Ethan sat unmoving, my arms tight around him. I knew in that moment that all he needed was someone to fully and finally be there. Someone to tell him that everything wasn’t his fault. Someone to tell him that, wherever his little girl was, she was okay.
CHAPTER 25
“Step right up. Step right up and win a prize! A dollar gets you three balls.”
“I bet you have three balls,” Thorton shot back, half under her breath, as we passed yet another carnival worker. Bailey had really pulled out all the stops for the fall festival.
The last weekend of October had finally arrived. A local organization created handmade decorations. Bailey even hired carnies from God knows where. Their creepy stares followed us as we walked by, and something told me she got them at a discounted price.
I followed Thorton, Alyssa, and Noah to the baked goods area. I was fully back in their good graces, and I intended to stay there. Together we would take down Matt’s project. I knew Matt’s group and their stupid camera were around somewhere. We decided to arbitrarily avoid them this evening. They didn’t need any more ammo for their video from us as we tried to enjoy a normal night out together, a night as friends and not as freaks.
Which is why, when I saw Matt’s head pop up from behind one of the vendor booths, I grabbed Alyssa and pulled her the opposite way. The others followed.
“Oh, good call.” She let out a low whistle. “They let his dumb uncle set up some booth to sell his dodgy five-dollar Hollywood remakes.”
“Oh, my God. Do you remember when Matt had that role in a dog treat commercial in the third grade?” Thorton wrinkled her nose up. “He literally ate the food to show it was safe for human consumption.”
“Shoulda got that on camera,” I chimed in.
“It was the third grade, Abigail.” Noah had shaken his head disapprovingly at me. “Old news.”
“Abigail, over here!” Bailey was a few tables down and had spotted us. Her cheeks were painted a rosy red, and her normal immaculate bun was tucked away into a straw hat.
Thorton rolled her eyes at me as I made my way over, but they still followed me. I had somehow become their leader over the past few weeks. Maybe because I was the only one with a plan.
“Free popcorn, my dear.” Bailey handed me the bag of greasy deliciousness as she shot a look at the others, who were not dressed up. Noah reached over and grabbed a handful, to which Bailey made a tsk tsk sound. “No costume? No popcorn.”
“Fight me,” he grumbled through a mouthful of popcorn.
Bailey laughed, a warm sincere laugh. “So what are you guys up to next?”
“Ferris wheel, actually.” Alyssa put her arms around us, steering us back towards the rides. They still didn’t like Bailey, but at least they tolerated her.
I had taken a liking to Bailey, though, and I felt obligated to yell a thank you over my shoulder as we made our way towards the bright lights of the Ferris wheel.
Bailey was in a good mood, still smiling as we walked away, despite how poorly the others had treated her. That must mean the carnival was a success so far. There were a lot of people dressed up, myself included. Even if I was just wearing a white dress and a halo quickly created out of pipe cleaners. I enjoyed a little bit of irony, even if others had no idea at what I was playing at.
I don’t know how Bailey had pulled it off, but the Ferris wheel was massive. It was the glowing beacon of hope that showed everything was coming together for the senior class.
There was already quite the extensive line at the base of the carnival.
Two workers approached us and placed a barrel directly behind us. A poorly written sign which read ‘End of Feris wheel line’ was attached to it.
“Where did she find these people?” Alyssa asked, eying the misspelled word.
“No clue, but I’m going to vomit.” I thought Thorton was being sarcastic when she said that, but when I looked over, her orange hair was billowing out behind her as she ran towards the porta potties.
The other two burst into laughter as I looked from one to the other, confused.
“Oh, relax.” Noah threw his arm around me. “Ferris wheels, heights, hell, even step stools give her anxiety. I’m surprised she made it this close.”
“Next.” The line was moving quickly. It was getting later in the night, and both the temperature and the number of kids in line were dropping. I checked my phone. It was a little after 9 p.m.
I watched as yet another group went up and away in a dazzling flash of colors. The Ferris wheel didn’t look like the most stable thing out there, but their lives were probably safer in the carnies’ hands than my own. I shuddered at the thought. I also couldn’t stop the thoughts of Olivia from popping into my head. Ethan said she loved carnivals, and I couldn’t help but feel that her presence was close. Being at the harvest festival had to be incredibly hard for him.
“Earth to Abs,” Alyssa was waving her hand back and forth in front of my face like she always did when I zoned out.
“We’re up, but, uhh…” She gestured at the Ferris wheel. I followed her gaze and realized what she was getting at. Each gondola only sat two people. I’d have to sit alone.
“Thorton?” I looked around, hoping to see her jog over from the porta potties just in time to save me.
“She’s long gone.” Noah was already getting into the cart, seemingly undisturbed about the fact that one of his friends would have to ride that rickety mess alone.
Whatever. “I’ll just wait for you guys at the bottom.”
Noah gave me a wave goodbye, but Alyssa suddenly yelled out, “Stop.”
She pointed at Mr. Nash, who was standing nearby in full Batman attire. I hadn’t noticed him, but he was looking right at me.
“Mr. Nash, come here!” Alyssa unnecessarily cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled, even though he was standing a mere feet away.
It didn’t faze Ethan one bit as he made his way over. “Hi.” He nodded towards all of us. His eyes were bright under the mask.
“Do the voice! Do the voice!” Alyssa chanted until he humored us.
“You guys riding or what?” A carnival worker who barely came up to my shoulder appeared out of nowhere. “You’re holding up the line.” I turned around. Absolutely no one was behind us. His expression was flat, and I had no idea whether or not he was kidding.
“Can you ride with Abigail so she doesn’t have to be alone?” Alyssa shot Noah a look, as if to call him a jerk for abandoning me.
I had seen Ethan since the day in the cemetery. Things had more or less gone back to business, the way they were before he let me in on a very private part of his life. Nothing was awkward—rather, it was unfinished. I was waiting for him to come back to me on his terms. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to be open.
That’s why I was so surprised when he agreed to come on the Ferris wheel.
“A bit rickety?” He smiled at me as a breeze blew through the air, rocking us slightly.
I nodded, unable to focus on anything other than the fact that this was the closest he had been to me since that day. He must have sensed it, since he leaned his body out towards the crowd.
“So how’s your night?” he asked as we ascended into the night sky, climbing closer towards the stars. I told him the boring details of how I didn’t win a fish. Although, I wished I could have told him where fish went when they died. I mentioned Noah trash talking carnies, and how happy Bailey was that this was all a success. I didn’t want to just talk about high school stuff, though. I wanted to see how he was handling being in his daughter’s favorite place. I was surprised to find that he was trying and failing to suppress a smile.
“What?” I asked him.
“What?” he asked back, feigning ignorance, but the smile was more noticeable.
I said nothing, choosing to look out at the carnival, where groups of people still remained, although some of the booths were starting to shut down.
“Are you okay?” I turned my attention back to
him. The smile had left his face and was replaced with the same blank stare I had come to recognize over the past few weeks. I knew he was thinking about everything. I could always tell when he let the thoughts in.
“I’ll be okay, thank you.”
We were ascending into the sky once more when Ethan spoke. “It’s been a process. For the longest time I avoided anything that reminded me of her. The candy aisle at the grocery store, fairy gardens, and especially carnivals.”
I had the urge to grab his hand and hold on as tight as I could, but I just couldn’t risk it. Not with Alyssa turning around to glance at us every so often. They had no idea what had happened between Ethan and me. When they asked us to sit together, they thought it would be somewhat of a joke we could all laugh at afterwards, the fact that Abigail got stuck sitting with the teacher.
“It was brave of you to come today,” I finally said.
“Yes and no. I actually come now for me. It gives me comfort going to her favorite place, like somehow maybe she’s here.”
I made a split-second decision to be completely honest with him. “You know what I think?”
He raised his eyebrows.
“I think that we all have our own personal heavens. It’s something that comforts us when we move on from this world so that we’re not so scared, not so overwhelmed by death and all the changes that come along with it.” He was staring at me, and I felt my voice beginning to quiver. His knee was touching mine and I knew it was the smallest gesture he could get away with. “I think your daughter’s heaven is a carnival where the cotton candy never ends and you win a prize with every game.”
When I finished, I was too scared to look at him. Instead, I averted my gaze to the sky, which I was equally afraid of for fear it would suck me up into oblivion for having revealed some long-kept secret.
“You know,” he said, “they always say that there’s nothing that someone could tell you that makes you feel better about death.”
I froze. Had I said something wrong? He then, ever so gently, reached out and squeezed my shoulder. “But I think those are the words I’ve been waiting over two years to hear.”
CHAPTER 26
“This impossible, you know?” I screamed as loudly as I could, my voice spreading out across the field and dying on the snow-covered horizon ahead. “It’s impossible,” I whispered again, this time more to myself than anyone. October had given way to November, and the first snowfall on earth was expected to arrive later in the week. Fortunately for me, it was always snowing when I went back to visit my own personal heaven.
It was empty again this time around. A theme I noticed grew stronger with each visit. The plain white land stretched for miles.
I had begged Glen every night since the carnival two weeks earlier. Unfortunately for me, he never showed up, and the thought constantly crossed my mind that I had ruined everything by telling Ethan what I knew about heaven.
“You did nothing wrong.” A hand on my shoulder made me jump. It was Glen.
“Oh my God, where have you been?”
“No swearing.” He made a tsk tsk sound before taking a seat next to me, right in the snow. I couldn’t help but notice he wasn’t wearing any shoes as he swirled his foot around, creating some sort of design in the snow. “I don’t have long.”
“Why am I finally here?” I asked, breaking the silence between us.
“You called the meeting.”
It made me suddenly feel like a CEO and not some dead girl caught in some plan to save the world while failing advanced chem.
“You really should study for your Government class more.” Glen gave me what I’m sure he thought was a helpful smile.
“Stop doing that.” I reached over and erased the drawing he had made of Ethan and me in the gondola. I couldn’t take staring at the outline of Ethan’s hand squeezing my shoulder any longer.
“Fine. What can I help you with?”
“I don’t want to do this.”
“No one ever does.”
“Okay, but I really don’t want to do this. What if I call in sick that day?”
“And have death on your hands?” Glen asked. “Here’s the thing, Abigail. You’re this strong, brave, and incredible young lady. You don’t realize that. You have a purpose. We all have purposes. You just happened to land one of the bigger and scarier ones. Listen, this is how we up here keep control of what’s happening down on Earth...and on Mars.” He stopped to wink at me. “Without you, everything falls apart, and there’s more at risk than just who you were put on earth to save.”
I nodded. I had heard it all before and had played this scene out in my brain countless times. I just wanted to know what would happen if I simply refused.
“And we’d find a way to get you there. We’re still the ones in charge.” Glen winked at me again as a hammering sound began to fill the air. It was the same sound I had heard the first time I was there. Heaven, like everything else in life, was a work in progress.
I knew the hammering was my cue that there wasn’t much time.
“Can’t I just call the police right now? They’ll increase their presence and it’ll be avoided,” I begged.
“If it were that simple, a lot of tragedies would have been avoided. This is yours to deal with alone.”
I nodded. There was nothing I could say that would change his mind. I knew that, and deep down I understood what he meant. An officer didn’t choose the destination door. I did.
“When all this is over, will I remember my heaven and you?” I studied Glen’s face, hoping for all of the answers.
“You will not.” He stated in a firm voice. “Everything and I mean everything before Abigail, fades away after one year.”
Glen’s face fell. When all was said and done, our relationship would be over as well. I reached out and squeezed his hand. It was scary to think that all of us were possibly just billions of different souls in one.
“Can I ask one more question?”
He nodded as he squeezed my hand back.
“Where is Olivia?”
The snow was swirling once more, hitting my face with such intensity that I thought I’d be going blind. It was as if the sky above had opened up and all the snow it had ever held was being released on us. It was coming quickly as it covered my legs, torso, and eventually me. Everything went black.
I sat straight up, gasping for breath in a dark room. I was back at home. I let myself fall back into reality and back down onto my pillow. There was something lumpy underneath.
I reached behind it and my fingers made contact with something soft. I was holding Olivia’s stuffed monsty.
I ran my fingers over the soft red feathers. My tears came quickly, dampening the monster.
“I’m so sorry, Olivia. I’m so sorry you were failed.”
CHAPTER 27
A collective groan filled the auditorium, made even louder by the fact that the place contained only a hundred or so high school seniors who wanted to be anywhere other than at a meeting where they were supposed to be discussing their future.
Alyssa elbowed me hard in the side.
“Ouch?” I raised my eyebrows at her, wondering what would be so important that she had to cause a bruise to the left side of my ribcage.
“We’re playing a game. What percentage of the class do you think is actually going to graduate?”
“All of them.” I answered quickly.
“Opportunist.” Thorton shook her head at me. “Also, you’re no fun.”
I turned my attention back to the stage, where Principal Medina was pacing, reading from a list of what was still to come over the next six months. He had already covered voting for the Winter Formal court, which naturally held the attention of the seniors more than the discussion on college applications.
I looked out over the class. Most were trying to discreetly text on their phones, and one was actually sleeping until Mrs. Osterberg, one of the guidance counselors, shook him awake and led him out of the auditorium.<
br />
“Oops, excuse me.” There was some interference with the microphone on Mr. Medina’s end. “Your wonderful guidance counselors will be passing around the cards. As usual, you’ll write down four men and four women for Winter Formal court. And because we teachers don’t want to be left out, there’s something for us.”
“Eww, don’t do that.” Alyssa muttered under her breath as Principal Medina winked out at the crowd. I stifled a laugh. Mrs. Kaiser shot us a look to be quiet.
“New this year is the Teacher of the Year award. You’ll write down your nomination on the back. The winner will get recognition at the assembly on December 16, a gift card to a local restaurant, and credit for the school spirit store.”
Thorton waved her finger around in a whoopdeedoo motion. “Exactly what they want, shit clothes to remind them of the shit jobs they have here.”
Alyssa was shaking with silent laughs next to me. Good thing we were dismissed a minute later, because she was about to lose it.
As we exited the auditorium, Thorton wasted no time tossing the ballot into the trash.
“Don’t do that.” Alyssa scolded, digging the ballot out. “I’ll vote for myself on it if you won’t.”
Noah raised his eyebrows so high that they almost disappeared into his curly mop of hair. “Good luck with that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she shot back.
“Abigail is probably the only person here who has a real shot at winning,” Thorton pointed out, much to my surprise.
The thought had never crossed my mind. I must have looked shocked.
“Oh, come on. You’re cute, nice enough, and have never shoved someone into a trash can,” Noah said.
“Plus, the most popular guy in the school, even if he is a jackass, has the hots for her,” Alyssa chimed in. “Yep. I like this. I’m voting for her.”
I didn’t want to be voted for. I just wanted to get through the next month without drawing any more attention to myself. I was lost in thought until I heard Ethan’s name come up in conversation.
If Heaven Had Cheese Fries Page 25
