by Amanda Wals
Despite the guilt, her love for Thomas had continued to deepen and she finally gave into her desires for him. The day after they had made love for the first time, he had asked her to go on this cruise with him and she had happily said yes. At first, she had been so excited about going on the cruise with Thomas. Eight days of adventuring, sleeping with Thomas every night. All of her friends had been envious. She had decided that if the cruise went well, she would agree to move in with Thomas.
Then it had hit her - she had to tell her parents about the cruise. She would miss three video calls with them. Every time she had thought about telling them, she had felt sick to her stomach. She had put off telling them to the last call before the cruise, which was on Tuesday.
The call had been pure torture. She had told her parents that she was going on a cruise with a friend. Her parents had kept asking her if she was going with a guy and she had always replied that she was going with a friend. She had felt so transparent in her duplicity. They had gone on and on about how much sinful and immoral activity happened on cruises. They had tried to convince her to not go. They had ended the call by telling her that they would spend every hour that she was gone praying for her soul.
She had felt so awful after the call. She had prayed and prayed, asking God to help her. She had wanted to make God and her parents happy while following her heart and she couldn't see any way of doing that. The next day, she had prayed the whole evening in the sanctuary of her church. On Thursday evening, she had spent a long time in prayer in her apartment, begging God for a sign, for a miracle. Friday, she had decided that it was in God's hands and she would worry about it no more.
On Saturday, a miracle had happened - Jacob had appeared out of nowhere. Jacob the guy her parents had wanted her to date. Jacob the guy she had spent months praising. Jacob had been her first love and her true love. And once she was with him, Jacob had been wonderful - handsome, sweet and funny.
Saturday when Thomas and Caitlin had gone for a walk, Jacob had told her that his relationship with Caitlin was going downhill, that they fought a lot and that they were close to breaking up. The great time she and Jacob had had at the pool making new friends had brought back a flood of happy memories.
Thomas had annoyed her by constantly checking out the other women at the pool. When they had gone dancing, she had hated it - the lyrics of the songs had been disgusting and people had been making out next to them on the dance floor. Thomas had been oblivious and had been disappointed that she wasn't having a good time. Jacob on the other hand had been so caring and attentive. She mildly disapproved of gambling and dancing, but she could just watch gambling and the watching had been so exciting.
While she had been watching Thomas and Jacob play blackjack, she had had a vision. It had been like God had pulled back the curtain to show a small piece of His plans for her. Her relationship with Thomas was to be like her relationship with Paul. No more premarital sex. By the end of the cruise, she and Jacob would fall in love and agree to get married. They would break up with Thomas and Caitlin, then long-distance date. She wouldn't see Jacob again until she arrived back in her hometown for their wedding. The next time she would have sex, it would be as Jacob's wife.
God's plan had solved everything. The guilt would be gone. God and her parents would be happy. She'd be happily married. All she had had to do was follow God's plan.
Sunday night when she had been dancing with Jacob, he had told her that he had never stopped loving her. God's plan is working! she had thought. She had been swept up in the moment and had told him the same thing.
Thomas had surprised her Monday when he had confronted her and had told her to pick between him and Jacob. Then it had come to her - God must have spoken to him as well! Thomas had accepted God's will that she was meant to be with Jacob, like Joseph had accepted marrying Mary when he had found out the she was pregnant. God will bless him some day for his obedience she had thought.
But Thomas had not been accepting; he had been crushed. He had loved her, had been so patient with her and she had thrown it all away for an old flame she had once wisely left behind.
Embracing The Lie didn't make it true. She may have been in love with Jacob at some point, but she hadn't been when she had graduated. She had been happy when he had suggested that they wouldn't long-distance date and would count on God to bring them back together. Since they had broken up, she had changed to be even less compatible with Jacob. Embracing The Lie had destroyed everything.
Was this like what Paul had gone through? Having to embrace a lie in order to make his friends and family happy? No, that was trivializing what Paul had done. He had lost everything when he told everyone the truth - he had been disowned by his family and friends. He had not let the cost deter him from being true to himself. If she had moved in with Thomas, what would have happened? Her parents would have been disappointed with her. Her friends in Boston would have been happy for her. She would have still had her job. She was certain that Thomas had wanted to marry her in the not-too-distant future. Probably a little discomfort with her parents for a little while, but she had been unable to face even that. Paul had been brave and she had been a coward.
What am I to do?
Thomas was wary of her now. Once bitten, twice shy. She had seen the pain in his face every time he had talked to her. He had kept her at arms length. He had rejected her idea of coming over and instead wanted to do everything by impersonal email. She had wounded his heart badly and talking to him as she had always done just reopened the wound. How could she get him to date her again?
Thomas will never want to date me.
He hadn't wanted to date her when they'd first met. Why would he date her now that she had betrayed him? Several girls at work had expressed interest in him. Why would Thomas date her instead of one of them?
"Attention please! Attention please!"
Rebecca jumped at the sound of the voice over the loudspeaker. She looked around her. She was in her cabin, with an empty suitcase in front of her and tears streaming down her face. She didn't remember walking back to the cabin or getting the suitcase out.
"Due to the storm we have spent the day traveling through, we will be delayed arriving at Miami. We estimate a ten am arrival time. We are sorry for the delay and the purser will work with anyone who needs to adjust their travel plans." The voice repeated that information several more times while Rebecca returned to her thoughts of what to do about Thomas.
She would have to beg Thomas to take her back. If she begged hard enough, he would. When? Not before the flight. With the delay, they would have to rush to catch their flight and neither of them would be in a good mood. Not on the plane - it would have to be in private. His car was at her apartment. When the taxi dropped them off there, she would convince him to go into her apartment. Once inside, she would beg him to take her back, to give her a second chance. She would tell him she had been so stupid and that she loved him and had for a long time. He was such a sweet guy, he'd forgive her.
Yes, he'd forgive but he'd never forget. The wound would still be there; their love would be a shadow of what it was before. But what could she do? All she could do was love him. No, she had to do more than that. She'd have to demonstrate her love for him with something so incredible that it would knock the memory of her betrayal out of his heart. She'd have to be brave and seize the opportunity to do so when it came.
But would it ever come?
* * *
Caitlin and I were naked in bed. Dancing hadn't been as much fun tonight as it had been, partly because it was getting old and partly because we were both sad that the cruise was coming to an end. Our post-dancing sex had been slow with lots of caresses, like we were trying to memorize the each others' body.
After we kissed and cuddled for a while, I brought up the question that had been weighing on my mind. "So, what happens to us after tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow, we have one more fuck in the morning then we go back to being your typical brother and sis
ter."
"Caitlin..."
"Thomas, give it up. Long-distance relationships are hard and an incestuous long-distance relationship has no chance."
"You could fly up to see me..."
"I'm in the hole on vacation days and I don't have the money for plane tickets."
"I could fly down to see you..."
"Yeah, then stay at my apartment with one bed rather than staying with Mom and Dad. That wouldn't look suspicious," she said sarcastically. "And don't ask me to try to sneak into your bedroom at Mom and Dad's. If they knew we were fucking, they would have a heart attack. And if any of their friends suspected we were fucking, they would shrivel up and die."
"You could quit your job, move in with me while you look for a job in Boston, then we could live together to save rent."
"I can't quit my job right now. I have bills I have to pay every month and I'm barely able to pay them as is. It would look bad on my resume to quit my first job after less than a year. I would love to move to Boston, but not now. Maybe in a year I could, but by then you'll have a new girlfriend and I'll have a new boyfriend." I sighed. I knew she was just being practical as always, but it hurt. "Thomas, I have had a great time with you. You turned a costly disaster into something wonderful. I feel super close to you now. I got over Jacob in record time. You're hopefully over Rebecca. It's time for us to go back to our real lives and find someone new."
I sighed again. "I'm not over Rebecca yet. I'm going to see her regularly at work. Every time, I'll think about what would have been if I hadn't gone on this stupid cruise. You were never that serious about Jacob while I thought Rebecca was the one."
Caitlin looked up at me and stroked my face with her hand, soothing me. "I'm sorry, Thomas. It saddens me that you're hurting, but trying to hold onto me isn't the answer."
Caitlin went back to snuggling on me and I held her close. She was right and I knew she was right. I was sad - terribly sad - and tears started to flow.
Stop that!
Yes, I would be starting over tomorrow, but I would be starting over in a much better place then before Rebecca. I had many more friends and closer friendships. Caitlin and I loved each more deeply and I knew that Caitlin would do anything to help me. I had learned so much from Rebecca and Caitlin.
When Rebecca dumped me, I hadn't failed. I had succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. I had just not succeeded enough. The foreseeable future would suck, but I could already see some other opportunities and I knew now much better how to succeed. I thought about the women who had expressed some interest in me. The sadness lifted and I felt a tiny bit cheerful as I drifted off to sleep.
Thud! Thud! Thud! Someone was knocking on our door.
"Who is it?" I called out.
"Rebecca."
"Go away, Rebecca." What the hell was she doing, bothering us?
"Thomas, I need to talk with you. Please let me in."
"We're asleep, Rebecca. Talk to me in the morning."
I closed my eyes to go back to sleep.
Bam! Bam! Bam! Rebecca was pounding now. "Thomas, I need to talk to you now. Please."
"Tell her drop dead," Caitlin whispered to me.
"I can't be that rude to her," I whispered back. "I have to work with her still. I'll go talk to her. Put on your night shirt."
"Keep her by the door. The bed smells of sex."
"Just a sec, Rebecca." I got out of bed, pulled on my shorts and a T-shirt. I went to door and cracked it open. I didn't take the chain off.
"Let me in, Thomas. Please. It's important." She looked like hell. Her eyes were swollen, probably from crying.
"Can't you tell me whatever you have to say here?"
"No, Thomas. It's not something I want to discuss in the hallway."
I didn't want Rebecca in the cabin, but I didn't see what else I could do short of slamming the door in her face. I closed the door, undid the chain and let her in. I tried to keep her next to the door, but when she started to slip by me my only choices were to let her go or to body check her against the wall. I closed and locked the door and when I turned, she was sitting on the edge of the bed signaling me to join her. Exactly where I don't want her to be. I walked towards her and once I got close, she jumped up, grabbed my hands and guided me to sit next to her.
"I've broken up with Jacob. Getting back together with him was a terrible mistake. I had thought that I was meant to be with him, but it's you that's right for me. Thomas, will you please give me another chance?"
I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. At the start of the cruise, I had been in love with Rebecca and she had rejected me. I fell in love with Caitlin and she rejected me. Now Rebecca was back, saying that she was in love with me. I was suffering from emotional whiplash.
As I sat there dumbfounded, I saw Rebecca sniff the air. It took her a few seconds to process what the smell was. "Oh my God! You've had sex!"
Up to this point, Caitlin had been lying along the edge of the bed away from us. After Rebecca spoke, she sat up. "Yes, we've had sex. After you and Jacob crapped all over us and ruined our vacation, Thomas and I decided to try to have as much fun as we could. We went drinking and dancing, then one thing lead to another." She moved closer to Rebecca. "But that's of no consequence to you. I can't believe that after you hurt Thomas so badly, you would waltz in here on the last night and try to make up with him. What the fuck were you thinking?"
Rebecca eyes dropped. "I hoped he still cared for me," she said softly.
"Why the hell should he ever trust you again?"
Rebecca continued to bow her head, then she suddenly pulled herself together, looked up at me and squeezed me hands hard. I could see tears on her face. "Thomas, please give me a second chance. I'll always be faithful to you. I made a dreadful mistake and hurt you badly. I'll do anything to make it up to you. I was so stupid. I didn't appreciate you and I threw away a great thing. Please, don't make the same mistake I made."
Half-formed thoughts flitted in and out of my brain. Did I still care for Rebecca? I knew I wasn't over her - I had just told Caitlin that. Did I still want her? Could I ever trust her again?
"Rebecca," said Caitlin, "why the hell should he trust you again? Answer the question."
"I've always been honest with Thomas." Rebecca continued facing me while she talked with Caitlin. She shook her head. "That's not quite true. I've always been as honest with Thomas as I've been with myself. Thomas, I've loved you for months. I was a fool to not accept it."
"You have a funny way of showing it," said Caitlin. "Do you always dump guys that you are in love with?"
"No. What I did was stupid. It's complicated and you aren't going to understand, but I had asked God for a miracle to help me with all the guilt I was feeling and when I saw Jacob, I thought he was that miracle. But it was a mistake; an awful, terrible mistake that I am going to regret the rest of my life. Please Thomas, let me have a second chance. Let me make it up to you."
I couldn't organize my thoughts, so Caitlin spoke first. "What happens the next time some good-looking devout Christian walks into your life? Are you going to dump Thomas again?"
Rebecca shook her head. "Saint Paul wrote that love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It doesn't dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it isn't easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I had thought that I had to love a devout Christian to have that type of love. Now I know that you get that type of love by loving the person who is right for you. Thomas is right for me and I had that type of love, but I stupidly threw it away."
"Look sister, you two had lots of problems before you decided to dump Thomas. With your escapades on this cruise, Thomas is better off walking away and finding someone without so many issues."
"I know we had issues. Thomas, if you'll take me back, I'll do better. I promise."
"Thomas wants you to live w
ith him. Are you willing to do that?"
A pained look came over Rebecca's face. "My parents..."
"If your parents are more important than Thomas, then get the fuck out of here and don't come back."
Rebecca started to say something, but Caitlin interrupted her. "Do you love Thomas?"
"Yes. Yes, I do."
"I don't believe you," said Caitlin dismissively. "And you're going to have to go through me to get to him. What were you going to do tonight to show him that you love him?"
Rebecca looked uncertain. "I...I was going to beg Thomas to take me back. I was going to tell him why I went off with Jacob, that it was stupid of me. I had loved Thomas but screwed everything up."
"He doesn't want to hear a fucking sob story!"
Rebecca buried her head in hands and cried. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and comfort her.
"You need to show him that you love him." Caitlin's tone was harsh. She sounded like she was speaking to a misbehaving child. "Not tell." Pause. "Not imply." Pause. "We're talking actions", pause, "and decisions."
Rebecca was hunched over crying, offering no defense to Caitlin's onslaught.
"Rebecca, it's time for you to take some big steps. Look at Thomas and tell him something that shows - not tells - shows him that you love him."
Rebecca raised her head and looked me in the face. Her eyes were huge. Her cheeks were covered with tears. "Thomas, I love you. And I want to live with you."
"When?" asked Caitlin before I could respond.
Rebecca turned to Caitlin somewhat stunned. She was unsteady like a boxer who had been pummeled too much. "When?"
"Yes, when!" hissed Caitlin. I could hear the fury rising in her voice. "Tomorrow? Next week? A year from now? When do you want to start living with Thomas?"
Rebecca moved woozily. "Next weekend. I'll move in next weekend." She looked back at me as her voice gained strength. "I'll turn in my keys early. Then we'll look for a bit bigger place to live together."
