by Amanda Wals
I opened my mouth to speak, and words wouldn't form. I just stared at her for a long moment, just as she stared at me. My mind started racing through thoughts so quickly that I could hardly form them into words. Part of my mind was screaming at myself at the top of it's lungs to speak, while another was racing through questions. Did she resent me? She would have every right to. I left her behind. I fucking left her behind. Why the fuck did I do that? Did she still want me? Need me like I needed her? Speak, goddamn you! She's right here. Fucking speak! Has she moved on? Is she over me? She's here. She can't hate me. Right? Make your mouth work. Hug her. Hold her. Don't. You. Fucking. Cry.
"I wasn't sure I should come." She finally spoke, her lower lip trembling with uncertainty.
"I'm so glad you did." I replied, taking my first breath of air in what I thought may have been nearly a minute. In my mind, my words sounded distant, like I was on autopilot for a moment. I wasn't prepared for to see her. I had so much to say. I tried desperately to get my thoughts in order. Fuck! She was really here! I ached to hold her in my arms.
"So it's okay that I'm here?" Her voice cracked a little, still hesitant. A storm of emotions was clearly visible in her beautiful blue eyes. I could only imagine the same could be seen in mine, assuming I didn't look as afraid as I felt. Afraid of her. Afraid of myself. Afraid she'd leave. Afraid of... everything.
"It's more than okay. I just can't believe that I'm seeing you." I stepped forward and hugged her, no longer able to control my impulse. The hell with my fears, I had to hold her. At least once.
Her arms wrapped around me in a tight embrace and she started shaking. Her wonderful, familiar scent filled my lungs. My body had missed her on a cellular level, as I felt rocked to my very core by the warm softness of her small frame encased in mine. Every fiber of my being was focused on holding her in my arms again. I felt a tightness deep in my chest, a feeling I had possessed for so long that I no longer remembered it was not a part of me, slowly begin to uncoil.
We didn't speak for a few long moments, neither of us willing to release our grip on the other. We both seemed to physically vibrate with the power of the moment we were sharing.
"You were so fucking hard to find." She nearly whispered, her voice choking the words out. I could feel her tears dampening my shoulder.
"I've missed you so much." I breathed in her ear, my voice cracking around the knot in my throat. I tightened my arms around her in a squeeze for a moment but couldn't will myself to let go of her yet. A tear of my own slid down my face, despite my efforts to contain it.
Finally, she pulled away from me a few inches, her hands sliding down my arms to take both of my hands in hers. She smiled at me as warmly as ever, relief and elation written all over her face despite the tears that caused her mascara to bleed tiny black lines. Many of my questions fell away from my mind in that moment, no longer relevant as I looked in her eyes. They still shone with her love for me. As blue as the water back home.
I heard someone clear their throat suggestively nearby and glanced up to see Theron standing a few feet away with his arm around Margaret. They both had huge expectant grins painted on their faces. Hell, Margaret looked like she may start bouncing at any moment. Margaret wordlessly held a tissue out to Amy, who took accepted it and held it to each of her eyes.
Theron mouthed the word "Amy?" to me, although he looked certain that he already knew the answer. I nodded slightly, suddenly remembering where I was and that we were in a room full of people.
"You must be Amy." Theron said. Amy glanced at me with a puzzled expression, but nodded to him.
"This is Theron Cain and his wife, Margaret. This is Theron's show." I explained.
Theron extended his hand and Amy shook it politely, her other hand still holding mine.
Margaret leaned over and planted a kiss on Amy's cheek, motioning to me. "I can't tell you how important you are to this man. I'm so very glad to get the chance to meet you."
Amy didn't seem to mind Margaret's well meaning affection, despite her being a stranger and hugged herself to my arm, which was still trapped fiercely in her grip.
"He's everythi-" She started to speak and buried her face in my shoulder instead, shaking against me. I pulled my free arm up around her and held her close.
People were moving through the gallery, blissfully unaware of us and the tremendous importance of our reunion. We weren't being stared at, but I wanted to be alone with Amy all the same. I didn't care about the show at all anymore. My little sister was back in my arms and that was the only thing that mattered to me right now. I looked up at Theron, who nodded at me as if reading my mind.
"Get out of here, man. I'll call you in the morning and tell you how the rest of the show went. You've got more important things to take care of." He smiled at me, and put his arm around Margaret again.
Margaret's eyes were shimmering like she was going to start crying at any moment as she smiled more widely than I would have guessed she was capable of.
"Thanks." I acknowledged, and led Amy out of the gallery to the street. Her arm was still wrapped around me as we walked. I wasn't going to complain.
I started to hail a cab, but decided to walk for a while instead.
"Do you need to sit somewhere?" I asked her. She shook her head, letting out a little gasp as she tried to recompose herself.
We walked alongside the gallery building in silence for a few moments, without a destination in mind. I tried to organize my thoughts, not wanting to terrify her with a mountain of questions and declarations. She seemed to be calming down and I thought she was probably trying to do the same. We passed a well tended pavilion that was positioned next to the gallery and came across a Starbuck's.
I walked toward the entrance and Amy, seeing the building, broke her silence.
"You always hated Starbuck's. You said they were a cult and were going to slip potassium in the coffee at any moment and take out half the world's population."
"I still do. And I stand by my theory." I replied, grinning a little at the memory. "But you used to love the stuff."
"Let's find somewhere else." She said, sliding her hand down my arm to interlace our fingers. I suspected her arm was tiring from the grip she'd had on mine for so long now. I know my arm was grateful for a little respite, but I would have died before I voiced a complaint.
We kept wandering down the block and I suddenly had a silly urge to state the obvious.
"We're walking the streets of London together. Who would have thought that would happen?" I asked.
She stopped walking and gripped my hand a little tighter signaling to do the same. I turned to face her as she moved in closer to me. Smiling up at me, she said "I'd always hoped to."
I got lost in her smile for a moment and, impulsively, I kissed her. Her lips met mine and parted immediately. Our tongues gently explored each others' mouths, remembering their favorite places. It wasn't a hungry, driven kiss. It was a passionate, loving kiss. I felt years of tension and longing falling away from me. If anything had ever felt more right to me in my life than this moment, I didn't know what it would be. My free hand came up and wrapped around the side of her neck, my thumb resting just beneath her ear. She purred contentedly against me, letting out a relieved sounding sigh.
"Was that okay?" I asked, hesitantly, when our lips parted. I didn't know where we stood, really. I didn't know if she had someone else in her life, now. It had been years, after all, and I'd acted on impulse, kissing her almost instinctively. She hadn't acted like it was a bad move, but... Christ, I was thinking too much again.
"Oh god, yes. Do it again." She exclaimed and moved her lips back to mine. We kissed again, deeper this time, a little hungrier. She whimpered into my mouth, a satisfied sound that told me that she felt this was as right as I did.
We were interrupted when my arm was struck by a woman with an armload of shopping bags as she passed us and I suddenly remembered we were standing on a relatively busy sidewalk.
"Sor
ry, excuse me." The woman said over her shoulder.
"We're gonna get run over if we keep standing like this," I muttered and we resumed our walk.
Amy took the lead now, and it took me a moment to realize where she was leading us. There was a diner up ahead that had booths lining the walls and didn't look extremely packed at the moment. I held open the door for her and followed her inside.
Once we were settled into a booth and I finally had both hands free for a moment, I reached up and loosened my tie. As I slid it into the pocket of my suit jacket, Amy shot me a look.
"Why'd you do that?" She asked.
"It was uncomfortable," I replied as I unbuttoned the top button of my dress shirt and felt a great sense of relief.
"You look good in a suit." Amy observed.
A waitress came and took our order. I didn't ask, but I think we both ordered more out of politeness and nervousness than anything. I certainly wasn't hungry. By the time our waitress headed for the kitchen, I felt I had put off the inevitable long enough. It was time to ask questions. I wasn't quite sure where to start.
"Are you vacationing here or..?" I ventured.
"Kind of. I guess. I came here looking for you." She smiled at the last bit, reaching across the table to take my hand.
"Wow. You heard about the show in Austin?" I didn't think it had been advertised that widely. I mean, I understood that it could be found online, but I hadn't thought it would so prominent as to be heard about in the States.
"Well, Portland, actually. I found an announcement for it online and saw your name."
"Jesus. And you came all the way here in case it was me, just from seeing my name?" I was a little surprised, even though I shouldn't have been. I would have gone farther, if I knew for sure she'd be there.
"I'm glad you did, don't get me wrong." I added defensively, as a tiny grin crept over her face. I wasn't exactly oozing confidence at the moment. In a perfect world, she might end up mocking me for this one day. How weird is it that I missed her making fun of me? Hell, I missed everything about her.
"This is incredible. You're really here. I really found you. We're together." The words nearly exploded from her as she broke into on of her most excited smiles that spread from ear to ear. "I almost can't believe it."
"Yeah" I chuckled, feeling slightly giddy as her words sunk in. "We're together. You really found me."
"I love you." I told her, feeling nearly as nervous as I had the first time I had said those words to her in a non-familial context.
Her long delicate fingers moved to intertwine with my own again. She looked up at me, her stunning blue eyes locked with mine. "I love you, too."
"So there's no one waiting for you back at the hotel? Or in Portland?" I asked, regretting my insecurity immediately.
"No, baby. There's no one but you. There could never be anyone else." She squeezed my hand, rubbing her thumb over mine.
"That's a relief," I sighed. "I mean, you let me kiss you and all, so I thought... I just... Fuck." I brought my other arm up on the table and buried my face in the crook of my elbow. This is my little sister, the love of my life. Why can't I just talk to her? Fuck. I sighed in exasperation.
She reached across and ruffled my hair. I looked up into her soft smile.
"I'm nervous too, baby. It's okay." She reassured me.
"I'm sorry. I just have so many things going around in my mind."
"Me, too." Amy replied. "So let me ask, you don't have a girl waiting for you back... wherever?"
I raised my head from the table and looked at her again.
"No one could ever replace you. Why even bother trying?" She adopted the relieved expression I'd had a few moments earlier.
"So, do you live in London now?" She asked as our waitress arrived with our coffee.
"No, but I do live in Europe." I tried to give her a mysterious smile.
"Really? That's exciting."
"It wasn't at first. But I've gotten used to it." I sipped my coffee.
"Can I ask what happened after I went upstairs that morning? When I came back down, you were gone and he wouldn't tell me where you went."
She had been taking a sip of her coffee, but she set it down and stared at it for a long moment. She reached over and picked up her spoon, dumped a sugar packet in her coffee and started stirring. Her small tongue slid across her lower lip, moistening it, as she prepared to speak.
"I was screaming at him. I couldn't believe he was blaming you for everything. And what he fucking did to you. My god..." Her eyes welled up a little, but she seemed to contain it. "It got to where I was just incoherent. I don't even remember what I was yelling anymore. I was so scared, you seemed so badly hurt."
She paused. "How bad was it? I never could get an answer. I found out you went to the hospital, but all they would say was that you were discharged the same day."
"It could have been worse." I shrugged. I didn't want to get her worked up over it now, I'd long since healed from that whole debacle.
"Anyway, mom took me out to the car and drove to grandma's for a while. She just wanted to get me away from him for a while. And away from you, I guess. Later, dad took me to see our uncle in New York for a couple of weeks. That was a horrible trip. I didn't want to go, of course. He threatened to have you arrested if I didn't. He refused to listen to anything I had to say about us. He was convinced that you had taken advantage of me somehow, and wouldn't let me tell him otherwise. I don't know how I never realized what an asshole he was to you before. I know you made black sheep jokes, but I didn't see how serious it was." She dropped her spoon on her napkin and took another sip of her coffee before looking back at me. The sadness in her eyes gnawed at me. I reached up and put my hand to the side of her face, hoping to reassure her. She nuzzled her face in my palm for a moment and kissed my palm before she continued speaking.
"Anyway, you know he canceled the cellphones. He shut off the internet connection at the house, as well. He was trying to do anything he could think of to eliminate ways for you to contact me for a while."
"Yeah, I figured that was what happened."
"By the time we got back home from New York, I was a complete wreck. I dropped out for the semester. Mom had put the rest of your stuff in storage, so your bedroom was mostly empty. I used to go in your room and just sit against the wall on the floor for hours. It was as close to you as I could get. It used to piss him off something awful. Dad even took the painting that you had given me out of my room and put it in storage with the other stuff. He never knew about this, at least." She placed her hand on the necklace I had given her.
It made me ache to think of how much it must have pained her to be there. At least I had been able to go somewhere new, without constant reminders of her everywhere.
"After a couple of weeks, mom sent me to Colorado to stay with Aunt Linda and Courtney for a while. She told them that you had some huge fight with dad, had left home, and that I was have a really hard time dealing with it. So I stayed there for a couple of months with them. I missed you so badly that I broke down one night and told Courtney the truth about us. She was shocked, but eventually she accepted it. She's never told anyone. She tried to help me find you, but by then you seemed to have disappeared off of the planet."
"That was two or three months after?" I asked, remembering that I had left for Greece by then.
"Yeah, not quite three months. We had no luck at all. When you called Aunt Linda's that first Thanksgiving, Courtney was really upset that she couldn't get to the phone in time. Mom was pretty upset, too. She just wanted to know you were okay. We weren't the only ones looking for you, either. John contacted me a few times, so did Megan. No one knew where you went. When you decided to disappear, you did a damned good job of it. Oh! Megan married Man-bun, by the way. Turns out his name is Eric." She gave me a weak smile, that grew when I started laughing.
"Oh wow." I laughed. I couldn't imagine Megan being married. "Does he still have a man bun?"
"I don't k
now. I haven't been back there in a while. I got a job with a finance company in Portland after graduation. I've only been there a couple of months, though. I took a few days off to come here."
"So you got your degree? That's awesome!" I exclaimed, genuinely proud of her.
"Thanks," She smiled, amused at how excited I was for her. The waitress returned with our food and made sure we didn't need refills on our coffee.
"So what happened after Colorado?" I asked, picking up a piece of bacon and eyeing it with intent.
"I didn't want to go back home. I just couldn't take it there any more. I applied to transfer my credits to UCLA and was accepted. I qualified for a couple of grants and moved into the dorms there. I hit the books hard to keep myself busy. I wasn't really trying to graduate early, but that was a pleasant side effect. I was just trying to keep moving. Most of my free time was spent online trying to find any mention of you."
"I imagine there wasn't much to find."
"Not a damned thing." She agreed.
"Until last month when I found the announcement online for the art opening, I was worried you might have died or something. But, surely we would have gotten word of that. It was really lucky that I even heard about the show. I wasn't looking for you to be in Europe. I thought you might be in Houston or Dallas or somewhere close by. Maybe San Antonio. Surely, at least in the same country. I thought one of my best chances to find you might be if you did a show somewhere. I'm subscribed to mailing lists for art galleries all over the place. It must be more than a hundred of them. Some of the listings are for multiple galleries that do these cross promotions for each other. That's the only reason I saw anything for the show at all. When I saw your name and saw the show was in London, I couldn't believe it I feel like I haven't slept in weeks, waiting for tonight to get here. I even called the gallery from the States trying to find a home address for you. They wouldn't tell me anything."
"Probably thought you might be a stalker." I chuckled.
"My turn to ask a few things." She said, as she watched me swallow the last of the piece of bacon.
