by Poppy Flynn
"It's not apologies I need from you, Logan."
"I know, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't apologise. And I really do mean it when I tell you I'm sorry. They're not just empty words to soothe any ruffled feathers."
She nodded her acceptance but stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue.
"There was a club near here that was up for sale; it was bought out by a consortium, all of whom I knew."
He paused for a while, and Luanna couldn't help but notice the hesitation and that he didn't name names, though she wasn't sure why that might matter. He was bound to know a lot of people in the kink world. After all, they all visited these places together, so it made sense that they'd become friends, given their common interests. Birds of a feather and all that.
She wondered for a moment if Desi knew the same people. Maybe she and her boss needed to have the kind of conversation that was best held out of the office. She might get a better insight into it all from another woman…from a submissive. Luanna frowned at that. Desi was one of the strongest women she knew. She was at the very top of her game, despite her age. Certainly, Luanna had never thought of her as the meek and docile type. She shook her head and concentrated on Logan again, but she couldn't shake the idea that she was missing something in the genetic makeup of what Logan called a 'sub' and her own interpretation of the 'submissive' tag.
"For my part, I was responsible for overseeing the conveyancing, then drawing up the contracts both for the staff and the membership, but also the basic outline of the contracts that are used between Doms and subs, as well as—"
"Wait," Luanna interrupted with a frown of confusion. "These people who play together have contracts, for real? That wasn't just in the book?" she queried.
Logan considered her question and the best way to answer it, without confusing matters.
"Yes and no," he replied, holding up a hand to forestall her when she opened her mouth to say something more.
"All the members, male and female, Dominant or submissive, have contracts with the club, itself, which cover acceptable behaviour, training, medical health checks and non-disclosure agreements," he explained.
"On top of that, many have contracts with each other, training agreements, records of practices they may or may not be happy to participate in—that's referred to as a 'limit list'—and some of those who choose to enter an exclusive D/s relationship do so within the safety of a defined contractual period."
Luanna shuddered. "That sounds a bit cold and calculated!"
"Really?" Logan queried. "Is it honestly any different from a marriage contract with a pre-nuptial agreement?" he asked reasonably.
When put in that context, she supposed he had a point.
"At the end of the day, it's a safeguard for both parties. It defines the parameters of their relationship, so that each of them is clear on where they each stand—what is acceptable and what is not. In BDSM, the kind of activities we participate in is not the kind of thing that you want to make a mistake with, so every effort is made to make everything we do 'safe, sane and consensual', with the clear knowledge that both parties know exactly what they are doing and how they plan to proceed."
Luanna couldn't help but find herself impressed with the lengths these people were going to, to protect the practitioners of this lifestyle. It wasn't something she had given much thought to before, but now that she had, she could understand the benefits of everything Logan was endorsing. Not to mention exactly how much he must have had on his plate to get the legal side of this sorted out. It was massive! Not just members, but staff, training, individual contracts, conveyancing…it was a wonder he hadn't been busy for longer, since he was doing all this on top of his day job. These people he spoke of must be some damn good friends, for him to have taken on this much. Of course, he was probably getting paid very handsomely for it, too, and it made sense that these people—whoever they were—would want the security of using a lawyer who knew his way around the lifestyle.
But they were veering off course here, and although the insight into the deeper constructs of the lifestyle were valuable, that wasn't what they were supposed to be discussing.
"Okay, I understand why this took up so much of your time now, but I still don't understand why you didn't just tell me about it."
Logan bowed his head and looked at their joined hands, stroking his fingers across the back of her knuckles.
"The truth is I didn't know how to explain it. Our relationship was new, and it was a surprise. Not that I wasn't attracted to you, but I hadn't expected to be so deep into a relationship when this obligation came to a conclusion."
He squeezed her fingers. "You've come to mean a lot to me, Luanna, in a very short space of time. I didn't want to jeopardise what we had."
She gave him a hard look. "And yet you jeopardised it, anyway, with your evasiveness."
"In my defence, at the time, that seemed like a better option than telling my new girlfriend that I was going to be spending a solid nine days at a sex club," he offered self-depreciatingly.
At that, Luanna couldn't help but laugh, and it had the effect of loosening the tension between them and making everything all a little easier.
"In all honesty, I was waiting for the right time, but there never seemed to be one, and then I was out of time. It didn't seem right to lay it on you and then not be here to discuss it. After that, I just didn't see you enough to explain it all properly…" He trailed off, pulling her fingers to his mouth and kissing them.
"I hope you believe me when I say I didn't deliberately keep this from you."
Luanna studied him closely; he still didn't seem completely comfortable.
"So, you're telling me you didn't spend any time actually in the club, you were just doing the paperwork?" she asked sceptically.
"Oh, no!" Logan dropped her fingers and held both hands up in front of him in rebuttal. "I was at the club a lot of the time doing the paperwork, but I won't lie to you and say that I didn't attend the club proper during the weekend," he confirmed honestly.
"Did you participate?" she asked quietly, not knowing how she would feel if he said yes.
"I attended the opening party, a week ago last Friday, which was invitation only," he disclosed. "And I spent most of the following Saturday meeting up with new and prospective members."
Luanna sensed there was more. A small shudder shivered through her body at his pause.
"And I did participate, but not in the way that you imagine," he rushed to finish.
"I'm not sure how you can say that. Can there be more than one way?" she asked tentatively.
Logan moved forward, sitting close and grasping Luanna's shoulders in his lean hands.
"Not everything about BDSM is sexual, Luanna. I know that's probably a difficult concept to get your head around, but nevertheless, it's the truth."
Luanna still looked troubled.
"I was asked to do a Shibari demonstration as part of a display of master skills. I agreed a long time ago, and…"
In front of him, Luanna shivered and pulled away from him. "You tied up another woman?" she asked incredulously, quickly putting her coffee cup down on the table because of the tremor that jolted through her hands.
Logan knew he needed to tread carefully. There was so much Luanna didn't understand about the dynamics of the lifestyle. He didn't want to take a misstep, but he sensed they were teetering on the edge of a precipice here. One wrong move, and they'd be tumbling over the edge, and the outcome wouldn't be pretty.
"Luanna, listen to me before you jump to conclusions, please," he begged.
But she was suddenly feeling very far from calm and understanding, and the questions tumbled out of her mouth without regard. "Did you know her?"
"Yes."
"Was she naked?"
"Yes, but—"
"Is she someone you've been involved with before"?
"Not exactly, I—"
"That's a yes or no answer, Logan. Have you been intimate with this woman
in the past?"
Yes, but—"
"Did you have sex with her last night?"
"Luanna, stop!" he ordered, taking her firmly by the shoulders once more. "I did not have sex with her last night, and I haven't in the past, either!"
"But you just said you'd been intimate with her—"
"Luanna!"
Luanna fell silent abruptly. What the hell was wrong with her? She'd allowed her emotions to run away with her in a way that she hadn't since she was sixteen years old. She sounded like a fishwife, harping on and demanding answers but barely giving Logan a chance to speak.
Logan watched the veil fall over her features and the way she took an immediate mental step backward, distancing herself. It wasn't what he wanted from her, but that particular character trait would have to be shelved for the moment. There were priorities here.
"I'm sorry," she murmured, looking at a point somewhere off over his shoulder.
"You have nothing to apologise for, but I would like the chance to explain," he told her with a calm he was far from feeling. He still had that overwhelming sense of standing on shaky ground.
Luanna closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. When she looked at him again, she had visibly composed herself, but this time she wasn't so distant, and that, in itself, was a relief.
"Of course." She gave a small smile and brought a hand up to tentatively cup his face.
"I'm not used to feeling out of my depth," she admitted. "It hasn't happened for a long time, but you have the power to knock me off balance. It unnerves me."
Logan leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her mouth. "And this is why I kept quiet. I knew there were implications for our relationship, and I needed to have the time with you to answer your questions and not have to rush off and leave you second guessing my intentions."
Luanna rested her forehead against Logan's. Just hearing the unmistakable sincerity in his voice had her feeling better, already.
He gathered her close and held her quietly for a long time, each of them collecting their thoughts and composure.
"We're both new to this, sweetheart. We're both feeling our way. And believe me, you're not the only one feeling out of your depth. The important thing is that we talk things through; I know that. It's one of the most important things in BDSM—communication—and yet I've already messed up. I know that, too, but I want to make this work. I want to answer all your questions and ease all your worries. I don't want secrets between us, and if you give me the chance, I'll tell you anything you want to know."
Luanna nodded her head against his chest.
"Okay, how about we take a step back? You don't need to tell me about the woman you were with. You said you didn't have sex with her; that's all I need."
"Actually, I'd prefer to come clean about that. I don't want it to come up and bite me in the backside, later."
"That sounds ominous; do I really need to know?"
"There's only one woman locally whom I have ever had any kind of involvement with, and even then, it's only been peripheral. But I'd rather be upfront now than to have you find out about it later and be upset by it."
"Why would I be upset? This is all something that happened in your past, before we got involved."
"Because it's someone you know."
Luanna was silent, turning that thought over in her mind. "The same person you practiced Shibari on for your demonstration?" she whispered.
"Yes."
"Okay. Who is it?" She wasn't certain she really wanted to know. They didn't really have that many mutual female friends.
"Desi."
Silence. It stretched between them eternally, expanding and spreading, lingering.
"I don't know quite how I feel about that," Luanna finally replied. Seriously? My friend, my boss? The woman I just played bridesmaid to. That is a complete head do!
"Umm, so the Shibari demonstration…" She wasn't sure she even wanted to address the other.
Logan pulled her back against the sofa and put his arm around her shoulder, making them both comfortable.
"The club wanted various skills demonstrations. As a well-known Nawashi or rope master, obviously, they asked me if I would perform. It made sense, since I was here doing the legal work, anyway. I agreed, with the proviso that I used a model with whom I was familiar. It wasn't even supposed to be Desi, originally. It was supposed to be a woman called Trinity. She's the club's assistant manager. However, she ended up doing a whip scene with Ja…with one of the other masters, and it wasn't going to work to use her for both, so Joel volunteered Desi as part of a joint display, which he continued after I'd finished my work.
Luanna caught the correction. She was curious about the other patrons, but she understood that they valued their privacy. Right now, she was more focused on Logan's choice of words.
"Joel volunteered Desi?" she queried indignantly. "Didn't she get a say in the matter, herself?"
He sighed with the barest hint of exasperation and leaned his head back. "Of course, she did. Nobody does anything against their will. We enjoy kink, but we're not monsters, you know." He raised his head and looked at her again. "I just meant that Joel made the suggestion—most probably because Desi wasn't sure how her husband would react if she offered herself—luckily, they were both right on the same page and Desi was keen to take part. Turns out, she's always wanted to try Shibari, but it's not a skill Joel has experience in. He knew that, and it's why he put her forward."
Luanna mulled that bit of information. It was all so confusing and alien to her own traditional thinking. There was so much she didn't know and didn't understand.
"So, Joel didn't mind you tying her up and putting your hands on her, even though she was naked?" The entire notion was foreign to her. Not at all how she expected couples—especially newlyweds—to behave. Especially her bosses, who seemed so normal and professional.
And she really wasn't going there, because who was she to judge, anyway? That was definitely one of those things she tried very hard to avoid. She had spent a lot of years being on the wrong side of harsh judgement, with people thinking that, to have gotten pregnant at sixteen, she must have been immoral and promiscuous, when, in fact, she'd just been young and pressured and stupid and had thought herself in love with a boy she would build her future with.
How laughable was it to be labelled a whore, when you could get to the age of thirty and still be able to count the number of times you'd had actual sexual intercourse on one hand?
Surprised, she most certainly was. But Desi was her friend. She liked and admired her, and that opinion wasn't going to change just because of a peculiarity that Luanna wasn't familiar with. Although she was honest enough to admit to herself that she really was going to have to take a very hard look at exactly how these revelations impacted on her relationship with Logan, since he shared said 'peculiarities'.
Logan pulled her close and rested his cheek on her hair. "You have to remember that a lot of people in this lifestyle are complete exhibitionists. That sort of thing turns them on."
Luanna snuggled into Logan's side. She felt so safe and sheltered within the circle of his arms. It was a feeling she treasured. It was one she had never had the privilege of being familiar with before—not since she'd been a child. As soon as Danny had been born—long before that, in truth—the role of protector had fallen to her, and there had never been any one to care the same way for her. Not until now, with Logan. She didn't want to give that up, but suddenly, she felt as if she lived in a completely different world as the man she was falling in love with.
"I think it's time that I became more familiar with your lifestyle, Logan," she said quietly. "I don't really understand anything about it, but I do feel that it might be something that comes between us. It's obviously important to you, and right now, I feel like it's some huge chasm that separates us. I need to understand it, so I can decide if we can find some common ground, and if I can't, then you need to make some big decisions of your own."
Lo
gan squeezed her tight. "I want to introduce you to my world, Luanna. More than anything, in fact. I was trying not to move too fast and frighten you off. But please, don't feel like it's a gulf between us. I don't want that. I want you in my life, and if things don't work out for you with the Shibari, then we'll find a way around it."
Luanna smiled and kissed his cheek, but deep inside, she thought he was being a little bit blasé. Maybe he really didn't see quite how entrenched he seemed to be in his love of the kink lifestyle, how it encompassed his friends and his colleagues, his hobbies and his free time. Luanna wasn't sure how involved she could ever become in it, and she really wasn't certain that Logan would find it that easy to walk away if he had to make a choice. The whole issue had her deeply troubled.
Another thought occurred to her. "You said something about non-disclosure agreements, so how come you told me about Desi?"
"That was Desi's idea. She told me I should come clean and gave me the green light to talk to you about her role. I think she wanted it for her sake as much as mine, since the two of you have become friends."
Luanna was grateful for her friend's honesty and insight. She and Desi definitely needed to get together for their own kink discussion.
"I googled 'Shibari' last night," Luanna admitted so quietly, her voice was barely above a whisper.
She felt the weight of Logan's stare beating down on her bowed head. Finally, he crooked a finger under her chin and tipped her head up to meet his gaze.
"What did you think of what you saw?" he asked, searching her face for clues to her thoughts.
Luanna held his gaze. Logan almost looked as if he was holding his breath.
"I found it intriguing," she replied honestly. "Some of it looked fairly innocuous compared with others. I saw foot bindings that almost looked like sandals and other stuff like that, which seemed to be mostly decorative."
She pondered her words carefully. "I also saw things that made me cringe, things that looked uncomfortable and humiliating."
Logan nodded and waited to see if she had anything else to add.
"And I saw some that was like art, completely beautiful—all about form and shape and structure."
