by S. J. West
“You said nothing was wrong, but I sense you weren’t being completely truthful back there,” I say to Jered as we exit the chapel and enter one of the castle’s hallways.
Jered stops walking to face me. “I was wondering if you would be willing to talk to Caleb for us.”
I have to admit. I wasn’t expecting that particular request from him.
“Talk to him about what exactly?” I ask.
“Jules told me that after he helped her arrange everything for Rose’s funeral, he purposely distanced himself from everyone here. As far as I know, he hasn’t spoken to anyone about what he’s going through, and we thought you might be the one person he would open up to.”
“You’ve got to be joking,” I say, even though the dead serious expression on his face tells me otherwise. “I’m not sure why his mental or emotional state is that important to you. In fact, I’m a little surprised you haven’t locked him up in the dungeon with Warden 99 for what he did.”
“We thought losing his sister was punishment enough.” Jered looks at me with disappointment in his eyes. “I thought you would be more sympathetic to his loss than this, Lora.”
I hang my head in shame but cover up my discomfort by picking off an imaginary piece of lint from the skirt of my black dress. He’s right. If Caleb is going to open up to anyone, it’ll be me, but I still feel like Jered isn’t telling me everything. I look back up at him.
“I’ll talk to him if you tell me the real reason why you want me to.”
Jered shifts his gaze away in a moment of guilt before looking me in the eyes again.
“I should have known you would sense an ulterior motive.” He crosses his arms over his chest as he considers his next words. “All right, we want you to see if he has any information that might help us. It’s possible he overheard Abaddon mention why Azrael is important to Levi’s plans and why they’ve sent this djinn named Alred to negotiate with the Wardens. The more information we can gather about the situation the better.”
Even though having a heart to heart with Caleb is the last thing I want to do, I know Jered is right. We need information, and at the moment, Caleb is our only source.
“Do you know where he went?” I ask. “He was in the chapel one minute and the next he disappeared.”
“He phased,” Jered says, clearing up that small mystery for me, “and I know exactly where he phased to.”
“How? Did you put a tracker on him or something?”
Jered chuckles. “No, but that actually isn’t a bad idea. I’m not sure we ever told you this, but when we phase, we leave something called a phase trail that other angels can see. It’s like a window that connects where we were to where we went. Caleb’s phase trail showed me that he went to the Spire.”
“That makes sense,” I say, realizing we both share the same comfort spot. “Take me there. I’ll see what I can find out from him.”
“I was hoping you would go there to be a shoulder for him to cry on, not an interrogator.”
“I can be both. Don’t worry so much, Jered. I can handle this.”
“Can you?” The doubt in Jered’s voice irritates me, but I can also understand why it’s there. “I know his betrayal must still hurt. Can you honestly say you’ve forgiven him for playing with your emotions the way he did?”
“I’ve made my peace with it,” I say with a small shrug. “Besides, I’m with the person who was meant for me. Things worked out in the end.”
“If you didn’t already know it, Lilith and I couldn’t be happier that you and Silas are together now.” Jered’s whole demeanor changes to one of relief. “Discovering that the two of you are soulmates couldn’t have happened at a better time for him. I’m grateful he has you to lean on while he deals with the trauma he went through in the Void.”
“You and Silas need to have a serious talk, Jered. Otherwise, he might never get over what he was forced to remember about you.”
“Believe me, I’ve tried.” Jered sighs deeply and looks off as if he can find the answer to his dilemma written on the walls of the hallway we’re standing in. “He can barely bring himself to look at me much less talk to me.”
“He loves you,” I say since he looks like he needs to hear it. “You need to remind him that you love him, too.”
When Jered looks back at me, he appears lost in an ocean of doubt, and I hate knowing two people I care deeply for are in so much pain.
“I’ll try to convince Silas to talk to you.” How will I work that small miracle? I have no idea, but there has to be a way. “Take me to Caleb first though, so I can find out what he knows about Alred’s mission with the Wardens.”
Jered nods in agreement and places his hand on my shoulder. He phases us to a spot on the sidewalk in front of the Spire. Since it’s Saturday, there aren’t any students on campus. Usually, a few remain here during the weekends, but with the state of the universe being what it is, Jered and Lilith decided that all of the students should go home and spend some quality time with their families while they can. Classes are supposed to resume on Monday, but school will never be the way it was again. All of our time will be spent preparing for a war that is sure to happen, and soon.
Using a hand to shield my eyes from the glare of the afternoon sun, I glance up to view the Spire. I’m not sure what I thought I would see there besides brick, mortar, and the iron railing that fences off the top. A glimpse of Caleb perhaps? It would be nice to know beforehand what his state of mind is at the moment, but the one thing I can count on is that his emotions will be running high whatever his mood.
“Are you sure you’re up to doing this?” Jered’s question brings my attention back to him. His forehead is creased, and he has that worried “dad” look in his eyes that he sometimes gets with us kids.
“Like you said, I’m probably the only person he’ll open up to, and if he knows anything about Levi’s plans for Azrael, we need to find out what they are. I’ll be fine, but I wouldn’t mind a ride home afterwards.”
“Come find me in my office once you’re done and I’ll phase you back home. Good luck.”
I watch Jered walk down the path and enter the main building of the academy.
“Just get this over with,” I chide myself, unable to shake a foreboding feeling that reaches all the way to my bones. Talking to Caleb right now is the last thing I want to do, but I’ve made a commitment to Jered to do what I can to help and now I have to honor it.
Before I lose my nerve, I flap my wings and slowly rise into the air. The cool afternoon wind works in my favor, allowing me to float almost effortlessly on its short gusts and peek into the open room at the top of the spire without making any noise to draw Caleb’s notice.
He’s sitting on the bench in the middle of the room leaning slightly forward with his head hanging so low his chin almost touches his chest. His legs are spread slightly apart with his elbows resting on his thighs. He has his hands clasped tightly together in the space between his knees. From this angle, I can’t see his expression, but the position of his body tells me all I need to know. He’s in pain, and I suddenly realize my new soul and recent experiences of loss have gifted me with something I’ve never had before now: empathy.
I purposely beat my wings against the air, causing a rustle of feathers to announce my presence so I don’t catch him unawares. Caleb’s head snaps up. He looks directly at me, but his eyes look glazed over, making me wonder if he actually sees me.
I fly over to the railing meant to keep visitors to the Spire from falling off the observation deck. With one hop, I find myself standing only a few feet away from the man I shared my first kiss with. In fact, our first and last kisses happened right here. After everything we’ve been through, it feels like we shared those experiences years instead of weeks ago.
Still looking dazed and confused, Caleb watches me as I walk over to the bench. When I sit down next to him, he turns his head away from me and stares straight ahead.
What do I do? What do I say? I
think about asking him how he is, but the answer to that question is beyond obvious. He’s hurting. He’s in so much pain he doesn’t know how to deal with it or how to make it go away. He wishes he could turn back time as easily as twirling the hands of an old-fashioned clock. He would give anything to see his sister once more, to tell her all the things he’s thought of since she passed away. I know exactly what he’s thinking because I’m going through the same exact feelings trying to deal with my own grief over losing Lux. She may not have been my sister, but she was just as precious to me.
I think about what I would want in this moment if I were Caleb and decide to just sit with him until he’s either ready to talk or tells me to go away. Neither has happened yet, so there’s hope he might open up if I bide my time.
Seconds pass, then minutes. Caleb barely moves a muscle. His gaze remains steady but I don’t think he’s actually focusing on anything real. He seems like a soul lost in his own thoughts. Perhaps he’s remembering better times with his sister before both of their lives were turned upside down after coming to the living world. That one decision irrevocably altered their lives forever, and I’m sure Caleb wouldn’t make the same choice if given a second chance. He would have talked Rose out of coming here in order to save her life. It’s the same thing I would have done for Lux. If I had known she had to give up her existence just so I could have a soul, I never would have taken her with me to meet Abaddon at the tournament castle. I would have placed her somewhere safe. I failed her in the worst way possible, and now she’s gone forever.
Great. Now I’m depressed. How am I going to help Caleb when I feel just as horrible as he does?
With a heavy sigh, I brace the heels of my hands against the rear-edge of the bench and lean back slightly.
“What’s wrong with you?” I hear him ask. He seemed so lost in his own grief that I didn’t expect him to notice mine.
When our eyes meet, I notice his lack the verve of life they once twinkled so brightly with. He looks dead inside, and I begin to doubt my ability to pull him out of the darkness.
“I was just thinking about Lux.” Answering his question becomes harder than I first imagined. A tightness forms inside my chest, making it difficult to breathe, much less speak. I clear my throat and fill my lungs before I can finish my thought. “I was also thinking about all the things I could have done to save her but didn’t.”
Caleb tilts his head down and slowly nods. “I can understand that. I was having similar thoughts about Rose. There were so many moments where I could have pulled her back before things got out of hand. I should have talked her out of coming here. Why didn’t I do that? It would have been so simple . . .”
Caleb stares at the stone floor but I know he doesn’t actually see it. He’s more than likely thinking through all the times he could have said something or done something to alter his sister’s fate.
“There’s no way you could have known what would happen to her,” I say, reaching out to touch his arm as a reminder that he’s not alone. “Aren’t you at least relieved to know that Rose is in Heaven?”
Caleb’s head snaps up. His lips part in surprise. “She’s what? Who told you that?”
“I . . .” Words suddenly escape me because I’m surprised by his surprise. “Cal announced it at the funeral. Didn’t you hear him?”
Caleb shakes his head. “I must have phased here before he said it.”
Caleb practically leaps from his seat on the bench and starts pacing back and forth in front of me.
“This changes everything,” he mutters to himself excitedly. “She was right. I never should have doubted her!”
“Uh, doubted who about what exactly?” I ask, curious to know what he’s talking about. I assume the “her” he’s referring to is Rose, but it’s never a good idea to assume anything.
Caleb comes to an abrupt stop in front of me. His eyes have life in them again after his great revelation.
“Rose said all anyone had to do was ask God for forgiveness for their sins and he would forgive them. I doubted her. I told her I didn’t think God listened to prayers coming from people inside the Void, but I was obviously wrong. I never should have doubted what she told me. Of the two of us, she was always the smarter one.”
I can’t argue about that, but not for the same reasons as Caleb. I hate to think ill of the dead, but Rose was very good at manipulating people to get what she wanted from them. Rose apparently repented of her sins since her soul was allowed into Heaven, but it doesn’t erase the memories of what she did while she was here. I remember clearly how she pushed Caleb and me together. If it hadn’t been for her meddling, maybe I would have realized sooner that her brother wasn’t the man I was supposed to be with. Maybe, if she hadn’t manipulated the situation, I would have realized Silas was the person meant for me sooner.
But I don’t say any of that. Caleb seems to have finally found a way to cope with his sister’s passing from this world into the next. I refuse to be the one that takes his joy of the moment away with my own misgivings about someone he adored.
“I’m happy for you,” I say, as I sit up straighter on the bench. “I wish Lux could have been given a second chance, too.”
The light in Caleb’s eyes dims. He takes a knee in front of me. “I’m so sorry, Lora. I know how much she meant to you, and it’s obvious you meant the world to her.” He reaches out and cups one of my hands on my lap with one of his. “She wouldn’t have had the strength to give you her soul if she hadn’t loved you.”
Caleb begins to rub the side of my hand with his thumb in a comforting manner. I slowly pull my hand away from his in response. My reaction doesn’t go unnoticed.
“Will you ever be able to forgive me?” he asks, searching my face for any small sign that I’ll find a way to push past all of his lies.
“I don’t know.” It’s the only answer I can give.
Caleb sighs. “That’s better than a flat-out no, I suppose. Since you’re unable to tell a lie, your answer gives me hope that I’ll be able to prove myself to you re-earn your trust. Maybe one day, you’ll even be able to honestly call me a friend again.”
“Maybe. If you truly want to start rebuilding that bridge between us, there is something you can do.”
“Name it,” he says, standing back up as he waits for me to continue.
“Do you know what Levi wants with Azrael? How do Alred and the Wardens fit into his plan?”
“I wish I had answers to those questions, but I honestly don’t know.” The pained expression on Caleb’s face tells me that he’s telling the truth. “Whatever Levi and my mother have planned will only further their agenda somehow.”
“We figured that much,” I say, feeling irritated that I won’t be able to go back to Jered with more information. I stand up and shake out my wings. Now that I’ve done what Jered wanted me to do, I see no point in sticking around any longer. “I need to get home. Are you staying here at the academy or going back to the castle?”
“Staying here. I can’t be around the baby right now. All he does is remind me of Rose, and the pain is just too fresh. I’m relieved to know she’s in Heaven, but I selfishly want her back here with me. She was the only person who truly loved me. Now, I don’t have anyone, and I doubt I ever will.”
His words sting my heart. I suddenly feel the urge to reach out and give him a hug, but I refrain from doing it. For one, he might take it as a sign of affection when I only mean it for comfort. Secondly, I’m still mad at him. A part of me wants him to suffer for his actions, and it’s that part that wins out.
“You know, you’re a descendant of Lilith’s line,” I remind him. “You do have the ability to phase to Heaven if you really want to see Rose.”
Caleb’s eyes light up in surprise before quickly dimming again. “I had forgotten about that. My phasing skills are hit or miss at best. I’m not sure trying to phase there would be the best thing for me to do. Besides, I don’t want to ruin any happiness she’s found there with my s
elfish need to have her back in my life. She’s better off not seeing me like I am right now.”
His reasons for not going are sound, and I can’t argue against them, but I also can’t leave him here looking so glum.
“Liana and Will are going to have their wedding in the chapel here on campus tomorrow,” I tell him, hoping the celebration might lift his spirits. “You should come. It might help take your mind off things for a little while.”
“I’ll think about it.”
After a few seconds of awkward silence, I start to make my way over to the railing to leave. As I walk past him, Caleb reaches out and grabs one of my arms to stop me.
“Lora . . .”
I turn to look at him waiting for him to continue.
“I, uh, well, I know things between us will probably remain a bit strained for a while, but I want you to know there isn’t anything that I wouldn’t do for you. Right now, you and the baby are the only people I really care about. If there’s ever anything you need from me, all you have to do is ask and I’ll do it. Anything.”
I feel at a loss for words and only one comes to me as a response. “Thanks.”
Caleb lets go of my arm and I jump over the railing to glide to the ground. As I’m walking toward the main building, I’m caught off guard by how uncomfortable Caleb’s declaration made me feel. I’m worried he might try to do something stupid to prove his worthiness to me. People often make mistakes when they think they’re doing something good for someone else.
After I enter the main building and get within five feet of the door to Jered’s office, I hear him raise his voice in anger.
“I don’t agree with this plan!” Jered says. “It’s not right, Malcolm.”
“And what is right?” Malcolm retorts rather caustically. “Are we just supposed to stand back and let Levi waltz his troops into Heaven to take it over? We have to do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
“I don’t see how our Father is okay with this plan,” Jered argues heatedly. “You can’t tell me He’s given His blessing to what amounts to genocide!”
