by S M Mala
‘And Hatty?’
‘If you’re asking me to choose then that’s not fair. I love you both very much but if something happened, god forbid, I would choose you always. You are my son.’ He burst into tears saying it, knowing the day had taken a toll on his emotions and not wanting ever to discuss his situation with Jake. ‘She nearly died already so I’m prepared.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Jake said and Murray felt an arm around his shoulders. ‘I’m just worried about Hatty and I know I’ve upset her. I didn’t mean to be angry with you.’
‘I told her she was created with love and happiness, everything around her was perfect other than her drunken father. She believed me. Now she’s going to know I was lying and I need to speak to her.’ Murray looked straight into his son’s eyes. ‘I asked you not to say anything and now she knows, she won’t let it rest. She’ll try and find out more about her father and this is probably the biggest can of worms you can possibly imagine. Jake, I think you should go back to New York. You’re better off out of this.’
‘I’m not going,’ he said, as tears sprung to his eyes. ‘I can’t leave Hatty.’
‘Listen to me,’ he said, grabbing his son’s face. ‘You’re young and want to have fun, I know that and Hatty knows it too. Don’t let her fall in love with you any more than she has done. If you care about her, let her go and enjoy your life.’
‘I was being honest.’
‘And who told you how Hatty was conceived? Who feeds you things about her? I know it’s Gina. Hatty will probably figure that out too. How do you think she feels knowing you want someone else?’
‘I don’t. Not really. I was being honest and-.’
‘You don’t really love Hatty,’ Murray smiled seeing Jake flinch. ‘Not really. If you love her then you wouldn’t want anyone else, you wouldn’t be happy with anyone else, only her and her alone. I don’t think that’s the case with you.’
Blurry eyed, she woke in her bed the following morning, in the early hours. Something lay heavy in her chest and she felt sad. As she opened up the blinds, the sun was rising and it was going to be a beautiful day, which was the exact opposite of how she felt. That night she’d left the window open facing the sea and wanted to hear what it had to say to her.
All she heard was shouting, screaming and her heart beating faster.
She got up and put on her vest and dungarees knowing her eyes were sore from crying. Hatty didn’t know where to go, where to walk to. It’s as if there was no path for her and she looked at the cove noticing the sea was way back.
There was no breeze as she stepped outside the house and headed to the side of the cove. Seeing the tide was out, she carefully stepped on the stones and into the cave. On the ground were shards of blue rock. She quickly picked them up and put into her pockets, knowing not to be afraid but equally aware her hands were shaking.
Then she stopped.
‘What’ve I got to be scared of?’ she said and slowed down her movements. ‘It wouldn’t matter and he’s broken my heart.’ Her pockets full of stone, Hatty walked to the mouth of the cave and saw the tide come in. Her heart started to beat faster and felt an anxiety grow as she gulped hard. ‘I don’t have to be afraid.’
Slowly, she stepped forward and walked a few steps on the wet sand, feeling sick as she did it.
Hatty followed the line of the sand where the tide had been and walked on it, with the intention of following it to the other side of the cove. The sea crashed in the background and it sounded like a drum beating in her ears. Her heart was racing and she was petrified, clenching her fists as she started to march but as she concentrated, Hatty then screamed when the water hit her feet.
Frozen to the spot, she didn’t know what to do, seeing the tide was coming back quickly. Her feet had sunk in the sand and she was stuck. There was a wave coming towards her and she stared as it hit her and she fell backwards, the sand disappearing from under her feet. The water covered her for a moment and she started to panic, unable to move as another wave crashed onto and over her.
The booming in her ears intensified as something came into her head about sinking and feeling a pain in her back, as if being pushed. It was dark and she remembered seeing the moon’s reflection on the water before falling into it.
‘Help!’ she screamed and jumped up with all her might, running as fast as she could away from the sea, her clothing heavy with stones. Just as she gasped for air she saw Murray looking down at her in shock before Jake appeared next to him. ‘I didn’t try to kill myself!’ Her body was shaking as Jake jumped to stand next to her but she didn’t look at him, she stared up at Murray. ‘I didn’t do it!’
‘Ha Ha are you okay?’ Jake gently asked as she glared at him.
‘I don’t like you,’ she said honestly, biting back her angry tears. ‘I want you to leave my home and go away. You told me all I need to know and I’m grateful. But you’re not the man I thought you were.’
Hatty scrambled up the side and ran into Murray’s arms as she burst into tears. She knew he was the only person who really loved her and wouldn’t let her down.
‘It’s okay Hatty, everything’s going to be alright. Let’s get you out of your wet clothes,’ Murray gently said, leading her back in.
Jake’s heart was crumbling as he heard her cry her heart out in the bedroom, knowing this was all down to him. He needed to get to work in an hour but hadn’t slept the previous night, tossing and turning, thinking about Hatty. He knew last night he’d pushed her far enough.
Taking a sharp intake of breath, when he recalled what she told him about not liking him and realising he wasn’t the man she thought he was, he felt sick. Jake buried his head in his hands, sensing he’d never claw his way back into her heart again. Then he heard his father’s voice.
‘I know what happened last night,’ he said softly as she quietly sobbed. ‘Jake shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘But he did. He said a lot.’
‘You didn’t need to know-.’
‘I needed to know and you should’ve told me. It all makes sense why everyone hates me!’
‘No one hates you.’ The sobs got louder. ‘Don’t get upset, you’ll make yourself sick.’
‘I don’t care! I’m melodramatic, that’s what I do,’ she choked and Jake felt ashamed of what he’d said. ‘He doesn’t love me the way I love him. He won’t ever be with me and he wants to have sex with other women. And you have to tell him to go away and leave me alone. Murray, I can’t be with Jake, not now, not since he told me how he feels about my mother. It would be disgusting if he ended up with me and very shameful for your family.’ Jake’s gut twisted hard on hearing her, as he braced himself against the wall, trying not to cry. ‘I’m not good enough.’
‘Now you’re talking nonsense,’ Murray gulped.
‘My father raped my mother and I was conceived. She gave birth to me so how was she supposed to live after that? How could she want to live?’
‘I better tell you something…’
He listened as his father told her the story about her grandmother and Eloise being adopted by an English family, to how he met Eloise and fell in love. Everything Jake knew and hadn’t told her.
She didn’t cry or make a sound, she was silent.
The only thing Murray omitted was the true involvement of Delores, saying he’d become close to her after Eloise’s death but he wanted to be with his wife, make it up to her and that’s how Jake was conceived. He sat there, hearing his father’s comforting words and reassuring her she was always loved, never hated.
‘My mother and I have so much in common,’ she eventually said. Jake could hear she sounded very tired. ‘Does that mean I’m destined to die at an early age too?’
‘That’s ridiculous!’ snapped Murray. ‘Stop drawing parallels with your mother. Your life is very different.’
‘My life is very sad,’ she said quietly.
‘What were you doing in the sea?’ he gently asked and Jake squeezed his eyes shut, scared she
was trying to take her own life.
‘I’ve never been into the sea since my accident. When we were in Spain I never went in. Gabriel thought it would be a good lie to tell people here so they wouldn’t think I was so strange and was getting better.’
‘But today?’
‘I was collecting my rocks from the cave and I realised I’ve nothing to be afraid of. The worse that could happen to me is I die and if I do, I do. But I never jumped in of my own accord when I was I child, you have to believe me. I remembered something when the wave came over my head. All I know it was night and I could see the moon’s reflection in the water. It was still, really still, as if the sea was a flat piece of mirror.’
‘You’re very upset, you need to rest.’
‘I never jumped, I never jumped. I wasn’t scared!’
Jake closed his eyes tightly, gulping hard and knowing she was telling the truth. He felt an almighty thrust of guilt seeing he’d put her in this position and realised she was very fragile, very unsure of where she fitted into the world and he’d made it worse.
‘Hatty are you alright?’ he heard his father say, concern prickling his voice. ‘You don’t look well.’
‘I must have swallowed some water,’ she said wearily.
‘Hatty! Hatty!’ his father yelled. Jake ran into the room and he saw her collapsed in his father’s arms. ‘Call someone Jake, call someone now!’
‘Who?’ he said, looking at her slumped like a rag doll, as Murray dialled a number on his mobile.
Jake grabbed her out of his father’s arms.
‘I’m sorry Hatty,’ he said, starting to cry as he looked at her beautiful face. ‘You’re right I’m a boy, not a man but I’ll be the person you want me to be, I really will.’
As the doctor checked her out in the bedroom an hour later, Jake bit onto the back of his hand to create some sort of pain he could recognise, to block out the hurt going on inside him.
‘Why’d you think she went into the sea?’ he asked Murray, who was sitting on his bed.
‘Don’t think about it.’
‘Have you told Delores?’
‘I’m not telling anyone until I find out she’s fine,’ he said and Jake saw the worry on his father’s face. ‘She knows everything she needs to now and we’ll have to see how she goes. And talking about going, you need to get back to the house.’
‘No!’ he snapped glaring at his father. ‘I’m not going! I want to stay!’
‘Why? She doesn’t want you here and it’ll only upset her. Hatty has to walk this one through on her own and you’re not going to help.’
‘I’m going to help her. I’m going to make it up to her and-.’
‘How many times have you managed to hurt Hatty?’ Murray stood up as Jake glanced away, hiding his guilt. ‘This is fun to you and in a few months, you’ll be sitting in the fancy offices, going out for drinks with your new friends and even making love to some of your female co-workers.’ He smiled sadly at him. ‘And she’ll be here, trying to come to terms with who she is and what life holds for her. Don’t complicate it further by giving her some sort of hope you’ll be around in the future, because you know that’s not the case.’
‘Why did you okay it for us to see each other?’ Jake asked, his heart thundering at his father’s words while anger stirred in his gut.
‘Even if I had forbidden the pair of you, you would have done it anyway,’ he said gently. ‘I thought it was best to let you know I knew and see what happened. You ended it with-.’
‘I didn’t end it!’ he snapped, wanting to scream at his father. ‘I was angry she knows what I think about Gina, as if she pre-empted it, and I wanted to tell her the truth so… I don’t know.’
‘To hurt her in retaliation? You certainly did that.’
Jake slumped onto his bed and started to cry. He was worried she was ill, concerned how unhappy she would be but desperately aware she was going to end their relationship.
That’s what hurt him the most.
Twenty five
Groggily, she opened her eyes, still feeling sick. She felt a hand guide her over the side of the bed for her to throw up as she retched and vomited into a bowl. Hatty felt weak and didn’t have the energy to lie back, it’s only then she recognised the hands, pulling her back into the bed.
She focussed for a moment and saw Delores’s face.
‘What are you doing here?’ Hatty asked quietly. ‘You hate this house.’
‘I do but you’re ill and Murray wanted me to come and check on you,’ she said, wiping her mouth and stroking her face. ‘What happened?’
‘I decided not to be scared of the sea and I tripped,’ she said, not wanting Delores to know the truth.
‘Murray said Jake upset you.’
‘He didn’t,’ she said defensively. ‘He told me the truth.’
‘About your father?’
‘I know everything,’ Hatty replied, a heavy weight on her chest pressing down. ‘They should’ve buried me with my mother.’
‘The doctor said you’ve suffered a bit of a shock but you’ll be right as rain soon enough. I think you should come back home with me.’
‘This is my home.’
‘You need to be looked after.’
‘I’d rather be on my own.’
‘Well, that’s going to be a bit of problem as Jake’s here.’
‘I asked him to go,’ she said, biting back her tears when she thought about him. ‘He’s not having much fun with a strict landlady and it’s pissing him off. You can take his bags back when you go to the estate. He’ll be back from work at-.’
‘He’s downstairs and there are no bags,’ Delores said as Hatty chewed her lip hard, not wanting to speak or see him again. ‘Murray said Jake’s working from home today plus Philip’s downstairs waiting for you to wake up. He’s got some driftwood for you.’
‘Really?’ she said, suddenly feeling alert and wanting to see her friend. ‘I better-.’
‘No!’ Delores said firmly. ‘You stay in bed for the rest of the day.’
‘I didn’t jump.’ Hatty said it as Delores looked confused. ‘I never jumped that night. I fell in. I remembered when I was under the water this morning, it came back to me. It was night and I wasn’t scared or upset when I fell in. I was looking at the moon’s reflection in the still sea. It was very round.’
Delores stared at Hatty for a moment and took a deep breath, closing her eyes before saying, ‘You’re probably very confused and-.’
‘I’m not!’
Jake told Philip everything. The large man listened and Jake wasn’t sure if Philip was angry at him for upsetting Hatty or surprised by any of the news he’d been told. He waited for a reaction but was met with silence as they sat on the beach, in the cove.
‘She never went in the sea in Ibiza, did she?’ Jake said, as Philip sat staring out at the water in silence.
‘Simon tried to take her to the sea when she was younger, after I tried it years before and failed. I don’t know what happened. She got scared and he came to my home. We tried to calm her down but she screamed. She was fifteen and it was horrible.’ Jake could feel Philip’s glare. ‘You shouldn’t have told her about your needs, you know that? Hatty just wants this perfect life and she never thought she’d meet someone. You come along and give her hope, only for her to see it’s not real.’
‘She said I wasn’t the man she thought I was.’ He hoped Philip would reassure him but the heavy silence spoke volumes. ‘Hatty packed all my things and left them in the corridor, wanting me to go.’
‘Why you still here?’
‘I can’t leave her.’
‘But you’re gonna, so why not do it now?’
Hatty realised Jake was giving her space as he kept out of her way for the following fortnight. She hadn’t seen much of him as he was going into work early and arriving home late.
The whole episode was killing Hatty. She didn’t know what to do other than to find out more about her father and wha
t type of monster he was. But since Murray had spoken to her, he refused to say any more and there was no point asking Delores. The only person who knew anything would be Ethel.
Hatty rode her bike to the estate on Saturday morning. The sky was grey and she knew it was going to rain. Her eyes kept focussing on the grey sea, slamming it’s self against the sand and rocks. She felt less afraid and angrier on seeing it.
As she turned into the drive, she saw Delores coming out of her house, smiling brightly.
‘Morning!’ Hatty said, getting off her bike and kissing her aunt before she gave her a hug.
‘You look well though a little drawn,’ Delores said. Hatty forced a smile to mask her unhappiness. ‘Come for your cookery lesson?’
‘Yes,’ Hatty said, clasping her satchel with her mother’s book inside. ‘I need Ethel’s help on how to chop up lamb.’
‘Really?’ replied Delores surprised. ‘I’m off out for the day. Are you sure you’re fine?’
‘I’m good,’ shrugged Hatty, glancing at the house and wondering where Jake was.
He hadn’t slept in his bed the night before.
That morning, when she realised he had gone, she’d cried for half an hour knowing he was probably with Gina Glory Glory. Her heart sunk for a moment as she got back on her bike and rode closer to the house. After parking to the side she walked into the kitchen and stopped when she saw him sitting at the table talking to Ethel.
‘Hello,’ he said smiling and immediately stood up.
She hadn’t looked at him in the eye since she came out of the sea, fifteen days ago, and nodded as Ethel’s concerned face turned to her.
‘Morning Jake,’ she said, scratching an invisible bite and putting down her satchel.
‘Hatty,’ Ethel said and glanced at the pair of them. ‘Me tought it would be good if Jake join us.’
‘Why?’
Hatty put on an apron and closed her eyes for a second, wanting him to go away but she didn’t say anything.
‘Do you mind?’ he quietly asked.
‘Makes no difference to me,’ she lied and opened her satchel, handing the book to Ethel. ‘Lamb curry.’
