“Germany? What the hell are you going to Germany for?”
“To see Ellen.”
“Seriously?”
“I need more time, Jenna.”
“Are you seeing Joe? If you don’t tell me, Kari, I’ll go talk to Noah …”
“You haven’t spoken to him already?”
She gives a heavy sigh. “To be honest, we barely see him. He’s working all the hours God sends, he doesn’t come to see us anymore, he ignores our calls …”
“Is he okay?”
“I don’t know. Like I said, we barely see him. We had to book a table at the restaurant the other night just to make sure he was still alive … He looked fine, all right? Tired, but fine. Look, Kari, why don’t you just come home? Why don’t you and Noah just try and work this out, before it’s too late?”
It might already be too late.
“You don’t know the full story, Jen.”
“Then tell me!”
“I can’t.”
“You don’t want to.”
“No. I don’t. Because the more people who are involved, the more complicated it becomes. I’m trying to fix it, okay? I’m trying.”
She lets a few beats go by before she speaks again. “Do you know how crazy you’re acting right now?”
Yes. I know.
“I’m trying to fix it, Jenna.”
She lets out another heavy sigh, and I know how frustrated she must be feeling. I’d have lost patience with me a long time ago. “Say hi to Ellen for me, all right?”
“I will.”
“Call me when you get there … Hang on, Kari. Before you go. This has got everything to do with Joe, right?”
I pause. I close my eyes, and I remember last night. “Not anymore.”
I’ve no sooner hung up than there’s a knock at the door, and I look out of the window to see who it is. I’m not expecting anybody, but maybe I should’ve been. It’s Joe. And as much as I don’t want to let him in, I have a feeling he won’t go away if I just ignore him. Even if he thinks I’m out, he’ll wait, he’ll hang around. It’s easier to just get it over with.
“I’m not letting you go,” he says, before I’ve even fully opened the door.
I stand aside to let him in, I don’t say anything.
“Did you hear what I said, Kari?”
“I heard. But you don’t have a choice here, Joe.”
“There’s always a choice, remember?”
We look at each other, and he’s right. There is always a choice, and I’ve made mine.
“Is this going to take long? Only, I’ve got a flight to book.”
“I’m not letting you get on that plane, I’m not letting you go.”
“This is over, Joe. Whatever the hell it was, it’s over. We’re done. I can’t risk being around you anymore.”
I turn and walk away from him, back into the kitchen, but he grabs my wrist, he stops me from moving any further, but I don’t turn around. I keep my back to him. He keeps hold of my wrist.
“Remember last night,” he murmurs, his lips grazing the back of my neck as he speaks, his fingers gripping my wrist that little bit tighter. “Remember how it made you feel.”
I wrench my arm free and continue to walk away from him, even though I know he’ll follow me.
“You’re running away, Kari.”
I spin around, I look at him, and this time I’m raising that barrier. I’m building those defences. “You keep saying that, keep accusing me of that, but don’t you see, Joe? Some things need to be left behind. And I’m not running away, I’m saving myself. Saving you …”
“From what?”
“From me. Because I’m a mess.”
He comes closer, and I don’t stop him. “Because of me. I did this to you …”
“I did it to myself. We all fucked up. All of us.”
“Some of us more than others.”
I narrow my eyes, I’m a little confused, because his expression … there was something there, something I can’t explain.
“I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I should have gone home with Noah, ignored him when he told me to go to you, it was a stupid, crazy idea …”
“Maybe he had his reasons.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He doesn’t answer that, he just looks at me, his eyes burning deep into mine. “I don’t want you to go.”
I shake my head, crossing my arms against myself, I’m keeping that barrier there. “Again, it doesn’t matter what you want.”
“I care about you.”
“You don’t. You just think you do, it isn’t real, Joe.”
“You think none of this shit is real? It’s all real, Kari. Every messed up fucking bit of it is real.”
I frown, backing up against the counter, there’s a darkness in his eyes that’s scaring me now.
“Do you know what he did? Your husband? Do you know what he did?”
I don’t respond to that, because he knows I know, what Noah did. He knows. Why is he acting like this?
“I need you to leave, Joe. Please.”
“And I need you to stay.”
“I can’t be with you, we can’t be together, because this isn’t real.”
“But Noah’s betrayal is. You really think he deserves a second chance, huh?”
“I never said I was giving him another chance. I don’t know what I’m doing yet, I just need some time to myself, to get this shit into perspective, without you or Noah or Jenna snapping at my heels, asking me questions. Forcing me into corners.”
He backs up against the wall, raises his eyes to the ceiling, and the sigh he lets out is heavy with frustration.
“It’s a crazy situation that got out of hand, Joe. And I need to get it back under control. There’s a chance I might’ve lost my husband, but I don’t want to lose myself. Do you understand?”
He lowers his head, and he nods, dragging a hand back through his hair. “Yeah. Yeah, I get it.”
“Good.”
“You really think this – us – you really think we’re over?”
“I don’t think we ever really begun, do you?”
His eyes lock on mine, and once again I feel that familiar shiver run up my spine. “I think we begun the very first second I touched you, Kari. When your husband watched, and you gave yourself to me in the most beautiful way possible. We begun, that night. And I’m not ready for it to end. Because I’m not scared. Not anymore.”
I’m still scared, I’m terrified. I don’t want to want him like I do, because it feels like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Every kiss he gives me is like a punch to the gut, every touch of his fingers burns my skin, and when he fucks me, he takes me to a place I never want to leave. But those feelings, they aren’t real. They can’t be real, nothing that good; that overwhelming, it can’t be real. Those feelings; that place he takes me to, they don’t exist. They can’t.
“Then you’re lucky.”
“You’re running away.”
“I know. But sometimes it’s the right thing to do.”
“You believe that?”
“I believe it.”
He comes over, rests his palm against my cheek, tilting my head back until I’m looking up at him. I want him with every fibre of my being, every cell in my body aches for him. I’m exhausted trying to pretend I can handle this when I can’t. That’s why I’m running away.
“This started out wrong, Kari. All the sick, twisted motives, all the lies, the hidden secrets. The betrayal … it was all wrong. And you didn’t deserve any of the shit you got, but I want you to know that out of all of that … Baby, I am to blame for so much, you have no idea, and if I could change what happened …” He drops his gaze but keeps his hand against my cheek, pressing that little bit harder, and I just want to hold him. I want to pull him to me and never let him go, I want him to take me to that place that isn’t real, and I want us to stay there. “When I tell you I love you, Kari, that isn’t a lie.”
His eyes once more meet mine, but it changes nothing. And he knows that.
“You’re still leaving, aren’t you?”
“I have to,” I whisper, gently pulling his hand away. “We can’t do this, Joe. It would never work.”
He takes a step back, he’s letting me go.
“You’re making a mistake, Kari. We could be happy. We could be so fucking happy.”
“This isn’t real. You aren’t real …”
“I’m more real than you’ll ever know.”
I want to look away from him, but I can’t. I want to ask him what he means by that, but I don’t. Because it’s over, whatever it was. It’s done.
“Take care of yourself, Kari, you hear me?”
He finally breaks the stare, and I watch him turn around and walk to the door; I watch him leave without looking back. And for one, fleeting second I wonder if he’s right. Am I making a mistake? Could we be happy? But the moment I hear the front door close, I know I’ve made the right decision.
Joe Millar was nothing more than a beautiful, mind-blowing interlude.
Something that should never happened, but he did. And now I need to forget him. I have no other choice.
No.
There’s always a choice.
Remember …?
*
What I’d thought I wanted, it wasn’t – isn’t – enough.
Because the game changed.
She became my need not my target.
My obsession.
I have a new goal now. At this moment in time, she might think she can’t have me in her life, that being away from me is her safest option, but that won’t last. I’m under her skin, so deep she can’t ignore it. When she closes her eyes, she’s going to see me. Feel me. She’ll wake up every morning and wish I was there. She’ll dream of those times we had hot, crazy sex and she’ll want them again, so much she won’t be able to take the pain. This isn’t over.
She’ll want me, again, but that’s okay. I’ll be waiting …
Twenty-Five
“Kari? You gonna get that phone?”
“Hmm? Oh, Jesus, sorry …” I give my head a little shake and quickly try to refocus, I’d been miles away. I’ve been miles away ever since I returned from Germany a few days ago. That time away really wasn’t long enough to allow me to get everything figured out, but I think I made a start.
I take a deep breath and answer the phone. I flick that switch and move into business mode, I’m home now. I’m back to reality, back to work; back to a life that’s different now, one I never expected to be living, but at least it’s one I understand. One I can deal with, eventually.
I take down details from a potential new client, arrange a meeting, but as soon as the call ends I slump back in my chair and close my eyes.
“You okay?” Jenna asks, her tone one of someone who’s trying to understand an impossible situation that very few people could ever get their heads around. I still struggle at times.
“No, Jen, I’m not. But I’m getting there.” I look at her, and I smile. “I’ll be fine, all right? It’s just going to take a bit more time.”
She returns my smile, this is just as hard for her as it is for me. Both Noah and I are her and Leo’s best friends. And now it feels as though they’re being forced to take sides, and that isn’t fair. I don’t want that. I don’t know what I want, if I’m being honest. Not yet.
“Are you still coming to mine tonight? We’ll order Indian food, drink beer; scour Netflix for a new box set to obsess over. Leo’s going out, so, it’ll just be me and you.”
I drop my gaze, look down at the now-naked third finger on my left hand. My wedding ring is safely stored away, out of sight, and I have no idea if I’ll ever put it back on. I can’t think past the end of today, never mind give the future any kind of thought. “I don’t know. I’m not very good company right now.”
“You shouldn’t be on your own.”
“I’m not suicidal, Jen. I don’t need babysitting.”
“I know. I’m just trying to cheer you up, that’s all.”
I throw her another smile. “And I’m really grateful, okay? That I’ve got a friend as patient and caring as you, because the crap I’ve put people through these past few weeks …” I trail off and stare back down at the desk.
“Has Joe tried to contact you?”
I shake my head. “No. I changed my number, remember? I had to.” I look at Jenna, and she knows, how much of a mess things really are. “The temptation was always going to be there, it was the only way.”
“Do you still think about him?”
“All the time. And it hurts, it all fucking hurts, Jen. Because he’s always there. I close my eyes and I see him, I hear his voice, and all the time – all the time I wish he was here. I wish I was with him, and I shouldn’t feel that way. I shouldn’t, but … I do.”
She briefly drops her gaze, and the way she flips her pen between her fingers, that’s a nervous reaction, I know her too well. “He still loves you, Kari. Noah, I mean.”
I don’t respond to that. Just hearing his name rips my heart in two, what’s left of it.
“Maybe you should – you should talk to him. Properly. Maybe you can still save this. What he did – what you both did …”
“I don’t want to talk about it, okay? Not here.” Not ever. “I’d better go. I’ve got a meeting down on the Quayside.” I start to gather my things together, throwing my phone into my bag and grabbing my car keys. “I’ll be back around three.”
“Kari …?”
But I’m out of the door before she can say anything else. She keeps trying to get me to talk, but I don’t want to. I don’t need to. What I need to do is move on, but it’s hard, when everything I’ve known is here. Everything I love, is here.
And everything I want, isn’t …
Throwing my bag onto the passenger seat of the car I take a second to breathe. A second to let the now-familiar tightness in my chest subside. This new normal I’m having to get used to is killing me, but it’ll get better. That’s what I keep telling myself, maybe one day I’ll start to believe it.
“Kari?”
I hear his voice, but I don’t turn around. My fingers clutch the door frame and my eyes remain closed, and I know that I should listen to him. I just don’t know if I want to.
“Shouldn’t you be at the restaurant?”
“I needed to see you.”
I turn around, slowly, but I find it so hard to look at him now.
Because of the guilt?
Because I’m scared of what I’ll see?
“You came home, Kari. You came back to me.”
I finally face him, and I know what he said – I know what he told me to do, but it didn’t work out the way we’d hoped it might. That stupid, crazy plan only served to make things worse, it fixed nothing.
“I came home, Noah. I didn’t come back to you.”
He drops his head, slides his hands into his pockets. “I know – I know that what I told you to do …” He looks up, and when his eyes meet mine I just feel empty. And sad. So very, very sad. “I regretted it, the second I said it. I wanted to stop you, pull you back, stop you from even thinking about it. It was stupid and wrong and – and I don’t know why I did it …”
“Yes. You do. You know why you did it. But I should’ve ignored you. I should’ve made you realise how ridiculous it was, how something so reckless could never work but instead I played along. Because I felt something for him, Noah.”
He shakes his head, and the look on his face tears me apart, but it’s too late. “Don’t say that, Kari.”
“I felt something. But whatever it was, it wasn’t real. It wasn’t enough, and I should never have let it get as far as it did …”
“Did you sleep with him?”
“It’s what you wanted me to do. You wanted me to sleep with him. Fuck him out of your system, that’s what you said …”
“And did you? Fuck him out of your system?”
“Don’t do this, Noah. Please.”
He bows his head, his shoulders sagging, and again I feel my heart shatter into a thousand pieces, it hurts.
“We need to talk, Kari. We need to sit down, and we need to talk, because I need to know …”
“No, you don’t. You don’t.”
“All I’ve done, since I got back here; since I left Norway, was imagine you and him together. Because I know what that looks like. When he touches you, I know what that looks like. I’ve seen it, it’s there, ingrained in my memory, I can’t erase it, Kari. I can’t unsee that, and it kills me.”
“I didn’t start this.”
But that’s no excuse. When it comes down to it, we’re all to blame. All of us.
He looks at me, and my already shattered heart hurts that little bit more as I remember who we used to be. And then realise the people we’ve become.
“I wasn’t enough for you, Noah.”
“I love you, Kari. I never stopped loving you …”
“Just words, that’s all they are.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“I think you already have.”
“Kari, baby, please …”
I step back from him, I don’t want him to touch me. “I need to be somewhere.”
“We can’t leave it like this.”
I drag both hands through my hair, throw my head back and sigh. “It’s over, Noah.”
“Just like that?”
I look at him. Do I really mean that? It’s over? Just like that …?
“I don’t think we can come back from this,” I whisper, and when he takes my hand I let him. When he pulls me into his arms I hold onto him, but that moment lasts no longer than a heartbeat before I push him away. “I’m going to be late.”
“I still love you, Kari.”
“But for a moment, you stopped.”
“I didn’t. Baby, I didn’t.”
He might be telling me the truth, I don’t know. I still love him, but I stopped, too. Just for a moment.
So, yeah, maybe we both do still love each other. Maybe there is still something there. I’m just not sure it’s enough anymore.
*
Wicked Game Page 20
