by Lucy Gage
Oh, it was all in the name of charity and good. Or so he told himself and me. But it’s at the expense of a woman who doesn’t deserve to deal with the Lawson family bullshit.
Well, I won’t abide this. I won’t let the rivalry between my father and his brother ruin my life again. It cost me my first love and years of happiness since then. I’ve tasted the recompense for that, and fuck, I can’t—won’t—give it up.
Not this time.
I want Meredith more than I’ve wanted anyone in years. And until I’d arrived in New York, I hadn’t realized how much I looked forward to being a junior partner at this firm.
It seems like I can’t have both.
No matter how nice she was to me last night, or how explosive our chemistry, I suspect Meredith won’t give me a fraction of an inch. And in her eyes, I haven’t earned it, so I don’t deserve the position or her respect.
I’ll have to prove to her that I am the guy—for this job and for her.
Lucy Gage started her writing career under another name, but the same vivid imagination and love of books still fuels her daily life. When she's not writing, you can find her spending time with her family in her home state of Maine, experiencing a life that helps shape her work.
Facebook Author Page: AuthorLucyGage
Twitter: @LucyGageAuthor
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Love Square: The Remix
Copyright © 2017 by Jessica Ingro
All rights reserved.
www.jessicaingro.com
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
“Clean up in aisle five,” a nasally voice echoed throughout the store’s loudspeaker as I hustled through the electronic doors. A stiff breeze carried in behind me, causing me to wrap my wool coat a little tighter around my body. Frigid temperatures had taken over the city and left everyone—myself included—ready for winter to be over.
Snagging a shopping cart after giving a tight smile to the greeter, I navigated through the aisles grabbing things like garlic, cans of tomatoes and boxes of pasta. A pen between my teeth, I went as quickly as possible down my list of proscribed items—I was on a mission to finally get a chance to soak in the bath with a bottle of wine after all. With one last item to cross off, I headed to the butcher counter to get the rest of the items I needed for Christmas Dinner.
Fifteen minutes later, my list was empty but my cart was full. I was on my way to the checkout, when a last minute craving for some chocolate ice cream had me making a pit stop in the freezer aisle.
I really didn’t have time for a detour. Those days my time came at a premium. That’s what happened when you were a divorced mother of a precocious toddler. Gone were the days of pedicures and facials, long visits to the gym, and girl’s night out. Instead I went to bed exhausted most nights, falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
I was staring at the Rocky Road, debating whether or not I wanted to add in a pint of Mint Chocolate Chip, when a familiar voice startled me out of my reverie.
“Sam? Is that you?”
With my heart in my throat, I slowly turned towards the voice. Towards the man who claimed my heart as a teenager, won it again as an adult and then stomped all over it.
Why did I have to stop for the damn ice cream?
The door to the freezer case closed with a thud, leaving me standing face to face with the one man I didn’t think I’d ever see again.
He looked good, though I hated to admit it. His dark hair was disheveled, his cheeks pink from the cold outside, his green eyes sparkling and his smile luminescent.
Taking him in, I suddenly felt frumpy. I hadn’t put much makeup on that morning and I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had gummy bears in my hair. My black leggings felt mundane and my red v-neck sweater boring. It was one of those moments when you wished the universe would swallow you up whole.
Clearing my throat, I forced my voice not to squeak when I responded with a curt, “Jacob.”
“It’s good to see you,” he said right before engulfing me in a huge hug. Despite the fact that he looked cold, he was warm as his body wrapped around mine. So many thoughts and feelings came swirling back, and I forced myself to put some distance between us before they could completely overwhelm me.
Jacob looked slightly taken aback by my sudden need for space, but I couldn’t care about that. My heart had taken enough of a beating over the last couple years. I would do well to remember that.
“How have you been?” Jacob studied my face as he waited for my answer. Just as he always did, he left me feeling stripped bare. Like he could see through me. See the real me. The me I was only now discovering existed.
“Good. You?” Good one Sam, I silently berated myself, way to carry on a conversation.
“Better now that I’ve seen you.” He cleared his throat and looked a bit unsure for a moment before continuing. “I’ve been wanting to reach out to you, but I thought it was for the best that I left you to your life. After everything that happened between us, and then Brooke…” He trailed off when I flinched at her name and I watched his throat bob as he swallowed.
Nearly three years before, in a moment of weakness—or maybe it was clarity, I couldn’t be sure—I succumbed to temptation and had an affair with Jacob. At the time I was married to my college sweetheart, Aiden, while Jacob was single. My heart ultimately torn between the two men, I found myself on a precipice. Afraid to leave, yet afraid to stay trapped in the life I was used to. There were so many unknowns and I was scared that if I left Aiden, I would end up alone. That I might one day regret the decision I made after learning the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
I didn’t need to make my decision though. Jacob began his own affair—with Brooke Dugan. The woman was a viper and toxic on every level, yet she was the one he chose in the end. For my part, I slinked back to the man whose ring was on my finger. After learning I was pregnant, I thought we could make it—really make it. It felt like the universe was giving me a sign to stick it out and make it work. Instead, we imploded six months after our daughter was born.
“I’m not so sure we have anything to talk about,” I told him honestly.
“I think we do.”
“I suppose we will have to agree to disagree.” I tucked my hair behind my ear before placing my hands on the cart and steering around him. “It was nice to see you, Jacob.”
As I started toward the checkout line, I felt a surge of pride in myself. For not allowing passion to override my thoughts as it once had. For not allowing the desire for something more to cloud my judgment. I was in control of my destiny and I’d be damned if I let someone or something take that from me again.
Five feet from the checkout, I was brought up short by a hand on my elbow. Spinning around, I collided with Jacob’s chest.
“We need to talk, Sam,” he stressed in a low tone.
I huffed out an annoyed breath of air and shook my head. “I think we’ve said all that needs to be said. Go home, Jacob. Go home to Brooke and pretend we never saw each other.”
“I can’t go home to Brooke,” he said quickly.
“Why? Did she leave you?” Wouldn’t that be just desserts? A small part of me wished that were the case… okay, maybe a large part of me. And maybe I was going to go to hell for being so petty.
“In a manner of speaking.” His eyes darted around to the small crowd we were drawing before coming back to me. Wh
en they did, I saw sadness there. My curiosity was piqued and I hungered for more information. Damn curiosity. “Can we please just talk? Let me say what needs to be said and if you still want to leave, then I promise to never bother you again.”
Seeing only sincerity in his eyes, I made the rash decision to hear him out. I nodded once and turned back to the checkout. Jacob helped put my items on the conveyor belt in silence before carrying them out of the store.
I had a feeling I was going to be sorry for not getting that ice cream after all.
“Okay. I’m listening.”
Sweating inside the confines of my SUV, even though the temperature was a mere thirty degrees outside, I was a nervous wreck. Being this close to Jacob and not being completely in control of the situation was doing me in. I blew out a breath as he started to talk, hoping it would ease my anxiety.
“Brooke’s gone.” He said it so lowly, I almost didn’t hear him.
“Gone where?” Pure vindictive spite had me internally happy dancing at the fact that she really did leave him. Was it wrong of me to not want them to have their happily ever after when mine had fallen apart so spectacularly? Probably, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from rejoicing in it just the same.
“She’s dead,” he blurted out and I began choking on my saliva.
Jacob patted me on the back as I regained my composure. I couldn’t have felt more like an ass than I did in that moment, for just seconds before I was delighting in the fact that she probably had left him.
“Oh my God, Jacob. I’m so sorry. Was she… was she sick?” I had to keep myself from reaching for him. The shadows in his eyes spoke of so much pain. It was my natural instinct to want to soothe him. To love him until his worries were nothing but a distant memory.
He let out a humorless laugh before explaining. “She took her own life. She was bi-polar and had stopped taking her meds.”
“Holy shit,” I breathed in horror.
“Yeah,” he muttered. “It wasn’t long after you had your baby. I don’t—no, I can’t—go into details. It was a really hard time. I lost it when she died. Blamed myself for not being there for her the way I should have been. For not being the man she needed me to be.”
“You can’t blame yourself.” My hand wrapped around his on his thigh. It wasn’t a romantic touch, but rather a comforting one. He laced his fingers with mine and stared out the windshield.
I sat in silent support as he collected his thoughts. This was his conversation and I was willing to give him the time he needed in order to steer it where he wanted it to go.
“It was always you, Sam. Brooke knew it. I knew it. Neither of us wanted to admit it to the other. I can’t help but think that if I had just been man enough to say it out loud that maybe things would have ended differently.”
I didn’t know enough about the situation one way or the other, but putting myself in Jacob’s shoes, I could see why he would wonder if that would be the case. And as far it always being me, my silly heart jumped at the notion of it, even though my head said it was crap. If that were the case, then why did he tell me he wanted to make a go of it with her instead of choosing me?
“Earlier… when you pushed back your hair… I noticed you weren’t wearing your ring,” he said several minutes later. His chin dipped towards my left hand and my eyes went there as well. It had been eight months since I took my wedding rings off and I still felt bare without them. Funny the things you get used to.
“No, I’m not,” I confirmed.
“And Aiden?”
“He’s not, either,” I again confirmed. I didn’t bother to elaborate, but it wasn’t hard for him to connect the dots either.
“Who?”
“It was me. I… I just couldn’t keep living a lie. I needed more than what Aiden had to offer. He’s such a great father and I hate that he can’t see his daughter all the time, but I couldn’t continue playing second fiddle to his job. No matter how many times I told him what I wanted, he never really gave it to me.”
“I’m sorry.” He squeezed my hand and we fell into that companionable silence once again, both of us getting lost in our own thoughts and regrets. And even though our truths had long been spoken, we still kept that physical connection as we watched the world outside the window.
“I thought you were happy. I picked up the phone so many times, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. As long as you were happy, then I knew I had to leave you alone,” he admitted into the quiet.
“I probably wouldn’t have taken the call regardless. I was so mad at you, Jacob. Completely devastated that you chose Brooke over me,” I admitted. That old resentment bubbling up in me all over again.
“She was pregnant.”
I gasped as an old pain sliced through my insides. There was a time when I had wanted it to be me building a life and a family with him. At one point, I even thought my daughter might be his. The idea of another person carrying Jacob’s baby made me sick to my stomach.
“She had a miscarriage and things were never really the same after that,” he went on as if my heart wasn’t breaking. “Sometimes I lie to myself and say if she hadn’t taken her own life, I would have left her of my own accord.” He shook his head and let out a self-deprecating laugh. “What a fool. I’m such an idiot.”
“I think it’s safe to say we both were.”
“Maybe,” he conceded.
His head fell back on the headrest and he closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he turned his head towards me and leveled me with a gaze that made me want to squirm.
“Do you think it’s possible for people to get a second chance?” His voice was low and the words sent a rush down my spine, leaving goosebumps in its wake.
“You had your second chance,” I whispered, unable to find my voice.
“Third chance then,” he pressed.
His question had a range of emotions running through me—anger, sadness, excitement, fear, and disbelief. They all swirled together to form a lead ball that settled in my stomach.
There was no going back for us. I needed to focus on myself and my daughter, Tessa. Those were my priorities. And everyone knew you were doomed to repeat your past mistakes if you didn’t learn from them. I liked to think I had learned every lesson possible in the wake of my affair and subsequent divorce.
“Not if they know what’s good for them,” I semi-joked, not wanting to strain the conversation with all I was thinking.
“Third times a charm?” He tried again with that charismatic grin of his that always made me agree with him.
“Fool me once….”
I trailed off when his hand released mine, only to cup my cheek. His head dipped closer and he brushed his nose along the side of mine. It was so warm and familiar.
I froze.
I didn’t know if I could handle this. It was all too sudden—running into Jacob unexpectedly after all this time and now this. When he muttered “baby” longingly and lightly brushed his lips against mine, I pulled back as if scalded. His hand dropped to the center console and disappointment washed over his face. Like a fool I felt my heart squeezing in sympathy.
No.
This needed to end.
I was healing.
I was finally finding myself.
Don Henley’s voice echoed in my head as he sang, “Don’t look back. You can never look back.”
“I’m sorry, Jacob. This can’t happen.”
“Yes, it can.” He persisted. I had forgotten how determined he could be. How easily I had let my once foolish heart give in. And I knew right then it would be so easy to give in again. To lean forward and press my lips to his in invitation. To have his hand travel down to my neck and…
“No, it can’t. I have to go. I need to get Tessa from the sitter.” It was a white lie. Tessa was with Aiden for the weekend, but it served its purpose because Jacob reached for the handle of the door with a muttered curse.
Unfolding from t
he car, he raked his hands through his hair before turning back and ducking his head in the door. He studied me for a moment, but before I could say something snarky, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a business card. He tossed it on the seat beside me and said, “Think about what I said. That’s my card with my cell. I really hope you’ll call, Sam.”
As soon as the door shut, I put the car in drive and forced myself not to look in the rearview mirror at Jacob as he watched me leave.
I drove a block from the grocery store before hitting a red light. The warmth of Jacob’s lips against mine lingered. It was all I could do not to touch them. My hands trembled as I gripped the steering wheel.
God, I was such a mess.
What was I thinking letting Jacob get to me again? To even consider giving into that temptation again? I was not that young, naïve girl any longer. I refused to let her override my sanity.
You aren’t married anymore, I reminded myself. You two were good together… when you weren’t bad, that is.
I frowned at that, but still that hopeful part of me began to remember. So for just a second, I allowed it. Allowed my brain to filter through all the good things about my time with Jacob. The way we used to laugh together. The way I always felt like myself with him, not like I was trying to be who everybody wanted me to be. The way he always made me feel like I was the most important thing in his world. The way he knew my body inside and out.
Was I a fool for walking away again?
Would I regret it later on?
While we may have been toxic for one another towards the end, our sexual chemistry was off the charts. Just remembering the way his body moved over mine had me tingling all over. As an author, it was the kind of thing I wrote about, but never thought I’d have. Yet…
A car honking behind me had me focusing on the road once again. I put my foot on the accelerator still struggling with my decision. As I turned the corner, I flicked on the radio for a much needed distraction from my thoughts. Don Henley’s “Boys of Summer” filtered from the speakers.
