Royally Crushed
A Crazy Royal Love, Book 1
Melanie Summers
Indigo Group
Copyright
Copyright © 2020 Gretz Corp.
All rights reserved.
Published by Gretz Corp.
First edition
EBOOK ISBN: 978-1-988891-28-6
Paperback ISBN: 978-1-988891-29-3
No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
Cover by Victoria Cooper.
Edited by Kristi Yanta and Nancy Sway.
Proofread by Melissa Martin, Nevia Brudnicki, Laura Albert, and Kellie Porth-Bagne.
Created with Vellum
Contents
Praise For Melanie Summers
Also Available
Dedication
A Letter From The Author
Breaking News
1. From One Spare to Another …
2. Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder. Except Sometimes, When It’s Obvious to Everyone…
3. Nasty Nonagenarians in Turquoise Track Suits
4. Red Bull Strikes Again…
5. Whiny Princesses and the People Who Love Them…
6. Double-Fisting Booze and Mystery Beauties
7. Maybe Being a Princess Isn’t the Worst Thing in the World …
8. A Flurry of Uninformative Information
9. Awful P.R. People and the Princesses Who Hate Them
10. Private Jets, Defiantly Smooth Skin, and Friends Who Think This is Funny …
11. Famous Last Words
12. Don’t Lick the Yellow Ones
13. If a princess poops in the woods, is she still a princess?
14. Eighties Popstars, Soothing Tree Sap, and the Night Sky
15. Tiny Tents, Hot Men, and Other Things That Keep You Up at Night
16. There’s a Thin Line Between Lust and Hate…
17. So, I Do Want to See Under Tarzan’s Loincloth. What of It?
18. A Fork in the River
19. “Rain” in Your Feelings, You Silly Twat
20. Irresistibly Sexy Lagoon Sex
21. Deliciously Scandalous Outdoor Nude Activities
22. Time to Say Goodbye … to Sexlandia
23. I Tried Out the Jungle Detox Plan and Here’s What Happened...
24. Only Fools Rush In…
25. Score-Keeping Men, Powerful Bananas, and Hemorrhoid Cream
26. Never Break Up with a Woman While on a Long Raft Trip
27. How to Channel Your Inner Tennis Champ…
28. Broken Bones, Tree Sap, and Sappy Goodbye Videos
29. Show Him You Love Him with a DIY Stretcher…
30. Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace
31. Soft, Warm Gingerbread Cookies, Soul-Crushing Nylons, and Shocking Revelations
32. Whiny Wills and the People Who Love to Team Up on Them
33. Hiding Your Inner Warrior Princess
34. The Unmistakable Flavour of Humble Pie
35. The Modern Princess’s Guide to Making Him Love You Back
Epilogue - From One Happily Free Spare to Another …
Coming Soon
Afterword
Praise For Melanie Summers
“A fun, often humorous, escapist tale that will have readers blushing, laughing and rooting for its characters.” ~ Kirkus Reviews
A gorgeously funny, romantic and seductive modern fairy tale…
I have never laughed out loud so much in my life. I don’t think that I’ve ever said that about a book before, and yet that doesn’t even seem accurate as to just how incredibly funny, witty, romantic, swoony…and other wonderfully charming and deliriously dreamy The Royal Treatment was. I was so gutted when this book finished, I still haven’t even processed my sadness at having to temporarily say goodbye to my latest favourite Royal couple.
~ MammieBabbie Book Club
The Royal Treatment is a quick and easy read with an in depth, well thought out plot. It’s perfect for someone that needs a break from this world and wants to delve into a modern-day fairy tale that will keep them laughing and rooting for the main characters throughout the story. ~ ChickLit Café
I have to HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY RECOMMEND The Royal Treatment to EVERYONE!
~ Jennifer, The Power of Three Readers
I was totally gripped to this story. For the first time ever the Kindle came into the bath with me. This book is unputdownable. I absolutely loved it.
~ Philomena (Two Friends, Read Along with Us)
Very rarely does a book make me literally hold my breath or has me feeling that actual ache in my heart for a character, but I did both.”~ Three Chicks Review for Netgalley
Also Available
ROMANTIC COMEDIES by Melanie Summers
The Crown Jewels Series
The Royal Treatment
The Royal Wedding
The Royal Delivery
Paradise Bay Series
The Honeymooner
Whisked Away
The Suite Life
WOMEN’S FICTION by Melanie Summers
The After Wife
STEAMY OFFERINGS by MJ Summers
The Full Hearts Series
Break in Two
Don’t Let Go – Prequel to Breaking Love - E-book only
Breaking Love
Letting Go - Prequel to Breaking Clear & The Break-up
Breaking Clear
Breaking Hearts
The Break-up
Dedication
For medical professionals the world over:
While the rest of us sit on our couches and whine about feeling ‘cooped up,’ you’re showing up every day, whether at a hospital or a converted hotel, working yourselves to exhaustion.
You show up, even though there will be too many patients, too many horrific decisions, and too many tears.
You show up knowing there won’t be nearly enough of everything you need to save each person who looks up at you with fear and hope in their eyes.
You show up knowing you’re risking your own life and whatever beautiful future lies ahead for you.
I hope when this nightmare ends, you’ll still be here so the rest of us can thank you in person.
With immeasurable gratitude,
Melanie
A Letter From The Author
Dear Reader,
It’s been just over two years since we left the Langdon family—Prince Arthur, Tessa, Princess Arabella, Gran, and King Winston. I knew I wanted to write a book (or two) about the lovely, sweet Arabella, who desperately needs to break out of her shell. But for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out who her perfect match would be. Then one day, while working on the Paradise Bay series, it struck me like lightning—Will Banks! And I just knew.
I had planned on making the third Paradise Bay book about him, but as soon as I knew who he was meant for, it was also clear to me that these two would need their own series. There is just too much deliciously rich conflict for them to sort through. #evilauthorfun
Anyhoo, you can most definitely read this book as a standalone. No problem with that at all. It should make you laugh, swoon a little, and feel good. BUT, if you’re a person who likes to read in order so you’re in on all the private jokes, and can say to yourself, �
��Well, that comment is just so Gran, isn’t it?” then I recommend going back and reading the following books in the following order first: The Royal Treatment, The Royal Wedding, The Royal Delivery, The Honeymooner, Whisked Away, and The Suite Life. That will bring you up to speed on everything that’s happened in the crazy, fun, romantic world I’ve created. But if you’re all, “Hey, Mel, that’s too many books, and I just want to read this one, mmkay?” that’s cool too. You go, girl. Or boy. Or they. You go, too. Do your thang. Read what you want to read in whatever order you want to read it. S’all good.
Okay, I’ll sign off now because you didn’t buy this book so you could read some boring letter from me. You bought it so you can escape the real world, which can be kind of scary and sometimes a little nasty. And escape you shall, my friend …
All the very best in life to you and yours,
Melanie
P.S. I’ve read that the prince formerly known as Prince Harry had a nickname given to him by his friends from school. Apparently, they call him Spike, which is something you’ll need to know in about two pages. ;)
Breaking News
Avonian Broadcast Network Morning Newscast Featuring Veronica Platt
Tuesday, April 7th - Valcourt, Avonia
“Good day and welcome to Avonia This Morning. I'm Veronica Platt. Today’s top story—the global toilet paper shortage is causing bidets to go flying off shelves at hardware stores all over Europe, and things are about to get messy.” Veronica, the beautiful brunette anchor dressed in a white button-up shirt and ivory pearls, pauses dramatically. “But first, the entire kingdom has wedding fever, and no, it's not a royal wedding this time, but it might as well be, because Avonia’s own king of fiction, Pierce Davenport, is set to marry here in Valcourt in just four days’ time. Giles Bigly is live on location in front of St. Stephen’s Church. Giles, would you like to tell us what's going on?”
The screen splits into two halves, showing Giles on the left and Veronica on the right.
“Well, Veronica, as usual, you just did.” Giles laughs maniacally. “Yes, the big news around the kingdom is the wedding of the second son of Lord Alistair and Lady Bunny Davenport. His grandfather, of course, was the founder of Davenport Communications, the U.K.’s largest telecom, digital cable, and satellite provider. He may come from one of the most powerful families in the kingdom, but Pierce is a force to be reckoned with in his own right. He’s the author of the immensely popular Clash of Crowns fantasy series that has been turned into one of the world’s most-watched television series. This Saturday, he’ll be right here in St. Stephen’s behind me, marrying his long-time girlfriend, Emma Banks, renowned chef and inventor of the Carib-Asian food craze. The happy couple live in the Benavente islands near her family’s resort, where she works as head chef.”
“Yes, Giles, I know that,” Veronica says in a sugary tone. “I’ve actually been there to feature the Paradise Bay Resort, as well as Emma Banks, on our show.”
Giles stiffens slightly. “I’m fully aware of that, Veronica. It was the one time you agreed to go live on location. In the Caribbean. Instead of, say, that time I had to go to the Canadian Arctic in the dead of winter to do that piece on the effects of climate change on polar bears. I was merely providing Ms. Banks’s backstory to our viewers who may have missed your hard-hitting piece on an all-inclusive resort.”
Veronica laughs gaily. “Righto. Of course. Now, Giles, any word as to why they decided to get married here, rather than in Emma's home country?” Veronica asks.
“Actually, Veronica, Ms. Banks was born here in Avonia. She moved to the Caribbean at the age of seven when her parents were killed in an automobile accident. Her uncle, the original owner of the resort, took her and her brothers in, and raised them.”
“Oh, how sad. Is that why they’ve come back here for the big day? To bring Emma back in touch with her roots?”
“Not sure, really. Pierce Davenport is notoriously private, so the couple hasn’t made any type of public statement. But one could speculate that it’s perhaps a way to appease the Davenports since Pierce and Emma live full time on Santa Valentina Island. Or it could simply be that it's much easier to have a few people travel halfway across the world than to expect hundreds of people to do so. It’s rumoured that several members of the royal family will be in attendance, as well as the entire cast and crew of NBO’s Clash of Crowns, which will make Valcourt quite the spot for stargazing, if you will.”
“Speaking of stars, we here at ABN have a special connection with Ms. Banks’s younger brother, Will. He’s the host of The Wild World, which, for those who haven’t seen it yet, offers an exciting blend of extreme sports, survival tips, and a chance to get a look at some of the most remote and dangerous places on the planet.” Veronica grins at the camera. “Will can really do it all—with his in-depth knowledge of nature and his penchant for risk-taking. They start filming the third season in the next few weeks, and I, for one, cannot wait to see what death-defying things he’ll get up to this time around.”
“If you’re lucky, perhaps he'll pop into to the studio to say hello,” Giles says. “I'm sure you’d love that, Veronica.”
“Not sure exactly what that’s supposed to mean, Giles, but I see I’m out of time to unpack your latest passive-aggressive comment.”
“If either of us is passive-aggressive, it’s definitely—”
Feed cuts and commercial for Unicorn Gold Toilet Spray starts up.
1
From One Spare to Another …
Princess Arabella
Valcourt Palace, Valcourt, Kingdom of Avonia
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Dear Spike,
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve been in touch. I’m sure you won’t hold it against me, since you’re one of very few people on the planet who understand a life of constantly running from pointless thing to pointless thing, morning, noon, and night.
Anyway, how’s my fellow ‘just in case’ friend? And how is little Archie doing? I bet he’s almost ready to walk. And what’s life like in Canada? I heard there are no mosquitoes on Vancouver Island. Is that true? Because if it is, that sounds like utter paradise. They’re already out in full force this spring, so we’re in for another summer of slapping at the little bastards (discreetly, of course, so as to hide the fact that they like blue blood as much as the red variety).
Cone of Silence: Now that you live among the Canadians, you probably have a much better idea whether they’re actually as friendly as they seem or if it’s all a big act. I have a secret theory that Canadians are every bit as ornery as the rest of us, but they’re much better at hiding it under a cloak of politeness that allows them to be well received wherever they go. Do tell, because I simply must know if I’m right.
I still cannot BELIEVE you got out! Seriously! After all these years of talking about it, you finally did it. I bow to you, sir. I’m seriously blown away by your tenacity (and Meghan’s as well). You two are the perfect power couple—superheroes fighting injustice, racism, and the paparazzi everywhere you go. Well done to you both. I wish I had one tenth of your courageous spirit. Perhaps you could lend me a bit so I can finally have a taste of freedom.
Life is much the same for me, only worse. I’ve hit the dreaded phase of ‘you’re almost thirty and you’re a woman so you must find a man to marry before it’s too late and you turn into a shriveled up old maid and never procreate on behalf of the monarchy.’ It started literally one week after my twenty-ninth birthday, and it seems everyone wants to get in on the fun, from all the senior advisers (who can suck it) to the media (who can also suck it) to my family (who I’m very close to telling to suck it).
I’ll be at Pierce Davenport’s wedding this weekend and have already been given dossiers on six eligible men that will be in attendance. SMH. I don’t know who put the list together, but honestly, horrid! Remember the fellow we nicknamed Hal, as in halitosis? Yeah, he’s on the list. Quite a m
ystery as to why he’s still single. Although I guess I’m single, too, so I shouldn’t talk.
To update you, I submitted the proposal we discussed for me to serve as patron for the Avonian Mental Wellness and Suicide Prevention Foundation, but was told it would be ‘too challenging for someone of my delicate disposition and sensitivities.’ Instead, they’ve added the Valcourt Civil Service Sports Council to my duties. It’s an organization that provides sporting opportunities for civil servants (which I find confusing because, surely if they have the mental capacity to get a job, they can also sort out their own exercise requirements). In light of being turned down for the wellness initiative, I thought I might put in that proposal about the Equal Everywhere Campaign that Meghan and I were chatting about. Hopefully they won’t think me too delicate to work on that project.
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