by Webster, K
My girl never leaves once she roots herself in there.
“Tomorrow you want to get out of the house and go to that bookshop?” I suggest. I know she’s tired and hurting, but it’s something she can do. Sitting inside the house alone while I work is not good for her. She needs fresh air.
“I’d like that,” she whispers. “Maybe recreate our first date.”
Minus the wild fucking and subsequent ER visit.
“We could have sex,” she says, reading my mind.
“Or we could do more of this.” I brush her hair from her face and kiss her deeply. “You like this?”
Her fingers thread in my hair as she pulls me closer. “I really like this.”
Our lips dance together frantically since her body isn’t able to join in on the party. One day it’ll be ready again, and I’ll be ready too. Until then, kissing is perfectly fine by me. Hell, staring at her as she lives and fucking breathes would be okay too. With Lauren, I’ll take whatever I can get.
She flips the page on her book slowly, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration. I watch her from across the coffee table where I sit in my armchair. The bookshop is quiet on this cold, snowy day. I could stare at the snow falling down outside, or I could stare at her.
I’ll always choose her.
Another page flip.
And another.
I’m glad for the day off to spend it doing nothing with her. Outside of the house. She needs a break from the medicine, her illness, life.
Another page flip.
Absently, she reaches for her bottle of water, but she’s too engrossed in her book to realize she’s nowhere near it. I lean forward, unscrew the lid, and hand it to her. She sips it and then hands it back.
Her hair is messy from having air dried and been pulled into a bun. Dark circles paint her cheeks under her eyes and her skin is pallid. Even her full, pink lips are dry and cracked.
But she’s alive.
Still fucking here.
My fighter.
Lauren Englewood.
It’s then I imagine her as something else. Mine. Lauren Venable. The thought sends my heart galloping in my chest. I try to envision her in a white gown walking down the aisle in front of hundreds of people. But it doesn’t feel right. Instead, I think of the cabin on the lake I sometimes rent from my friend Dane. How even when it’s snowy, the lake is beautiful.
I love Lauren and can’t imagine life without her.
So what am I waiting for?
“I’ll be right back,” I tell her. “You’ll be okay for a little while?”
“Mmmhmm,” she murmurs without looking up.
I chuckle and kiss the top of her head. “Text me if you need me.”
Quickly, I tug on my coat and gloves before heading outside in the blistery cold. Where I’m going, I won’t need a car. I walk a block down to the nearest jewelry store. Once inside, the woman at the counter, who looks to be around my mother’s age, brightens at seeing me.
“Good evening, sir. What can I help you with?”
I give her a sheepish grin. “I’m looking for a ring. For my girl.”
Her eyes glitter with excitement. “What kind of ring?”
“One that says I’ll love you forever, no matter how long that may be.”
“Ahh, a romantic looking to propose?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind of budget are we looking at?” she asks as she walks me over to a glass case.
“I’ll just know it when I see it.”
I peer into the case and peruse all the sparkly diamonds. They all look the same to me. Until I find the one that stands out. A giant yellow diamond surrounded by mandarin garnets and then another circle of rubies. It reminds me of a sunset. So Lauren.
“That one,” I say, pointing at it.
“That one’s the priciest in the bunch,” she warns.
I glance at her name tag. “Can you put a price tag on love, Wanda?”
Her eyes gleam. “Certainly not, Mr. um…”
“Dr. Venable is fine.”
“I’ll wrap this up, Doctor.”
The snow is growing heavier and the wind blows hard, but I’m stunned as I stare at her through the window. Her smile is wide and bright as she talks to a child no older than five or six. The child wears a white plastic helmet and seems bashful, but is also smiling. It’s no different than how she lights up Taylor’s face at the hospital or even Cora’s.
She does this to people.
Lauren may love sunsets, but she’s the sunrise, lifting high above everyone and giving them something to look up to. She warms them with her smiles and reflects back hope.
As I walk back inside, the woman with the child is walking out. I recognize her. Another foster parent like myself. I’d gotten into the gig because of wanting to help Jenna get Cora, but I’ve gotten to know some of the locals around here through the meetings and online forums.
“Anna? How’s it going?”
Anna smiles. “Just picking up a book for Ollie. He just joined us.”
I squat down and retrieve a sucker from my pocket. “I’m Dr. Venable. Want a sucker?”
Ollie looks up at Anna and she nods.
“Ollie is a cool name,” I tell him. “Where’d you get the cool hat?”
His dark eyes brighten. “You like it?”
“Pretty cool if you ask me. I’m a doctor and see them all the time, but this is the coolest one I’ve ever seen,” I assure him.
“Why?” he asks.
“Because it’s sitting on the head of a cool little guy, duh.”
He giggles. “That lady said it looks like a dinosaur egg.”
“Are you a dinosaur?” I tease.
The boy nods. “Rawwwr.”
“Dinosaurs usually get extra hungry and sometimes need two suckers. Don’t you think?”
He beams at me. “They do!”
When I stand and hand him another, I nod at Anna. “Be careful out there. It’s slick.”
“Thanks, Dr. Venable,” Ollie says, waving his two suckers at me.
They head out of the store and I find Lauren still in her chair. She’s no longer engrossed in a book, but her attention is fully on me. I love the look on her face so much that I can’t even wait another moment to make this perfect or thought through. I simply stalk over to her and sit on my knees in front of her. Her smile is serene as I take her hand.
“Lauren,” I murmur, admiring her pretty face that can’t be hidden away by fatigue and depression and disease. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she says with a grin.
“So much that I want you to be my wife. Life’s too precious to let moments slip by us. Will you marry me and grab all the moments with me?”
Her eyes fill with tears. “Really? You want to marry me?”
“Hell yeah I want to marry you.”
“Do you even have a ring?” she challenges, her brown eyes shiny with tears but dancing with mischief.
“What do you think?”
“Holy shit, you do.”
I smirk as I fish around in my pocket full of suckers. When I find the one I want, I pull it out and slide the ring over the stick before offering it to her much like I would one of my pediatric patients.
“Root beer,” she croons. “You sure know the way to a girl’s heart.”
“To be clear, you only get the sucker if you say yes,” I tease.
She slides the ring off the stick and her eyes widen. “It’s so beautiful.”
I pluck it out of her hand and slide it onto her ring finger. It’s a little loose, but the lady assured me we could resize it if necessary.
“Will you be mine?”
“I already am.”
“Is that a yes?” I confirm, smirking.
“Well, I want the sucker,” she sasses. “Yes, Dr. Dan. I’ll marry your handsome grandpa ass because I love you more than you’ll ever know.”
I slide my hands into her messy hair and pull her in for a kiss. Our kis
s is a sealing of two souls. The inked stitching on my ribs seems to burn. Ripping and pulling apart. Not to get out and search for purpose or peace. No, to open up and pull her in too. She’s a part of me and I’ll never let her go.
Lauren
Four months later…
I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.
Taylor: Are you crying?
Hastily, I swipe away the tear on my cheek as I stare at the message window on the new game Taylor and I are playing. I can feel his wide green eyes on me. Forcing a smile, I shake my head.
“Nope,” I say aloud. “Just cleaning my cheeks.”
He laughs. “That’s a new one. I’ll have to remember to use that one on Vera.”
“Vera still being good to you?” I ask, no longer amused. When I’d seen a bruise on his arm last week, I nearly lost my shit in the dialysis room.
“She’s fine,” he says, a scowl forming. “They’re always fine.”
His answer digs at me. It’s not fair. Not only does he have kidney disease, but he’s also been forced into the system. I have a loving, supportive network of people. He has no one.
The tears fall harder this time, nothing to do with the pain I’m feeling.
“Your move,” I croak, nodding at his device.
While he frowns down at the screen to focus, I stare at him. Getting adopted out of the system is already hard enough for an older child, but what about one with medical issues? That seems like it’s even more impossible.
I tap out a message on our game.
Me: You think Vera will let you come to my wedding Saturday? I could see if Enzo could arrange it if you wanted to come.
He smiles broadly at me. “Really?”
“I know Enzo’s not your caseworker, but he has pull. Only if you want to come, of course,” I say, grinning back at him.
“I want to, Lauren!”
“Good, it’s a done deal then.”
“I’m glad you’re marrying Dr. Dum-Dum,” he says, looking back down at his game. “He always has suckers and he’s nice.”
“Yeah, I love Dr. Dum-Dum.” I smirk because Daniel is going to love his new nickname. He had it coming always handing out Dum-Dum suckers. Joy chases away the hurt inside my body, even if only momentarily.
My eyes skim over Taylor once more. The ache inside me lives in my chest this time. Coming in here three days a week for months and months has allowed me to get to know the quiet, yet quirky kid. A yearning burns inside me unlike anything I’ve ever felt.
Quickly, before I lose my nerve, I text Daniel.
Me: The house is lonely lately.
Since Jenna and her family moved out, it’s just Daniel. I’d been spending most of my nights with Daniel anyway, so one day Dad and Daniel brought over my stuff. I never thought I’d see the day where my dad helps my boyfriend move my things into his home. But it feels right with Daniel. I love him and I’m going to marry him, for Pete’s sake. Now that my pictures of my family sit on my bedside table and I get to curl up to my fiancé every night, a certain level of peace has entered my world.
Daniel: I miss Cora too.
She belongs with her family, but I know it hurt Daniel to see her go.
Me: Ever think about fostering anyone else?
Daniel: Like a certain green-eyed boy?
My heart flutters in my chest. Of course he’d be able to read me like no one else.
Me: I mean, I’d be the favorite of course. He calls you Dr. Dum-Dum…
A smile tugs at my lips.
Daniel: You’re everyone’s favorite. Maybe I should carry around Smarties instead…
God, I love this man.
Me: Dum-Dums are SO you though.
Daniel: Yes.
Me: Yes, you’re a Dum-Dum?
Daniel: Yes, to Taylor. Let’s do this.
I feel as though my heart stops completely in my chest. My tears blur and race down my hot cheeks, this time with a happier emotion.
Me: I love you, Dr. Dum-Dum.
Most women don’t throw up on their wedding day. I’m not most women. Everything in my life happens at the most inopportune times and with the force of a hurricane. Could I not just have one day where I felt great? One day.
My stomach heaves and tears leak out ruining all Jenna’s hard work on my makeup. I miss Mom. She’d be here to hold back my hair and promise me everything would be okay. Someone knocks on the bathroom door at the tiny cabin we’re at.
“Everything okay in there?”
Dad.
“I’m fine,” I croak out. A big fat lie.
“I’m your dad, remember? I know when you lie, baby girl.”
Since the bathroom is so small, I shakily reach over and unlock the door. Dad, looking handsome as ever in a suit, slides inside and crouches beside me. His fingers stroke through my hair.
“Do I need to get Daniel?” Worry flashes in his eyes.
“No,” I say in vehemence. “Today he’s going to be my husband. I’d rather not walk down the aisle with him in doctor mode.”
Dad’s lips purse together, but he doesn’t argue. Instead, he pulls open a cabinet door under the sink and grabs a rag. Once he’s wet it with cold water and wrung it out, he kneels again beside me. He’s gentle as he cleans the vomit from my lips. Mom was always the one who dealt with puke when we were kids. Always. But now that she’s gone, Dad has stepped up in all ways.
“I love you, Daddy,” I blurt out, tears once again filling my eyes.
“I love you too,” he assures me. “I know today is hard on you because of losing Mom, but you know she’s looking down on you. She’d be so proud, Lauren. I know I am.”
I scoff. “Proud of what? Me sitting on the bathroom floor as I puke my guts out because my body is deteriorating?”
Undeterred, he chuckles and sits down, taking my hand. “No, I’m proud that despite everything you’re going through, you still have your fire. That you can crack jokes at the worst possible times and that you’ve managed to find love during the sickest part of your life. That you are going to college, taking a stab at a future you deserve. It’s admirable and brave. Lots of people would want to give up or give in to depression. Not my fiery little girl. You’re a force, Lauren. Don’t ever forget that.”
On the floor, weak and nauseous and in pain, I feel anything but strong.
Dad stares at me with conviction in his eyes. The same way Daniel looks at me. They see someone much stronger than who I see in the mirror every day.
“Some days I feel like it’s too hard,” I admit, my voice cracking.
“And some days it is. Today being one of them. But you have to be harder and tougher. Are you going to let this disease own you on your wedding day?”
“Hell no,” I tell him, already feeling better with encouragement flowing through my veins.
“That’s my girl. Now, take a breather and then clean your mouth before you kiss your husband.” He laughs. “Or not. I mean, for better or worse, am I right?”
A giggle erupts from me. I definitely got Dad’s sense of humor. “Daniel has seen a lot with me, but even that would be a new one for us.”
Dad shrugs. “It could be poetic justice for him swooping in and taking my baby girl. Just sayin’.”
“Go away,” I playfully grumble.
He helps me to my feet and flushes the toilet. Dad roots around in the drawers until he finds an unopened toothbrush. I set to brushing my teeth while Dad watches me in the mirror. It reminds me of when I was a little girl all dressed up in one of Mom’s dresses pretending to be grown. He’d always look at me with such pride in his eyes. Even now. Even with my body failing me. Once I finish brushing my teeth and fix my makeup, I turn to my dad and hug him.
“Thank you,” I murmur, closing my eyes. “I needed a pep talk.”
He squeezes me. “That’s what dads are for, baby girl. Now get out there and marry that old man.”
I snort. “Dad!”
“The grandpa jokes will never get…wait fo
r it….old.”
“You’re a dork.”
“So are you.”
“I love you, Daddy.”
“Love you too, sweetheart.”
The cool spring air nips at my exposed flesh. If it were up to Daniel, he would’ve married me the day after he proposed, but when he mentioned the lake, I knew I wanted to be married here. Not with it snowing, though. No, I wanted to get married just as the sun slides down along the horizon, glimmering off the lake. I wanted Mom to be there and that felt like the closest thing. Waiting was hard, but it gave us time to plan things better.
Music plays softly, barely heard over the cadence of the crickets chirping in the grass nearby. Today, the lake is calm and undisturbed. With a group of our closest friends and family, it’s a perfect wedding day. My eyes catch the front row where Taylor sits beside Enzo. I was thrilled when he was able to make that happen. But it’s the groom, though, that I can’t keep my eyes off of.
Tall, strong, incredibly handsome. Daniel is all man and delicious in a suit. It’s his bright smile that lights my soul on fire. His bright green eyes that shine only for me.
“Ready, baby girl?” Dad asks as he slowly guides me forward.
“Very much so.”
I clutch onto my bouquet of flowers that smell fragrant and sweet. Everyone smiles proudly at us. At the end of the aisle, beside Daniel, Landon smirks at me. I guess I’ll be doing the same for him in a few months when he and Callie tie the knot.
As soon as Dad passes me off to Daniel, my heart rate calms and the world seems to stop around me. The sunset is our backdrop and it couldn’t be any more perfect.
“You look extra beautiful when you’re about to be mine,” Daniel says, leaning in to brush his lips across the shell of my ear.
“And what about after?” I sass, my voice only slightly shaking.
“It’ll hurt to look at you, angel.”
My heart melts. “Hope you like pain because once you start, you don’t get to stop.”
“I like it all with you, Lauren. And don’t worry. I’ll never stop.”
