by Kira Adams
Walking up to Lee’s door, I’m shaking. What if he slams it in my face? What if he won’t hear me out? Right as I lift my hand to knock, fear paralyzes me. Doing this could mean the end of Parker and me forever. Am I willing to risk it all? I don’t know. I’m torn. Before I can process a clear thought, I run, far away from Lee, Parker, and everything. I run until my legs can’t go any further. I end up at the beach, the sun setting, the tide low. I fall to the sand, defeated.
What are you doing, Madalynne? I know the answer is not that simple. I’m not willing to give Parker up, but I want to explore the idea of Lee and me. I want to be able to decide what—or rather, who—is best for me.
What terrifies me? The thought that neither of the men I have come to love with every inch of my being will be willing to help me sort things out, that neither of them will understand that I need time to figure all of this out.
I sit in that exact spot for what feels like hours. The sun sets and eventually disappears, the sky filling with stars. I don’t know what I’m hoping to get by sitting here, looking into the never-ending sky. A sign, maybe? And then, I hear it, clear as day.
“Oh, come on, you’ve never skinny-dipped before? Well, there is a first time for everything.” My heart stops; it’s Lee. He is stumbling onto the beach with a bottle of whiskey in his hand and a tall blond attached to his hip.
“What if it’s cold?” the blond responds.
“Well that’s why they call it body heat.” Lee kisses her sloppily before taking another swig off the bottle.
My heart sinks to my stomach. I’m head over heels for him? Someone who can imagine life without me and is living it, right here, in front of my face. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed to death.
They haven’t spotted me yet, but it’s only a matter of seconds before they will be walking right by me. I hurriedly stand up as I see them begin to undress. I cannot stand to watch this; I’m furious.
“Hey, asshole!” My voice comes out like a whip. They stop undressing as they catch a glimpse of me walking up to them.
“Maddy?” Lee squints, trying to make me out in the darkness. He is caught with a slap right across the face. “What was that for?” He massages his cheek where my handprint is still red.
“Fuck you,” I hiss, tears streaming down my face. “I hate you!” I scream, punching him aimlessly, until he finally gets ahold of my wrists and stops me.
“Dude, she’s psycho. I’m outta here,” the blond shouts as she stumbles her way back up the beach.
“Take him with you—he’s yours!” I bark after her.
“What is wrong with you?” Lee screams, furious about my actions.
I wriggle out of his grip and huffily walk the same way the blond went. “You know what’s wrong with me,” I mutter under my breath as I turn my back to him and continue walking.
Lee drops the bottle and quickly dashes in front of me, holding me in place.
“Get out of my way!” I growl.
“What the hell, Madalynne? We’re not together, and you have a boyfriend—have you forgotten that? You’re really a piece of work, you know that?” He sighs. “What do you want from me?”
“I don’t know what I want! When I boarded that plane, I wanted Parker, but he was leaving me voluntarily. And then you sit down next to me, and suddenly I realize I’m in trouble. I miss you, Lee…I miss being with you. You have been the best part of Hawaii for me, and I don’t want to lose that.” I look into his eyes for some affirmation that he feels the same way.
“Parker? So that’s the name of your unfinished business, huh? Well what would Parker think about this? Don’t you worry about his feelings?” Lee can’t even look me in the eyes; I can tell he is hurt just by the mention of Parker.
“I don’t know,” I reply, sighing.
“You don’t know?” Lee reiterates, upset.
I didn’t anticipate any of this, and chasing someone who isn’t fully into me is new territory—especially when he’s right…what would Parker think? He would be crushed, devastated. I never thought of the possibility of not choosing Parker.
But suddenly, I can’t stop secretly tracing his lips with my eyes, the thoughts driving me wild. I wet my lips eagerly, trying to cool myself down. It’s too late…my lips are on his quicker than I can process a thought. And surprisingly, he kisses me back, hungrily. I can taste the whiskey on him, but I don’t care. I missed him so much; I don’t want to miss a beat. I run my hands over his short hair, pulling it ever so lightly and biting his bottom lip in between kisses. My heart races, electric volts shooting up and down my spine.
I break the kiss, breathless. “Do you believe in chemistry now?”
His eyes sparkle when he hears this. He replies by kissing me again and again. I know I changed his mind, and I want to change his heart.
We are inseparable for the next few weeks, and even though my love is growing more and more for him every day, my mind still finds time to think of Parker. We have been exchanging letters for more than a month and a half, and I know, because of his countdowns, there are exactly twenty-six days left until he returns home.
The question that keeps nagging me, and the one I keep avoiding, is if I’ll be there when he gets off the plane. I don’t tell him about Lee. I don’t want to make his time any harder than it already is. But I begin to get antsy. I spend every waking moment with Lee to keep my mind off Parker, but when I am home, I lose myself in Parker’s letters, dreaming of the day I will feel his arms around me again, his lips on mine. I know I am fucked.
Lee and I have been taking things slow for fear that being physically intimate will only complicate things, but it is inevitable. Every time we see each other, we can’t keep our hands off one another. We have tried to be strong, but the longing I feel to be with him, in every sense of the word, is too much to bear. Just his breath on my bare skin excites me beyond words.
It’s the weekend and Lee is off from work, so we decide to cook dinner together. We agree on spaghetti. Original, I know. We have a blast throwing the noodles on the wall to see if they stick, a trick my mom taught me.
His kiss is unexpected. The thrill of the chase is over. I know I’ve reeled him in—hook, line, and sinker. Ever since the day on the beach, everything changed; he changed. He stopped pushing me away and instead just went with the flow for once.
His kisses are so different from Parker’s. I always feel like he is in charge. He kisses the nape of my neck, my special spot, and I know, this time, for the first time, I’m not going to be able to stop him.
He looks up at me, confused, when I don’t push him away like I always do. “Mad—”
He doesn’t have the chance to finish his sentence. I kiss him suddenly, fast and strong. I’m in charge this time, and it takes him by surprise. I swiftly lift his tank over his head to reveal his perfectly chiseled abs. I run my hands up and down them, not wanting to forget this moment. He pushes me against a wall and trails kisses all over my mouth and neck. He then proceeds to remove my shirt. His hands are all over me, exploring every inch they touch.
He quickly clears off the table, all the dishes and food hitting the floor loudly. He hoists me up on top of the table. I’m about to have sex with a man I love. Sex with Parker is so sensual, beautiful, and safe. He would never dream of doing it anywhere other than the norm. I think that’s why I’m so excited now. Lee is dangerous, passionate, and it is a new experience for me. There is a first time for everything, and this first time is worth all the buildup.
28
I returned home from basic two weeks ago, and still no word from Maddy. To keep my mind off her, I preoccupy myself with getting ready for my trip to Montana, for which I will be leaving the following week. Jacqueline is ecstatic, and while I’m unsure what to expect from the first trip and meeting, I’ve decided not to buy a return ticket. It’s a bold move, I’m sure, but I have been dreaming of meeting Jacqueline for too many years to take the trip for granted.
During the past
few weeks with no contact from Maddy, Jacqueline and I have grown closer. I can’t deny any longer the extreme feelings I have for her. I’m not sure what this trip means for Maddy and me, and our relationship, but I’ve convinced myself it is something I need. Whether it is just to meet the online friend who has been there for me through my toughest times or to see if there is any potential there, I am keeping myself open to the possibilities.
As much as I lied to myself saying there isn’t anything wrong with my relationship with Maddy, I am coming to the harsh realization that she may not have waited for me…and maybe already moved on with her life, without me. The thought crushes me. The radio silence she’s given me over the past couple of months cannot be ignored any longer. I have to man up and face the music sometime, and what better way than exploring my feelings for the only other lady in my life, Jacqueline.
Filing off the plane and walking through the airport toward baggage claim, I pull out my phone from my jacket pocket and turn it on. I send a quick text letting Jacqueline know I arrived in Missoula.
I’m standing at the carousel waiting for my luggage to appear when I feel a slight tap on my shoulder. I turn around, and there she is, the girl I’ve secretly been fantasizing about for who knows how many years. I thought she was beautiful on a small computer screen, but the real deal is so much better. She is wearing a white tank top and skinny jeans with gladiator sandals and minimal makeup. I immediately throw my arms around her in a tight hug, instantly feeling a sense of comfort around her. “Jacqueline,” I whisper into her hair.
“I can’t believe this is real,” she replies.
I smile back at her, releasing her from my tight grip. “I can’t believe it’s you.” I grab her small, tiny hands in mine and squeeze them lightly, before sadly remembering that is my signature move with Maddy. Feeling guilty, I let go of her hands, letting them drop to her sides slowly.
After collecting my luggage, Jacqueline and I pile into her extremely small smart car and drive back to her not-much-bigger apartment. Merely eighteen years old, Jacqueline has been living on her own since she turned fifteen and got herself emancipated. Her mother is a heroin addict, living on the streets, and she’s never met her father. Jacqueline is younger than me by less than two full years, but I always feel like she is beyond me in maturity, although they always say that about the females, don’t they?
“So, this is the infamous desk you’re always sitting at when I Skype you,” I point out as I lightly tap the surface.
She nods, smiling slightly.
I wonder if my presence makes her nervous. She is standing on the complete opposite end of the room. “Come here.” I motion to her with my hand.
She obeys, slowly striding toward me.
When she is within arm’s length, I surprise her with another tight, long hug. “You have no idea how long I have waited for, thought about, and dreamed of this moment,” I whisper into her hair, smelling it discreetly.
“I can’t believe you’re here either,” she says softly, her breath tickling my face. “We’ve been talking about this for so long, it’s hard to believe it’s real.”
My fingers trace the side of her face gently and she pulls away before making her way to the couch. It’s difficult. I feel like I’ve known her my entire life, but the guilt I feel inside for being here is tenfold. If only Maddy had gone about things the right way, I might not have even ended up here. But I’m here now and plan to make the most of my time.
Two days have passed since I arrived in Montana, and while Jacqueline is doing everything in her power to make my time as memorable as possible, I can’t help feeling like she is hiding something.
My insomnia has been keeping me up at night, and more than once as I got up to get a glass of water, I have noticed the bathroom light on under the door. I didn’t think much of it the first night, but the occurrence on the second night has me a little worried.
“Hey, are you okay?” I ask on the third day of my stay. “I’ve been noticing you up at night a lot, in the bathroom. Have you been feeling alright?”
Her expression looks like a deer in headlights. “I’m fine,” she replies quickly before brushing past me into the kitchen.
I decide not to broach the subject after that unless she brings it up herself. I want to enjoy every single moment I have with her, and I trust her more than most people in the world; I need to give her a little credit.
29
I have been staying with Jacqueline for almost an entire week and enjoying my time thoroughly. Even though my feelings for her are growing, I haven’t allowed myself time to explore. We are always on the go, having adventures all over the city; I’ve never felt like the timing is quite right, until now.
She introduces me to a few friends from work, and I am able to get a glimpse into her real personality, which I adore more and more the longer I am with her. She is so delicate and caring when it comes to her friends, intriguing me deeply.
We are curled up on her couch together watching the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre film, and she keeps squirming in fear. It is the most adorable thing I have ever seen. She is covering her eyes with her hands and peeking between her fingers at the most gruesome parts. I have never felt surer about anything in my entire life than kissing her, so I act on impulse. She doesn’t even see it coming, her eyes closed and all. I attack her with my lips…is that such a crime? But what happens next is beyond unexpected. When the kiss breaks, my mind is lost in thoughts of Madalynne.
“That was nice,” Jacqueline murmurs, slowly opening her eyes and smiling.
The difference between my kisses with Madalynne and my kisses with Jacqueline is extraordinary. Jacqueline doesn’t stand a chance. Kisses with Madalynne are magical, anxiety-driven, heart-racing. I didn’t feel anything when I kissed Jacqueline, except her amazingly soft and delicate lips against mine.
It’s hard because maybe not all kisses are like the ones I shared with Maddy. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure and expectation on everything being a similar experience? Maybe I’m being too hasty.
Deciding to give it another go, my lips close upon Jacqueline’s again. She’s a decent kisser but allows me to lead. Her facial expression is like bliss when my eyes open. She looks so peaceful and serene.
“I really like you, Parker Grant,” she whispers.
“I really like you too, Jacqueline Blunt.” It’s true, but after kissing her, I’m having doubts, wondering if I did the right thing by coming here.
“Are you okay?” she asks, sensing my uneasiness.
“I’m fine. What are we going to eat? I’m starving.” It feels right to avoid the confrontation for now. It’s been less than twenty-four hours, and I need to give it a solid chance.
The additional time does not sway me whatsoever. My mind was made up from the first kiss. I just had to be sure before saying anything to Jacqueline. She’s been such a huge part of my life for the past few years, and telling her this will change our entire relationship. So before I go there, we spend the entire day out on the town. We have a lot of fun together, something we could have as friends rather than potential mates. I give her all I have, showering her with attention and paying for everything, but my mind never wavers from Maddy. She is on it the entire evening.
By the time we hit the morning of the fourth day, there is no more pretending, no more forcing something that isn’t meant to be. Breaking the news to Jacqueline is heart-wrenching. I never meant to lead her on; I never meant to hurt her. Seeing her cry is almost too much for me, and I almost call it off right then and right there. With every tear, she breaks me a little more. I don’t think I will be able to go through with it, but I find strength in the connection I know Madalynne and I have. It is indescribable, the stuff fairy tales are made of. I hope one day I can see Jacqueline again, even if just for a moment. She has made such an impact on my life, and I know I will never be the same.
Earlier today I packed all my belongings I brought with me to Montana and marched myself
to the airport. Instead of going home, where my loving parents are waiting, I headed straight to Hawaii, straight for the love of my life. I’m beyond nervous as Maddy has not answered, much less returned any of my countless phone calls to her. For all I know, she wants nothing to do with me, but I won’t give up without a fight. Madalynne Johnson is my soul mate, and I will do anything to help her see that.
Luckily, during basic there isn’t really a need to spend money, so over the months I saved enough along with some remaining graduation money to pay for flights, hotel, and a rental car.
I saw on her Instagram page that Madalynne was at the beach, and I can’t blame her. After quickly checking in at my hotel and dropping off my luggage, I head for the beach, to which I was given directions. I’ve been searching the area for what seems like an eternity, peeking under umbrellas, glancing at blankets, when I catch sight of the one thing that could make any guy’s stomach churn: my girlfriend involved in some heavy cuddling, kissing, and even—grossly enough—groping with another guy.
The same girl I’ve been obsessing over for the past four years…seeing her with someone else punches me in the gut. My heart races beyond control; I knew this was a possibility but had been avoiding that fact.
I can’t stop myself. All I see is red. I don’t even realize what I’m doing until I have literally pried the piranha off Maddy. “Get the hell off my girlfriend!” I scream before punching the stranger in the face.
“What the hell, man?” The guy holds his face, pain-stricken.
“Parker…” Madalynne speaks then. “What are you doing here?”
I look at her with resentment. “You wouldn’t return any of my calls. You stopped writing. I came to find out why, although I think I’m looking at the reason now.” I can’t believe my eyes.
