“What’s the spell?” I asked.
“Rubber, most likely. It’s similar to your damage reflect and Donut’s love vampire. When she’d cast it, it also applied to her two pets. So it’s at least level ten. I bet it’s closer to 15. It reduces a high percentage of incoming damage and reflects it to a target of your choosing. She’d cast it directly on Ifechi’s head. So when Florin shot Lucia and the dogs, he was literally shooting his partner in the head. And after she was dead, Lucia cast the spell again, this time on Florin.”
“They gave him credit for the kill,” Katia said. “That’s awful. It doesn’t seem right.”
“It’s not. That’s the dungeon being a dick,” I said.
“Dreadful. Just dreadful. How did Florin survive shooting himself in the head?” Donut asked.
“It was that protection spell,” I said. “Ifechi cast it on him and the other guy, but not on herself.”
“Certain protection spells can’t be cast on yourself,” Mordecai said. “It takes a special type of person to want to use and train such enchantments.”
I thought of Imani, who was also a healer. She would have done the same thing in this situation.
Goddamnit. Every time I saw or heard of a crawler killing one of their own, it just made me angrier.
You will not break me. Fuck you all. I will break you.
I took a deep breath. “That kid’s brain is scrambled,” I said finally. “Donut is right. She’s literally insane. She’s talking to phantoms and hearing things.”
“Poor thing,” Katia said. “But she needs to be dealt with.”
“I agree,” I said. “We need to put her down.”
“I call dibs on the dogs,” Donut said.
Mordecai: Here’s the good news. If she does use that Rubber spell, it has a vulnerability. A big one. They’d been editing out her using the spell until now. There’s a reason for that. They might want her killed.
Carl: Okay. We’ll talk about it later. But if she’s not in our bubble, it doesn’t really matter. We gotta survive this place first.
From there, they portrayed multiple crawlers entering the warehouse and spinning the wheels. Lucia Mar was given the land quadrant in a bubble that was designed similarly to our own, but it was a massive, stepped pyramid in the center. And the weather was cold and covered in ice. I laughed at that. Prepotente and Miriam Dom landed on the air quadrant of a bubble that was like a giant cave with rock growing along the interior wall of the sphere. Their domain was nothing more than a shelf of rock that ringed the interior wall. Their target was a nest of spiders that hung from the ceiling, thousands of feet into the air.
“Jesus,” I said. “They’re just as fucked as we are.”
Florin entered his room completely defeated. He sat down in the corner of the warehouse and did not spin anything. He had Ifechi’s leech staff, which he laid across his lap. He leaned his head against the wall and went to sleep right there.
It portrayed a dozen more shots of people spinning and landing on a wide assortment of quadrants.
The show ended with the promise of more bloodshed and more hilarious outtakes of us silly crawlers struggling to survive. I pictured myself punching the host over and over until his head caved in.
The show ended, and the new top 10 populated on the board.
1. Lucia Mar – Lajabless – Black Inquisitor General – Level 38 – 1,000,000 (x2)
2. Carl – Primal – Compensated Anarchist – Level 41 – 500,000 (x2)
3. Prepotente – Caprid – Forsaken Aerialist – Level 35 – 400,000 (x2)
4. Donut – Cat – Former Child Actor – Level 33 – 300,000 (x2)
5. Quan Ch – Half Elf – Imperial Security Trooper – Level 43 – 200,000 (x2)
6. Dmitri and Maxim Popov – Nodling – Illusionist and Bogatyr – Level 33 – 100,000 (x2)
7. Miriam Dom – Human – Shepherd – Level 31 – 100,000 (x2)
8. Elle McGib – Frost Maiden – Blizzardmancer – Level 33 – 100,000
9. Bogdon Ro – Human – Legatus – Level 31 – 100,000
10. Florin – Crocodilian – Shotgun Messenger – Level 33 – 100,000 (x2)
“Carl! You’re number two! Katia! You fell off the list! This is outrageous! You were a superstar.”
“Thank god,” Katia said. She looked genuinely relieved.
“Hey,” Donut said. “Wait a second. Why didn’t I go up? We’re separated. This is not acceptable, Carl.”
I patted her on the head while she grumbled, swishing her tail angrily.
“Also, why did Florin lower so much?” Donut asked a moment later. “That was so sad, and they’re punishing him for it.”
“I bet he hasn’t moved since he went down the stairs. He’s probably still sitting in that room where you spin the wheels. His PR agent is probably losing her shit,” I said. “Elle is back on the list, but her bounty didn’t double.”
“She wasn’t in the top ten when the floor ended,” Mordecai said.
Quan Ch had hit level 43, making him the highest, though I had no idea why or how. The asshole fled any fight that looked like it might be difficult. Hopefully he was using his powers this floor to get everyone in his bubble to safety.
I shuddered, thinking of the poor bastards stuck with Lucia Mar. The kid had an obvious mental illness. If we were someplace else, my first thought would be to lock her up and put her someplace where she could get the treatment she obviously needed.
But we weren’t someplace else, and she was killing people. Good people. She had to be taken care of.
I didn’t want to admit it, but part of me was happy that there was nothing I could do about that right now. We only had a limited number of fellow crawlers to deal with on this level.
That shit weighs down on you after a while, I thought.
5
The announcement came and went. There was nothing of significance. The announcer spoke of the doubling of bounties for those who’d been on the list. She reminded us that sponsorship bidding was underway. There was a warning that just because we were outside that we shouldn’t use the big, wide world as a bathroom and that there were restrooms in the towns. But if we had to go while we were outside, they wouldn’t penalize us. We needed to announce that we were going to the bathroom out loud, wait five seconds, and then do our business. The idea was so ridiculous, it made me want to laugh.
All of us, including Mordecai, exited the personal space and walked into the Toe to find the other crawlers waiting for us. Louis and Firas, who were still drunk, plus Langley and the other five car salesmen-turned-archers all sat at the bar. The archer guys had all leveled one or two times each since we’d last talked. All eight crawlers looked at me expectantly.
Juice Box the changeling prostitute sat on Louis’s lap. She’d transformed into something… odd. Like a rodent/human hybrid, but with orange hair and a purple jumpsuit. Whatever it was, the resulting creature looked like Chuck E. Cheese in drag.
I sighed.
Mordecai: That changeling is a lot more powerful than she looks. It’s very odd. Do you see how easily she’s altering herself? It’s almost like she’s a doppelganger.
I examined Juice Box. The note over her head said she was a Ratkin Brood Mother Attendant, but as I watched, she turned more mouse-like, and it switched to Mouser Dame.
Carl: Are you sure she’s not a doppelganger?
Mordecai: Yes, I’m sure.
Carl: Do you guys have some sort of changeling spidey-sense or something?
Mordecai: You can see it in how she changes. She’s switching to the race and then altering the appearance to make it look like whatever the hell they’re requesting. It’s like dressing up stock photos instead of drawing something from scratch. Even if I had all my changeling abilities and wasn’t at half power, I still wouldn’t be able to do that. There are a lot of creatures who mimic others, and you can usually tell what it is based on the way they change. Doppelgangers like Katia have to form themselves like clay.
Mimics do the same thing, though the change comes from the mouth and moves outward. Adult changelings turn into a generic version of the race and then alter their appearance from there. Illusionists fade into existence.
Carl: What about the Valtay? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.
Mordecai: That’s something different. Brain worms aren’t mimicking something. They’re taking over their actual bodies. The Valtay are a type of creature called a Gondii. They reactivate dead bodies as long as they enter within hours of death. Gondii can read old memories and keep the bodies running for centuries. There are Intellect Hunters who do the same thing, but the bodies start to rot almost immediately, and they are always hopping from body to body. Then there’s something called an Infiltrator. They are much more insidious. But none of those things are shapeshifters like Miss Juice Box here.
Carl: She can’t be too strong. She’s only level 17.
Mordecai: That’s misleading. Regular crawlers who become changelings can only shift once every ten minutes. Shifting on demand is a skill unique to the race. She is easily the equivalent of level 15 in the Race Shifter Skill, and I’m willing to bet every one of these prostitutes in town is the same. A changeling who can switch that quickly is very dangerous. Remember, unlike doppelgangers, changelings gain some of the abilities of the race they’re mimicking. She can turn into a gorgon at the snap of the finger and hit you with a petrify spell, then switch to a rocksling to shatter your stone body into dust, and then turn to a forge ogre and take that dust and pressurize it enough to make it a diamond. All before you could say “Ouch.”
Carl: Can she turn into a storm giant or something? Something like Grull?
Mordecai: No. There are mass limits, but it’s not nearly as strict as what Katia has to deal with. There are lots of weird, complicated rules. The stronger the monster they emulate, the lower the chance of being at full power. But there are still plenty of things she can turn into that will ruin your day.
Carl: So what you’re telling me is to be nice to Juice Box.
Mordecai: Yes. And all the other prostitutes. Be polite. And make sure all these scrubs understand it, too. Especially that Louis idiot.
I realized everyone was staring at me, so I started talking.
“There may be others in this quadrant, but if they’re alive, they probably just got their bell rung pretty bad,” I said. “So it might be just us dealing with that fortress.” I gave a worried glance at the dromedarian barkeep, who was watching us with interest. He was a pleasant enough guy, unlike most of the other camels. He’d given both Donut and Mongo treats, happily patting them on the head. Mongo was practically ready to leave us for him. However, this next part of the conversation involved doing something the camels would not like. We had to get out of his earshot.
“But first, we’re all going to get a tour of our personal space. We can talk more comfortably in there.”
“It’s called the Royal Palace of Princess Donut!” Donut added.
“Louis, look, it’s that cat again from the television,” Firas said.
I realized that while the two men had been drunk the first time we met them, they’d been mostly coherent and aware of their surroundings. In the nine hours since we’d last spoken, it appeared they’d managed to get themselves even more plastered. My initial instinct was to just kick them out of the Toe, but I was worried they’d do something extra stupid. Like cause the town to get obliterated like the other one. I needed to keep an eye on them until we figured out the whole picture.
Carl: Mordecai, I’m out of the alcohol cure potions. Do you have the stuff for more?
Mordecai: You read my mind. I’ll whip up a batch when we get inside. With my upgraded table, I can make a version that’s a little more potent.
“Let’s go see the space,” Louis said, standing up. Juice Box slid off his voluminous lap with a squeak. “I’ve always wanted to see how the other half lives.”
“Me too,” Juice Box said, jumping up.
“Oh, honey,” Donut said. “Not dressed like that you’re not.”
Juice Box patted Donut on the head. “You are just the most adorable thing I have ever seen. If you want, I can turn into a whatever it is you are and show you a great time. I’ve never done it with royalty before. No charge. It’d be great for my résumé. Are you some sort of long-haired dog?”
Louis and Firas both laughed.
All of Donut’s hair poofed out. “What did you just call me?”
I stepped forward to intervene. “Sorry, pretty lady,” I said to Juice Box. “The personal space is just for my friends here.” I tossed her a gold coin, which she deftly caught in midair. Her hand moved so quickly it reminded me of a viper strike. She didn’t turn her head to catch the coin, which gave me an unexpected and sudden chill.
“Can you do me a favor?” I asked. “If you see any other non-locals like us around, let me know. I’ll give you a gold coin for each one you find.”
She, still in her Mouser form, turned her gaze from Donut and gave me a salute. She planted a smile on her face and rubbed Louis on the stomach. “Don’t forget our date tonight, big boy. Maybe I’ll try out that Nurse Joy person you were describing.”
We all entered the personal space as they looked about in wonder. Langley and the other archers moved around, inspecting everything while Louis and Firas jumped onto the couch. The cleaner bot beeped mournfully as Firas put his boots on the little table.
“Where’s the bell?” Firas asked, his voice slurring.
“Bell?” I asked.
“You said something about a bell ringing.”
I took a deep breath and decided not to engage. “Okay, guys,” I said, waving everyone to sit. “As you probably noticed, the gnomes just bombed the hell out of that other town. Nobody knows why yet, but if I had to guess, it probably has something to do with whatever collateral they had in their town hall. Maybe some crawler in that other town ended up accidentally killing it or setting it free or something. Something changed that let the gnomes know the Bactrians no longer had collateral.”
“Hey, I have a question,” Firas said, raising his hand. The hand wavered in the air. Even from halfway across the room, I could smell the alcohol on both of them. I was reasonably certain booze wasn’t the only thing they were on.
Goddamnit. “Yes?”
“Yeah, we, like, don’t know what you’re talking about. What’s a Bactrian? What collateral? Where’s the bell?”
Earlier, I had been assuming that Firas was from the middle east somewhere and Louis was Spanish. It was now clear that both of them were fellow Americans.
“I had to put my car up as collateral for a loan once,” Louis said. “I used to lock it up in my old lady’s garage every night so they couldn’t repo it. The bastards got it anyway when I was at the club.”
“Bastards,” Firas agreed. He turned to look at Katia. “Do you work here? Do you have anything to drink? I’m almost out of gold, so it’s gotta be cheap.”
I was in the middle of renegotiating my personal vow not to outright murder fellow crawlers when Mordecai jumped across the room, landing heavily on the same side table Firas had his boots upon. The table shattered into pieces. Mordecai spread his wings out and leaned forward, glaring at the two wide-eyed crawlers. He lifted a claw, careful not to actually touch or make a movement toward either of them. The razor-sharp talon glinted like a knife as he pointed it at each in turn.
“I want you two fuckwits to listen, and I want you to listen carefully. I don’t know how in the gods you survived this long, but I am about five seconds from telling my client to eviscerate both of you and to use your bodies as zombie meat shields. And don’t think she can’t do it. Isn’t that right, Donut?”
Donut growled.
“We are in a very dire situation here. But guess what? You two mouth breathers hit the survival lottery when you got put in the same quadrant as us, and you’re too stupid to even realize it. You can still get out of this, and you can still
make it to the sixth floor if you take this seriously. If you don’t, you are doing more harm than good. And we do not have time for that. I have a drink that I am going to make for each of you, but it’s going to take about five minutes. So help me gods, if you two don’t shut the hell up and just listen, you will not persist long enough for me to make the potion for you.”
“Whoa, chill,” Louis said.
Firas looked at Louis. “Why did you tell the hooker to turn into a Big Bird? I ain’t banging anything from Sesame Street, man. That’s fucked up.”
“He’s an eagle. Dude, did you ever watch G.I. Joe? Remember the Indian guy? He had an eagle named Freedom.” He laughed. “That show was so damn racist.”
“No, I never really watched it. I saw the Muppets though. And that’s the same thing as Sesame Street.”
Louis almost jumped up from his seat, eyes going wide. He looked at the door. “G.I. Joe. The Baroness! That’d be a lot easier than Gadget.”
“It’d be better than this eagle, that’s for sure.”
“I’ll be back,” Mordecai said, sounding exasperated. He disappeared into the crafting room.
“You know what,” I said. “We’re going to wait for Mordecai to make your drinks.”
“Tell him to make us Dirty Shirleys,” Louis said.
Donut gasped. “You know about Dirty Shirleys?”
He laughed. “Yeah, we saw it on the recap show. Some dumb crawler got drunk on them and called out Lucia Mar. We use them now to see how good a bartender is. We get them as the first drink in every bar.”
Donut: IF I MAGIC MISSILE HIM IN THE HEAD, WILL I GET IN TROUBLE?
Carl: Yes. You’ll have to wait until we’re outside.
Katia: They are so drunk that if you cast your new fire wall spell anywhere in the room, their breath will likely ignite, and they will self-immolate. You probably wouldn’t get blamed for that.
The Gate of the Feral Gods Page 8
