My cheeks burned. “Whatever you say.”
It was true I’d been the one to take the call, but Sienna didn’t need any convincing. I was just grateful that the underlying anger and disappointment I’d felt from her since our divorce was finally dissipating. For her to joke about my temperament was rare, but had been happening more the past year, which told me we had gotten over that hurdle and she didn’t need to sling mud at me quite so much anymore. Even though I’d take any amount she wanted to hurl after what I’d put her through.
I could feel Julian studying me again, and damn it, had Sienna not been there, I might’ve been brave enough to give it right back, like we’d done the other night. But this was out in the open, so probably not a good idea. Besides, nothing good could come of it anyway.
“Huh, who knew,” Julian said, a bite of humor in his tone. “I’ll be sure to make fun of you for that later.”
Sienna snickered. “I’ll definitely join in.”
Luckily, just then George gave the low whistle he used with the horses, and the attention was drawn away from me. He was excellent with them, they trusted him, and it looked like Mercy would be coming along just fine as he listened to George’s instructions to move along to graze in another area of the pasture. By the end of the afternoon, they would have covered every square inch of the meadow. We watched for a while as George led another horse out to join Mercy at the opposite end of the paddock from Ainsley, who had already finished up with Dr. Barnes. They stood talking near Piper like they usually did after sessions as Ainsley fed her horse bits of fruit.
“Look at you. You’re drawn to him,” Sienna said, apparently noticing as well how in tune Julian seemed to be to our newest rescue.
“Guess I am,” he admitted with a snicker. “He’s gorgeous, which I’ve never in my life said about a horse.”
“Only takes one,” she said in a singsong voice and then strode off to the chicken coop.
“What does that mean?” Julian asked, watching her holler something to George and wave.
“Oh, just a saying we have round here,” I replied, recalling the adage I’d heard as a child. Especially when my parents and I decided on a horse to train with as a kid. Not that Julian was choosing a horse. But maybe he was, in his own way. “Only takes one horse to get their hooks in you. Before you know it, you fall in love with them all.”
“Oh my God.” He shook his head. “I’m not in love with a horse.”
“In like?” I asked, and he grinned, dipping his head in an endearing way. “No shame in enjoying animals.”
“I think we’ll have to date first before I decide if I’m in love with him. He needs to treat me right.” He sniffed airily, and my smile only widened.
Hmm, maybe my initial thoughts weren’t that far off. “Does that mean you’d be willing?”
He drew back. “Willing to what?”
Okay, maybe I’d pushed too hard. “Relax, I only meant willing to meet Mercy, not marry him.”
Right then Ainsley came running toward the gate and stepped through it with Dr. Barnes not far behind.
“Daddy, did you see me?” She launched herself in my arms.
“I sure did.” I kissed her nose, then swung her around, and the giggle it elicited made my heart squeeze painfully tight. “But now you smell like a barn.”
“I do not,” she scoffed, and I snickered as she fake-pouted.
She wiggled in my arms, and as soon as I set her down, she went running to the coop to find Sienna, no doubt to ask her the same question.
“Hi, I’m Dr. Barnes,” she said to Julian, and I felt guilty for not introducing her immediately.
“I’m Julian, Sienna’s cousin.” He threw me a cursory glance. “Nice to meet you.”
When Dr. Barnes asked where Julian was from, they delved into a conversation about New York City and how often she’d been over the years, though mostly outside of it due to one horse competition or another. Julian seemed just as in awe of her as he was of Mercy.
I noticed her eyeing the camouflage cap he sometimes wore when working outdoors. “Are you active duty?”
“No, ma’am.” His gaze swept down to his knee, and her gaze followed his, his message seeming to register in her eyes. “Honorably discharged.”
“Once a soldier, always a soldier, right?” she said, giving him a knowing look. “I’ve known many fine men in my practice.”
His eyes widened, and he swallowed thickly. “PTSD?”
She nodded. “Equine therapy works on lots of related issues.”
“So I’ve heard.” He glanced toward the paddock, and I felt like I was intruding on a private moment, so I began walking toward the farmhouse. They trailed behind me at a slower pace, continuing the conversation.
I heard snuffling, and spotted Rocket near the edge of the pasture, coming to greet me. I hadn’t ridden him in a couple of days, but I was considering it for tonight after dinner. It might help clear my head.
I reached out to pat his mane, and suddenly Mercy and Felicity were edging closer as well. Despite what some people might assume, horses enjoyed being grouped together, especially while grazing along the fields. It also helped keep them active and out in the sunshine. And Mercy definitely seemed more comfortable surrounded by the others.
“There’s a good boy,” I said as Julian and Dr. Barnes stepped up beside me.
Julian’s attention seemed drawn again to Mercy, possibly because he was now afforded a closer view.
“Ainsley told me you have a new visitor. He’s good-looking. Thoroughbred?”
“Quarter horse, if I’m not mistaken.”
She stepped forward to examine him more closely and could probably tell just by initial examination that he had a muscular neck, pointier ears, and smaller hoofs than the other breed.
“Ah, yes, I see.” When she reached out her hand, he only inched a centimeter closer to snuffle in her direction. When he saw she didn’t have a treat, he pulled back, ever cautious, which seemed to be more temperate than many of the rescues we received, at least at the beginning. Piper, for example, was way more comfortable now.
“He’ll need some time to come around,” I said, hoping Julian wouldn’t grow ever warier. Instead he seemed transfixed, even taking a step forward as if to get a better look.
“Want to feed him an apple?” Dr. Barnes asked Julian, pulling out the tote bag of treats she used with Ainsley for therapy.
He bit his lip as he studied Mercy intently. “I…I’m not sure?” he finally responded.
“Don’t push it if you’re uncertain.” She patted his shoulder. “It’s best to just observe at first if you’re feeling uncomfortable.”
“How did you know?”
“Well”—she smiled—“maybe I’m pretty okay at my job.”
“That you are,” I murmured in response, stroking Rocket’s mane.
She added, “I’ve also been around horses all my life. But not everyone has, and they can seem quite intimidating.”
“Yeah, makes sense,” Julian replied. “But I wouldn’t mind getting better at it. I am here all summer.”
Dr. Barnes and I shared a smile over his shoulder.
“Glad to hear it,” she said.
“If you spend more time around him, he’ll get to know your scent, and that’ll give you a leg up,” I told him.
“Okay, sounds about right.” He rested his elbows on the fence, seeming to relax a bit more.
I offered to walk Dr. Barnes to her car so we could discuss Ainsley’s session. Julian stayed near the enclosure after saying goodbye. I looked back once and saw how intently he was watching the horses, as if trying to understand them.
There was a vulnerability in Julian he wasn’t trying to disguise, and fuck, that was appealing. He’d been pretty open from the start, and I hadn’t expected that. It made me want to reach for him. Touch him. Reassure him. And more. So much more. And that right there was the crux of the problem.
Later that night, after Sienna and Ain
sley had gone to bed, we cracked open a couple of beers on the porch together. It wasn’t like that night when he’d had the nightmare and I’d offered him comfort, and yet it was the same sort of crackling tension times infinity.
We had no business even sitting that closely together, but neither of us attempted to pull away. We swung and talked about everything and nothing at all, like two old friends catching up. And also like new friends, discovering little things about each other, like the fact that we both waffled on college beyond the first year, not really certain if it was for either of us. Of course, he’d gone on to join the military, and I’d continued with the ranching business.
At one point, Hamlet inserted himself into the scenario by making such a fuss under Julian’s feet that he ended up on the swing as well, snoring away with his head resting on Julian’s lap. But who could blame him? I’d grown just as fond of the man.
In fact, I’d gotten so fucking hard from the steady pressure of Julian’s thigh resting flush against my own that I had to excuse myself and jerk off with a pillow over my head to muffle my groans.
13
Julian
I’d lost track of time and arrived in the kitchen at the tail end of Marta setting out sandwiches and a delicious macaroni salad for us to dig into for lunch. My knee was throbbing today, most likely from the heavy lifting I’d done with the lumber that arrived this morning, so my limp was more pronounced. I tried to play it off as I carefully sank down in my seat, so Marta wouldn’t fuss. But finally sitting down felt bone-achingly good.
George and Marta were the only two left at the table, and given the tractor waiting out front, he must’ve come in from mowing the fields. Marta always took care of everyone else first, so it was no surprise that she waited until the kitchen cleared to make herself some lunch. And even though this was her job, everyone knew it was more than that. She always put her own needs last, like the quintessential matriarch in this makeshift family.
As usual, after catching up on Marta’s mother and George’s wife—both of whom I’d gotten to know just from how fondly they spoke of them—Marta asked me about my mom and sister. Caitlin had been too busy to text between work and wedding plans, but Marta seemed to love hearing about the latter, so I gave her the latest update on her dress and any other information I’d gotten my hands on for her sake.
“I see you’ve taken a fancy to Mercy,” George said after a hearty sip of lemonade.
“I guess I have,” I replied, embarrassed he’d noticed. “I’ve never been around horses before, but there’s something sort of interesting about him.”
Not just sort of, honestly. I was drawn to that horse for no reason that made sense.
I dug into my sandwich, remembering my call with Mom last night.
“Why didn’t you ever take to horses?” I’d asked. “Was it because of that story you told me when I was a kid, about being kicked by one?”
“That was more a warning than anything, since you’d never been around them,” she’d replied, but it felt like it went deeper than that. She’d never spoken fondly of any animals that I could remember, which was probably the reason why we never had any growing up. That, and Dad being allergic, which was just as well. “I never had the urge to ride them, even though I was around them a lot. I’d always been desperate to leave that town, and now I know why. City life suits me better, which is probably the best answer I can give.”
“Makes sense.” My mind wandered again to my childhood. Caitlin and I always enjoyed visiting Dad’s relatives in Long Island because it felt like we could breathe better, which in reality was because they had a yard to play in, and it felt more spacious, whereas Mom and Dad were always perfectly fine in our brownstone in the city.
Mom cleared her throat. “Why do you ask?”
“Oh, I dunno. There’s this horse—a rescue—and I just find myself fascinated by him. It’s sort of dumb.”
“It’s not dumb. Your grandmother was that way about horses. You probably don’t remember, you were so little when she passed. But she’d always wanted to run a sanctuary.”
“Really?” I marveled at that. “Huh. I didn’t know.”
Then I told her about the equine therapist, careful not to reveal any sensitive details that Kerry shared about his daughter, nor how much I liked Dr. Barnes. Mom was liable to encourage me to sign up for my own sessions with her. Though I’d admit, since meeting her last week, her words about treating soldiers continued to resonate with me.
“Well,” George said, breaking me out of my thoughts, “anytime you want to get a closer look, you let me know.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin.
Since last week, when Kerry had mentioned being around the horses so they get to know your scent, I found myself searching for Mercy when George would take him out to exercise, or just stopping by the stables to watch him being groomed while I helped muck out a stall. It was like I saw something reflected in the damned horse’s eyes that mirrored my own. Okay, that sounded ridiculous.
“Horses can be intimidatin’ if you haven’t been around them,” George continued, “but they have a gentle nature once you understand them better.”
On cue, Hamlet snorted like he was objecting to the notion, and we all laughed. He was lying under my feet, hoping I’d drop some food his way, so I stealthily rewarded him with a bit of crust.
“Yes, of course. Pigs are loveable too,” Marta said, throwing a pointed look at me for giving in to him, then at Hamlet, likely for begging in the first place. But how could you deny that adorable face? “He’s taken quite a liking to you.”
“I’m not sure why,” I said with a smirk. It wasn’t like I went out of my way with Hamlet, but I enjoyed having him around. Especially when he followed me to the silo and kept me company—and sometimes got in the way by lying in front of the entrance. If Phoebe showed up, they generally waddled off to get in trouble together. One time on the way back for lunch, I saw them digging around the corn and bean crops and had to shoo them away.
“Animals can usually sense those with kind hearts,” Marta replied with a wink, then stood up and began gathering our empty plates to carry to the sink.
“Kerry told me that Mercy was in an accident?” I asked George in a hesitant tone. I was curious, but I wasn’t sure if the details would bum me out.
“That’s what we were told.” He cringed. “They collided with another jockey and went down, almost got trampled by the other horses in the race.”
“Damn, sounds terrible,” I replied, picturing the mayhem it must’ve caused on the track. And then the recovery time for Mercy—and of course for the jockey, but I was pretty sure he wasn’t put completely out of commission like the horse. Thankfully, Mercy was nursed back to health and taken in instead of euthanized. “What’s his nature like?”
“He’s very sweet once you get him to trust you. But it doesn’t take long. For me it was just a couple of days of treats and extra groomin’ in spots he liked,” he said with a smile. “Who doesn’t enjoy getting rubbed a little longer under the chin or behind the ears?”
As if to make his point, he reached down to Hamlet and did exactly that. For his part, the pig immediately rolled on his side, welcoming the special attention. I grinned and shook my head.
I’d definitely like some extra attention paid in certain areas, that’s for sure. If Kerry were around, I might’ve made that joke—or maybe not. His reaction might’ve been too much to handle with all the tension between us.
George grew serious. “But if there’s ever a commotion with the other animals, Mercy gets a bit skittish.”
“Maybe it reminds him of the accident?” I pondered.
George nodded. “It’s possible.”
“Just like humans,” Marta said, staring toward the window, where I’d noted Dr. Barnes’s car parked again as I stepped inside for lunch. So maybe Marta was thinking of Ainsley and her anxiety issues. Thankfully, the scrutiny wasn’t on me. By now either or both of them might’ve noticed me getting lost i
n my own head from time to time, but neither ever called me on it.
After I finished my lunch, I found myself wandering yet again over to the paddock to watch Ainsley with Dr. Barnes. This time Ainsley was finished grooming Piper and was already affixing the saddle, if that was the sequence they normally took. Maybe each action built on the previous one to get Ainsley and Piper to trust each other.
Then suddenly Kerry and Sienna were walking toward the fence together, both anxiously glancing in Ainsley’s direction.
Kerry settled beside me, and I felt the heat from his shoulder and smelled that earthy scent, which made it hard to concentrate, honestly. But this was how it had been between us lately, one or the other standing a bit too close, almost on purpose, until the tension became suffocating, at least on my end.
And that night last week… After our talk on the porch, I could’ve sworn I heard his soft moans as he rubbed one out on the other side of the bathroom door. My hand had reached for the handle, wanting to barge in on him and take over with my hand or mouth, or…fuck, whatever he wanted to offer me. Instead, I’d cut the lights and went back to bed, tossing and turning until morning.
“Did we miss it?” Kerry asked absently, staring across the paddock.
Sienna’s eyes were trained on the horse as she stood on the other side of him. “I don’t think so.”
I glanced curiously at them, wondering what the hoopla was all about, and I nearly asked, when Ainsley looked back at them and waved animatedly. Then, with Dr. Barnes’s help, her foot latched into the stirrup, and she launched herself into the saddle while grasping the reins. I could just make out Dr. Barnes’s soothing voice, encouraging her not to wiggle too much and scare the horse. Ainsley’s face had split into the biggest smile, like she was filled to the brim with sunshine and couldn’t possibly contain it.
Sensing this was a big moment—I was guessing Ainsley had earned Piper’s trust enough to finally ride her or at least sit on her—I nearly got as choked up as Sienna did as she swiped at her eyes and Kerry cleared his throat. I didn’t dare look in their direction because again, it was like I was intruding on a family moment. But I couldn’t make my feet move away either.
Have Mercy Page 10
