by Seven Steps
The next morning, I emerged from my room, looking like the old me.
Makeup fully done.
Perfect hair.
Fitted jeans with a fur lined sweater and boots with a heel.
I looked into the mirror and took in the girl who looked back at me. I felt cold. This girl was an imposter. She walked around pretending her life was perfect, even while she was falling apart.
Did I want to be this girl? This faker?
The truth was I didn’t know.
I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to be anymore. The only thing I could feel was the pain and anger in my heart whenever I thought of Ollie and Jean.
His betrayal was a slap in the face.
I put my hand up to the mirror.
“You are stronger now than you’ve ever been,” I told myself. “Don’t let him break you.”
I whispered my mantra to the girl, trying desperately to keep her from breaking down, but the truth was she was already broken.
I emerged from my room and took the elevator down to the lobby where my friends were waiting. When they saw me, they rushed over.
“Where were you yesterday?” Ariel demanded. “We called and texted and emailed. We even came over, but you wouldn’t open the door. What is going on?”
I remembered the screaming and shouts from my friends and my mom on the other side of the door. I just turned the television up louder.
I didn’t want to come out and face them. I just wanted to be alone and throw a pity part for one.
Two if you counted Raja.
“I just needed some time,” I said.
“Some time for what?” Bella asked. “What happened?”
Four sets of eyes gazed upon me, trying to understand me. Trying to help me.
I wanted to shut them out. I wanted to shut everyone out. But these were my friends. They wanted what was best for me. I’d shut them out long enough.
It was time to let them in.
And so, we sat on the couch in the lobby, and I told them everything.
My parents’ upcoming divorce.
Ollie.
The RATZ.
I spilled my guts and sobbed and wept and laid my entire imperfect life on the line for them.
It was scary.
I thought I was close to my friends before, but there is something terrifying about telling someone all your secrets. Not just the pretty ones. The deep, dark ones you thought you’d hold onto forever. I’d never done that before.
And now I was doing it with these four girls and I wasn’t sure how they’d take it.
I imagined they’d walk away.
That they’d distance themselves from me.
That they’d judge me for everything I’d hidden.
But, when I was done, they simply gathered tighter around me.
“Oh, J, I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Bella said.
“You’re so strong,” Ariel said. “You’re the strongest person I know.”
“We’re here for you,” Sophia said.
“Yes. We will always be here for you.”
My friends were here.
They knew the ugly parts of my life and they didn’t run and hide.
They stayed and comforted.
It was the first time anyone had ever done that to me before.
My parents had shut me out for so long that I guess I expected that from everyone.
But these girls, they were my rocks.
They would stick around.
And it made me feel like I could do anything.
“New plan,” Bella said. “No school. We’re going to get ice cream and see the city and hit on hot guys and go to movies and have fun.”
“We all deserve some fun,” Purity said.
“Then, we’re going to Battle of the Bands and we are going to win,” Sophia said.
They all wooted. I wooted a little too.
Rays of sunshine shone upon my dark life for the first time in what felt like a long time. It was refreshing. My friends were refreshing.
We walked out of the building and set off on our own adventure.
Ollie’s number popped up on my phone, and I hit ignore.
I didn’t want to hear his excuses or see Jean gloat.
Ollie was my past now.
A beautiful memory of a time when I was wild and reckless.
But now that was over.
A stray tear threatened, but I sniffed it back.
My tears were over.
Ollie and I were over.
But my life wasn’t over. In fact, it had just begun.
And we had a Battle of the Bands to win.
64
It was down to the final two.
Ten bands had shown up to the auditorium of the gym at Luis University to play to a crowd of over a thousand screaming rock fans.
And Blue Persia was playing first.
They sailed through the first round, playing “Bohemian Rhapsody”, a crowd favorite.
The second round was close. They did a really upbeat performance of “Sweet Child of Mine” by Guns and Roses. Bella sang the first verse like she was born for it. Cole shredded a guitar solo, and Sophia absolutely killed the ending breakdown section. I swear that girl had golden pipes.
Now, we were down to the last two.
Blue Persia versus Adrenaline, a college band that had a propensity for big rock songs with big vocals. They’d already played “Enter Sandman” by Metallica and “Hot for Teacher” by Van Halen. Now they were jamming through Ozzie Osbourne’s “Crazy Train” and the crowd was literally eating it up. They had this guitarist that must have had extra fingers or something because there was no way one guitar was playing the chords he was playing.
Sophia stood next to me, in her store-bought outfit of black leather pants and a torn, white, sleeveless T-shirt with a huge set of red lips on it. She’d layered it over a black sports bra. Her look was finished off by tall black boots and dark makeup.
At the last second, the band decided that our home sewn costumes weren’t the look they were going for, and they hit the boutiques instead in search of cooler outfits.
It was one of two major changes.
The second was the axe to the backup dancers.
All of that practice for nothing. Ariel and I were pissed.
“So, what do you think?” Sophia asked. She was nervously gripping her microphone as we watched Adrenaline rock out from the side of the stage.
I blew out a breath and crossed my arms. “I think they’re good.”
She looked at me and frowned. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. But I think you’re better.” I bumped her with my hip and smiled. “Stick to the song, and you’ll win. I know it.”
Sophia grinned and wrapped her arms around me.
“Thanks, J. For everything.”
“Don’t mention it. You’d do the same thing for me,” I said.
“In a heartbeat.”
She gave me one final squeeze as Adrenaline took their final bows. The crowds clapped and whooped like they’d just seen the best concert of their lives.
“This is it,” Sophia said. “This is what we’ve been working for.”
“You’re going to do great. Just get out there and do what you do best. Sing.”
Cole and Bella jogged ahead of us.
“That’s your cue,” I said. “Go kill it.”
Sophia bit her lip and jogged out with the rest of the band, while I took my place in the front of the crowd.
Purity, Ariel, and Eric were already standing there, cameras ready, huge smiles on their faces.
“We got this,” Ariel said. “I can feel it.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Me too.”
I closed my eyes and sent all my positive energy to the stage while the drums tapped out the opening beats of “Believer” by Imagine Dragons.
Cole sang first, his heavy, smooth voice sending shivers up my spine.
Then came Bella, taking up the second part of the ver
se, matching the intensity in Cole’s eyes.
Then Sophia stepped forward, rap singing the third part of the verse.
When they all came together, there was magic.
I could only put my hand over my heart and rock along with the raw lyrics, feeling the same pain in my heart that they belted out from the stage.
The crowd clapped and sang along, all screaming out the word, “Pain,” along with the band.
It was soul-shaking.
By the time the song was over, the crowd was deafening.
But would it be enough to win?
After a brief break for the judges to deliberate, the three main members of Blue Persia came forward, along with the five main members of Adrenaline. Then the host of the show came forward. His greased back hair reflected overhead lights.
This was it.
This was what we’d been waiting for.
I closed my eyes and pulled Purity, Ariel, and Eric closer.
“Those were some powerhouse performances, am I right?” he said into the microphone.
The crowd roared their reply.
“But, there can only be one winner.”
He held up a white card dramatically, careful to keep the results hidden from the crowd and the bands.
“One band will receive this beautiful trophy and the one-thousand-dollar check.”
My heartbeat was nearly as loud as the crowd. I was shaking with anticipation.
“Did you guys have fun tonight?” the host asked, clearly enjoying teasing the crowd.
When they screamed that they had, he grinned. “All right. Here we go. The winner of the 2018 Luis University Battle of the Bands is…”
A drumroll sounded in the distance.
The host’s eyes scanned the crowd, keeping us on the edge of our seat as the drumroll grew louder and louder.
Ariel’s hands squeezed my shoulders.
“If he doesn’t say it soon I’m going to pee myself,” Purity cried.
“The winner is…”
I couldn’t breathe. My body was filled with such nervous energy I could barely sit still.
The host took in a huge breath, then he belted out, “Blue Persia.”
I screamed in relief. Ariel, Purity, Eric, and I jumped for joy as Cole, Bella, and Sophia hopped around the stage in celebration. Cole pulled Bella into his arms and kissed her, which made the crowd scream even louder.
Sophia ran over to grab the trophy, then she held it above her head, jumping and shaking it in our direction.
They’d won. I was so happy they’d won. But this was just the beginning. They were talented. The most talented people I’d known in a long time. I knew they would find a way to take this band to the top and achieve their dreams. I had faith in that.
Cole and Bella held up the check, and I pulled out my phone and took a bunch of pictures.
I’d be sharing this everywhere tonight. Everyone who knew me would now know Blue Persia. I’d make sure of that. When I snapped my final picture, a text message flashed in the banner at the top of the screen.
I clicked on it.
It was from Ollie.
Ollie: Look to your right.
I followed his direction, looking to my right. I saw him there, tall, messy hair, dark clothes, dark eyes considering me intensely. Pulling me to him.
I loved those eyes once.
Now they just reminded me of who he was looking at now.
Jean.
Ollie and I were a flame that had burned bright and, too quickly, burned out. It broke my heart.
He typed something into his phone and a second later I got another text message.
Ollie: Can we talk?
I swallowed.
I guess this was as good a time as any for things to come to an end.
And things had to come to an end. Ollie and I were from two different worlds. We couldn’t be together. I was a fool to think we could have had anything else but a passing fling and electric kisses. I’d known that from the beginning but, somehow, Ollie inspired me to have hope in us. Hope that could never come to fruition. That was the worst kind.
I shouted to Ariel that I’d be right back, then I squeezed through to crowd to where Ollie was standing by the wall.
I followed him out the side door and into the parking lot.
It was a cold night, and I wasn’t wearing a jacket. I wrapped my arms around myself to keep from freezing to death.
I stopped a few feet from the side door, just in case I wanted to make a quick getaway.
“So,” I said.
Ollie examined me like he was reading a very complicated recipe. Then, he shoved his hands in his pockets.
“I didn’t kiss her,” he said.
The fact he was starting off this conversation with a lie made my jaw clench and my hands bend into fists.
“You did kiss her, Ollie. I saw you.”
“I was set up.”
I scoffed. “By Jean? Your friend? Why would she do that?”
“I don’t know. She kissed me, then she left. I haven’t seen her since. I would never do that to you. Especially not after what you told me about your dad.”
“But you did, Ollie. I watched you kiss her. You didn’t pull away or push her off you. You kissed her!”
“I was surprised. Jean and I never had that kind of relationship and for her to do that… I was unprepared.”
“Sure, you were. Look, it doesn’t matter now. It’s over.”
“No, it’s not over.”
“Yes, it is.”
My throat felt like it had a huge lump in it. Tears formed in the back of my eyes and I turned away before he could see them.
He ran in front of me, standing between me and the door. My only escape.
“No, it’s not over, because I’m in love with you.”
“You love me? You kissed another girl!”
“She kissed me.”
“But you liked it.”
“No. I told you. It surprised me. That’s all. Then she left.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“When have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?”
“You always give me reasons not to trust you! I barely know who you are.”
“You know more about me than anyone else on this planet.”
“Oh yeah? Tell me how your mom died. Tell me what your dad really does for a living. Tell me why everyone defers to you for everything like you’re some big shot.”
He opened his mouth and shut it again.
My heart broke a little more.
“See. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s all secrets and lies with you, Ollie, and I’m sick of it.”
“Please don’t do this, Princess.”
“Stop calling me Princess. My name is Jasmine.”
He put his hand to my cheek, but I slapped it away before I could revel in his touch.
“You’re my Princess.”
“No. I was never yours, Ollie. You know why? Because you were never mine.”
“I’ve always been yours.”
“Really? With the parade of girlfriends you always seem to have? You’ve always been mine?”
“Those girls have meant nothing to me.”
“Well, add me to the list.”
“Never. You mean everything to me.”
“But you cheated on me. After everything I’ve given you, everything I dreamed for us, everything we worked for. You walked out and you cheated on me. And I will not sit by while another woman parades you around in front of me like you’re a prize she’s won. You took everything from me, Sultan. You took everything.”
Ollie’s eyes went wide.
My hand clamped over my mouth.
My heart shattered.
It had happened.
I had become the worst thing I could have possibly imagined.
I’d become my mother.
“Princess, I’m not your father,” Ollie whispered.
My throat felt like I’d swallowed a bag of rocks.
Tears streamed down my face.
My heart was beating so hard I thought it would rip from my body.
“I have to go,” I croaked.
“No, wait!” He grabbed my hand, but I shook it off.
“Let me go!”
I sidestepped him, then walked back into the gym.
Then I jogged.
Then I ran.
Behind me, I could hear Ollie screaming.
“I’m not your father!”
I pulled the door open, then stopped.
I couldn’t go back inside. My friends would ask what happened. I’d have to tell them. It would be humiliating. Plus, I’d ruin the band’s celebration. But I couldn’t stay here. I had to get home before I broke down. I couldn’t fall apart here. I walked around the school until I arrived back on the streets, then I hailed a cab.
My lungs were so tight I could barely breathe.
My gut clenched so hard I thought I’d throw up.
The cabbie glanced at me when I climbed in, not seeming bothered by my appearance.
“Where to?” he asked.
I ran my hands through my hair, trying to get a hold on myself. Trying to keep myself from falling apart.
I gave him my home address, then, when we arrived, I took the elevator up to the roof. It was late and dark out. Hopefully I could be alone here.
I pulled the door open to the hothouse and walked inside.
“Hello?” I called. When no one answered, I sat myself near the pots. Where Ollie and I had planted sunflower seeds. Where he’d taught me how to dance. Where I’d first realized I was in love with him.
Tears came hard and fast down my cheeks.
My body shook with them.
I dropped down to the floor, pulled my legs up to my chest, and there, among the roses and lilacs, I quietly shattered.
65
I spent Saturday locked in my room. I told my friends I wasn’t feeling well, and that I’d see them on Monday. At least that kept them at bay for the weekend.
Mom tried a few times to knock on the door, but I ignored her.
I didn’t feel like talking to her about school or refocusing or her twisted way of dealing with her divorce. I just wanted to sit in my room with Raja, eat rocky road ice cream, watch sad movies, and be miserable.
I’d succeeded in my mission until about nine o’clock when I received a strange text from Jeff.
