “For Alfie’s sake and mine, let’s forget anything ever happened between us.”
Impossible, sweet Hannah. She really has no clue . . . Leaning in, I whisper in her ear, “It will be hard to forget one of the best nights of my life, but I guess I’ll try.”
My confession seems to catch her off guard. Her lips part as I pull back, and she stares into my eyes. Just when I think she’s about to say something, she takes a deep breath instead and drops her hands to her sides. “He should be in bed by seven, and his favorite nightlight is in the bag. Make sure he brushes his teeth both morning and ni—”
“Got it. See you Friday.”
Alfie smiles. “Bye, Hannah.”
“Love you,” she says, causing me to look back. Her eyes dart from Alfie’s to mine.
“Love you, too,” he replies as we walk out of the courtroom and into the lobby where my brothers have been waiting. He’s looking around, over his shoulder, and back down the open lobby. I know he’s looking for his grandma. “Where’s Grandma?”
Though I wish she didn’t, she can hate me all she wants, but Alfie, he doesn’t deserve anything less than love and support. “I don’t know, buddy. Maybe she’s outside. Let’s go look.”
Rivers says, “Go get the truck, Tulsa.”
Tulsa doesn’t question the order. He feels the tension. We all do.
When we exit, she’s still nowhere to be found. I really hope she doesn’t make this situation worse by her actions, judging by her words inside.
My brother’s Bronco is parked at the curb, so we follow Rivers down the steps. I stop Alfie just out of hearing distance from everybody else and squat so I’m at eye level. “My home is your home. Are you ready to go see it?”
Out of the corners of my eyes, I see her walking to her car in the distance. Her aunt is waving her hands, furious if I’m reading her body language correctly. “Hey, there’s your grandma.”
“Grandma,” he shouts, dashing toward her.
Standing there, I watch carefully. I won’t let her hurt him. He won’t be a casualty in her war. I’m relieved when she hugs him. He jumps up into Hannah’s arms, and she squeezes him tight, just as tight as he hugs her.
She dabs her eyes with tissues and then to him, she nods my way. When he comes running back, I feel her eyes on me and look up. Giving her a little wave, I open the door for him. “Climb in.”
He asks, “How about ice cream?”
I laugh. “Nice try, kid. Dinner first. Ice cream after.”
“Oh, man,” he says, sounding disappointed as we start walking again. “I thought this would be fun.”
“Fun and spoiled are two dif
ferent things.”
“That’s what Hannah always says.”
“Hannah’s pretty wise.”
“She’s pretty, too,” he says, surprising me.
Chuckling, I nudge his shoe with mine. “You’re too young to be into girls.”
Tulsa adds, “Anyway, she’s your cousin, Alfie. That means off-limits.”
Alfie’s quick to reply, “For me, but for Jet she’s on-limits.”
After the shock wears off that he actually just said that, I ruffle his hair. “Hey,” I start, “what do you know about on-limits?”
“I’m six, not dumb. I know all about the birds and the bees. Grandma has HBO.”
Good grief, this kid. He’s going to keep me on my toes. Goodbye single days. Hello parenting. “Remind me to cancel Cinemax, Rivers.”
Rivers laughs as I slide into the back after Alfie, as he takes the passenger seat. My legs are cramped back here, and I’m tempted to kick my little brother out of the prime real estate up front, but this transition time with Alfie is important. So I stay after I give a hard shove with my knee into the back of the seat. “A little legroom would be nice.”
“Welcome to my world, bro.”
This is like living in an alternate universe. I’m usually the one in charge, but things have changed dramatically over the last week. I’ll be in charge, but it’s not just my brothers and me anymore. Life won’t be all fun and games, playing music late into the night, or going home with a chick after a gig when the right opportunities come around.
Surprisingly, I’m not bothered by the change. Alfie comes first.
7
Jet
I’m a sucker for those big eyes and little dimples when he smiles. Alfie got his wish. After we finish two scoops of ice cream with whipped cream and chocolate sauce, I sit back and rub my stomach. “Not sure I’m going to have room for dinner now.”
Alfie mimics me, even groaning a little like I did. “Yeah, I might just hit the hay.”
I laugh. He’s got a good sense of humor. “It’s been a big day. You okay?”
“I guess. I—” He looks around the living room.
I don’t live in a particularly nice house, but it’s been home for a few years. Affordable. Decent neighborhood. Low bills that allow me to live alone instead of with my brothers, who share a place a few miles away. I never needed much but looking at him makes me want to give him more. “You what, buddy?”
His shoulders sag, and he looks down at his lap, his fingers twisting the hem of his shirt. “Hannah said I should be grateful to have so many people who love me. I got uncles too, but . . .”
“But?”
“I miss my mom.”
“I’m sure you do. I lost my mom too. I know it hurts a lot.” I pull him close just as he begins to sniffle. His head is tucked against my side, and I add, “We don’t know each other well, but I’m here for you, Alfie. I’m not just your dad, but also a friend. You can talk to me about anything, including your mom and your feelings.”
He looks up, tears welling over his bottom lids and falling down his cheeks. “My mommy said if I didn’t have her, I’d have you; that you and Hannah would take care of me.”
Comments like this and the “lucky to have you” one from the other day surprise me, considering all the bad things Hannah’s been told about me. Cassie apparently hated me, but she didn’t turn our kid against me. I guess I should be thankful for small favors.
I still wish I could have been there for him, for her even, all along. Been there when she got sick. Met Hannah the way we should have. Maybe then things wouldn’t be like they are now. “I will. We’re in this together.” I hope Hannah and I can work together.
He asks, “What’s this?”
“Life.”
“We’re in life together?”
“Yes. Our blood bonds us. The blood that runs through me runs through you. That makes us family. And family always sticks together.”
For a little kid, he seems to have a deep understanding beyond his years. He nods, a shared knowing look between us.
The stress from today must just be too much because the sugar rush never comes. When he yawns, I check the time. Just after eight. Hannah would flip if she knew he was up this late. “C’mon, I think that ice cream can tide you over until tomorrow. It’s late, and it’s been a long day. Time for bed.”
We make our way to his room. As he stands in the center, I open his bag and dig out his toothbrush and paste. “Bathroom’s across the hall. Are you potty trained?”
“I’m not a baby,” he replies defensively.
Throwing my hands up in surrender, I try to restrain my smile. “Okay. Okay. I didn’t know.”
While he brushes his teeth, I pull his nightlight out and plug it in. His stuffed Snoopy is tossed on the bed, and pajamas are set out. We muddle through the routine without issue, and when he climbs into bed, I kneel next to him. “Hey Alfie?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m new to all this dad stuff. Maybe you can help me out and show me the ropes to parenting a big boy.”
“Didn’t your dad show you?”
“Long story for another day.”
His hand touches my nose and then his own. “Will my nose be big like yours?”
Reactively grabbing my nose, I ask, “Is it that big?”
He giggles his answer. “Bigger than mine.”
I tap his nose. “That is a fact. As for size, I think yours will grow to be the size you’re meant to have.”
“You’re tall. Uncle Tulsa and Uncle Rivers are tall. Mom was small like Hannah. Will I be big or small?”
“Only time will tell. The one thing I do know is that we won’t find out tonight. We can measure you tomorrow and start keeping track, but you need to get some sleep tonight.”
“I didn’t make ramen noodles. Since we’re in life together, I can make them tomorrow.”
Chuckling, I pull the covers higher to his chin. “Yes, we’re in life together.” I kiss the top of his head and kneel back. It reminds me of how my mom used to kiss my head at bedtime, and how much I missed that once I was too old for her to do it. How much I missed when she told me she loved me. Alfie will never receive that kiss from his mom again or hear her tell him she loves him, and it breaks my heart. Technically, I’ve only known him minutes, but already, he’s in my heart. “Is it too soon to tell you I love you?”
“Mommy told me that you should always tell people you love them if you feel it. I wish I could tell her.”
“Don’t worry, buddy. She knows.” Kissing his head, I say, “I love you.”
“I like you, Jet.”
I smile. We’ll get there in time. “Good night.”
“Night.”
After shutting the door, I walk back into the living room and stand there, not sure what I’m supposed to do. Is this what it’s like to be a parent? Never knowing what to do next and winging it day by day?
I look back toward the bedroom where Alfie is sleeping. A week ago, I thought we’d lost the biggest opportunity of our lives. Johnny Outlaw was there and then gone the next song.
When Hannah walked in, the words she said would change my life forever—you have a son—and I realized right then the opportunity I had been given.
Just a week after meeting him, I’m now worrying daily about the son I want to get to know and how I’m going to provide for him. I can’t scrape by anymore. It’s not just about me. If the advance from Outlaw Records isn’t enough, do I give up my dreams to give my kid what he needs?
Yes is the only answer.
I’ll do whatever I need to do. I’ll do everything my father never did.
My phone buzzes with a text. When I look down, I see Hannah’s name. Seeing it flash on my screen reminds me of the sadness I’m used to seeing in her eyes. I feel it inside me. Despite the good of discovering that this little person exists in my world, something missing still remains.
The text buzzes again. How’s Alfie settling in?
She’s tenacious. It’s only been three hours since she saw him, so I can already tell this woman is going to drive me mad. I may be new at this parenting thing, but damn, give me a chance to screw up before you harass me.
Before I have time to respond, a shadow crosses my front window. Tossing my phone on the couch, I open the door, and find the woman taking up too many of my thoughts pacing my porch. “Can’t resist me?” I wing it with a bad line.
“You wish,” Hannah snaps, stopping and crossing her arms over her chest.
Leaning against the doorframe, I mimic her arm position, and smirk. “Then to what do I owe the displeasure?”
“I was worried about Alfie. You didn’t text me.”
My brow shoots to the sky. “I didn’t know I was supposed to. Anyway, you didn’t give me much of a chance.” My annoyance comes out with a sigh. “For the record, he’s fine.” Refusing to give her ammo against me on night one, I give her all she needs, “We had dinner, and he went to bed.”
Her body loses the fight, and she appears to relax for the first time since the night we first met. She’s been so uptight this last week, understandably so, but I still don’t think it’s warranted. I’m tempted to offer her a beer and some company, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea, though. “I should go back inside. It’s getting late.”
“You don’t normally play until after ten. Eight thirty must be early for you.”
The little hint of sarcasm in her tone betrays the curiosity in her eyes. Sliding my hands into my pockets, I drop my defenses. “I don’t want to argue with you, Hannah.”
“I shouldn’t have come here. I just . . . I was thinking about Cassie.”
“I’ve been thinking about her a lot as well.”
Her eyes close and reopen with what looks like tears filling them. “She was an amazing mother. She would push herself harder than she should have in the end just to be there for him as much as she could.”
I’m starting to see the crack in her armor. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“I thought I would feel better if I was close to him because I miss him already.”
