by Lucia Franco
Severe exhaustion. Bone pain. Body aches. Headaches. Fever. Hair loss. I wouldn't really consider hair loss, but I had noticed more and more on my floors lately.
I pressed enter, and immediately regretted it.
Anemia. Thyroid cancer. Tick bite. Lyme disease. Mono. Hay fever. Low blood sugar. Acute stress disorder. Depression. Dementia from a head injury.
The last three were way off. I wasn't depressed or stressed. Okay, a little stressed and slightly depressed, but who wasn't? The world survived on antidepressants. Maybe a little demented for putting my body through what I have, but the rest were out in left field. The only thing that was a possibility was mono, but that didn't even make sense. Kova would be just as bad off as me. So would Hayden, and they seemed fine.
Annoyed, I clicked out of my phone and dropped it into the cup holder. I watched the draw bridge slowly go down, thinking I might as well add elbow cancer to the list. Looking up symptoms was a terrible idea and got me nowhere. I mean, a tick bite? Really?
Shifting into drive, I turned up the music and made the short drive to the gym. I needed to block out my hypochondriac thoughts and focus on gymnastics, not self-diagnose myself and spiral into a dark hole worrying I had every single illness under the hot Florida sun.
Once inside, I settled into warming up, reaching for my toes, feeling my muscles stretch and pull tight in my hamstrings. I shot a glance at Kova and studied him, his face, his eyes, his movements. While he did look a little pale and drawn, and his eyes weren't as bright as they usually were. He didn't appear to be stiff or worn down like I was. He lifted big safety mats up and moved them across the room as if he were carrying bags of groceries into the house. He spoke to Madeline. Jotted stuff down in his notebook. Took a call on his cell phone. There was clearly nothing wrong with him. He must've felt my eyes on him because he shot me a look and I foolishly averted my gaze just as fast as his eyes landed on me.
Shit. I'd been caught staring.
I cringed inwardly and moved into another position. Just as I was about to look up, I felt him behind me. His presence wrapped around my senses, and holy hell he smelled so good. His cologne was fresh and potent in the mornings.
"Lay back. Hands on the floor," he ordered, kneeling next to me. I did, and he brought both of my knees up then crossed one in front of the other. Grabbing my ankle, he pulled my foot toward me and pressed on my knee with his elbow. He was stretching out my hips.
"What is on your mind?" he asked, looking ahead. I followed his gaze and watched the boys’ team. Hayden glanced at us.
"Nothing, why?"
"Because you were looking at me."
Damn it. I knew he’d caught me. "So. I can't look at you? You're my coach. I was wondering where you were and if I was going to get caught skimping on conditioning and warm-ups."
He ignored that and kept his gaze ahead. "You never look at me anymore, Adrianna. Never. And you were just watching me like a hawk. Do you have something you want to say to me? Something on your mind?"
"Nope. I'm good."
"You sure?"
"Yup."
Kova moved on to my other leg. I did want to ask him how he was feeling, to see if he felt sick the way I did, but I couldn't bring myself to. I didn't want to breach the wall I had put between us and allow him to walk into my life again. I also didn't want to let him know I wasn't feeling well.
"You are the worst liar I have ever met," he mumbled under his breath.
"You're the only one who tells me that."
"Because whether you like it or not, I know you better than anyone else."
His words struck my heart and I ground my jaw together. It was true. He did know me better than anyone else and I wish he didn't. I should've been grateful he was concerned, but instead tears of regret branded the resentment I felt for him. "Your eyes… You are so far away and it kills me because you will not come to me. I know you have a lot on your mind. I also know you are blocking everything out. I cannot say I fault you, though. You are protecting yourself. I just wish you would let me be there for you."
My breathing deepened, my chest rose and fell. I had a lot on my mind. Too much. And with no outlet, which he knew.
"See," he said quietly. Our eyes locked and my breath lodged in my throat. "I know you, Adrianna." His warm, deep voice wrapped around my gutted heart. There wasn't an ounce of cockiness in his words, just genuine sincerity that shook me. "I hate that I can see everything you are feeling, because I feel it too." His sober gaze didn't waver from mine. I wanted to look away, but I was constricted by the rope his voice devised. A faint sharpness sliced through my breastbone. This was the first time I'd allowed him to look at me like this and he had me glued to him because I could hear what he was saying, what he was begging for. Kova wanted the one thing I couldn't give him. Forgiveness.
Kova didn't look sick. No, he looked gutted.
"I know you do not want to talk to me, but if you do not release that built-up emotion inside you, you will snap. Usually when you least expect it and on the wrong person. Trust me. I have been there. If you will not release it on me, at least write it down."
I looked to my side, watching the gymnasts practice. His voice was so sad.
Quietly, I swallowed, and said, "I don't need to write." I just need to sit in the shower and cry.
"You would be surprised how therapeutic it is."
My brows furrowed. I looked back at Kova. "Where is the notebook?"
He looked down at me. "You have it."
"No, I don't."
"You do."
"Ko—Coach, no I don't."
Kova sat back on his knees. "Adrianna, you never gave it back to me."
I stared up at Kova, slightly panicking inside. My brain ran through the motions since I last saw the notebook and where I had placed it.
"It must be in my condo somewhere," I answered softly.
His brows furrowed. Panic spanned his eyes. "You are sure you did not leave it somewhere?"
I studied him, thinking. "I probably shoved it in my nightstand so I wouldn't have to look at it. I know I didn't bring it anywhere, so it's somewhere in my condo."
Relief flooded him. "When you find it, use it."
Sitting up, I crossed my legs in front of me and kept my focus on the floor, picking at the carpet. "I'd rather not. Writing isn’t for me."
Kova blew out a lengthy sigh. "You are so stubborn. This is going to backfire on you."
I flattened my lips but didn't acknowledge his comment. It wouldn't. I'd make sure of it.
"Does your Achilles hurt?"
I shook my head. I debated with what to tell him. "No, it's fine. I'm just really, really tired."
"It comes with the territory."
Standing up, I yawned. "I'll see you on bars." I was only a few steps away when Kova called my name. I glanced over my shoulder.
Scratching the back of his neck, his mouth pulled tight to one side and his nervous green eyes dropped to the floor then up to me. We stood no more than a few feet apart and he closed the distance.
"For the record, you would never skimp on conditioning. That is not who you are. You are not lazy. That kind of mentality would only hurt you in the long run and you know that. You always, always go the extra mile, even when you should not, but it is impossible for you not to. It is why you are you."
I rolled my bottom lip between my teeth and reflected over his words. He was right about everything he’d said, but I wasn't going to respond. I didn't need to. We both knew the answer.
Slowly turning back around, I lowered my gaze to the floor as I made my way to bars. That was the most he'd spoken to me since I’d put my foot down. I may have allowed it, but somehow, I think he knew that was all the rope I'd give him.
The rest of the week he kept to himself. I trained. I slept. I trained. I ached all over. I barely slept. I trained. I had pounding headaches. I sank deeper into myself. I was so tired that I almost missed practice.
But I didn't. I sucked it
up and championed on. It’s what I did.
* * *
The energy in the room revived me, giving me life, washing away any kind of exhaustion I'd been dealing with over the past few weeks. Like a contagious beat to a song. Shivers ran down my arms, like little needles tickling me. I looked all around, turning in a circle, taking in every moment, every person I could see, breathing it into my lungs. I smiled. My dad was somewhere in the stands.
This was life. Gymnastics was life.
Today was the American Classic, my last meet before the National Qualifier. Today would determine if I got to compete in the U.S. Classic.
Inhaling a deep breath, I let everything go. I was invigorated, excited, and for once, not tired. I was probably on overdrive and didn't know it.
Yesterday after we arrived, we ran through our routines, doing light warm-ups. We didn't push it or do our full routines, just ran through the motions and adjusted to the equipment. I kept my focus on myself and didn't watch anyone else, just like I was doing now. I blocked everything out and compartmentalized my thoughts.
"Breathe in through your stomach," Madeline said, taking a deep breath and exhaling through her nose. I nodded, staring at the vault as I hopped on my toes to keep my muscles warm. "As long as you block hard and stay tight, you got this, Adrianna. Vault is yours. Open up when you come out of the half."
I nodded again, and bit the inside of my lip. Madeline walked away to speak with Holly. I had one of the most difficult vaults—the Amanar. My body had to rotate nine hundred degrees, get at least six feet off the vault table, and finish with a blind landing.
I had this. I wasn't worried. I was confident, but I wasn't cocky. I could do this vault in my sleep. I just had to get the mechanics of it and rely on muscle memory.
There was only one other vault so dangerous that it paralyzed a gymnast many years ago. Vault may be my specialty, but I wasn't looking to never walk again. I knew my limits.
Patting my hands in the chalk bowl, the powder filled my nostrils as I grabbed little clumps and broke them. I applied some of the chalk between my inner thighs and on the bottom of my feet to absorb any moisture.
I exhaled.
Walking toward the end of the walkway, Kova met up with me and we walked side by side. I kept my gaze on the floor, imagining my vault over and over. My hands formed into tight balls and flexed, and my fingers were a little cold.
"Stay tight, start low. Your body will know what to do once you are in the air."
Once we reached the end of the runway, I stepped into the small chalk box on the floor and added a little more to my feet. My heart was starting to pick up speed. I wasn't nervous, just anxious.
"Did you hear me?" Kova asked. I nodded. "Hey. Look at me." My eyes shot up to his. "You got this. Just release everything and trust yourself." I nodded again, serious.
After giving me a friendly pat on my shoulder, Kova walked away and only stopped when he got to the opposite end where my dismount would be. Our eyes locked and his chin dipped.
It was go time.
Swallowing, I looked at the judges. I stepped onto the runway mat behind the white tape and cracked my toes, standing on the tips of them. I focused on the vault, noting Kova in my peripheral vision. Black dress pants, royal blue polo club shirt, hands on hips.
While I was confident in what I was about to perform, his presence still comforted me.
I glanced at the judges table, waiting. They gave me the green light.
Quickly, I saluted them and a handful of seconds later I was running. My feet pounded into the floor, my heart filling with exhilaration as I neared the springboard. The adrenaline was a rush, speeding through me. It was addicting and I wanted to chase it.
This was another reason I loved gymnastics. I was free and wild. No one could slow me down.
Rounding off, feet locked together and slamming into the springboard, I reached back and flipped onto the vault, popping my shoulders hard and allowed my muscles to take over. Tight, I took flight as high as I possibly could reach and twisted two and a half times, then opened and landed.
Both feet together.
No hop.
Just a perfect stuck landing that made my heart drop and my stomach tighten.
It was the longest four seconds of my life.
I could hear Kova and Madeline shouting, feel the vitality of the room.
Arms up, I acknowledged the judges, then turned toward the other side…and smiled. Scratch that. I was fucking beaming on the inside and outside.
Madeline had both hands up for a high five as I reached the stairs. Stepping down, she said, "Unbelievable! The best you've ever done! I gotta run to prep Holly, but fantastic!"
My eyes lit up.
Automatically, I high-fived Kova and our eyes met. There was a moment my heart skipped a beat. To share something like this with him formed a deeper connection between us. I felt it and there was no doubt in my mind he did too.
"How did I do? How was it? I mean, I felt good, but you know how that goes," I asked him, but he looked at me like I was utterly insane. I laughed, actually laughed and said, "You look like I'm the one speaking Russian to you."
"Sometimes I wonder what is going through your head to ask me such questions. Adrianna, you perform best under pressure. By far…just…" He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair and looked away. "It was just incredible. Flawless."
I almost squealed. Thank God I didn't. "Thanks!"
Kova looked down at me. The way his enamored gaze took in my face as he studied me caused butterflies to erupt in my stomach. I wanted to pluck their beautiful wings off so I couldn't feel that connection with him, but at the same time, I wanted them to flutter harder.
"It is good to see you smiling again."
At that my smile faded a little.
"I have not seen your face light up like that in quite some time." He swallowed hard, then turned his head. I followed his gaze and watched my score pop up.
I stared at the bold, black numbers. My lips parted. Was this real life?
Kova looked back at me. Shaking his head, happiness bloomed in his eyes. "I told you," he said, shaking his head like he was awestruck. "Flawless."
Then, he was gone.
"You're going to be labeled as vault queen soon," Holly said sweetly as she came up to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.
I barked out a laugh. "That will be the day."
"Girl, you don’t even know your greatness," she said, then stepped away.
With bars already under my belt, I'd only been deducted a few tenths, but I was still leading. Bars was like vault for me, another forte of mine.
Beam, my arch nemesis, though. I fought that bitch tooth and nail. She was being compliant for now, but I knew deep in my gut it wouldn't last. Everything good always came to an end.
Yeah, I was starting to wonder if I was demented since I was comparing the balance beam to an actual person who could bring me down. Only I had the power to bring myself down. No one else.
And that was the kind of mentality I went into the beam with. I knew I had what it took, I'd done it twice now. I was my only limit.
"What are you thinking about?" Kova asked right before I was about to go on.
"What's the worst thing that could happen? I straddle the beam? Fall off completely? My foot slips on the second back handspring of my connection, but I can't stop the next skill from happening because my body is already in motion and I'll land on my neck on the beam and break my collarbone?"
He looked into both of my eyes, his gaze shifting back and forth. A little scared. "Is that really what you were thinking?"
"Yes."
Kova shook his head, at a loss for words.
It really was what I'd been thinking about when I mounted the beam. I let go and trusted myself, trusted the faith my coaches had in me, and when I saw my score flash on the board shortly after my dismount, I was insanely proud. While I hadn't snagged first place, I was in the top three and I'd
totally take it.
Letting go was hard, but fear was crippling. I refused to be a prisoner of my own fears and self-appointed limitations.
As I stood waiting to rotate to the last event, the back of my neck prickled with awareness. I felt the heavy stare of someone and turned around. I tilted my head to the side and took him in, trying to figure out where I'd seen him before. I saw a lot of forgettable faces at meets, but this one, he looked so familiar and it annoyed me I couldn't place him. I'd seen those beady eyes before that were now raking up and down my body.
I shivered. I didn't like the way he looked at me, or the sleazy smile that pulled at his weathered mouth to reveal yellow-stained teeth.
Kova stepped in front of my view and I pulled back, brows gathering up at him.
"Do not look at him." His eyes were hard as dried cement. "Do you hear me? Do not look at him again." His voice was deadly.
I hesitated with my question. "Why?"
If possible, his eyes darkened, and I swear I heard him growl. "Adrianna—"
"I'm not asking to aggravate you, Coach. I'm just curious."
Placing his hands on his hips, his chest expanded as he shot a fleeting glance over his shoulder, then back at me. I didn't follow because for once I didn't want to annoy him. And, because that guy creeped me out.
Looking down at me, Kova ran his teeth over his bottom lip like he was debating whether he wanted to tell me something or not. His indecisive eyes bore into mine, so I did what I always do. I pushed.
"What is it?" I asked. "Do you know him?"
"Do you remember the Parkettes meet, where we discussed what you learned from just watching the competition and the room as a whole? We got on the subject of that coach and how I warned you—"
"You mean threatened—"
"—to stay away from the coach who was demeaning his gymnast and how it disturbed you?"
My eyes widened. "That's him!" I muttered under my breath. "I thought he looked familiar. He's the coach you fired."
Kova's chin dipped long and slow. It was the same guy Reagan had told me about.
"For once, listen to me when I say do not engage him. Do not look his way. Pretend he does not exist."
