by Seven Steps
When his eyes met mine, he exhaled.
“You’re up. Thank God.”
He walked over to me. His hands were shaking.
I tried to sit up, but I was so tired, and my body ached.
“What happened?” I asked.
“Your bike went downhill, and you blacked out. The doctor had to put a few stitches in your back from all the rocks you…” His voice shook, and he took a deep breath. “But he said there was no concussion, so that’s good.”
I tried to think back to the events earlier in the day. The last thing I remember was turning around to argue with Joe, then there was the sky and clouds. Everything else was fuzzy.
“How long have I been sleeping?”
“Not long. An hour maybe. The doctor said you’ll have a few bumps and bruises, but you could go home later if you were feeling up to it.”
Up to it? I barely felt up to staying awake, let alone going back to the cabin.
I nodded. “Does my mom know?”
“Not yet. I’ll call her if you want me to.”
“No. Don’t call her.” I tried to sit up, but it felt like hot coals had been raked across my back.
“Don’t,” he said, placing a firm hand onto my shoulder. “You’ll open your stiches.”
“Joe, I’m fine.”
“I know. Just don’t move. Please.”
I frowned but complied.
The door to the room swung open, and Cole and Bella came in with arms laden down with snacks and sodas.
When Bella saw me, she dropped all of them and rushed over.
“You’re awake. Oh, thank God, we were worried sick.”
I smiled at her. “I’m fine.”
“When those stiches come out of your back, I’m going to kill you. What were you doing rolling down the hill like that? You almost killed yourself!”
She put her hand on my forehead, checking for a temperature. I had no idea why.
“We’ll take you back to the cabin once you feel better. From now on, we are keeping you off anything with wheels on it.”
She sounded like my mother, but I didn’t mind just then.
I nodded. “Okay.”
“Good. And, while you’re up, you better forgive this boy for whatever he did to you.” She put her hand on Joe’s shoulder. “When you went careening off the side of that hill like a maniac, he was right behind you. I’ve never seen someone run so fast toward the road. He was at the bottom before we were.” She clapped her hand on his shoulder. “Whatever you two have going on, get over it. Get it? Got it? Good. Now, get some rest.”
I squeezed my lips together, an odd sensation filling my gut.
Joe followed me down the hill? He’d carried me… where? To the car? To the hospital? My eyes raked over Joe. It was then I noticed the stains on his clothes. Blood stains all over his chest and arms and jeans.
My blood.
I frowned, the feeling in my gut worsening.
What was the feeling? And how could I hate the guy who’d just saved my life?
41
We picked up a pizza on the way from the hospital and finished it before we made it back in the cabin.
I didn’t realize how hungry I was before the savory cheese hit my tongue. I practically ravaged five slices before I even began to feel my hunger subside.
Bella helped me clean up and change and set me up in a comfortable chair while Cole started a fire to roast some marshmallows.
“What a day, huh?” Cole said. “Mountain biking and Motrin.”
“Whatever they gave me is much stronger than Motrin,” I croaked. “This was the good stuff.”
I wasn’t in pain, just sore and achy. Like I’d worked out way too hard. And my back prickled where the stitches were.
“I’ll bet it is. How are you going to explain to your mom what happened?” Bella asked. “You know she’s bound to notice the trip to the pharmacy and all the new bandages lying around.”
I shrugged. The movement only kind of hurt. “I don’t know. I’ll have to tell her at some point, I guess.”
She nodded and rotated the stick the marshmallow was roasting on. “You two have a lot to talk about, I think.”
She was right, but I didn’t want to think about that now. I just wanted to let the fire warm me, eat my marshmallow, and not worry about all my problems for once.
We sat around the campfire deep into the night, telling stories and watching the fireflies descend from the trees like nighttime glitter.
Cole and Joe grabbed some mason jars and caught a few. Joe handed a jar to me, and I put my hand over the top of the glass to keep the firefly from getting away.
When all four of us had one, Joe told us a story about a firefly whose true love died and went to heaven. The poor fly tried everything to get to her, but the journey was too difficult, littered with robbers and thieves. Eventually, he was caught in a jar and lived out the rest of his days there, never to be with his true love again. When he was done, Bella sniffled.
“That’s a sad story, Joe” she said, cuddling close to Cole.
Joe shrugged. “Sometimes, life is sad.”
He didn’t take his eyes off the fire. I wished he would. I wanted to look into them. Maybe looking into his eyes would help me understand why he would tell that story? What was going through his mind?
After a while, Cole and Bella went inside to go to bed. When I said I wasn’t tired, Joe volunteered to stay with me.
Figures.
It seemed that no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake him.
During the day he was always around, and at night he haunted my dreams. I felt like that firefly trapped in a jar, flying round and round trying and failing to be free.
“It was a sad story,” I finally said.
He just shrugged, his eyes still on the fire.
I took a swig of my water bottle and leaned back in my chair.
Joe was a mystery. He’d saved my life, defended my reputation, and if I was being truly honest with myself, helped me find out the truth about my dad. He was the only boy I’d ever met that made me want to run to him and latch on forever. Joe improved my life in every way, and yet, he didn’t want me. Not in the way I wanted him. For everything he’d done, he only wanted to be my friend, while, simultaneously, doing everything to ensure I liked him as more than a friend.
Did he do that on purpose? Was that his plan? To rope me in and make me like him just to keep me at arm’s distance?
I took another swig of my water.
If that was his plan, then it was a crappy one. For me, and for any other girl he was doing it to. Including Charlotte.
“You should tell that story to Charlotte. I’m sure she’d like it.” I hadn’t planned it sounding so petty, but I was tired and cranky, and these painkillers were making me just loopy enough to loosen my tongue.
“Don’t do that,” he warned.
“Why? If you and her are together, you should just say so. We’re friends, right? I can handle the truth.”
“For the last time, I’m not with Charlotte.”
“Does she know that?”
“She does.”
I shook my head. “You know, when you’re not with someone, you sure do have a strange way of showing it.”
“You know, being around you is impossible sometimes,” he snapped. “It’s like a freaking nightmare.”
“Ditto.”
We both sat back, glaring at each other and at the sky and the fire and whatever else we could glare at.
I was so angry with him.
Angry at him for ratting me out to Aunt Beatrice.
Angry at him for sitting next to Charlotte.
Angry at him for making me angry.
Angrier because I allowed myself to be angry.
And all this anger was draining me.
I stifled a yawn and, at that moment, knew I’d gotten myself into a bind. I needed help to get in and out of the house and the only one out here to help me was Joe.
; Great.
I squeezed my lips together, but that didn’t stop a second yawn from escaping.
I kept my eyes on the fire, unwilling to look at him.
But he had other plans.
I watched him walk past me and straight into the house, leaving me alone.
I seethed.
He had me feeling like I was going crazy. And that was pissing me off!
I normally didn’t care enough about guys to have all these feelings. But Joe made me want to rip my hair out. It was the most frustrating thing I’d ever felt in my life.
I put my water into the cup holder built into my chair and gingerly started to push myself up. I was tired, and my back was starting to flare up. I just wanted to take my pain pills and go to bed.
The cabin door closed, and a few seconds later, Joe stepped back into my line of sight, my pain pills in hand.
My heart felt like it was going to split in half. How could I be so angry with someone and so stuck on them at the same time? I didn’t want to accept his help, but I couldn’t not take my painkillers. Grumbling, I took the pills from his hand and flicked them into my mouth. I washed them down with a big gulp of water and watched him as he doused the fire with sand and water.
When he turned back around, I pretended to look at the cabin.
I wished I knew what was going on in his head. Maybe, if I knew what he was thinking, I could get some sort of relief from the jumble of feelings that kept burning within me like a dumpster fire.
“You ready to go inside?” he asked.
I shrugged, stubbornly holding onto my anger.
He sighed and crouched down, his eyes pinning me.
“Are you ready to go inside?” he asked, his words slow and deliberate.
My gut twisted.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“I’m going to have to pick you up and carry you into the house. Then I’m going to lay you down on the bed. If you want your night clothes on, you’ll have to wake up Bella for that. Okay?”
I nodded slowly. “Fine.”
Why was it suddenly so hard to breathe? It was like whenever he was close, I didn’t want to be angry. I hated that. I wanted to be angry. Because if I was angry, then I wasn’t sad. And the sadness would be way worse.
“You ready?”
“Yeah.”
As gently as a child, he picked me up, minding my back, and carried me into the house. Then, he laid me down on my bed and gently pulled off my sneakers. Then he pulled off my socks, rolled them up, and tucked them into my sneakers.
“Do you mind?” I asked, feeling stilly and stupid and bitter.
“What do you need?”
“My jeans.”
He blinked, then nodded slowly. I managed to get my jeans unbuttoned, and he pulled them off and threw them over a chair. Fortunately, my shirt was long enough to cover any embarrassing parts. Then, he pulled the blanket up to my chin.
“You good?”
I nodded. “I’m good.”
“Well, good night.”
I bit the inside of my cheek as shame washed over me.
I had acted like a child today. An idiot. And Joe had only done what I asked him to do. And yet, I treated him horribly.
So horribly.
God, I was an emotional roller coaster lately. It was like everything I wanted I couldn’t have, and everything I didn’t want was thrust into my lap. It was hard to know how to feel when everything hurt the same.
“Joe?” I whispered.
“Yeah?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but my voice choked.
Why was I so stupid? Why was I such a broken wreck?
He stood there for a minute, then walked out the door.
I couldn’t help but wonder if that was his way of walking out of my life.
42
I dreamed about Joe that night. I was in an open field beneath a gray sky. In my dream, I was running toward Joe. Not just a jog, but a full-on sprint. But, no matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t seem to get any closer. When I looked down at my feet, I saw I was running in place.
I woke up with a jolt. My body was covered in cold sweat, and my back ached.
For a moment, I didn’t know where I was or how I’d gotten here.
Then, it all came rushing back to me.
I was in a cabin with Bella, Cole, and Joe. I looked over at Bella, sleeping peacefully in the other bed.
She wasn’t up yet. Good. I needed some peace right now.
I shook off the last of my dream and slowly rose.
My mind felt overheated and weighed down. I needed some time to think. To sort things out. To understand what was going on within myself.
I dug out a pair of sweatpants and gingerly pulled on my socks. Then I grabbed my phone from the charger. It was four in the morning. The sun wouldn’t rise for another hour or so. It was quiet and peaceful as I plodded to the kitchen to make myself some coffee.
I’d seen the sun rise over the bayou countless times, but today I was going to see it rise over a beautiful lake, surrounded by mountains and forest. The same mountains and forest that had nearly killed me yesterday. If it weren’t for Joe…
I turned on the coffee maker and put in a small, pre-filled cup of coffee to brew.
If it weren’t for Joe.
I shook my head.
If it weren’t for Joe so many things in my life would be different. I’d be the same girl who was flunking out of the eleventh grade, bombing her lines in the play, and calling the wrong man her father.
Yet, if it weren’t for Joe, I wouldn’t be such an emotional volcano right now. My soul wouldn’t feel like a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. I wouldn’t be so mixed up.
I popped a few painkillers and washed them down with a cup of coffee before heading outside. It was cold, but I didn’t mind it. I needed something to wake me up. To help me see clearly. To get me out of this funk I was in.
I needed a blast to my senses, and, since my whole falling down the mountain thing didn’t do the trick, maybe some icy cold air would.
I sat on the front steps of the cabin, allowing my mind to wonder while I stared off into the dark.
Who am I? What do I want? Who do I want? What do I want to do with my life?
I allowed the chilly breeze and nature sounds to lead my thoughts. To give me some answers.
By the time the sun rose, my feelings had calmed.
I felt focused. Like I had direction.
The rising sun colored the water and sky in pink, purple, yellow, and gold. I basked in its warmth, feeling reborn. Like a new person.
I saw my path before me, and it was clear.
Joe was right. I was a runner. When things got hard, I ran, and I hid. But that was going to stop today. Because I was tired of running and hiding. I had to face the facts.
I had to let Joe go, once and for all.
The sun was higher in the sky when I returned to the kitchen. It was warmer in here, and I rubbed my hands over my arms to knock off the chill. I fed another cup of coffee into the machine and waited for it to brew.
“Hey.”
I turned around and my gut filled with butterflies.
Joe stood in the doorway, wearing a white T-shirt and sweatpants.
I loved that look on him. It showed off his athletic build.
I allowed myself only a second of looking before I raised my gaze to his eyes.
Joe wasn’t mine. He’d never be mine. I’d faced those facts this morning. We were friends, and I was going to beat my heart into submission until it realized that.
“Hey,” I replied, leaning against the counter.
He didn’t move from the doorway. I was grateful for the distance.
“How’d you sleep?” I asked, pouring the steaming coffee into my cup.
He ran his hand along the back of his neck. “Not great.”
“That makes two of us.” I took a sip, enjoying the warmth that cascaded down my throat. “Bad dreams?” I asked.
He nodded. “I kept seeing you going down that hill. My mind kept replaying how scared I was.”
I took another sip of coffee.
He drew in a breath and let it out. Then, he took a small step into the kitchen, and the room felt a little smaller.
“When I saw you on that bike, heading for that rock, do you know what I was thinking?”
“What?”
He frowned, and a look of anguish washed across his face.
“I was thinking that if anything happened to you, I’d never forgive myself.”
I put down my coffee mug on the counter.
“Joe, it wasn’t your fault.”
He shook his head and took another step into the kitchen. “No. I know. I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t know if I could’ve lived with myself if something had happened to you and I didn’t tell you how I felt.”
The butterflies in my gut grew stronger. My throat felt dry and tight.
“How do you feel?” I whispered.
He stepped a little closer.
“Since I got here, I’ve been fighting with myself. Part of that was because I couldn’t be with you, and the other part was that I wasn’t with you. Every day I felt torn in two. I mean, you were there, and I could see you and touch you, but I couldn’t… It was like you were behind glass.” He took a step closer, and suddenly he was only a foot away. “But yesterday taught me that I need to break through that glass.” He ran a hand along my cheek. “I like you, Sophia. Like, really like you. I never stopped. I like your stubbornness and your smart mouth and the way you make me feel. I know I’m not supposed to feel this way. I know it’s wrong. But I just think you should know it.”
My heart leapt into my throat.
I had spent all night convincing myself that Joe and I were just friends, and now he tells me he likes me? How was I supposed to deal with this? What was I supposed to say?
I turned away from him, pressing my hands on the counter, trying to get my breathing under control.
Two strong hands sat on the counter next to mine. Trapping me.
“You asked me to kiss you before. Do you remember?” His voice was deep, his Texas drawl almost lazy. Goose bumps ran from my neck down to my knees. He was so close. My lungs locked up. I couldn’t speak. I could only nod dumbly. Was this just another dream?
