by S M Mala
So many times he’d be sleeping and in mid consciousness thought she was beside him. For a moment, he would feel happy before plummeting into a living hell, knowing she was dead. That one second feeling of loss simply pained him more than anything else before turning into anger. Day by day he felt both a loathing for himself and for her. All the while he masked it from others but not everyone was convinced.
Pete, his best friend, never said a word, though he noticed the man watched him with concern. The same concern was etched on his face as they sat in Pete’s living room, drinking a bottle of scotch weeks later.
‘Anyway, things are going great, early days but they seem to like what I’m doing,’ Jake smiled as he topped up their glasses and Pete walked to the couch, putting the pizza on the table. ‘I’m not hungry.’
‘You need to eat. You’ve lost weight man, and that’s not good,’ his friend replied. Jake recognised the look of anxiety and stared at him for a moment. ‘I put pineapple on it.’
‘Okay,’ he said, knowing Pete was only doing good by him. ‘I’ll eat. Have you got any hot sauce? Tabasco?’
‘Sure.’ Pete jumped up and walked back into the kitchen coming back with a small bottle. ‘I remember when you couldn’t even look at the stuff without breaking into a sweat.’
‘I know!’ he laughed taking the bottle and putting a few drops on a slice. ‘She made sure we had-.’
He stopped.
Jake couldn’t say anything else as Pete glanced away before looking at him.
‘You can talk to me about it, you know. I’m here for you.’
‘I can’t,’ he replied, taking a bite and swallowing the continuous pain he’d feel when thinking about Hatty. ‘I don’t want to.’
‘Jesus man, if I could take this all away from you, I would,’ he said gently. ‘But you’re bottling this up and it’s not going to do you any good. She was beautiful Jake, really beautiful. I can feel your loss and-.’
‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ he said calmly, aware he wanted to scream and shout but not at Pete. ‘If you really care then you’ll never speak about her again to me.’
A few weeks later he bumped into Serena who knew about Hatty dying. Jake had put down the coincidental meeting to Pete, who was trying to do his best to comfort his friend. In a drunken haze, he slept with Serena but all he could think about was making love to Hatty.
And it killed him.
‘You know you should speak to someone about this,’ Serena said after they’d been sleeping together for a week. ‘As much as I hate to say this, I know you were in love with her and I hear you were going to get married.’
‘I’m going to be late for work,’ he said, looking around in his apartment for clean socks and not wanting to talk about it, knowing that she wanted to help but finding her words an intrusion.
‘Where’s the mirror she made?’ Serena continued, getting up and handing him a clean pair of socks. ‘It’s beautiful and a memory of-.’
‘I don’t want to remember!’ he snapped and then noticed Serena recoil, which only made him think about when he shouted at Hatty the last time he saw her. ‘The mirror, I put in the spare room and I don’t want to look at it. Take it to a charity shop or throw it away.’
‘I’ll keep it,’ she said gently. He knew Serena was trying to help but all he wanted was her familiarity, warmth and sex, little else. ‘It would be a waste to give it away. She made it for you.’
‘Do what you want,’ he shrugged and forced a smile. ‘I have to go.’
‘I know how to let myself out,’ she said, her eyes full of worry. ‘Do you want to meet up later?’
‘Sure,’ he replied, kissing her and going to the front door.
Jake got the shock of his life when he saw his father standing on the other side.
‘Surprise,’ he said and Jake was taken aback on how well he looked. ‘Can I come in?’
‘I was just going to work,’ he said, trying to close the door.
‘Serena,’ Murray said, as he spotted her walking across the living room. Jake noticed he gave his son a sympathetic glance before looking at the young woman. ‘Sorry to impose but I wanted to talk to my son. He’s not very good at returning calls or emailing.’
‘I’ve been very-.’
‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ Serena said, walking to the door and pulling it open to kiss his father on the cheek. ‘It’s a very sad thing.’
‘She was wonderful, you would have really liked her,’ Murray replied quietly.
‘I’ve got to go,’ Jake said walking off, uncomfortable with how at ease they spoke about her.
‘Why are you in a rush?’
‘Work.’
Jake marched down the steps and out of the building into the warm sunshine, stopping for a moment.
‘Serena is a lovely woman,’ his father said, walking behind him.
‘Aren’t you going to tell me it’s too quick for me to be with someone?’
‘No. We all have to do things to deal with our pain.’
Jake noticed his father was looking trim.
‘What are you doing? Living healthily? Exercising?’
‘Crying privately, if you really want to know?’
‘I don’t,’ Jake said, starting to walk quickly away.
‘And may I say you look like shit. Living the high life?’
‘Fucking around,’ came the blunt reply as he realised Murray was still walking behind him and keeping up to his pace.
‘Good for you!’
‘Really?’ he said, turning on his heels. ‘You’re not going to lecture me about the loss of Hatty and anything like that?’
‘Do you want me to?’ Murray replied and Jake saw the gentleness in his father’s face. For the first time since he got back to New York, he wanted to cry. ‘You’re getting over it and that’s good to see.’
‘But you’re not?’
‘I was with her for around twenty four years. It’s a little harder,’ he said and smiled. ‘Can I talk to you for a moment?’
‘Dad, I’m going to be late and-.’
‘Meet me after work at the usual place. Can you do that for me? I’ve not seen you for months and I’ve missed you,’ Murray sighed, gently touching Jake’s face. ‘You’re my son, after all.’
‘Fine,’ he shrugged, walking off down the street knowing how numb he was feeling about seeing his father which only reminded him of her.
Suddenly he braced himself up against a corner and felt the sob coming through as his whole body shook and he cried into his hands, trying to control the animal like noise. Jake stood up straight, rubbed his eyes roughly and walked away, swearing not to bend to his feelings again.
Murray sat in the restaurant and saw Jake walk in after work. He realised as much as Jake was putting up a fight against it, he wasn’t handling Hatty’s death very well and it showed. There was the drinking and drugs, which Murray knew about, but it was when he was told how angry his son had become, it made him worry. Even Pete had emailed him to say he was concerned about Jake’s erratic behaviour. They all knew what it was down to and let it wash.
‘Large scotch,’ Jake said sitting down opposite his father then threw his bag to the side. ‘I’m meeting Serena later so it can’t be a long one.’
‘Sure,’ Murray replied, aware Jake’s resistance at time to make eye contact with him ever since she died. He gestured to the waiter and watched his son twitch uncomfortably while looking at his phone then putting it down. ‘Thank you for coming.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me you were in town?’ he asked, sitting back in the seat.
‘Because I was worried you’d make yourself busy to avoid talking to me.’ He received a harsh grimace from Jake. ‘They’ve found everyone’s body but not Hatty’s.’
‘Fine,’ Jake said, as his glass appeared and he knocked back half of the contents. ‘Why won’t you let them name her?’
‘I’m being protective, even in death.’ Murray felt a sharp pain in his gu
t as the tears speared his eyes. ‘Most of the islanders know and I even had some contact from distant step relations of her mother, the ones who live in England. It was very sad as they remembered Hatty and Eloise.’ Murray stared at his son’s stony face. ‘Have you spoken to Caroline?’
‘No,’ he said and downed the second half of his drink before asking for another one. ‘Have you?’
‘I got a phone call from someone in the family saying she was upset about what happened. Obviously, they didn’t know what she did.’ Murray waited a moment before reaching into his pocket. ‘I want you to read this.’ Murray handed it over. ‘It’s your mother’s last note. If it does anything, I hope it heals whatever pain you’re going through.’
He watched how Jake tried to control his emotions as he looked at it.
‘I don’t want to know,’ he said, flinging it onto the table. ‘What good will it do?’
‘Okay,’ Murray replied and picked it up, seeing Jake was anxious to go. ‘I’ll read it. ‘Murray, forgive me. Look after our beautiful son. I want him to have a very happy life and you must make sure he does. I love him so much and you. I’m sorry. Jane.’’
‘That’s nice,’ he replied flatly as Murray tried not to laugh at Jake’s insolence.
‘Do you blame yourself for Hatty dying?’ he asked, seeing the pain shoot across Jake’s face. ‘You’ve nothing to feel bad about.’
‘If you want to help me, you’ll promise me one thing.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Don’t ever mention her to me again,’ he said angrily. ‘I don’t want to hear her name. Hatty took her own life! She’s dead and that’s that!’
Murray saw the pain, recognised the hurt and realised he’d have to let Jake get over it on his own. He felt upset at being unable to help but he knew they’d both have to deal with it, one way or another.
Since the hurricane, Gina had hardly been seen around. Some people said she was hit hard by the whole thing but a reliable source mentioned she was spotted with Jake, a few days later, and they had a heated exchange. Delores knew Gina hadn’t said anything because if she had, then Jake would have found out and ultimately Murray. She walked towards the kitchen and saw Ethel.
‘Are you alright?’ she asked Ethel, who was concentrating on something in the pot.
‘Yes,’ she wearily replied as Monica stood by the sink, looking aimlessly out of the window.
‘She’s not coming back, Hatty,’ Delores said, as Monica immediately turned to her, eyes filling with tears.
‘Me miss her so much,’ said Monica, wiping her eyes with her shoulder, her hands immersed in water. ‘Poor Hatty.’
‘God bless da child,’ muttered Ethel, turning around. ‘Me Hatty.’
‘Well she’s gone,’ Delores said, agitated by them before walking out.
‘She not care about dat child! See ‘ow she act? Like she ‘appy she dead,’ said Ethel.
Delores immediately turned around to confront her but decided to ignore it. She knew the old woman’s mind was made up that Delores was somehow to blame for what happened.
And she had a valid point.
Thirty eight
‘I’m pregnant,’ Serena said as Jake sat open mouthed. ‘It’s due in at the end of April, beginning of May. Are you going to say something?’
‘What do you want me to say?’ he said feeling numb. ‘Are you keeping it?’
‘Yes,’ she said glumly and sat down. ‘Jake, listen to me. I know this isn’t ideal and we’re young but you need to focus on something positive.’
‘Fucking, drinking and taking drugs is fine when I’m not working,’ he shrugged, hoping it was a mistake and she wasn’t pregnant as he vaguely hid his utter disappointment on hearing the news.
‘Listen to me,’ she said, grabbing his face. ‘I love you Jake Logan and I know you can’t see it right now but we’re meant for each other. I want you to have a part in our baby’s life.’
‘I can’t,’ he said, standing up and shaking his head. ‘I’m not ready to be a father.’
‘I can wait,’ Serena said and he noticed she looked happy. ‘I’m willing to bring this child up but he or she needs a father and that’s what I want from you, to be a father.’
‘Fuck!’ Jake said, putting his head in his hands. ‘I can’t do this!’
‘You can,’ she said, putting her arms around him. ‘We can.’
‘I’m not ready!’
‘This is a new beginning for us both. We’ll be fine,’ she said gently and he examined her beautiful face.
‘Okay,’ he replied, unconvinced by it all. ‘We don’t have to change anything and-.’
‘Will you marry me Jake? Say you will?’
He looked at the screen and observed his father’s stunned face as he told him the news a few weeks later. Jake knew Murray wasn’t impressed but noticed the forced smile.
‘It’s very sudden,’ his father eventually said. ‘I mean, it’s modern times and weren’t you using precautions?’
‘It’s wonderful,’ Jake said forcing a laugh. ‘I’m very happy and this is meant to be. New beginnings with a new life.’
‘But Jacob getting married is a big step.’
‘One I’m willing to take,’ he lied. ‘And we’re getting married on September 13th.’ Jake watched the full horror of what he said strike across his father’s face. ‘And you have to come.’
‘Are you trying to wipe her from your memory completely?’ Murray said aghast.
‘Who?’ he replied, knowing what he was doing, trying his hardest not to show the guilt.
‘I’ll be there,’ Murray said wearily. ‘But I have to fly out the day afterwards to go to London to visit Eloise’s grave.’
‘And go to tea?’ he said, staring at his father.
‘You know Barney passed away?’ Murray said and looked like he was on the verge of tears. ‘They said it was cancer but I know it was from a broken heart.’ Jake gulped hard, feeling a searing pain in his chest. ‘At least they’re together and she has her friend. You know once she told me she loved me nearly as much as she loved Barney and god did she love that dog.’ Then Murray hesitated. ‘Please don’t get married on that day. Can’t you do it sooner or later?’
‘I’m getting married to Serena and we’re going to have a baby. My life is moving on and you should be happy for me. Are you happy for me?’
‘If you’re happy then I’m happy,’ he said, smiling at him. ‘And you are happy, aren’t you?’
After speaking to Jake, Murray walked out of the study and onto the balcony facing the sea. He felt agitated and couldn’t fathom out what his son was thinking. Marching to his car, he drove off around the island then stopped outside Hatty’s house, letting out a faint groan on seeing it for the first time in months. It was now August and it felt as if she died only the day before, his pain so raw.
Murray got out and walked towards the gate before he noticed Philip talking to Louisa.
‘Hello!’ Murray shouted as Louisa turned. ‘Can I let myself in?’
‘It’s your home,’ said Philip, hugging Louisa.
Murray noticed the woman’s tearstained face as she rubbed her hands quickly over eyes.
‘Louisa,’ Murray said and gave her a hug only to be met with loud sobs. ‘It’s alright, don’t cry.’
‘She’s gone and I don’t know what to do!’ Louisa cried. ‘I can’t accept it! I thought coming here would make me feel better and it’s just got worse.’
‘Oh god,’ Murray said seeing the work shed was gone and he wanted to breakdown. ‘I’ve not come here since the hurricane and it’s hard.’ He gently took her by the shoulders and leaned down. ‘She loved you Louisa. She’d be so upset to see you unhappy.’
‘I’m going to find out what happened if it kills me,’ she angrily said, rubbing her eyes. ‘Hatty wouldn’t have done this on purpose.’
‘Jake broke her damn heart again,’ said Philip, sucking air through his teeth.
‘Me know ya
mad at ‘im but it not ‘e fault. Dat aunt of ‘is tell lies an’ used his mammy. It not right ya blamin’ Jake!’ snapped Louisa at her brother as Philip’s face didn’t betray a thing.
‘He’s not coping,’ said Murray, letting out a massive sigh. ‘He’s making the biggest mistakes of his life and he can’t see it.’ Shaking his head he walked into the house and thought of Hatty, when he noticed the door and windows open. ‘You mentioned weeks ago you found some of her things. Can I take a look?’
‘What mistake?’ asked Louisa.
‘He’s getting married to Serena because, in all this, he’s managed to knock her up!’ Murray turned around, getting incensed at the thought. ‘He can’t cope! He asked me weeks ago not to ever mention Hatty’s name. Now he’s being a little fucker because now he wants to get married on her birthday! I told him he can’t erase her from his life and he’s just not listening!’
‘When me get me hands on ya son Murray, me gonna kill ‘im!’ said Philip shaking with fury. ‘What ‘e doin? Jack ass!’
‘He’s trying to mend his broken heart,’ Louisa said, sounding a little bit weary. ‘Philip, listen to me. That boy loved Hatty so much, so much. I know. He made a mistake and an awful thing happened. Jake is hurting badly.’
‘Me not care!’ barked Philip angrily, walking away as Murray saw the siblings stare angrily at each other.
‘Don’t fight over him. It’s not worth it and we need to stick together.’ Murray walked out through the back door and looked at the cove. ‘We all need to make sure this doesn’t break us apart.’
‘Murray,’ Louisa said, standing beside him. ‘It will be alright won’t it?’
‘I’m not sure.’
Slowly he turned around and walked up the stairs, unable to look at the destroyed bedroom and heading to the spare room. The door was open and he smiled, feeling the pain, as he saw how she’d protected her work and then he noticed the chest. Murray walked towards it and bent down, never seeing it before. Then opened the lid.
He drew a massive breath when he saw what was inside.
‘She kept all her secret things in there,’ said Louisa gently, as she stood by the door. ‘Philip took a couple of things but the rest, well it’s really yours.’
