by Ford, Mia
Dad takes his seat beside Mom and he fixes his eyes forwards. I don’t think he’s been able to look at me ever since I got pregnant. I have kinda come to terms with the fact that I will never see his eyes again. Mom falls in to silence then, with her eyes fixed forwards as well. I take it our conversation is over. I breathe in deeply and stare at a spot on the wall, so I can’t see anyone. I force my eyes to go blurry. But it doesn’t change anything. I can still feel him. I think I might have always been able to sense him wherever he is.
Relief floods me the moment the music starts up and I know that the ceremony is about to begin. I spin in my seat so much faster than anyone else and I watch in awe, waiting for the moment that Sian will finally come in. Her dress comes first, kicking out in front of her. To be honest, I thought she wouldn’t go for quite a puffy princess style number, but when she comes in to view I can see why. It really is ‘the dress’ the one which makes her look absolutely gorgeous, unreal, out of the world beautiful. Sian is stunning anyway, I have seen her all natural and without make up, but she looks even better than usual today. She looks like a fairy tale.
Quite unexpectedly, a tear fills my eyes. I clasp my hands together and watch her with sheer glee as she walks down the aisle in time with the music. The pink and purple flowers clutched between her fingers match the bridesmaid dresses and also manage to bring out her eyes. Those big blue eyes that are focused on my brother.
I quickly catch his eye too and see the sheer glee there. He looks like his world is wrapped up in that dress, and it really touches me. I’m glad that Adam has found such joy. He really does deserve it.
Sian reaches him, and I watch them whisper to one another as if this is a small snatched romantic moment alone. It’s so sweet, even sweeter than I imagine the rest of the wedding will be.
“We are gathered here today…” the minister begins in a grave tone of voice.
My eyes drift. I can’t help it. They seem to go of their own accord and they find what they have been looking for. I don’t even notice it until they are there and there is such a powerful jolt of shock running through me that I leap up from my seat. Mom gives me a strange look, but I completely ignore her.
Shit. My heart balls up in my mouth. It’s him. It’s fucking Josiah.
He doesn’t look too different either. I think I have changed a lot, but he looks exactly the same as ever. Thankfully he isn’t looking at me, so I can really study him in that gorgeous charcoal suit of his. His face is sculpted, his body just as strong, he still does things to me that no one else ever has. I hoped I would be able to just look at him now and not feel anything. After all, three years is a long time, but it’s all still there.
My pulse races, my stomach flip flops, it feels instinctively wrong to just sit here when he’s over there. I want to race to his side and throw my arms around him. I want to pick things up where we left off… or where we were torn apart from one another by my parents. Just when things could have been amazing…
No, it would have ended eventually anyway, I remind myself. He would have moved on.
I wonder if his newest squeeze is here with him today. If so, I will leave the reception early, citing Freddie as the reason why. I will get the hell out of here and never come back again. It’s probably best that I do leave early anyway because I have a secret baby that I definitely can’t tell him about now.
I could have told him right away, I could have told him a little while later, but now Freddie is two years old and it’s been far too long. There isn’t a chance in hell that I can tell him now.
Fuck. I stiffen my spine as his head turns. It happens in slow motion yet it’s too quick for me to react and drag my eyes away. Josiah brings his eyes to me like a magnet and we connect. Holy fuck.
My whole body reacts. It’s like a fire igniting deep in my system, causing flames to lick all over me. It’s like I’m not even in the church anymore, I’m somewhere else entirely, with just me and him. Josiah flickers with recognition too, but I don’t know what he feels. I can’t see anything in his eyes aside from shock.
I suck in a breath and hold it. It looks like he is doing the same. The rest of the world swims around us, the wedding turns in to nothingness. I can’t even hear the minister talking, never mind the vows.
This was a mistake. I want to bolt and run. I wish I could escape but I can’t. I shouldn’t be here.
Finally, Josiah is the one to break the eye contact. I don’t know how long we’re looking at one another for, it felt like forever, but now that the moment is broken it must have been over in a second. I gasp and catch my breath, the dizziness overcoming me as finally it’s over. But I know it isn’t over. I know that Josiah will come for me, there’s no hiding away from it. Even if he is with his girlfriend he will come over and speak to me. He will probably want to know what’s happened, where I’ve been all this time, and I will have to lie.
Shit, I am no good at lying, it hasn’t ever been my strong suit. I should probably be better at it now because of all the time I spent lying while sneaking around with Josiah, but I haven’t. It still feels uncomfortable to even consider being fake, it snakes angrily through me, hurting me all over.
“I now pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride.”
Wow, that went quick. Or did it? The church explodes in to cheers and I force myself to join in as Sian and Adam connect lips for the very first time as husband and wife. I came here to see my brother get married and I managed to miss all of it because of him again. Why do I always let Josiah consume me? This is why it’s easier for me to live somewhere else, so I don’t ever have to think about it.
“We might need to be in some of the wedding pictures,” Mom reminds me. “So, we better go.”
Pictures? Shit, Josiah will be in the photographs too. I might even need to stand close to him. Fucking hell, how the hell am I going to hide my feelings for him in front of everyone now.
“Come on.” Mom narrows her eyes at me. “What are you doing, Paisley? It’s time to go. Adam will be waiting outside, and we don’t want to let him down.”
“Yep, right.” I gulp noisily. “I’m coming.”
17
Josiah
Fuck… panic jolts through my system. Fuck, fuck, fuck…
I knew that I would see Paisley today, there wouldn’t be any escaping it. After avoiding me for three long years, giving me absolutely no sign that she wanted anything to do with me, I tried to prepare myself for seeing my lost love yet again. But nothing could have prepared me, there are no words for how seeing her has made me feel. I have tried to move on, to forget about her, to pretend we never happened… but it hasn’t worked.
Now that I’m looking at her once more I know all the women that I have casually dated are nothing compared to her. No one ever will be. She’s my one, and if I don’t get to have her, I won’t ever find love again.
My heart pounds hard as if it stopped beating the moment she left me, and it’s only just restarted. All the blood flows freely through my body, my stomach aches and yearns, every part of me wants to touch her once more. She is so close as well, that’s what makes it harder. She is within reaching distance, but I can’t touch her. I haven’t had her in my eye line for a very long time and it’s killing me that I can’t just run to her.
Her mom takes her arm and leads her from the church, dragging her away from me. I panic, I can’t help myself, I’m consumed by unbridled terror. The last time I watched Paisley walk away from me I didn’t see her again, she went off to start her job and she hasn’t looked back. I can’t stop myself from feeling sickly abandoned, a separation anxiety that I can’t shake off. I have to really remind myself to be cool, calm and collected. This isn’t the same thing at all. We aren’t together anymore, clearly, and also, she will be at the wedding reception anyway. This is her brother’s wedding, she will definitely be there, so I will be able to speak to her if I want to.
Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Of course, I want to. I haven’t w
anted anything more.
But for now, I need to remember where I am and what I’m doing. I cannot lose my head now. I walk outside, following the rest of the people exiting the building, and I go to find my best friend with his new bride.
“Congratulations, buddy,” I say with a shaky voice as I pat Adam on the shoulder. “A married man now.”
“I know.” His bright smile lights up the whole room. “It feels really great. Now it’s time for the photos.”
The idea of the photos pisses me off. I can’t deal with that right now, not when I want to speak to Paisley, but again I don’t have any choice. I need to do what is expected of me as the best man.
“Photos great.” I smile thinly. “That sounds great. Let’s go and do it.”
We head to the back of the church where there is a really nice field of flowers for the photos to be taken in. They do a lot of couple shots first, looking incredibly in love. The photographers seem absolutely enamored by them so spends a while getting their best angles. I fold my arms across my chest and watch them both with a grin, barely even noticing that Adam and Sian’s family are nearby, waiting to be included in the shots.
Well, I don’t notice at first. Not until there is a strange creeping sensation up the back of my neck which makes me spin around quickly. There she is again, making me melt in to a fucking puddle at her feet. The woman that I love. She pointedly swings her eyes away from me, but it doesn’t matter. Now I am aware of her.
“Okay, we will do some shots with the family now.”
The photographer gathers us all around then and arranges us where he wants us to be. I’m in some and not in others, and so is Paisley. I don’t know about anyone else, I’m barely aware of them at all.
Then the last picture comes with all of us in. This one seems to take forever because the photographer is insistent that everyone needs to be in the right position. I try to keep away from Paisley, for now, this doesn’t feel like the right time for us to connect, but fate has a different idea for us. He positions us right next to one another, commenting under his breath that we look good next to one another.
Yeah, you have no idea, mate, I want to comment. We feel good together as well.
Paisley keeps her eyes fixed firmly forward towards the camera, so I do the same. Other people are talking quietly around us, but we aren’t. Not with words anyway. There is definitely something being communicated with our bodies. A sizzling chemistry that reminds me of how good it feels to have her body next to mine.
It’s even more difficult than ever to keep my hands off of her now.
“Hi,” I whisper, once the picture has been taken. Just a simple greeting to start a communication.
She doesn’t respond at first, and I start to think that she isn’t ever going to. Maybe it isn’t just that she never wants to be with me again, maybe she doesn’t even want to speak to me either. I don’t like that; I will have to have it out with her if that’s the case. I don’t ever think I did anything wrong. I know that the relationship might have gotten a bit too complicated for her which is why she felt the need to scarper, but I didn’t upset her.
“Hello,” she eventually replies coolly, just before walking off and leaving me by myself.
I smile to myself as I watch her leave, admiring the curve of her body as she goes. I’m truly pleased with the reaction, even if she didn’t exactly sound over the moon to hear from me. She was okay to speak to me which means I can find her later and discuss with her even more, get some truths at long last. Even if it’s just for closure, I at least need that much to get my life back. It might not be much, but it’s a start…
* * *
Dinner soon becomes drinks and dancing, finally, the atmosphere becomes more relaxed which is what I’ve been waiting for. Much as I want to grab Paisley and just demand what I need to know, I have to be careful. I don’t want anyone to know that there’s something between us, even now. It took me and Adam a while to get our friendship back to where it needed to be, and I don’t want to ruin it. Especially when it might not happen.
But that’s all over now, people are finally letting their hair down and it’s time for me to go on a hunt to find her. I haven’t seen her for a while, but I have a funny feeling that she is still here.
I stand at the bar with my drink clutched between my fingers and I dart my eyes around the room to find her. I get smiles from everywhere, people with open body language inviting me in for a conversation, but I ignore them. I’m only looking for one set of eyes and I won’t stop until I find them.
Eventually standing where I am isn’t enough, so I move around the room to look for her. I weave through the crowds, staring over the tops of everyone’s heads. I don’t want to lose hope, but I can feel it ebbing away from me, fading by the second. Maybe she has left early for some reason and that ‘hello’ was all it was. Just a little comment to be polite, and now she wants nothing more to do with me.
“Fucking hell,” I mutter under my breath. “Don’t piss me off world.”
Then I see her, or at least I see a shock of red hair which makes my heart leap up into my chest. She’s standing in the corner of the room, trying to blend into the wall paper. She doesn’t want to be seen but she’s so gorgeous that I would see her however much she tried to hide away. I smile to myself and take a step closer to her.
I take giant strides towards her, closing the gap rapidly, and a warmth over comes me the nearer I get. This feel right, this feels exactly where I’m supposed to be. Connecting with Paisley once more. Even all the pain that I suffered because of her leaving vanishes, I’m just glad to finally have her back here again.
“Well, well, well,” I start in a teasing tone of voice to let her know that I come in peace. She looks up at me with sheer shock in her eyes which almost makes me chuckle loudly. “Fancy seeing you here.”
“Erm, yeah… I’m here…” She almost doesn’t know what to say which is cute.
“So, you are, and I’m here too.” I lean against the wall next to her. “So, I think we should talk.”
“T… talk?” All the color drains from her face. “What, erm, what do you want to talk about?”
I laugh. “It doesn’t need to be all serious. I don’t want to fall out or anything. I just want to talk to you. I have missed talking to you,” I admit very honestly. “We used to talk a lot, didn’t we?”
She can’t resist, a small smile creeps up the corners of her lips. “Yeah, we did.”
“I think that’s the thing I missed most when you went away to work…” I’m digging for answers, but it seems from the noncommittal noise that she makes that she isn’t ready to give it. “All the talking.”
I feel like a moth pulled into a flame around her. I’m stuck beside her, I cannot leave. Not that I want to, I’m a drug addict getting a hit after three long years. I’m going to make it a good one. Especially as I’m pretty sure I can feel our connection brewing once more. Paisley is icy, trying to keep me out, but she’s thawing regardless.
“I’m sure you have found plenty of other people to… talk to.”
“Huh? What do you mean?” What does she know? It seems like she’s heard something…
“Adam told me that you have been dating. I’m surprised that you don’t have someone here.”
“Did you ask Adam?” I demand, ignoring her other little remark.
“No, he just told me… you know what Adam is like.” She smiles to herself. “So, I’m glad to hear you’re happy.” I want to snort. Do I look happy? I haven’t been happy since she left me. “It’s good.”
“Paisley, I am not here with anyone tonight, I am very much alone, so why don’t we change that, and you dance with me, hmm?” I send a wink her way. “We never went out dancing before.”
“We did dance once; don’t you remember? At that New Year’s Eve party?”
I nod. Of course, I remember, I think about it every New Year’s Eve. That was one of the most incredible nights of my life. “Yeah, but this is we
dding dancing,” I tease. “Not night club dancing.”
“Hmm, I don’t know if I’m very good at wedding dancing. That’s what I’m afraid of.”
I hold out my hand to her, but she doesn’t take it right away. I can see the same fear in her eyes that she always had when she was afraid that we would get caught. “We’re allowed to dance here,” I remind her. “It’s okay.”
She nods slowly, not quite sure if my words are right, but eventually, she takes my hand in hers. I lead her out on to the dance floor and find a place in the middle, so we aren’t on the outskirts for people to admire her, and I hold my arms out to her. She stands slightly closer to me, but not so much that we’re actually touching. I lay my hand on her shoulder and waist, in the proper way that everyone else is dancing, and we start to move in time with the music. There’s a real stiffness to Paisley’s body, she hasn’t relaxed at all, but that doesn’t matter. This is already the closest that we’ve been in a long time and it has a strange dream like quality to it. I just have a feeling that she will calm down soon. Hopefully, once she realizes that no one is interested in us.
“Are you okay?” I ask her quietly, forcing her eyes to look up at me. As our eyes connect, I get a strong sense of déjà vu. But not just of one occasion, of all the times I’ve had her in my arms.
“I’m fine.” She nods and smiles weakly. “This is just a little bit weird, that’s all.”
“I know it is. But good weird. Don’t you think?” I hold my breath, waiting for a reply.
“Yeah, I guess so… I just didn’t think I would spend tonight dancing with you.”
“I didn’t either.” That’s all too honest. “I hoped, I’ll be honest about that.”
“You did?”
The smile that comes across her face then is serene and beautiful. I can tell that she’s really happy to hear that. Did she really think that I just forgot about her? That I didn’t want her every damn day? Now, looking at her, I think my decision to let her go and not chase after her was the wrong one. I should have ignored all my doubts and just looked for her. Even if she sent me away at least I would have known for sure.
