by Kira Adams
“I want you,” she whispers, looking up at me with passion in her eyes.
“You can have me, when we go back home.” I kiss her quickly one last time before grabbing my keys and walking out the door, leaving a wide-eyed Madalynne behind.
32
I awake in a panic, jarred out of another terrible nightmare…only this time, something is different. This time, I feel relief when I remember Parker is finally here, in Hawaii, after all our time apart. Then, my mind switches to Lee.
The entire morning as I shower, get dressed, and eat breakfast, my heart and mind are in an all-out war, switching to Lee then reverting back to Parker, and so on and so forth until I can’t take it anymore. The guilt kills me. I’m a terrible person. My heart screams Parker. My head screams Lee. And me? I just want to scream until I can’t take it anymore. I can’t remember ever being this torn or confused about anything.
It’s been almost two weeks since I asked Parker to stay in Kauai. I thought the time would be the turning point for me. I thought it would help me make my decision, but truthfully, the more time I spend with both guys, the more confused it leaves me. I feel guilty for all of it. For getting together with Lee when my heart clearly still beats for Parker. For asking Parker to stay when I I’m clearly head over heels for Lee.
Every moment I spend with Lee, I feel anxious to be back with Parker, and vice versa. I’m worried I’m not making any headway, and my biggest fear is that the month will run out and I will lose them both.
Thinking about life without Lee leaves me crying uncontrollably. When I think about losing Parker, I’m left physically sick, puking for hours on end in between sobs. This is not a predicament I would wish upon anyone. I know my time is running short and I will be forced to decide sooner or later. Deep down somewhere locked away inside me, I know the answer. I’ve always known the answer; I was just terrified to admit it.
I pick up my phone and dial his number.
“Hello?” he answers, and instantly a feeling of calm washes over me.
“Parker,” I reply breathlessly. “I need to see you.”
“Babe? Are you okay? You sound kind of strange.” He sounds genuinely concerned.
“I’m fine. Listen, can you meet me at my house?” I look at the clock, making a mental note that it’s probably less than forty-five minutes before he arrives.
“Of course. See you soon. I love you.” He waits for a minute, anticipating that I will say it back.
“You too,” I reply quickly before hanging up. It doesn’t seem fair to say it back right now…especially with everything I’ve put him through, with how confused I truly am.
Time is running out. The more time I spend with Parker, the more apparent it becomes how difficult this all is for him. Having to sit idly by while his girlfriend splits her time between him and another male…I understand his resentment.
Lee is more understanding. Maybe it’s because our relationship is so new and so fresh…or maybe because he doesn’t want to lose me either. In any case, I appreciate the breath of fresh air.
I’ve been trying to spend time solely with one guy each day, but it is becoming more difficult to turn down their advances. Every time I’m with Lee, he consumes me, taking over my every thought and emotion. When I’m with Parker, he captivates me, allowing me not a single moment to think of another but him.
Today is supposed to be Lee’s day, and I still have every intention of making it so…but I can’t get Parker off my mind. Ever since he spilled the beans about falling for me right away, he’s been in my head.
It’s the strangest thing, but I’ve never been more turned on in my life than when he finally admitted he’s always felt the same way. For my entire life, I’ve always felt like I was chasing Parker, never fully able to catch up until the end of middle school. But he changed my entire view about our relationship.
He arrives at my aunt’s house wearing a blue-striped Volcom tank and khaki shorts. It takes very little effort for Parker to look handsome. I don’t have to remind myself how lucky I am; being in his presence is good enough.
“You missed me…” Parker trails off, more as an accusation than anything.
I nod, remaining silent.
“Tell me what you missed about me,” he whispers lightly behind my ear, sending goose bumps all over my body.
“I missed your smell,” I begin, circling him mysteriously.
“Mmmhmm. What else?”
“I missed your voice.” I stop circling him and take a step closer.
“I know there has got to be more that you missed about me since we’ve been apart for so long…” Parker jokes playfully.
“I missed everything about you,” I answer honestly, Parker’s attention instantly on me.
He doesn’t say another word, but the love I see in his eyes when he roughly throws me up against a wall speaks volumes. He lowers his lips to mine hard, barely giving me a moment to think, much less breathe. With every stroke of our lips, I yearn for his body.
Waiting is overrated. I’ve been thinking about this moment nonstop since the other night, and I know if I leave it alone, it will eat at me until I do something about it. Without being able to stop myself, I rip his shirt off, my hands at the button of his shorts faster than he can blink.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?” Parker asks, gently parting our lips for the first time in almost ten minutes.
“I’m not thinking for once.” And it’s true. Since Parker came into town, I’ve rarely allowed myself to get lost with him, keeping my walls up as a precaution. But I don’t want to ruin the moment that could potentially set the track for the rest of our futures.
He seems to mull this over, but my lips on his neck do all the convincing for me. Parker lifts me up in the air and throws me against the wall, kissing me harder, with more urgency this time. His lips move to my ear, sensually sucking on my earlobe.
I moan and then throw my hand over my mouth to stifle the noise. Parker looks up at me—still suspended in the air, propped up against a wall—really looks at me, before exclaiming, “Don’t!” and removing my hand from my mouth.
Butterflies attack my insides with a vengeance. I knew we wouldn’t be able to resist each other this time, the passion overwhelming, the chemistry off the charts. This is what sex should always be like.
My heart races as Parker carries me into my bedroom, closing the door behind us.
33
You would think our passionate night together would have solidified things for her, but two weeks have passed since I arrived in Hawaii, and I’m tired—tired of waiting on someone who doesn’t even know if I am their soul mate.
Saying goodbye gets harder every time we part. I don’t know if she is leaving to see Lee and if this time will be the defining moment when she cuts ties with me altogether. In any case, I am terribly depressed.
The only thing I can think of to cheer me up is being around family. I don’t want to leave without Madalynne…what if she never follows? But it’s getting harder to justify why I’m still in Kauai, why I put all my time and energy into something that will never come to fruition.
After leaving Montana, I excitedly went out and preemptively bought a ring, thinking if I could make her fall in love with me again—hey, it sounded easier than it is—she would accept my proposal and we could return to Oregon happier than ever…but as time went on, I began to have doubts about the future I long for.
The hardest part is not knowing how she feels. I used to be able to read her like a book…but now all I see is foreign writing. Thoughts of her with Lee consume my every thought, clouding my judgment.
Madalynne has been sick for days and won’t let me go see her. After the third day, I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to do it this way, with her sick and all, but I feel trapped, like I have no other choice. So, I pack my bag, check out of my hotel, and drive to Madalynne’s in a downpour with a heavy heart.
When I arrive, I hesitantly climb out of my rental
car. I know with each passing step, it is a moment closer to me losing Madalynne again, and this time could be forever. I’m not looking forward to it. So even though I am being pelted in the face by rain and my clothes are drenched, I don’t care. Before I even get a chance to knock, the door swings open and Madalynne grabs me by my soaked collar, pulling me inside.
She is surprised by my appearance at her door; I’m surprised by her appearance in general.
“I know you haven’t wanted to see me because you’ve been sick.” I avoid meeting her eyes, shifting mine around the room. “But I don’t think I can do this anymore.” Just saying the words punches me in the gut.
“Umm, what?” she stutters, before a coughing spell takes over.
Instantly feeling terrible for putting her through this, I hurriedly run to grab a blanket off the back of the couch and proceed to wrap it around her shoulders before helping her back to the couch to sit. “I’m sorry to do this to you, in the state you’re in, but it’s been eating at me for the past couple of weeks. I know I promised you a month, and I am not one to break a promise, but I can’t, Maddy.” I’m not an emotional person, and definitely not in front of anyone, so when a tear trickles down my face, I feel my most vulnerable.
“What are you saying?” she asks, visibly shaken.
I take her face into my hands, gently caressing it. “I love you. I always have, always will. But the fact that you so easily fell for someone else and still are as confused as you are is proof.” I sigh lightly. “As much as it pains me to say this, maybe we aren’t soul mates. I can’t even begin to describe to you how much it hurts me to know you are still seeing him as often as you see me, how much it kills me to think of his lips on yours…” I can’t even finish; the thought of it chokes me up.
“Parker, don’t do this, please.” Madalynne quickly grabs my hand in hers, squeezing it lightly. “Please, just give me a little more time. I promise I will get you an answer.” She is crying, literally sobbing. I feel like the devil. I never want to hurt Madalynne. I never intend to hurt Madalynne. Fuck, I never want to lose Madalynne. But I am losing her, for the second time, and it hurts just as bad, if not worse.
I need to be honest with her; it is the least I can do. “I could never love anyone else as much as I’ve loved you. It’s hard for me to understand how you could so easily throw me away…like our history meant nothing to you!” I can’t contain the anger that flies off my voice, so I stand up quickly. “I don’t want to say anything I will regret, but I am leaving Kauai. I am going back home and back to my life. As much as I wanted that life to include you, it’s obvious you’re not ready for that. So I am going to move on, as much as it tears my heart out to do so.” I can’t bear to look her in the eyes. This must be why people say love sucks—because the breaking hearts part is incredibly painful.
Madalynne falls to the floor at my feet, still sobbing.
I feel sick to my stomach doing this to someone I love so dearly. “Please don’t do this to yourself.” I gently lift her off the ground and hug her tight. “You are stronger than this. You are the strongest person I know. You will get through this, as will I.” I shift her hair out of her face and then kiss her forehead softly. “Goodbye, Madalynne.” I linger there for a second, snapping a mental photograph of the first girl I ever loved, then I let her go and walk out her door, back into the downpour.
I sit in my car for a minute, looking down at my shaky hands. “You can do this,” I whisper to myself with a long sigh before starting the engine. As I back up, I notice a flash of someone behind my car, I assume Madalynne, leaving me only seconds to react. I slam on my brake, throwing the car into park.
“What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to get yourself killed?” I scream at her as I jump out of the car, trying to shake some sense into her.
She opens her mouth, but all I can make out is “…you.”
“What?” I shout loudly, my heart racing.
Madalynne takes a few slow steps toward me. “I said…it’s you. It’s always been you. God knows it’s the person I grew up with, the person I lost my virginity to…you are my forever.”
If I wasn’t within feet of her, I would doubt that she just gave me the one thing I’ve been hoping for, wishing to hear for weeks, months even. I throw my arms around her and lift her in the air, twirling her around before lowering my lips firmly against Maddy’s.
“You’re going to get sick,” she exclaims in between kisses.
“I don’t care. You’re mine. I don’t want to spend another minute apart.” And when I look in her eyes then, there is no mistaking it: she is head over heels in love with me.
In one swift movement, and without a minute for her to think, I drop to one knee, pulling out the secret ring I brought along with me on this trip. “Be mine forever…marry me, love.”
34
It didn’t take the full month as I expected. When Parker showed up at my doorstep unexpectedly announcing his departure, it kicked me into gear. Up until that moment, the answer hadn’t been clear to me, but being faced with the reality of losing Parker—really losing him for good—knocked all the sense I needed into me.
I made my choice; God knows it was staring me in the face since day one. I almost feel ashamed for being so stubborn. But being a Taurus, I needed to figure things out on my own, no matter the outcome.
Saying goodbye to Lee and leaving Hawaii for good was gut-wrenching for me. Breaking hearts was never on my agenda when I moved out to Kauai for some piece of mind, but I don’t regret a single decision on my part. Parker and I have never been stronger.
We needed the hurdles to bring us back together, to show us we can lean on one another and come out alright. Lee taught me to how to love quickly and recklessly, bringing a sense of danger into my life, something I was clearly missing in my relationship with Parker.
Lee is an incredible human being and I only want the best for him, so I make it a point to keep in touch after leaving with Parker to move back home. I send countless letters, which are all either lost in the mail or disregarded, but it doesn’t faze me. Lee helped me become an independent person apart from Parker. It is something I will forever be indebted to him for.
After almost six months of incessant nagging, Lee finally returns one of my hundreds of phone calls. He sounds good, happy even. The engagement is brought up, and he responds better than I could have ever expected.
Oddly enough, throughout my entire time in Hawaii, I spent countless hours worrying myself to death about losing both incredible men in my life. The fact that I could have them in my life in different roles never occurred to me.
After returning home from Hawaii, Parker came clean with me about Jacqueline. I was hurt, and for good reason, but understanding nonetheless. I dragged Parker through my messy love triangle—the least I could do was hear him out.
I was surprised he hadn’t told me about his trip sooner. In a way, I’m thankful he had the opportunity to meet her and explore his feelings. It helped ease my old jealously and resentment toward her. Plus, from everything he divulged over the years, she really helped him out of a dark place in his life, a place even I couldn’t pull him out of. One might think it was weird that we befriended one another, but after countless phone calls, text messages, and the like, Jacqueline and I grew quite close.
“You ready for this?” Parker grins at me before opening the doors to the courthouse. We decided to get married here to make sure my full benefits kick in before he leaves for deployment.
After returning home from Hawaii, we spent an amazing two months together before he left again for AIT. It was difficult to have him back for a short time just to have him ripped away again, but we were perfecting our FaceTime calls.
He spent close to six months in AIT, and although it was a lonely time, we flourished. The time apart brought us closer together than ever. Video chats through Skype became our new favorite way to communicate.
He returned home from AIT four months ago, and I’ve
been savoring every minute and second with him. We’ve been together for over five years; marriage is not an intimidating step for us. We have more love and support than many couples our age, and no hesitations about problems in the marriage.
We agree to hold an actual ceremony and reception for all our families and friends after Parker returns home from his yearlong deployment in Iraq, the date also being our seven-year anniversary.
“Do you have your witnesses?” the justice of peace asks.
Our eyes lock and we grin at one another, nodding our heads in unison. I look to the left of us, and there is a smiling Jacqueline next to an equally chummy Lee. So, we aren’t the worst matchmakers in the world; we found each other, right?
After Jacqueline and I became fast friends, putting her in touch with Lee was a no-brainer. She was a good person and just looking for someone to love her back. Parker felt odd about it at first and then came around to the idea when he realized that meant we got to keep them both in our lives in a more supportive role.
Glancing back at my husband-to-be who is grinning ear to ear, I know, more than anything else in the entire world, that this is the man I want to grow old with…that this is my forever.
Epilogue
I wouldn’t change one decision I made that year, even the difficult ones, because it taught me to play longer, kiss deeper, and love more passionately than ever before. We went to hell and back multiple times throughout our relationship, only to find one another in the end. Parker was always the endgame for me; I just got a little lost in the maze of life—but now that I have him back in my life, I vow to never let him go.
