by Amanda Wals
Amy scooted over near me and laid her head on my chest with one arm draped across me, in a slight cuddle. Only her head, arm, and shoulder touched me. She smelled so good. I looked down and impulsively kissed the top of her head lightly. She tilted her head to look up at me and our eyes locked for a long moment. I desperately wanted to kiss my kid sister's soft, full lips. Kiss her and a whole lot more. Finally, her face broke out in a soft smile. Her eyes seemed to smile as well. Her smile could light up a room, I decided.
"I'm really glad we've become close again."
"Me too." I replied, and meant it.
I broke her gaze and stared out the bedroom window at the sky, feeling an ache in my chest and trying not to let it show.
"Adam?" she asked tentatively.
"Yeah?" I glanced back down, to see she was no longer looking up at me, but instead had her eyes on one of the stacks of canvases against the wall.
"Would it be okay for me to come to your show? I'd really like to go and see my brother's paintings hanging in a gallery, all properly lit. I should get back the day before."
"Of course." I replied, feeling strangely emotional that she would want to come. "It would mean a lot for you to be there."
She hugged me with the arm she'd had on my chest. "Good."
"Hey Amy?"
"Hmm?"
"I want my shirt back."
"Oh, shut up."
* *
The afternoon before Amy was to leave for Rome, the house was a flurry of activity. Mom was going overboard, making lists and nagging Amy she needed was packed for the trip. Our father would periodically pass through the living room and demand to see her passport, boarding pass, and so on in order to make sure she had them all and could grab them on a moment's notice. Amy seemed frazzled by the whole thing, but was still elated. For my part, I tried to stay the hell out of the way. I loaded her phone up with some music she liked to try to help her pass the long flight time with and left it at that. Well, I mostly left it at that. Ever the music nerd that I was, I slipped in a few songs along the way that I felt she needed to hear. After that task was finished, I kept to my room, listening to music, and avoiding the whole scene downstairs. Our mother could get pretty intense about these kinds of things. If I were being honest, I would also have to admit that I really wasn't looking forward to not seeing her for two weeks, even if part of me kind of thought it might be a good opportunity for me to try to shake my ever growing feelings for her.
Later that evening, after the dust had settled and all parties seemed to be content that she was as ready for the trip as she would ever be, I risked a trip into the kitchen to forage for dinner. Amy was eating an apple at the bar in the kitchen when I walked in. I cocked an eyebrow in her direction as I grabbed a beer from the fridge and fished around on my key ring for my bottle opener.
"I need one of those after all that," she smiled at me.
"I'd imagine so. Better you than me. I've already decided that when I go on a trip by myself, I'm going to tell them about ten minutes before I leave when I've already got the car packed." That got a laugh out of her.
She watched me as I made a sandwich, leaning over to snatch a piece of turkey I had just slapped into place and eating it with a little grin.
"Goddamned thief." I muttered giving her a fake evil stare as I dug more turkey out to replace it.
"You gonna miss me?" She asked as she chewed on her stolen turkey with no remorse in her thieving heart.
"I thought maybe a little, but then someone jacked my turkey and I'm thinking of driving them to the airport now to let them hang out in the lounge all night." More than you know, was the answer ringing in my head.
"Mom was saying you have to work in the morning and aren't gonna be at the airport to see me off." There was a hint of disappointment in her voice and I definitely picked up on it.
"I would if I could, sis, but I gotta open the shop tomorrow." I did feel bad about that, but the owner at work was out of town and I was the only one they trusted with the business while they were away.
"I know. I just wanna see you before I go." She was pouting a little. I had to admit to myself that it was rather adorable, if a bit juvenile. I finished my sandwich preparation and looked up to unintentionally lock eyes with her. There was a hesitant look in her eye, like she wanted to say more but chose not to. I hoped she wasn't pissed at me for not being able to take her to the airport.
"We'll hang out tonight, then." I replied, "Hang out and watch a movie or something."
"That sounds like fun." Amy brightened, and gave me a quick hug as she stole a bite of my sandwich. "I'll see you in a bit."
"Damn it, brat!" I looked at the hole in my sandwich in mild irritation, more from habit than actual irritation. If she had stolen a bite of my sandwich when I was fifteen or so, there would have been hell to pay. I've mellowed with age, I guess.
Laughing like the little brat she was being, she disappeared into the living room. I wrapped my sandwich in a couple of paper towels, grabbed my beer, along with a spare from the fridge and scooted upstairs to my room before my mom caught a second wind and started barking orders again.
Amy showed up a little while later, wearing my This Mortal Coil shirt again, and we settled on something to watch. One thing that needed to happen while she was away, I thought, was that I needed to go through her closet and reclaim my damned clothes. I laid back on the bed, and she laid a pillow on my stomach and laid across me to prop herself up so we could both see the TV.
"I'm sure dad's repeatedly given you the speech about being careful while you're over there, yeah?"
"Definitely." She laughed.
"Do I need to give one as well?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow again.
"What's that? My big brother is worried about me?" Amy smiled at me, even her eyes seemed to smile. Her smile could kill someone with a heart condition, I was sure of it.
I shrugged. "Well, yeah. I suppose he is. And unlike dad, he's reasonably sure that you'll spend a good deal of time getting drunk off your ass in night clubs and be vulnerable to all manner of Italian lowlifes."
She reached up and grabbed one of my hands, pulling it to her mouth and kissing the back of it. "I promise to be careful, Adam. I hope to have a lot of fun, but I'll be careful about it." There was a pause. "Thank you for caring though."
I left it at that, I'd said my piece. I really wanted her to have fun and enjoy her trip. Part of me didn't want her to go, but I would never tell her that. I sort of disappeared in my thoughts for the majority of the movie, enjoying that my sister was here with me, spending time with me, and feeling that dull ache in my chest that reminded me that I wanted more from her than that and could never act on that emotion. The movie came to an end, and the credits rolled. Amy didn't move.
A few minutes passed in silence, and I heard her snoring softly. Pinned under her, I didn't see where there was much I could do about the situation without waking her up. Unwilling to do that, I lay there for a while just taking in her smell and reflecting on how great she felt laying against me. Before long, I fell asleep myself.
When I woke up, the room was dark. Amy must have gotten up at some point and turned the light off. She hadn't gone to bed, though. At least not to hers. She was still here, asleep, cuddled up against me. Her left leg draped over mine, along with her left arm and shoulder across my chest. Her head was laying on my shoulder, with the top of her head just below my chin. It felt very... intimate, and my heart hammered thunderously in my chest at the realization.
I reached up with my free hand and rubbed my eyes, grabbing the bridge of my nose and yawned. The movement caused Amy to stir. She tilted her head, and I felt her lips brush lightly against my neck, her warm breath blowing across my throat. I became aware that her heart was beating fast against the side of my chest.
"Please," she whispered against my throat so softly that I could barely hear her at all, "tell me it isn't just me."
"What do you mean?" Holy. Shit. My stomach knot
ted up so hard that I wanted to double over. Did she love me back? Was I misinterpreting her meaning? Fuck. I tried to swallow but got nowhere. My mouth was completely dry.
"I mean... I feel like there is more going on with you and me than... brother and sister." She struggled with the words, clearly afraid of my reaction. "It's isn't just me, right?"
Fucking hell. I wasn't the only one feeling this way. It wasn't me dealing with this shit. It was both of us. My mind was racing so fast, trying to untangle my thoughts that I didn't reply. I felt like my body temperature just skyrocketed and I struggled to breathe. I wanted her so badly, I was so in love with her, but to admit it and acknowledge all that it meant was just... overwhelming.
"Please.. Adam," she whispered, her voice was shaking. "Please answer."
The fear in her voice snapped me out of the tangled snarl in my head. I took a deep breath, feeling like someone on a tightrope, and forced out the words. "It's not just you."
"Oh, thank god!" she sighed and squeezed me so hard that I thought she was going to snap one or two of my ribs. I felt dampness hit my neck and realized she was weeping. "I couldn't leave without knowing. I was going crazy."
I was both elated and terrified. I brought my hand up and cupped her cheek. She bent her face to the curve of my palm and placed her hand over mine. I brushed one of her tears away with my thumb.
I slid my hand from her cheek down under her chin and gently guided her head up to meet mine. I couldn't see more than the outline of her face in the complete darkness, but it didn't matter. I leaned in and felt our lips touch. Amy's arm shot up like a mouse trap and wrapped around my head, holding me in place so tightly it almost hurt.
Our lips parted and my tongue started hungrily exploring her mouth, just as hers did mine. We were kissing in earnest, in a way that brother and sister were never meant to kiss. Her lips felt even more amazing than I had imagined. Her tongue seemed kind of small, a bit pointed, and quite muscular. She darted it into my mouth and scouted around with it with much more finesse than my own possessed. She was intoxicating, and I found myself feeling giddy. The kiss was incredible, charged with the anticipation and need that had built in both of us for over the past few months. It felt like seconds, it felt like hours. The immense relief that she shared my feelings was indescribable. I sucked her lower lip into my mouth, gently holding it in place a moment before releasing it as we broke contact to gasp for air. She let out a small whimper that made my heart jump. Within the space of a breath, I dove on her planting a series of kisses along her jawline, down her exquisite neck that had so captivated me these past months and along her clavicle until I was stopped by her shirt collar. Well, my shirt collar, actually. The damned thief. She moved her head to the side to allow me access to her neck and released a combination of moans and whimpers as I worked my way along her neck that threatened my self control with every breath.
"Jesus, Adam" she whispered, her breath heavy and fast, as I kissed my way back up her neck. "You're an amazing kiss. I can't believe this."
"Neither can I." I paused kissing her as my mind snapped back into reality. I wasn't so much of a hedonist that I could lose my grasp on the gravity of the situation.
"I didn't mean for you to stop," Amy pouted into my ear, punctuated by her nibbling my earlobe.
"I don't want to stop, either" I began, "but you're my sister. This is wrong."
"I know," she replied with a heavy sigh, "but it doesn't feel wrong to me. I know it's supposed to, but it doesn't."
She licked my neck and planted a kiss on the wet mark her tongue left. Damn it. My head and my cock both thought that was a hot as hell move she'd pulled. I fought to remain focused on talking this out.
"You have no idea how badly I want you. But this is some heavy shit we're getting into." I took a deep breath, "This could ruin our lives, you know? It's really fucked up."
"You want me?" Amy asked, even in the darkness, I could feel her eyes on me.
"You sorta picked up on the wrong half of that statement, but yes, I want you. More than you know. Maybe more than you will ever know."
"Is this just about sex for you?" She asked timidly. There was a note of worry in her voice, but she was trying to hide it.
"Not at all." I replied as I sat up and scooted back to prop my back against the wall. "I mean, if that's all it was and you felt the same, we might could just sleep together and get on with our lives. It's kind of fucked up, but it's not insurmountable. At least I don't think it is, you know? It's a lot more than sex for me. That's what scares me."
I couldn't decide if it was good or bad that we were in darkness. I felt really exposed talking about my feelings like this. Not only because I was in love with someone I shouldn't be, but because I wasn't one to express my feelings in general. I couldn't see her beautiful face, or the effect my words had on her. In some ways, that was a relief.
I felt Amy shifting on the bed as she sat up and scooted over to me. She felt for my knees, then turned to face away from me, pushing herself back to lay against me. Leaning back to rest her head on my shoulder, she pulled my arms around her. "I want you to hold me." It wasn't a request.
"I can do that." I hugged her to me, taking in the smell of her hair again. She relaxed against me.
"It's more than that for me, too." She sighed, "I've been so confused. And scared to say anything."
"I'm glad you did." I allowed myself a small smile, "But there's still a big problem."
"Yeah, I know." She hugged on my arms.
"You're my little sister, and I love you. You are a huge part of my life. I can't allow myself to cross a line that we can't get back from. If it went bad for us. Everything would change. I have a responsibility to watch out for you. If I were to hurt you, I couldn't do that. I couldn't be there anymore. I don't want you, don't want us, to ever be something I regret. You mean too much to me for that." I said, feeling more exposed than I ever had in my life. I could have walked into the University library ass naked and not felt as vulnerable as I did at that moment.
"Wow..." Amy said very softly. "I mean, holy... shit."
"What?" I was puzzled.
"I think that is the most incredible thing anyone has ever said to me." She sat up to stare at me in the darkness.
"Really? I stole that off of a Hallmark card. They have a whole selection of cards in their web store devoted to incest." I was immediately rewarded with an elbow to the ribs.
"You can be such a jackass." She laughed and let herself fall back into my arms. "You drop a line like that on me and then follow it up with wisecracks."
"Sorry, I guess." I replied, without much conviction. I'm a born wise ass, I can't help it.
"Actually, it's one of the things I love about you." She sighed. "As far back as I can remember."
After another few minutes passed in silence, then another elbow suddenly shot into my ribs.
"Oof!"
"Wait a damned minute!" She exclaimed, suddenly sounding indignant, "just sleep together and get on with our lives?! You think I'd be that forgettable in bed?"
"That's not what I meant and you kno-" I was cut off by her mouth covering mine again. She was kissing me again, and chuckling when she stopped for air. I decided that if I died that night, having tasted no more than her lips and tongue, I felt I could die happy. A fucking degenerate who got off on kissing his little sister, but at least a happy one.
"I'm just screwing with you." I could feel Amy's smile against my throat as she was kissing it repeatedly, before whispering seductively in my ear. "But just so you know, I'd do everything I could to blow your mind. And I'm pretty sure I could do it, too."
My heart nearly seized up for the third or fourth time that night, not quite believing the words that I heard coming from my baby sister, but my cock certainly got the memo, as I was certain there was no way she didn't feel it pressing against her back by now. Mercifully, she didn't mention it.
"I'd love to see you try. But we can't..."
"I k
now." She held me close to her, and I hugged back. We lay there in silence for a while before she spoke again. "Fucking Rome. I'm going to miss you so much. I almost don't want to go anymore."
"Don't be silly, Amy." I stroked her hair. "This trip is huge for you. You guys saved for it for years. I'll still be here when you get back. It's only two weeks."
"It's the longest we've ever been apart in our entire lives, you know that? Two weeks."
"Yeah, I know. I'm really looking forward to the peace and quiet."
"Asshole." But there was no malice in her voice, only mild humor and affection.
"I'm going to miss you, too." I kissed the top of her head, "But you are going to have a wonderful time."
After a while, she seemed to fall asleep laying back against me as I remained propped up against the wall. I didn't sleep. I just listened to her breathing and took in her smell, marveling that I was holding my baby sister in my arms in a way that I had so desperately wanted to and would never dare to imagine I would. Despite being taught from a young age that how I felt about her was seriously fucked up and even illegal to act on, she felt right in my arms. I wasn't sure how to reconcile that in my head.
Just when I was about to fall asleep, I felt her small hand slide up to my throat, the ball of her thumb resting just below my Adam's apple and her long, delicate fingers wrapping up around the side of my neck and base of my shoulder. It occurred to me that she could crush my esophagus from this position. Or try to, anyway. I glanced down at her as her head tilted to look up at me. I could see the curve of her smile in the darkness.
