“He thinks – look, everything that’s happened … Noah’s convinced there’s more to it than Joe’s told you.”
“And he’s felt it necessary to come all this way just to tell me that, huh? It’s none of his business, Jen. Not anymore.”
“He still cares about you, Kari.”
“So you keep saying, and I get that, I do, and I appreciate the fact he still does that, but all he’s doing is holding himself back, dwelling on shit he can’t control. Can’t change. Because I am fine.”
“I really didn’t come here to upset you or come between you guys, it’s just that Noah he – he seems hell bent on getting to the truth about Joe …”
“What truth about Joe? There’s nothing to find out, Jen.”
That night, it had to happen …
Why …?
It had to happen …
“Look, I’ll be the first to admit that, when I saw Joe again, at Stavanger airport, I wanted to run. I didn’t want to go back there, and if I hadn’t been pregnant …” I drop my head, and I take a deep breath. “I’m not with him because of Hollie.” I look back up at Jenna. “Not just because of Hollie. When we moved over here, I didn’t love him, not really. I wasn’t in love with him. That didn’t happen until Hollie was born, and that day, it was probably the most magical day of my life. Bringing her into the world with Joe right there beside me … I fell in love with him that day, and now I can’t think of being without him. Whereas once the thought of being near him scared me, now it’s the thought of him not being here that terrifies me. Jenna, you know how I felt about him. How he was always there, invading my head, making me want him …”
“That’s what Noah’s concerned about, Kari. He thinks Joe is a controlling man, a man with an ability to manipulate, I mean, come on! Look at the lengths he went to just to get to you.”
I look out over the ocean, breathing in Hollie’s baby smell along with the sea air. I’m trying not to lose my shit, but it’s becoming harder. “That’s something Noah should know all about, isn’t it? Manipulation.” I turn back around. “You seem to have had quite the conversation with my ex-husband.”
“We care about you, Kari, that’s all.”
“I know. And I appreciate that, but you need to know that I can look after myself. I’m okay. I’m happy. Look around you, Jenna, why wouldn’t I be okay? Look where I am. I have this incredible home, a baby I adore; a man I love. Because I do love Joe. Now.”
“You pushed him away for so long.”
“And I was just wasting my energy. Because this was always going to happen.”
She gets up, grabs her jacket and bag and comes over to me. “We didn’t come here to hurt you, or upset you, you need to believe that, but, you should talk to him. To Noah. Just a few minutes, that’s all he wants.”
“To try and talk me round? To make me see sense? To force me to believe that whatever he thinks about Joe Millar is the gospel truth? Whatever Joe was back then, Jenna, he isn’t that same man now.”
She leans over to gently kiss the top of Hollie’s head. “He’s still the same man, Kari.”
I watch her go, and I sit down, hugging Hollie close to me. People are still lying to me. Still keeping secrets from me. And then I hear a noise from inside and I look back into the house. Joe’s home. He’s talking into his phone as he strides through the living room, and when he catches sight of me out on the terrace his face breaks into a huge smile.
“Hey, beautiful.” He comes over to me, slides an arm around my waist and leans in to kiss me first before kissing Hollie’s cheek. “Hey there, pumpkin.”
“You’re home early.”
“Not stopping, unfortunately. I just popped in to pick up some papers from my office, I need them for a meeting this afternoon. I thought Jenna was here?”
“She was.”
He frowns. “Something happen?”
“No. No, she just wanted to go do some tourist stuff, that’s all.”
“And you didn’t want to go with her?”
“Hollie’s tired. And so am I, if I’m being honest. She didn’t sleep much last night, and neither did I. We could both do with a quiet afternoon.”
“All right … You sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine.” I smile at him to reassure him, I don’t want him to know Noah’s here. I don’t want him to know why Noah’s here. Why Jenna’s here.
“Do you want me to make you some lunch?” I ask, quickly changing the subject. “There’s plenty left in the kitchen.”
He leans in for another kiss, and I hold onto him, because I just need to do that right now. I need to hold him. “Can’t stop, kiddo. Got a meeting in an hour and a conference call at three. But, I’m definitely going to be home for dinner.”
“Good. Just the three of us tonight, huh?”
“Just the three of us.” He smiles again; kisses me one more time, and I wish he wasn’t going anywhere. I wish he could stay here with us, wish I could wrap that bubble back around our little family and block out everything that’s threatening to hurt us.
“Love you.” He smiles at me, and I reluctantly let him go.
“Love you too.”
He backs off towards the open doors, throwing me a wink and another wide smile. “See you tonight.”
Joe Millar.
A man who still has secrets?
Maybe.
And maybe they’re secrets I don’t need to know …
Thirty
“You could’ve asked Jenna to join us, if you’d wanted to,” Joe says as he joins me in the kitchen. “I mean, she’s here on her own …” He pours himself a glass of wine and leans back against the counter.
“I called her earlier. She’s got a bit of a headache, so, she’s having a quiet night in the hotel. I think the travelling and the sightseeing might have finally caught up with her.”
“Okay, well, I’m good with it being just us.”
“So am I.” I go over to him, take the glass from his hand and pull him against me, kissing him deep and slow. “I’m a lucky girl. Getting you all to myself twice in less than a week.”
He smiles and pushes me back against the counter, untying my wrap-over dress, letting it fall open. I’m naked underneath, because I knew just where this night was going. I know exactly what I want from this man. What I need from him, constantly. And he gets that.
“Tell me how you want it,” he murmurs, his mouth touching mine as he speaks, and I bite down gently on his lower lip.
“Hard,” I breathe, pushing his shirt back off his shoulders, he’s all I want to think about tonight. Not Jenna, not Noah, just him. I want him to fill my head, my heart; my body with his, I want all of him. And I’m praying Hollie stays asleep long enough to let me have that.
He swings me around, bends me over the counter, thrusting a hand between my legs, and memories of that wild, crazy sex we used to have come flooding back.
The kind of sex we used to have when I hated him but wanted him like a junkie needs their drug fix.
Sex that dragged me under; made me need him, crave him, until he was all I could think about.
I grip the counter edge, breathing in deep as I wait, and when he pushes inside me with a force that rocks me forward so hard my hip bone crashes against the marble, I cry out, and then bite down on my lip to stop myself from making too much noise.
His thrusts are harsh. Frequent. He’s filling me with a beautiful pain, I need to feel his hands all over me; I want to come in his arms as he explodes inside of me. And when that happens, it’s an almost cathartic experience, in that moment I’m letting everything go, all the doubt and the fear Noah and Jenna have forced me to feel, it floods out of me. I’m setting it free, because I love this man. I love him. Now.
He pulls me up and I fall back against him, closing my eyes as he touches me. As his hands cover my breasts, his lips on my neck; as our breathing slows down, but I’m not done yet.
I reach behind me, wind my fingers in his hair, turning my
head slightly to catch a kiss, and he knows, I’m not done yet.
I drop my hand and take his. I lead him to the couch in the corner of our kitchen, push him down onto it, discarding my dress before I straddle him. He sits up and holds onto my hips as I raise them slightly, lowering myself back down onto him, moaning quietly as I feel him back inside me. And it starts off slow, every movement measured, I just want a minute to feel him there. But the pace soon quickens, the fire in my belly is lit again, there’s still some frustration I need to vent, and his fingers dig into my thighs as I grind down harder against him; as I scratch his skin, take it all out on him when he doesn’t deserve that, but he knows this is just a game. Sex like this makes us remember who we are. What we need to do, who we need to be sometimes, to vent frustration and fear; rid ourselves of negative shit we should talk about, but that can’t always happen. So we do this, because we need to. Sometimes.
I wrap my legs around him as I feel that white-hot rush begin once more, racing up my spine, flooding my veins until I collapse in his arms, and he holds me tight. He kisses me, tells me he loves me, I tell him I love him too, because I do. And I’m terrified that something’s going to happen to change that. To damage us.
I slide an arm around his neck, rest my head against his as we try to catch our breath, and for a moment the peace and the calm is all consuming. It’s perfect. Beautiful. This moment is ours, and I close my eyes and breathe him in. I feel almost fragile in his arms, and yet, stronger because I’m with him.
“You okay?” he whispers, his fingers lightly stroking my back.
I nod, keeping my legs wrapped around him, I don’t want to leave his arms, not yet. I’m not ready.
“You sure?”
I look at him, and I smile. I run my fingers over his rough jaw line and I kiss his slightly open mouth. “I’m sure.”
He smiles too, his hand pressing lightly against the base of my spine. “Just marry me, Kari.”
There’s a part of me that wants to scream out yes, okay, I’ll marry you! But I don’t want this to be a knee-jerk reaction, and given what’s happening right now, I’m almost certain that me agreeing to marry him, at this very moment in time, that’s exactly what it would be. When I say yes to him I want it to be real and special and not just because I’m feeling slightly vulnerable. Afraid. Yeah, I’m scared.
“One day, okay? One day, I’ll marry you. I promise.”
He knows he can’t force me, and I know he won’t stop asking me, despite everything I do to deter him from doing that. But I mean it. One day I will marry him. Joe Millar is going to be my happy-ever-after, I will love him ‘til the day I die.
I thought I was going to love Noah, ‘til the day I died …
His phone ringing interrupts the moment, and he throws his head back and sighs heavily. “Forget it. Whoever it is, they can wait.”
“No, you should get that.” I smile, because I know he wants to, really. Things are moving fast with the Century City set-up and he doesn’t like missing anything that’s going on when he isn’t there.
Because he’s a control freak?
So was Noah …
“You sure?”
“Answer the phone, Joe.”
I climb off him and grab my dress from the floor, tying it back around myself as I hear Hollie through one of the various baby monitors we’ve got scattered around the house. She’s only gurgling away to herself, but I go upstairs to check on her anyway.
“Hey, gorgeous girl.” I reach into her crib and scoop her up in my arms. She’s warm, and she smells of baby shampoo, and I gently stroke her dark hair as she snuggles against me. “Shall we go see what Daddy’s doing, hmm?”
Joe’s in the kitchen, talking into his phone, and for a second I stay where I am, at the bottom of the stairs, and I watch him. He looks agitated, rubbing the back of his neck continuously as he speaks; as he leans back against the island in the centre of the room.
“Everything okay?” I ask, and his head shoots up. He mutters something into his phone that I don’t catch before he abruptly ends the call.
“Everything’s fine. I just need to pop out for a little while.”
I go over to him. Whatever that phone call was about, it’s changed his mood. He seems tense now, his body language still a little agitated.
“You sure everything’s okay?”
“I said everything’s fine, Kari!” He closes his eyes and drops his head, rubbing the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “Baby, I’m sorry. It’s just a problem at work, that’s all.” He slips an arm around my waist and pulls me close, kissing Hollie’s forehead first before he kisses me. “Something I need to sort out. I won’t be long, I promise.”
I understand. What he does, it isn’t nine-to-five. Things like this happen. “Okay.” I smile, although that brief flash of agitation there has unsettled me slightly. It’s a trait he seems to be showing more and more these days, something I really don’t feel comfortable with, but if he’s stressed; if there are problems at work, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. But this is why he can’t ever find out about Noah. The reason why Noah and Jenna are here, in L.A., he can’t know that.
I kiss him back and I step out of his arms, I watch him as he pulls his shirt back on and drags his hands through his hair. And then he turns to look at me, and his expression is calmer. His eyes are almost sad, and I feel a knot in my stomach the kind of which I haven’t felt in a while. Not since Noah called me …
“I love you, Kari. You believe that, don’t you?”
“Of course I do, and I love you too. Joe, are you sure everything’s okay?”
He cups my cheek and leans in to kiss me again. A kiss that calms me. That knot in my stomach is slowly unravelling.
“Everything’s fine.” He smiles, and I hug Hollie closer to me as he grabs his car keys and heads for the door. “I’ll be back soon.”
I watch him go, and then I walk out onto the terrace, sit down by the fire pit, tucking my legs up underneath myself as I cradle a now sleeping Hollie in my arms.
Noah’s here, in California, and I’m choosing to ignore that. Because I hope he’ll get bored and just go away? If I ignore him for long enough he’ll disappear, is that it?
Even I’m not that naïve …
*
She knows he’s here, and she’s choosing to keep that from me. But I didn’t need her to tell me, I already knew. Jenna didn’t come here alone, they came together, I knew that, too. They came with an ulterior motive, this isn’t a social visit. I know what he’s come here to do, but it isn’t going to work. I’m going to fix this, for good this time.
I’m going to tell Kari the truth, and I should’ve been honest with her from the start, not let it get this far because I could’ve put everything in jeopardy now. I don’t know how she’ll react, when she finds out, but at least she’ll find out from me, not him, because he’ll want to tell her. He’ll want to be the one to make me look like the bad guy, but I’m not playing that role. Not anymore. He fucked up, so did I, but I’m the one who’s going to come out on top.
His actions had consequences.
Mine will have, too.
But I can fix this. I’m going to fix this, whatever it takes …
Knocking on the door, I wait. He answers it almost immediately, but it’s clear from his expression that he wasn’t expecting to see me, here.
“Joe …?”
“Welcome to California, Noah.”
Thirty-One
Noah
It was an affair. A stupid, pointless, selfish mistake that I regret with every fibre of my being. And every day since Kari left me, I’ve wondered if telling her sooner could’ve saved us. Would she have been more forgiving if I’d just been honest from the start? Who knows? If I hadn’t brought Joe Millar into our lives, would things have been different? Joe changed everything. He was the worst mistake of all. He ended any chance I had of ever saving anything.
I knew she was married, this wo
man I thoughtlessly slept with, once. Twice. Maybe three, four times, I can’t remember. It wasn’t just once, though, despite what I told Kari, I was just desperate to lessen the pain I knew she’d feel, when she found out. If she thought it had only been once, maybe she’d have been more open to keeping our marriage intact. I know now that was never going to happen. Because of Joe.
I knew she was married, she knew I was married, but that’s all we really knew about each other. We didn’t ask questions, we didn’t want to, didn’t need to. We both knew the score. And there are no excuses I can make. No explanation that will make me out as anything other than a weak-willed man who was swayed by a beautiful face, and I can’t even remember who made the first move. I don’t know if it was me, or her, I just remember her telling me that she and her husband were having problems. Isn’t that supposed to be my line? The line all men like me use to garner a woman’s sympathy?
My wife doesn’t understand me.
Our marriage is stale.
Neither of those things applied to me and Kari. She always understood me. Our marriage was anything but stale.
Was this woman – Jesus, I can’t even remember her name … was she telling me the truth when she told me she and her husband were drifting apart? That he had other things – other distractions – he put before her? I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to get too close, it was never meant to be anything other than fun. It wasn’t meant to end my marriage, I couldn’t have cared less what it did to hers, that wasn’t my concern. She meant nothing to me, and as clichéd as that sounds, it was true; is true.
“Kari tell you I was here?”
I stand aside to let him in. Joe Millar. The man who killed my marriage. A man I don’t trust, I don’t think Kari should, either, and that’s why I’m here. Because I still love my ex-wife, I still care what happens to her. I still want her back, but I’m not stupid. I know I’ve lost her, but that doesn’t mean I stop caring, I don’t. I’m not sure I ever will.
Wicked Game Page 26
