by Seven Steps
I was trapped in this house, with only Raja and my mother to keep me company.
It was literally the worst thing that could happen to me.
I sat in my room, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling.
How could this happen?
How could my life have turned out so wrong?
A knock interrupted my thoughts, but I didn’t respond.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to lie here and drown myself in ice cream and pity.
“Can I come in?” Mom asked.
I closed my eyes. She was the absolute last person I wanted to talk to right now.
The bed creaked as it sank to accommodate her weight.
If she was coming in here to yell at me about getting arrested or to argue with me, I did not want to hear it.
“I want you to know that I’m still very upset with you about your behavior lately. I just can’t understand why you would act this way. Getting arrested? Graffitiing? Engaging with criminals? That’s not the Jasmine I knew.”
It’s because you never knew me at all, Mom, I wanted to say. But I didn’t because I didn’t want to argue with her anymore. I wanted to lie in bed until the blankets devoured me whole.
I wanted to disappear.
“I remember when you were a little girl we used to paint together. I never thought it would turn into this. Maybe I shouldn’t have painted with you at all.”
Please, just go away, I silently begged.
“Your father and I have been talking and we think its best that you come with me to live in India for a while. You can get a good quality education, finish out high school, then come back here to go to college.”
I opened my eyes, frowning at the ceiling.
“You’re going to live in India?” I asked.
“Yes. I’m leaving at the end of the week. And I’m taking you with me.”
My chest tightened.
My fist tightened.
My gut tightened.
Everything about me grew rock-hard as I stood up and glared at my mother.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said.
“You are,” she replied. “We’ve already decided.”
“I’m not.”
“Yes, Jasmine, you are.”
“I’m not going! You have taken everything away from me, do you know that? Your and Dad’s constant fighting and these new stupid rules have robbed me of everything.”
She scoffed. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“My brothers. My self-respect. My happiness. My creativity. My ability to have a stable, trusting relationship. Any notion of family I’ve ever had. You and Dad ruined all that. And now you’re trying to make things worse by moving me to India?” I shook my head. “What did I do to make you hate me so much?”
Mom’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Jasmine, we don’t hate you.”
“You must. No one treats someone they love like you treat me. You barely speak to me. You never ask me about my life. All you care about is me growing up to be exactly like you. But I don’t want to be anything like you and Dad.”
“Jasmine, how can you say such disrespectful things to me?”
“Think about it, Mom. If you were me, would you want to grow up and have your life?”
I stared deep into my mother’s eyes, and she stared into mine.
There was a shift there. I saw it in her dilated pupils and her flared nostrils. In her tight mouth and the slight red in her bronzed cheeks.
She blinked and stood up, letting out a small huff of air.
“Young lady, I will not tolerate such disrespect,” she said. But her voice was uncertain, and her hands clasped and unclasped in front of her. She walked to the door and pulled it open. “I want you to think very carefully about what you said to me today,” she said over her shoulder. “Rest assured that I will be telling your father.”
And then, she stepped out of the room and pulled the door shut behind her.
I growled my frustration. Whatever I said to my mother wouldn’t matter. She would continue to live in her own little dream world, and to only see the things she wanted to see.
And right now, she wanted to see me move to India with her. She didn’t care that my life would be over. That I’d never see my friends or my teachers again. Heck, she didn’t even tell me she was moving to India until a few minutes ago. She cared about me only as much as it affected her or hurt my father.
And for that, I hated her.
Whatever relationship my mother and I could have had was now over. Smashed into bits. I believed what I said. I never wanted to be like her. And yet, that was exactly what she was forcing me to be.
Bitter.
Angry.
Spiteful.
My shoulders rounded with the weight of it all. Things were happening so fast I felt out of control.
It was the worst feeling in the world.
I lay back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.
Then, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
71
The rest of the week slid by, each day blending into the next. In the mornings, I did the school work and homework from the previous day. I wasn’t allowed my cell phone, but my mom did ease up on the no painting rule. She didn’t re-open my studio, but she did allow me an easel, a canvas, and some paints, which I made use of.
I briefly thought it was a peace offering, but then I realized this was my mom we were talking about. Making peace with me wouldn’t work to her advantage in any way. So, in the end, I simply accepted the gifts and didn’t focus too much on the motives behind them. It was nice to paint again. To be able to reveal little pieces of myself and my life on the canvas. I stayed up late, working on the various pieces.
Dancing on the roof with Ollie.
Climbing up the highway sign to tag it.
Viewing the world from twenty feet above it.
Jean’s and Jeff’s shadowed faces.
Ollie’s eyes.
All of these new experiences had definitely made me a better painter, mostly because I now had a greater emotional vocabulary. A month ago, I only knew contentment. Now, I knew other things. Anger. Desire. Betrayal. Fear. The beauty in a small kiss. The feel of dirty beneath my fingertips.
I used all the emotions to drive my work. I tapped into them, forcing myself to relive them and to accept them. My time with the RATZ had taught me so much more than I’d ever dreamed.
But that time was over now. The memories and feelings were all I had left. I’d have to leave them on the canvas. It was where they belonged.
Where Ollie would want them to be.
I missed Ollie more than I thought I would. It’s amazing how being around someone every day for a few weeks could make them a part of you. Like a leg or an arm or a finger. In my dreams I felt the ghost of his kisses. The warmth of his hands. The wisdom of his words. I missed painting side by side with him. Laughing with him. I missed his winks. I missed the way he called me Princess.
It was strange to think that a boy I once hated held such a deep place in my heart.
And now he was gone, leaving a gaping hole behind I had no idea how to fill. It left me sadder than I ever thought I could be. I cried sometimes, late at night. Quietly. My tears wouldn’t bring Ollie back, but they released the tightness in my chest, at least for a little while. And for that I was grateful.
My friends were allowed to visit me on a nightly basis. Their visits helped to ease the ache of loneliness I felt every day.
It wasn’t the same as being at school, but with my small tribe around me, it made me feel a little better.
“So, Ursula Meyers got suspended today,” Bella said. She was rolling her lo mein around her fork and capturing it with her mouth. We’d ordered Chinese food from Yum Yum’s tonight, which was great since they had so many vegetarian options. My personal favorite was the cashew tofu and a veggie spring roll. I’d already finished the roll and was now eating the garlicky tofu dish with chopsticks.
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br /> “For what?” I asked.
“She got into a fight with Mary Ann Reynolds over some guy.”
“When is it not about some guy with Ursula?” I asked.
Sophia plopped an entire dumpling in her mouth. “That’s what I said,” she mumbled.
“They’ve sent her to teen counseling with me,” Bella said. “But with her pattern of bad behavior, she may be looking at suspension.”
I remembered the way she had threatened Jean and taunted me in the girls’ bathroom. “May the punishment fit the crime,” I said.
“Oh, and we have another announcement,” Cole said. He stood up and rubbed his hands together. “Guess who was asked to play at the Spring Fling this year?”
My heartbeat sped up. “Blue Persia?” I asked.
“Yup!”
I put down my food and clapped my hands together. “That’s fantastic. You guys deserved it.”
“Well, you get part of the credit,” Bella said.
“Me? What did I do?”
“You believed in us,” she said. “Sometimes that’s the best thing you can do for a person.”
I smiled, and we gave each other an air high-five.
“Any word yet on Ollie?” Purity asked.
The mention of his name made my gut clench. I shook my head. “No. The last I’d heard of him, he was heading back to Iyaria.”
“I can’t believe he was a prince this entire time,” Sophia said. “You sure can pick them.”
“Yeah. Princes in disguise. That’s my thing.”
“To be fair, there was no way you could have known,” Ariel said. “That was like super deep undercover stuff.”
I’d told my friends everything about Ollie and me yesterday. It felt good to get it off my chest.
“Yeah. Well, he’s gone now, so…” I shoved some tofu in my mouth and felt the warm garlic sauce explode on my tongue. Its heavenly flavor took my mind off Ollie for a few seconds.
“Don’t lose hope,” Bella said. “If you two are meant for each other, you’ll find a way back to each other.”
“Yeah, in fairy tales.”
“And in real life too,” she said.
I nodded and shoved more food in my mouth.
Ollie was in Iyaria helping to run a kingdom. He wasn’t coming back to America. His father had basically said it as he was dragging his son out the door.
We finished up our food and hung out to talk some more.
“Hey,” Bella said, grabbing onto my hand. “Do you have any more paintings to show us?”
“Yeah. Sure.” I walked to the side of my room, where an easel stood with a drying picture facing the window.
I had about five finished paintings in a stack on this side of my room. This was the sixth.
I turned the easel around and watched the awe in my friends’ faces as they took it in.
It was a picture of Ollie and me in our booths at the warehouse. His hand cupped my face, while my hands wrapped around his neck. My eyes were closed, and his head was bent to the side slightly. Just enough so that his eyes weren’t visible.
“Oohh,” Sophia said. “That’s so hot!”
“Totally hot,” Purity said.
“Was this one of your and Ollie’s rendezvous?” Ariel asked.
My cheeks heated. “Yeah. One of my favorites.”
“Obviously, since you could suck face there,” she teased.
“My little Jasmine is growing up,” Bella said, taking out her phone and snapping a picture. “You’re kissing boys and falling in love. Soon, you’ll have your period and then you’ll be a woman.”
“Um, I already get my period,” I giggled.
Bella shook her head. “Aww, too fast. You’re growing up too fast.” She dramatically threw her arms around me, flinging both me and her onto the bed. Then Ariel jumped on, followed my Sophia and Purity. We all laughed hysterically. Then the guys came, and it turned until a full-on wrestling match/pillow fight.
Needless to say, the girls won. The guys were stronger and faster, but, what can I say. Girls fight dirty.
After the fight, we lay around, watching a scary movie and eating ice cream, except for Ariel and Eric, who ate popcorn. Raja cuddled up to them. He was probably trying to steal their popcorn, but, thankfully, they refused his charms.
Around ten-thirty, everyone left. Ariel and Bella to their apartments in my building. And Cole, Eric, Purity, and Sophia to their apartments farther away.
This was always the hardest part of my day. Watching my friends leave just reminded me I would be alone again until tomorrow night.
It would be another day where my only companions were my computer and Raja.
I tried not to get emotional about it, but there was something painful about only being around other humans for three hours a day before bed. I missed hanging out with them at school. I missed eating lunch with them. I missed hanging out after school. And I missed Ollie.
My old life was boring and bland, but at least it had people in it.
This new life was full of emotion, but at the same time, it was lonely.
And it seemed like there would never be an in-between.
I walked my friends out and closed the door behind them. When I turned around, I saw my mother looking at me from the door. I hadn’t spoken to her since our fight where she called me disrespectful. Now, whenever I saw her, it was an awkward wave and then one of us would flee the room.
Sometimes, this house felt like the twilight zone.
I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and walked back to my room, closing the door behind me.
Then, I stared at the moon’s rays that cut across the ceiling.
Wondering where Ollie was.
And if he was looking at the same moon beams as me.
72
A week had gone by with my routine remaining unchanged. School work, homework, friends visit, friends leave, sleep. By the seventh day, when I didn’t think I could take much more of my new life, Mom left a note on the kitchen counter.
When I saw the white sheet of paper, my stomach tightened. I was sure it would say the time and date we would be going to India, as my mother had previously threatened. Instead, it said that I was to return back to school that Tuesday.
When had the plans changed?
As I stared at the paper, I realized it didn’t matter.
I was staying in America, and, even better, I was heading back to my old school with my old friends. I nearly leapt for joy. After a week of practically being in prison, I needed some time out of the house like I needed oxygen.
Whatever my parents’ reasons were for changing their minds, I was grateful.
I was ready early Tuesday morning in what I was coming to view as my new look. Minimal makeup, simple hairstyles, nice clean jeans, a simple sweater or button-up shirt, and sneakers or boots. All of my old dresses and cardigans didn’t seem to fit this new me. They were for a girl who disappeared the second she climbed that highway sign and became a Rat.
It seemed so long ago. Even after everything, warmth still filled me when I thought of the RATZ. For a few moments in time we bonded. They taught me more than anyone else ever had, and I was grateful for them.
I arrived in the lobby to claps and hugs from Bella, Ariel, Sophia, Purity, Cole, and Eric. Eric had rented a party bus to drive us to school in honor of my return. Like I said, my friends never did anything normal. They had to go all out. That was why I loved them. I thanked them all with big hugs, then we danced our way through the New York City streets and right up to the school.
We got quite a few hoots and hollers as we pulled up. I was a little uncomfortable with the attention but still waved at everyone as if they were my adoring fans.
Everything was easy when my friends were around.
Walking the halls was easy.
Going to lunch was easy.
Even bathroom breaks were easy.
It was the other things I struggled with. Sitting in art and chemistry without Ollie.
Remembering our stupid fights and the funny pictures we drew or all the times we almost got put into detention by Mr. Khan.
But the hardest part was at two-thirty.
Standing in front of our half-finished mural.
I looked at the wall of flowers, rocks, birds, and grass.
It all looked so plain now.
So simplistic.
It was then I realized exactly what Ollie had been saying to me. I’d been painting safe little flowers all my life. This wall was a testimony to that.
But I wasn’t the same girl who painted these flowers.
I was different now.
I felt more.
I wanted more.
And so, I rolled up my sleeves and grabbed my paintbrush.
What I was about to attempt was impossible.
But one thing was clear.
It would not be a mural about flowers.
It would be so much more.
73
Hours later, I rolled down my sleeves and considered my work.
The dead space between the flowers and the sky was now filled with what should have been there in the first place.
People.
Students from every walk of life talking, dancing, playing guitar, playing football, and just hanging out were outlined along a quarter of one wall. The mural looked better already.
It would be late, but when it was done, it’d be magnificent.
I tucked my pencil behind my ear and started packing the supply box with the paints and brushes. My original plan was to outline and paint all the people one by one. Then I realized that outlining the whole thing was faster. Which meant I’d unpacked the paints for nothing. Oh well. At least I didn’t have to wash the brushes.
I picked up the box and walked it down the hallway toward the janitor’s closet where it was stored. It was weird seeing an empty school. Almost spooky. I knew the janitor was around somewhere. Still, it was dark, and the sound of my sneakers squeaking against the floor gave me the creeps.
I sped up until I was nearly jogging to the janitor’s closet. My heart was racing all of a sudden, as if one of those monsters from the movies was going to sneak up behind me and slit my throat at any second.
