On my shoulder, Donut let out a pained stream of breath.
Carl: Now, now. There’s no need for you to get your fish panties all wadded up. We’ll play with the robot.
Zev: Anyway, the fans really enjoyed that battle. Good job you two. I’m sorry to say this is goodbye, however. I will still be Loita’s assistant working behind the scenes, but I’m afraid you no longer need a social media manager.
I held up my hand to stop Donut from saying anything.
Carl: What do you mean?
Loita: She means you have purchased the social media board, so you no longer need her to interpret and relay what the dry masses are saying about you.
Carl: Can you at least send her down here so Donut can say goodbye to her?
Loita: No. Of course not.
Carl: What about that infomercial for the robot? Can she go to that?
Loita: No. It is not her job anymore. I will be there, of course. Now get back to work.
The communication cut off.
“I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye,” Donut said. She sniffed. “I wouldn’t have asked for the social media board if I knew we wouldn’t get to talk to her anymore.”
“It’s okay, Donut,” I said. “We’ll see her again. I promise.”
“You shouldn’t promise things like that,” she said. “You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.”
I patted her on the head. “We will see her again, Donut. I keep my promises.”
She butted her head against mine, purring loudly.
Once we returned to base, I slept for two hours, showered, reset my buffs, trained, and ate. I spent some time with Mordecai, experimenting with different types of explosive recipes, including making a toothpaste-like gel that could burn long and hot. I was getting better at taking recipes from the cookbook and then steering conversations to make it look like Mordecai was coming up with the idea.
We watched the recap show. They featured the fight on the falling house, and I watched updates on several of the others. Prepotente and Miriam were just as far along as we were. They’d managed to scale the interior wall of their bubble and kill all the spiders by applying some debuff that made them all fall asleep and plummet to their deaths. That had somehow also finished out the subterranean zone in their bubble, and they were now preparing to go underwater.
The two-headed creature that represented the Popov brothers was on a pirate ship firing cannons at other pirate ships. I didn’t know what was going on there. Lucia Mar fought some multi-limbed mummy ice thing and shattered him. She was actually working with a group of people, which surprised me, though the show was low on details. Quan Ch had already popped his bubble, and he was flying around farming all the mobs he could.
The top-ten list remained mostly the same, but Florin the crocodilian had dropped off. The last we’d seen him, he’d been sitting in the starting room refusing to choose a bubble quadrant after the death of Ifechi. I wondered where he was now, if he was even alive. The top ten list was:
1. Lucia Mar – Lajabless – Black Inquisitor General – Level 41 – 1,000,000 (x2)
2. Carl – Primal – Compensated Anarchist – Level 44 – 500,000 (x2)
3. Prepotente – Caprid – Forsaken Aerialist – Level 38 – 400,000 (x2)
4. Donut – Cat – Former Child Actor – Level 36 – 300,000 (x2)
5. Dmitri and Maxim Popov – Nodling – Illusionist and Bogatyr – Level 37 – 200,000 (x2)
6. Miriam Dom – Human – Shepherd – Level 34 – 100,000 (x2)
7. Quan Ch – Half Elf – Imperial Security Trooper – Level 45 – 100,000 (x2)
8. Elle McGib – Frost Maiden – Blizzardmancer – Level 35 – 100,000
9. Bogdon Ro – Human – Legatus – Level 35 – 100,000
10. Chirag Ali – Human – Sacred Paladin – Level 35 – 100,000
I still didn’t know who that Bogdon Ro guy was. Quan had dropped several spots, probably because he’d cleared his bubble early and he wasn’t making any moves to leave the area. People got bored easily. He remained the highest level, but I was catching up to him. There was a new guy at the bottom of the list. I wasn’t sure if I’d seen him or not on the show.
“I still don’t understand how that goat is so popular,” Donut grumbled. “I don’t like being separated from you, Carl.”
“Do you wish to talk about it?” Robot Donut asked. “We can have a gab session, just you and me, girlfriend.”
“Oh be quiet,” Donut said testily. The novelty of her having “merch” had finally worn off.
This newest version of the robot toy weighed about three times as much as the last one, and it was slightly bigger, too. Mongo had immediately attacked it, but it hadn’t suffered any obvious damage this time. I spent some time playing with the thing, and it was pretty sturdy. They hadn’t fixed much else, however. It still threw out random, bootleg Garfield quotes. It still reacted oddly to situations.
Still, this was the best version yet. And it worked as intended. Sort of. Loita informed us we’d go on the show in a few hours to discuss the product. Katia was still scheduled for another show, but she would go on tomorrow evening. Hopefully we’d be in the land quadrant by then.
The robot toy had a small panel on the back of the head that was held closed with a cheap, little tab, much like a battery compartment from a toy on earth. I clicked open the flimsy tab and received a warning that the thing was going to self-destruct in five seconds if I didn’t put it back. I was genuinely curious what was going to happen since we were in a safe room, but at the last moment, I shoved the little rectangle back into place with a click.
Mordecai told me not to press my luck since this was a non-enhanced toy.
“What does that even mean?” I asked. I flicked the little tab. Jesus, what a piece of shit.
“You know how some video games required internet access to play? Even though they’re single-player? This is the same sort of thing. Most toys nowadays require access to a licensed enhancement zone to work. And some even take it a step further and require the child to have a license key installed in himself in order to unlock all the toy’s features. It makes certain his parents are current in their taxes. This one doesn’t have any of that. It’s not as fancy as most of the stuff out there, but it’s something that can be played with by a child who is on a long spacecraft voyage outside of a system’s net. Or by a family too poor to pay their access tax. If you activate the self-destruct sequence, the AI can probably teleport it away, but it might not, especially since that was added to keep you out of its head. I honestly don’t know what would happen. This isn’t something you want to test.”
The robot hopped up and down in agreement. “Carl, Carl, let’s go kill another mantaur!”
I reached over and patted the robot on the head. It moaned. Like a sexual, human woman moan. I jerked my hand back. “Jesus Christ!”
Carl: So this company, Veriluxx, they’re genuinely trying to help poor kids with this bullshit?
Mordecai: I wouldn’t go that far. I’ve never heard of them, but the logo on the benefactor box suggests they’re associated with Veritan Linkage. That’s a mostly-Soother lending fund that advocates for the enslavement of those who can’t afford their taxes. I’ve been thinking about why a company would spend so much on such a stupid toy, and none of it makes sense. Only a mega corp could possibly afford such an expensive campaign, and they’d only do it if there was some sort of pay-off. I doubt just selling a cheap toy is their intent. Odds are we’ll never know. It’s likely just a way to funnel money to Borant. They’re closely allied with them and the Bloom.
Carl: Christ. Is the whole universe filled with assholes?
Mordecai: Just the ones with the money.
“Oh goodie,” robot Donut said. “I can’t wait to go onto another show. I’ll get even more fans!”
I spent some time playing with the watch. The thing was identical to the other one Henrik had. The description was less than helpful. I turne
d the bronze watch over in my hand. There was a bone symbol etched onto the metal. I’d seen that symbol before somewhere, but I couldn’t remember where. The watch wasn’t ticking.
Mysterious Pocket Watch.
What in the hell is this thing? What does it do? It keeps terrible time. Sometimes the hands move on their own. And there’s a mirror built in that isn’t quite a mirror. You need to find a winding box to make it work.
That was it. I opened it, and the little mirror above the face showed nothing but blackness. There was a tiny indicator for an alarm. If I pulled the tab on top of the watch out three times, I could set it. I moved it so it reached the hour hand, and the watch vibrated in my palm like a cell phone buzzing on silent. I’d set the alarm off.
The image on the little mirror changed. A fish-like creature appeared and met my gaze. The window suddenly went dark.
That was Henrik, I realized. He was in the necropolis with the other watch, and he was in the form of an underwater creature. I’d set the alarm off and signaled him. I sighed and snapped it closed. At least we knew the old changeling was still alive.
“Hey,” Katia said, sticking her head into the personal space. “Bonnie is starting to wake up out of her stupor. She’s over at Skarn’s house. You should go see her before you and Donut leave for your show.”
That was a good idea. We were going to do the infomercial, and the moment we got back, we were all going to get into the house and fly it out of the bowl.
“How’s she doing?” I asked as I followed Katia.
“Not so great. But she’s a kid. Kids are resilient.”
The dromedarians, to their credit, didn’t treat the girl poorly even though she was partially responsible for bombing their town. I wasn’t so sure humans would be so forgiving. A group of the camels stood outside the home, quietly talking amongst themselves. I followed Katia inside.
“This is where you’ll sleep,” Juice Box was saying. She indicated a corner of the room.
To my surprise, Donut and Mongo were already here. I hadn’t realized she’d finished with her training.
“This isn’t my bed,” Bonnie said, looking down at the simple cot. The little gnome had her arms wrapped around herself. She’d changed out of the bloody, oversized football jersey into a simple dress that was also too big for her. Skarn stood next to her, his hand on her shoulder. He’d transformed into a gnome also.
“Hey, here you go,” I said, pulling the pink bed out of my inventory. Everyone moved out of the way as I manhandled the bed into place. It was absurdly large for the little girl, but the home was spacious enough to accommodate it. This was the same bed she was sleeping in before. I then pulled the little side table that had been next to it, and I placed it down next to the bed.
The girl barely reacted.
“Denise killed my dad,” she suddenly said. “He knew she was going to do it. He said there was nothing he could do. He told me to make lemonade. I started to cry, and he gave me the potion, and I wasn’t scared anymore. Do you have another one of those potions? Please?”
“No, sweety,” Juice Box said.
“It’s okay,” Skarn said. “When my town got bombed, my parents died, too. But they take care of me here. The camels are grumpy, but they aren’t mean.”
“Okay,” Bonnie said, her voice small. She rubbed her nose.
Mongo slowly approached the girl, and he dropped the stuffed pink bunny in front of her. The girl picked it up and held it tight. She closed her eyes. I took the photo from my inventory, the one of her and her mother and father, and I put it on the nightstand.
Loita: Oh for the sake of the gods. Audiences like drama, but not melodrama. Stop concerning yourself so much with NPCs. We’ll be transferring you to your program in twenty minutes.
I motioned to Katia and Donut, and we left the girl with Juice Box. I turned to look one last time, and the girl was sobbing, clutching onto the changeling woman while she held the stuffed pink rabbit. Juice Box stroked the girl’s hair.
That was the moment. Right then. I’d been toying around with an idea, but I’d dismissed it as too risky. Too soon.
That was the moment I changed my mind.
18
I went on a program tonight. They transported me to a ship that floats in low orbit over the planet. The ship has an open window with no glass that is only protected by a forcefield. It is amazing. I can look down upon my planet. My beautiful, lost planet. If I am to die here, I want this to be my last view.
Carl: I have some things cooking on my sapper’s table. Let me take care of them really quick before you transfer us.
Loita: You have ten minutes. Not a second longer. Hurry up, Carl. The Veriluxx crew is paying for a rental trailer.
I rushed across the street to the closest pub and entered our personal space. I did, indeed, have two sets of smoke curtains infusing in potions. Ever since I’d read about the idea in the cookbook, I’d been experimenting with different combinations. The only thing that’d worked so far was mixing a smoke bomb with a healing spell, which in turn was a great offense against undead. I hadn’t the chance to use it yet.
I had two infusion stations on my table. In the first, I was currently attempting to mix a smoke curtain with a splash of the Rev-Up immunity smoothie I’d made on the second floor. The potion gave temporary disease immunity, but it made you drunk off your ass. I could tell right away that this one was a bust. The smoke curtain was blacked out and had gained the Dud status. That’s what usually happened.
My second infusion was much more successful. I’d already known it was going to work because I’d stolen the recipe from the cookbook. I had to pretend like I’d stumbled on it on my own.
Most of my most recent boxes had contained at least one invisibility potion. They were pretty valuable. By the time I had five of them, I figured it was finally time to justify “wasting” one in order to experiment.
“Hey, it looks like this one actually turned into something,” I said to robot Donut, who stood upon the table watching me work.
Your Infusion skill has risen to level 3. Just wait until you learn how to do this with vodka.
I picked up the round smoke curtain, which was normally red, but it now shined with a multi-colored opalescence.
Hobgoblin Disco Ball
Type: Magically-infused Deflagrating Tossable.
Effect: It’s a real trip.
Status: 25. Unstable.
Molly not included.
Take a Hobgoblin smoke curtain, soak it in an invisibility potion, and what do you get? You get a party, that’s what you get! Produces heavy, multi-hued billows of smoke that are both photosensitive and frequency responsive. And in case you don’t know what that means, just set one off and find out. The smoke will conceal all movement within, and the plumes will bounce to the beat.
Warning: Unlike a regular smoke curtain, the caster of this tossable is not immune to its effects. In other words, you’ll be just as blind as the monsters. So you don’t want to be dropping this thing at your feet unless you find yourself to be the most handsome dude at the orgy.
The act of infusing smoke curtains made them inherently unstable, which is why I wanted to avoid trying this with actual explosives. I knew once my skill rose a little higher, that’d cease to be a problem. I placed the smoke curtain on the edge of the table while I closed up the infusing trays.
“Good job, Carl!” robot Donut said.
“Yeah, I gained a skill level,” I said.
Robot Donut hopped up and down. “Yay! I love skill levels!”
When the robot jumped up, it sent the disco ball flying to the ground.
“Goddamnit, robot Donut,” I cried.
The thing’s status was protected while it was on the table, but not once it hit the floor. And while explosives would never go off in a safe room, that wasn’t true for smoke bombs. I’d already had it happen to me a few times.
I took a step back
and stepped directly onto the infused smoke curtain, which, of course, set it off.
A rainbow of smoke filled the crafting room. Mordecai, who was on the other side of the room, bent over his alchemy table, looked up in time to start cursing at me.
“Goddamnit it to hell,” I said again. I scooped up robot Donut and held it to my chest while the thick smoke overwhelmed us. I held the robot tight as we were surrounded by eddies of smoke. “Mordecai, don’t move! It’ll go away in a minute.”
“Pretty colors,” robot Donut said. I felt the head turn around to face me in the complete, multi-hued smoke storm. The voice went down an octave. “This is what we all see in the end. I’m always here for you, Carl.”
Loita: Are you quite done? It’s time to go.
Carl: We’re ready.
Donut had taken a shower and had talked Katia into brushing her while I’d screwed around in the crafting room. Katia had laughed her ass off at the disco ball incident, especially after Mordecai came out bitching up a storm, complaining that I’d ruined an hour’s worth of work. I clutched tightly onto the robot. The color tornado had only lasted for a minute, but it had left a sandy, technicolor residue over everything and everyone in the room. The whole common area smelled like burnt cotton candy. The cleaner bot beeped angrily at me and buzzed off toward the mess.
“I mean, really, Carl,” Donut said as I shook colorful dust from my hair. “You both look like you just slaughtered the cast of Rainbow Bright. After all that work we did to keep Mongo from hurting her, too. Robot Donut could’ve been damaged. Look at her! They’re not going to be happy, Carl.”
Loita: Transferring now.
“I’m better than ever, girlfriend!” Robot Donut said from my arms. Before Donut could respond, we flashed and reappeared into a production trailer.
I looked about, quickly assessing the situation. My feet sank into lush carpet. The tone of the hull quickly told me that we were under the surface, not floating. Despite our appearance under the water, my menus still disappeared. I did not have access to my inventory.
The Gate of the Feral Gods Page 26
