by Lily Holland
“I’m sorry,” I say, shaking my head quickly, “but I am not in the mood.”
His jaw clenches at my words but he only takes another step forward. His presence so close overwhelms me and I am about to turn away but he grabs my hand.
“Please, Charity. I am only asking for a ride. You can be certain I will never ask anything of you after that. Ever again, it’s a promise I’m making to you.”
I study his face for a minute but I can’t help shivering at his touch. His deep voice reminds me of that time when he told me I was beautiful. Did he really think so at the time? Is he thinking it right now as he is looking at me? Or does he think about a certain other woman he could never have?
“Fine,” I accept in a sigh. “One ride.”
A smile stretches my husband’s lips and he kisses my knuckles. He leads me to my horse and helps me to mount before settling upon another mare.
I follow him up a path through the estate. We jog passed the garden and join the main track round the lawn at the edge of the forest. The night will be setting in a few hours so he doesn’t want us to go too far in.
After a ten-minute ride, he stops and dismounts. He observes me, still as a statue and I sigh again. I accept his hand and he carries me to the floor. His eyes linger into mine and it makes me frown. I take a step back, I’m not certain of what I have just seen in them.
“Thank you for coming with me,” he starts and we walk our horses on the path.
“Your letter said you wanted to talk to me, so I came.”
“It did,” he says slowly, “I do want us to talk about what divides us.”
I smirk but I don’t add anything.
“You left very hurriedly.”
“Yes,” I admit.
“You have never told me why.”
I know he doesn’t want it to, but his tone betrays an ounce of anger and resentment. I shrug.
“I think you already know.”
He nods but he suddenly stops and let’s go of his horse’s bridle.
“I haven’t been good to you, have I?”
His question makes me stop in my turn and I gaze up the remaining part of the path. I shrug.
“I suppose you have, but maybe not often enough.”
He sighs and grabs both my hands in his. Our horses use their freedom to stroll a little farther.
“I’m sorry, Charity, you have to believe me. I truly am.”
I sigh again and look up to find his eyes. He seems honest and it makes me scared.
“I didn’t want to hurt you, I have never wished to but it happened and it’s all my fault and I am sorry. I am deeply ashamed of what I put you through, I know it wasn’t fair to you. You have always been so kind to me, so supportive and benevolent. I didn’t want to hurt you and especially not that way.”
I swallow at the lump that just formed in my throat and I look at the ground. I can’t stare at his eyes, it makes me weak in the legs.
“There are some things one cannot control.”
I sound nonchalant, I know, but I can’t help it.
He shakes his head.
“No, indeed, but I think my behavior led you to believe things that are not true.”
“Really?” I say, my eyes shooting to his face. “I’m not certain I have been misled in anything.”
I wait for a few seconds before going on.
“Your heart belongs to someone else, John. It is a fact, you admitted it yourself. What is there left to say?”
He shakes his head again and one of his hands reaches for my face.
“That is where you are wrong, my dear. Many things have changed and… And you are my wife, you, not her.”
I frown and take a step back to flee his touch.
“Don’t lie,” I spit out. “I have seen your eyes on her at Lady Harengton’s party. Your gaze wasn’t the one of a man who had once felt for a woman, it was a look of pain and splintered love. I tried to be a good wife to you, to understand you and support you. I believed we could make it work at some time but then you saw her and it was all over. There is no place in your heart for anyone else but Selina Knightley and I refuse to play the part of your happy companion. I am not the romantic kind, John, but I cannot accept for the man I love to care only for another woman. It isn’t in me, I’m sorry.”
I turn away as I don’t want him to spot the tears on my face.
“You underestimate my heart.”
His voice makes me turn back abruptly and I shake my head.
“Are you so blind as to believe you can forget about her? She is everything you ever wanted. Not me, her. Always her. Forever her and I can’t take it John, it is too much to ask of me.”
He nods and I see his jaw clenching in contrition.
“Do you know where I was the day you decided to leave, Charity?”
I sigh and look around. The horses are sniffing at the green lawn and the sky is turning darker every minute. The sun still shines on the bright path but the shadows of the trees are becoming more threatening by the minute.
“Is it important?”
He nods and both his hands link in his back.
“I was at Sir Landcaster’s. I took my luncheon there, I think you will recall.”
“Maybe.”
“Lady Landcaster ate with us and she told me Lord and Lady Knightley were expecting their first child.”
I swallow at my dry throat and shake my head.
“Indeed.”
“You left too hurriedly, Charity. You left without giving me enough time to share my feelings with you.”
I snort and turn a pine cone with my foot.
“Was there anything to share, John? For days, there was only silence between us, only cold and ice. I don’t see how this new heartache of yours could have convinced me to stay.”
He shakes his head quickly and grabs my hand again, firmly, making sure I can’t draw back, making sure I don’t look away from his eyes.
“That’s where you are wrong. I had a great deal to say to you that afternoon. You left so quickly I couldn’t tell you… I realized in the coach how stupid I had been. I am a proud man, Charity, and I happen to become vain when my heart is involved. I have loved Selina enough to hope to marry her, that is true, I could never deny it, but it never happened. Somehow, I had never understood. You see, the heart of a woman is a mystery to me and to realize I had no place in Selina’s hurt my pride more than I would have thought.”
I remain unmoving, prisoner of his hands holding mine and I detail his eyes.
“My hurt was real and you saw it for what it was,” he continues. “I loved her until I got to know you. I am well aware our time together has always been shadowed by her name and the feelings you knew I had for her, yet you talked to me and comforted me. You tried, Charity, and I only had to take a step to meet you halfway. I wanted to, I started to, and then seeing her again overwhelmed me. So when Lady Landcaster told me about the future heir of Knightley she would soon be bringing to life, I realized I had been wrong for a long time. I hadn’t realized how stupid it was to love a married woman until then. And that’s when it has become obvious to me: my love for Selina has been hollow. It had nothing substantial, nothing to hold onto. I have never held her close, never kissed her, never touched her face, and yet I held onto the illusion of her because my pride had been hurt. How stupid I have been when all I have ever dreamed of has been right beside me all this time.”
He takes one hand to my cheek and caresses his fingers to my jaw.
“I gave you more than I could ever have given her and you… You gave me everything she ever refused to me. You married me, Charity, you looked at me, comforted me, held me and kissed me and I was still blind. I couldn’t see you then but I do now.”
He inches closer and my gaze flees to look on the side. His second palm jumps up to cup my face and he forces my eyes to lock with his.
“I’m sorry I hurt you, Charity, I’m sorry I ever let you believe you were less important to me than her bec
ause it was never the truth. When I come home from a trip in town, it’s you I yearn to see, not her. It’s you I want, never her. I have never wished to hurt you, yet I did. I am deeply sorry, my dear Charity and I hope you will forgive me. I would like to be your friend, and, one day—if you allow me, I would like to become the husband you deserve.”
He leans in and I freeze, my entire body alert as his lips press to mine and my breath stops. He pulls back after a second and I shake my head.
“Oh John! You say that now, but what will you say in a month? In a week? What will happen if we meet her or her husband at a party? What if you say these pretty words now but in a year the heartache comes back and you get depressed and break my heart at the same time?”
“I will never let it happen,” he says and his eyes on mine are so determined it makes me shiver between his hands. “It’s over, Charity, the heartache is over. Now there’s only you, you are the only one able to break my heart.”
I close my eyes as tears fall down my cheeks and he kisses me again. His lips pressing on mine, his tongue finding my own and our breath short, I feel the lost taste of him in my mouth and I feel at home. He kisses me deeply for a long, incredible time and, when he pulls back and kisses my forehead in tenderness, I realize we have been standing under the massive oak tree where he already kissed me before.
Chapter 10
Charity
We walk up to the house and Cary takes the bridles of our horses. We make our way to the dining room and Mrs. Leigh has already prepared everything for supper.
We sit down to eat and the maid hesitates.
“Yes?” wonders John.
“It’s only… Will Lady Feaston stay tonight or should I keep her luggage untouched?”
My husband turns to me and details my face. He doesn’t speak, doesn’t answer and his eyes on me are full of hope. I inhale a sharp breath. I don’t want to disappoint his hopes.
I look at Mrs. Leigh patiently waiting by the door.
“I won’t be going back tonight,” I say and the woman bows her head.
She exits the room and I look back at John.
“If I ever need to leave once more, I’ll only have to pack it all over again.”
He nods but I see his shoulders drooping in apologies.
“I’m sorry I ever drove you to it,” he says and I grab my glass of wine.
“Let’s not talk about it anymore,” I announce. “Tell me about the latest news in the neighborhood. I haven’t had much gossip out of Lady Harengton’s letters to satisfy my curiosity.”
A thin smile appears on his lips and he bobs his head. He tells me about the new Lord and Lady joining the area, about the last news from Parliament and the advancement of the war with America and France. I listen to him patiently, picking at my food, wondering what tomorrow will look like.
He was very convincing earlier, but I still have my own doubts. How could his feelings have changed that much? He says he missed me and his eyes have been opened, but is it true? Is it real?
I doubt but why would he lie? There is no point in telling me all this and wishing to keep me here with him if he isn’t genuine. Could it be to avoid a scandal? If I were to stop living here, it would surely be the talk of the neighborhood, but it wouldn’t weight on him too much. Yes, it would be annoying in society, but he isn’t one to care too much about what the others have to say about him.
I observe him as we stand up and go to the library. The candles are burning brightly and I review the place. It is so familiar and yet, it feels so different from what it has always been to me. I notice the book I left on the table is still there, unmoved.
“I asked Mrs. Leigh not to put it away.”
I frown and look up at John. My eyes find his and I notice they are gleaming.
“She wanted to put it back on the bookshelf but I refused. I thought you might like to find it where you had left it if you were ever to come back.”
He smiles but, as I pass my fingertips on the leather spine, tears gather in my eyes. I turn away, not willing to let him see, but he soon closes his arms around me. I lean into his embrace as he holds me close and I wonder what I can do to make my emotional outburst pass. Somehow, the only thing that helps is holding him more strongly, and he understands the cue. His fingers brush over my back and I lose my nose in his neck, my sobs wetting his shirt and his jacket. He nurses me against his body for a while and when I don’t have any tear left to cry, his hand goes over my hair and he grabs my chin.
“Have faith in me, dear Charity. My heart has belonged only to you for weeks now. Not having you near me has only confirmed it, I yearn for you all day long.”
I shake my head, my face flushing at his words and my mind refusing to accept them as the truth. He smiles gently and kisses my forehead. It’s a soft kiss, a tender kiss. I nod grabbing the handkerchief he hands me and wiping my tears and nose.
We sit on the settee and he holds me close to him, my head resting on his shoulder and his arms around my waist.
Time passes in silence but it is filled with a warmth that had been long gone between us. He caresses my hair from time to time and I inhale his smell to comfort myself. I have missed him so much. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt, I don’t think I can do anything else. I don’t want to feel threatened by another woman but I can’t decently leave and run away from him. I need his arms around me and his kisses… I have missed them too so much. Each time he kisses me, time stops and I lose myself in his softness. If there is something I know it’s that when he is with me, he is only with me. My doubts now are about whether he will always want to be with me.
I don’t know how long we spend sitting that way but, at some point, John leans into me and kisses my cheek. I look at him and he smiles. He stands up and grabs my hand, making me stand in my turn.
He cups my face with his other hand and details my features. I wonder what he sees. I’m convinced my eyes are red and I look paler than healthy does. He smiles and brings his lips to my forehead. As he pulls back, his nose dances with mine and I feel like kissing him but I don’t. He doesn’t either.
I open my eyes and his smile softens, his fingers on my cheek caressing my skin in a faint brush.
“I am sorry, Charity, you have to believe me. I will do all I can, all that is in my power to be the man you deserve.”
I close my eyes at his words and he presses his forehead to mine. His warm breath is caressing my face and his comforting palm holding mine makes my breath shorter. His declaration is genuine, I know. I love this side of him, the gentle side, the determined side. It’s charming and, as he pulls back and our eyes lock, I know he has charmed me completely. His complete attention is all I have ever dreamed of, is he finally making it come true?
He draws a faint kiss to my lips, his skin barely touching mine, and he steps back. My hand still in his, he drives it to his lips and kisses my knuckles, his eyes closing.
“Good night, my beautiful wife.”
He straightens back up and steps on the side but I don’t let go of his hand. He studies my face as I frown and look down at our joined hands. I remain unmoving for a while but he doesn’t move away, doesn’t speak, he simply observes me as I review the feelings assaulting my heart.
I look back up to find his eyes and I grab his second hand in mine. My heart is thundering in my chest, I don’t know what I am doing but I’m doing it.
“Would you… Could you…”
I look down as a shade of pink rises to my cheeks and he inches a bit closer.
“Yes?”
I shake my head, ready to let go of my stupid idea but, when I look back up and cross his gaze, a shy smile finds its way to my lips.
“Would you stay with me tonight?”
He blinks, surprised. His hands on mine tense for a second.
“Do you mean…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence and I nod. I’m surprised to see his face flushing but it makes him only more attractive to my eyes.
“Are you sure?”
I nod again. He says he wants to be the husband I deserve, this is the way to make sure of it. If he can be with me, then it will mean his mind doesn’t belong to his first love anymore. Many men could have both, of course, honoring their wives while thinking about their mistress but not John. It would crush his heart to feel guilt toward Selina. He doesn’t know, but the rest of our life together depends on his answer. And I’m scared. Scared that he might refuse, and scared that he might accept.
He details me for a long time, not talking, not adding a word and I fear his decision is plain on his face. I let go of his hands and turn on the side, ready to walk away but he grabs me by the waist and closes the space between us. He reviews my face for a second before fusing our mouths and making me moan.
I didn’t expect this passion, this kind of softness mixed with raw desire. I lose myself into this kiss and he pulls back after long, intense minutes spent devouring me and I don’t even know where I am anymore. He keeps me close to his body and looks at me, his blue eyes inquiring and his lips an inch away from mine.
He steps back and takes my hand and my entire body shivers at his touch. He drives me upstairs to my room and he stops by the door. He hesitates, opens the door. A bright fire is burning in the hearth and making the air warmer. My clothes have been unpacked and a nightgown rests on the bed for me to use. I walk in but he doesn’t follow me.
I study John’s face and he sighs, his thumb caressing my knuckles.
“I want you Charity, but not if you feel forced to humor me.”
I gasp at his words and let go of his hand.
“To humor you?”
He nods.
“Yes. If you feel obliged, forced beyond your desire only because you think it is what is expected of a wife then it isn’t a great idea. It can wait. I only want you to know my heart is yours now, I don’t need to share your bed just yet.”
He is giving me a way out and that is when I realize I don’t want one. I shake my head and drag him into the room before closing the door behind him.
