by Lucia Franco
* * *
The U.S. Classic was the biggest competition of my career thus far. I’d be competing against the top elite gymnasts in the country for one of the coveted spots on the national team.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. Getting to this point, to this day, wasn’t just taxing on the body, but also on the mind. My nerves were shot, and I’d hardly slept the past couple of nights, but I was containing it. Cool, calm, and collected.
I blew out a shaky breath as Kova rubbed my shoulder.
"Do not be scared."
"I'm not."
I was terrified.
This was it. What I’ve always wanted. My Olympic dream was within reach, and there was no one here to share it with except Kova. None of my teammates had qualified to be here. Not even Madeline came. She’d stayed back with everyone else as they continued business as usual.
I scanned the growing crowd and briefly wondered if my dad had made it. He may not have been to every practice or meet, but he always showed up when it mattered. As for Joy, I wasn’t sure if she’d come with him or not. I hadn’t spoken to her since her drunken revelation. I thought maybe she’d reach out to me, considering she was the only mother I’d ever known and, oddly, I’d even held a sliver of hope that she would. But the more I thought about it, I knew she was the kind of negativity I couldn’t afford right now.
I was next in line for vault and watched a gymnast take a huge double hop on her landing. She had the same vault as I did—the Amanar. While the Amanar was mostly muscle memory, not every gymnast could reach the height required for this skill.
"Opportunity only knocks once. This is your moment to let go of all the bullshit and show the world who you are." Kova stepped in front of me, his eyes lit with a contentment that soothed my flustered nerves. "You are going to come out a champion because this is what you were made for. That is what differentiates the gymnasts who are a dime a dozen. The ones who say they are going to do it, versus the ones who are resilient enough to get the job done." Kova paused, his gaze dropping to the floor before looking back up. "I know I do not say it often, but I am so proud of you. You are extraordinary. All those times when you hesitated, when fear simmered beneath your control, you were still courageous enough to try when others would have given up. You fought. You gave your all. Be proud of yourself, Adrianna. You have achieved massive accomplishments."
Acting on impulse, I jumped into Kova's arms and hugged him tight. It took him a moment to return the hug, but he did it, just a little stiff and unprepared. Not that I was surprised. This was the most contact, verbally and physically, I’d allowed us since the other night in the gym.
I rested my head on his shoulder and squeezed my eyes shut, absorbing his words I didn't know I needed to hear. They rolled off his lips in an inspiring tone and left me feeling self-assured.
An energy to thrive was brewing.
My wings were spreading, ready to coast.
Kova was feeding my soul, fighting off my demons, and he didn't even know it.
"Thank you," I said softly, squeezing him again. "I needed to hear that." He ran his palms in circles on my lower back before he pulled away.
"Go show them what you are made of."
I offered Kova a smile, then walked to the little box at the end of the runway that contained chalk. I slapped some on the bottom of my feet and inner thighs. I blocked out the noise of the crowd and kept my focus on each routine, rotation, and, of course, the scoreboard.
Inhaling a deep breath, I shifted on my feet and visualized the vault I was about to perform, like I'd done many times before. My eyes shifted to Kova for any last-minute directions, but all he did was smile. I exhaled, and stepped behind the white line.
It was go time.
Raising my arms so they were extended in front of me, I stood on my tiptoes and stepped into my run, swinging my arms back for momentum.
I got this… I got this…I got this… I chanted to myself as I neared the apparatus, running as fast as I could. Speed was absolutely crucial for this skill. Hurdling into a round-off, I rebounded off the springboard and arched back, my body a steep angle, remembering all the times Madeline and Kova had yelled at me to block as hard as I could. I exploded off the table. My stomach fluttered and my body snapped down to generate power. I started rotating while I continued to fly upward, squeezing every muscle to stay tight. It all happened so fast and yet it felt like slow motion. My body glided off muscle memory and I opened up for my landing.
Ankles glued together, my feet pounded into the mat. I let out a gush of air and raised my arms; chalk floated around me from the impact of my landing. I smiled and saluted, then turned to salute the judges.
No hop. No shift in my stance or step out.
I’d stuck my landing perfectly.
The huge grin was still on my face when I turned toward Kova, who enthusiastically clapped his hands and threw a fist in the air, yelling his excitement. He spotted me as I stepped off the podium and I flew into his arms.
"Velikolepnyy! Magnificent!" Kova shouted, and kissed the side of my cheek. "Velikolepnyy!"
Giving me one last squeeze, he released me and grabbed my shoulder. A little shake and he yanked me to him for another hug. I laughed, feeling his surge of happiness roll into me.
It didn't take long for my score to flash above our heads. Excitement bloomed inside my chest. Much to my surprise, I was currently in first place on the first rotation.
"Put' k rabote! Way to go!" he shouted in Russian. "Ah, velikolepnyy, Adrianna!"
My cheeks ached from grinning so big. No matter how hard I trained, seeing my name in first place was always a shock. "Thank you."
"Come. We must get ready for bars now."
I nodded and quickly grabbed my bag to follow Kova to the next rotation. I kept my focus only on my coach and didn't look around at the audience or the other events. I needed my head to stay in the game, and Kova was my center. Even when I was panicked and at my worst, Kova always kept me focused and balanced.
After I pulled on my grips, I chalked up. I'd be performing the new release skills Kova and I had worked on the last couple of weeks, along with my dismount.
"Remember, do not hold on too long when your dismount comes," he said as he stood next to me, then he gave me some other last-minute pointers. I nodded and nodded, and nodded some more. I stepped behind the mat and waited for the green light, while Kova moved to stand parallel to the apparatus.
Once I was given the okay from the judges, bars went as smoothly as vault, and my routine was over before I could take a breath. I landed my new dismount, smiling from ear to ear, and immediately searched for Kova. One look into his eyes and I knew he felt the same thing I did. Satisfaction. I thought he was going to fly onto the mat and sweep me off my feet. He was beaming, his green eyes large and evoking passion.
I felt good. Really damn good.
Kova engulfed me in a hug. "You took my breath away out there," he said near my ear. Goose bumps broke out over my arms. "I was in awe watching you."
I pulled back and lifted one side of my mouth into a shy grin. "Thanks, Coach."
There were two events down and two to go when that shadow of doubt crept into my mind as we moved on to beam. Had I practiced hard enough? Made all the necessary adjustments? Had I put enough heart into everything? I may finish in the top eight, even the top three at the rate I was going, but that still didn't mean I'd secure one of the twelve seats I dreamed of having.
Butterflies swirled in my stomach. I wanted to be in the All-Around, a gymnast used in all four events, but I could easily be a specialist and only compete in one event. While my performance today weighed heavily in their final decision, all my past meets played a part in it as well. There had been various times when a gymnast hadn't performed up to par at a nationals meet but had excelled in previous competitions and still picked for the team. It was all about who could perform under pressure and handle representing the country, and I had to wonder if I’
d done enough.
Kova snapped his fingers and I immediately looked at him. "Focus. Do not go where you just were again." I nodded. "Now, you have the option here on beam. Do you want to push the difficulty, or perform your usual routine?" Kova asked.
Every gymnast had a list of backup skills with a myriad of difficulty they could add or remove to a routine depending on what happened at a meet and who they were competing against. That way, if a gymnast before me fell off the balance beam, or touched it with both hands after a large wobble, then I'd be able to lower my difficulty for a safer, cleaner routine if I wanted. The same went for all the other events. I had choices, though not many, and I'd only changed mine a select few times.
Chewing my bottom lip, I considered my options. I could keep it safe, or I could take a risk. I was quick to chance the difficulty with other events because I was more confident in them, but balance beam always fucked me sideways.
But not today, Satan. Not. Today.
I glanced at Kova. "Let's do it."
He studied me, the corners of his mouth twitching. I knew he was sizing me up, making sure I was mentally ready, and I appreciated that. Finally, his shoulders relaxed and he nodded his head, a grin spread across his face. Kova was excited and that made me feel good because I wanted to make him proud.
"Excellent."
We went over strategy and what I would change. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to give me that extra edge.
Right before I saluted the judges, I patted my hands in the chalk bowl to absorb my feelings, and I wondered for a split second if I had made a grave mistake by pushing it.
Mental blocks. Anxiety. Overthinking. A gymnast’s worst nightmare.
I exhaled a deep breath. I hated when I did this and reminded myself that I had one thing a lot of gymnasts didn't have—a supportive coach who would never put my well-being at risk if he thought I didn't have what it took.
Smiling to myself, I counted my blessings.
Too late to turn back now, I mounted the beam and surrendered myself to the sport.
* * *
Stepping onto the podium for my last routine of the meet, I was unstoppable and focused.
This was it.
After owning beam and making it my bitch, anxiety was no longer an issue. I turned vision into victory and conquered the obstacle of self-doubt. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by tackling every fear plaguing me.
As soon as my feet touched the blue carpet, I was on a different level mentally—confident and passionate as I sashayed across the floor in graceful movements. I put as much passion as I could into this sport that had captivated my heart from a young age. The chalk became my shimmer and I floated effortlessly, hitting all my required skills, remaining fluid and light as a silky ribbon on floor as I had been on the balance beam.
Stepping down the stairs, I high-fived Kova and went in for a quick hug.
"There was one tumbling pass where you came dangerously close to stepping out of bounds and a double turn where you came out a little too early, but overall I am not concerned," he said.
Hot as hell and breathing heavily, I nodded in agreement. I propped my hands on my hips and waited. I could tell he felt good and that relieved me, but just knowing the smallest mistake could cost me everything was still always a thought in the front of my mind.
"I almost completely fell out of the turn. I don't know how I didn't, to be honest. My hips were so off-centered, I could feel it. Did I take too many pauses? Were they long? How were my leaps? Did I look like a stiff robot?" The corner of his mouth tugged up on one side and his eyes shone down on me. "I almost changed my last tumbling pass," I blurted out.
His brows bunched together. "Of course, I am glad you did not, but what happened?"
Panting, I shook my head. "I don't know. It was like this exhaustion took over me and it would've been easier to downgrade, but in those few seconds I had, I knew I'd regret it if I did."
"You are done and it is out of your hands. No more stressing. You were incredible today, Adrianna. You gave it your all. Regardless of what happens, this is possibly the best day of my life. You made coaching very rewarding."
My shoulders sagged and a smile of gratitude tipped my lips.
Turning around, I dug through my duffle bag for my sweats. My throat was taut with the emotion I'd blocked out and the adrenaline was feeding my blood. The months leading up to this day, the struggle, the climb, it all came down to this afternoon and the work I’d just put in, but also the dedication of my coaches. They were my backbone, especially Kova.
"Yeah!" Kova erupted behind me. "Bud' ya proklyat. Vote to da!"
I spun around and immediately looked up at the screen for my name. I stood in shock, unable to form words or even blink. My brain was a pile of mush. I couldn't think straight while I stared at the numbers like they were roman numerals and I was trying to remember which one meant what.
I didn't anticipate a maximum score after the few errors I knew I made, but I also didn't expect it to be that good either. I was in the lead, but only by a tenth of a point. The only event I wasn't first in was beam, but that didn't shock me.
Kova spun into me with a hug and pulled back just as quickly. My face lit up and I laughed through a smile. His tongue was rolling with Russian words I didn't understand and his entire face was bursting with joy.
"What do you have to say?" he asked.
"Ahh, ahh… I don't know. I'm just shocked right now. Is this real life?"
I covered my face with my hands and smiled, feeling so giddy over this moment. I glanced up at the standings again in disbelief. There were still a few rotations left for the gymnasts who'd started after I had, but I held my head high with hope.
Taking a seat, I leaned over and placed my elbows on my knees, and stared at the floor. I clasped my hands together and took in this accomplishment. I was a little deep in my emotions and wanted to remember this moment without the flashing of lights and cameras everywhere. Within the next hour I'd know if I had made the national team.
"Adrianna," Kova said, taking a seat next to me. He placed a hand on my back. "Have faith and trust me. What you did today was nothing less than extraordinary."
I looked at him. "I trust you as my coach, but you know I can't blindly trust you. Trusting you has gotten me nowhere."
A shadow crossed his eyes and remorse instantly filled me. I wasn't sure why I said that. It was cruel and just as soon as it left my lips, I regretted it. He'd given me everything I'd asked for in the gym, but the word trust and the name Kova didn't mesh well together and grated under my skin.
"I'm sorry."
"I know what is going through your head right now. You are an anxious ball of nerves and questioning everything. You are edgy. Your fingers are tingly. You have too much adrenaline pumping through you. It is normal to feel that way." I nodded, ashamed. It was like he was in my head. "And," he added, leaning in closer, "if you actually meant what you said, we would not be here right now."
I rolled my lips between my teeth and bit down, pushing the tears back. "You're right… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"Do not apologize. In all fairness, I have given you reasons to doubt me, but never when we are coach and gymnast. I have given you my all and more because I believe in you. I hope you can see that."
I tilted my face to the side and listened to his voice. "I can."
Kova nodded and handed me my jacket.
"I can't wear that right now. I'm sweating." He laughed, and I laid it on top of my bag. "Do you really mean that, though? That I did excellent today?"
"You should know by now I do not sugarcoat. I would not say it if it were not true." He placed his hand on my knee and I turned to face him. "You are a performer and you blew me away today, but you have since the season started. If the judges and head coaches for the team do not see that, then I have lost faith in the sport. You deserve to be on the national team. You gave it everything, and if we were not in front of hundreds o
f people, I would show you exactly how I truly feel and pull you in and kiss you right now. You radiate with a glow that draws me in in ways I cannot explain."
"Coach…" I kept my voice low, fearful someone could hear.
He put a hand up and waved me off. "I am sorry. I know it is wrong of me, but it is what I feel inside right now. I am enamored with every part of you—mind, body, and soul. I am addicted to the way your body takes over when you are under pressure and perform. I cannot tear my eyes from you. You are going places, Adrianna Rossi, and I wish I could be there with you every step of the way."
I shook my head, not understanding. "What are you talking about? You will be there."
His lips turned down and it caused a twinge in my chest. "Not forever."
I closed my mouth as realization set in. Time passed painfully slow, my emotions a disastrous mess I couldn't make sense of. Tears burned the back of my eyes and I struggled to steady my breath. Kova was, once again, right. He wouldn't be there forever as my coach, and despite all our grievances, I didn't want to fathom that. There were no two people as in sync as us, and moving further apart. It wasn't fair.
We sat together in silence as the meet finished. The announcer’s voice thundered across the gym with directions for the coaches and athletes.
Kova's throat bobbed as he swallowed. "Come on. Let us go and wait as the final scores are tallied."
I nodded, and picked up my gym bag and slung it over my shoulder. After sitting for the last hour, my body had time to decompress and the weight of the day set in. Everything was tight and the pain under my ribs was back. I drew in a quiet breath and applied pressure to my side. Clenching my eyes shut, I prayed the pain would go away and accidently stepped into Kova.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Oh, ah, yeah. I was just yawning and tripped," I lied.
I followed closely by his side, purposely not looking at the scoreboard. The last time I viewed it, I was still in the top eight, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.
We joined the other coaches and gymnasts. Kova patted my back, giving me words of encouragement and praise for my effort. The chatter grew louder, as did the pounding in my temples. Stars danced in my vision, either a sign of dehydration or stress. Reaching into my bag, I pulled out a bottle of water and took a large swallow.
