Madison’s Mess
Sea Shenanigans, Book 4
Robyn Peterman
www.robynpeterman.com
Copyright © 2019 by Robyn Peterman
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.
This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.
Cover by Rebecca Poole of dreams2media
Edited by Meg Weglarz
Created with Vellum
Contents
Acknowledgments
Book Description
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Epilogue
Note From The Author
More In This Series
Excerpt from: Switching Hour
Robyn’s Book List
About Robyn Peterman
Acknowledgments
Starting a new series is delightfully frightening. The Sea Shenanigans characters have been inside my head for quite a while and I adore each and every one of them! I can’t wait for you guys to read this book. Madison’s Mess was a blast to write. Madison and Rick are every kind of smexy and hilarious.
* * *
Anyhoo, as always, I write the book, but it takes a whole lot of wonderful people to make the magic happen. I am a lucky girl because I have a whole lot of wonderful people in my life.
* * *
Rebecca, thank you for my beautiful cover. You are the bomb!
* * *
Meg Weglarz, thank you. You are the best editor a gal could have!
* * *
Donna McDonald, thank you. You are the most brilliant MYST partner in the world!
* * *
My beta readers—Wanda, Susan and Elisa, thank you. I adore you.
* * *
And to my readers… thank you. I do this for you.
* * *
Steve, Henry and Audrey, thank you. I love you and you make everything worth it.
Dedication
For my Mom…
You taught me that the sky is the limit.
I love you.
Book Description
What could possibly go wrong when a Mermaid and a Werewolf are sent on a dangerous mission by the drunken, diaper-wearing God of the Sea?
* * *
Better question. What could possibly go right?
* * *
Madison
Unlike my sisters, I haven’t found my HEA. And I’m looking—hard. But finding a man who wants to blowhole dive in Hawaii on the first date is more difficult than you might imagine. I’ve been forced to settle for a few meaningless orgasms with men who disappear when I suggest fun activities, like scaling twenty stories while blindfolded.
* * *
Look, I know meaningless nookie won’t help me find my happily ever after, or even a guy who believes tightrope handstands over the Grand Canyon are fun. But there is someone out there for me so next time I do the horizontal mambo, it’s for keeps.
* * *
May the gods help me. Well, me and whoever I boink next.
* * *
Rick
Being a Vegan Werewolf has its drawbacks. I’ve been exiled from my pack and even the petting zoo of deer, rabbits and raccoons I keep safely tucked away from my fellow Weres isn’t enough to banish the loneliness I feel. Talking to myself is becoming dangerous. Just two days ago out of stupefying boredom, I made a wager with myself that I could fly. It didn’t end well.
* * *
Thankfully Poseidon is sending me on a mission. Unfortunately, it’s with a crazy Mermaid who has a worse reputation for death defying recreation than me.
* * *
I have no clue what’s in store, but may the gods help me. Well, me and this swimming hottie, because I’m totally down.
Prologue
Madison
“Just another freakin’ day in paradise,” I muttered to no one as I dipped back down under a crashing wave.
I was playing hooky. I was supposed to be manning the front desk of our tropical island tourist trap, but I decided a forty-two-minute power swim in the ocean would help my frayed nerves. Our tourist business was sucking less than usual. We had a lodge full of both human and immortal guests at the moment. Not real sure who decided picking an island smack in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle was a good plan, but that was exactly what my sisters and I had done a century ago.
And now? Now the Mystical Isle was our home.
“Five more minutes, guys,” I told the pod of dolphins that had joined me while I shirked my responsibilities.
The icy cold water on my overheated skin calmed me. Weaving in and out of the waves, I let my tail do most of the work. White foamy caps on the waves burst and slid back into the sea, morphing to a clear teal blue. The feeling of gliding through the salty water was almost indescribable. However, the restlessness I could sense from the sea creatures around me made my swimming almost manic. Moving fast enough was impossible. And I wasn’t sure if I was swimming toward the unrest or away. Something strange, or bad, or weird was going to happen… or possibly strange, bad, and weird. Kind of like my luck lately.
Was something coming for my island and the people I loved? Or was it coming for me?
I searched the horizon as I floated in my favorite place in the Universe—nothing but clear blue skies and enormous puffy white clouds overhead. My island home was a small dot in the distance. Was there an omen of impending doom in the roar of crashing waves? Was it the agitated behavior of the fish in the sea? Was my imagination working overtime… again?
My shimmering pink tail twitched under the waves as a school of minnows circled me and tickled my scales. Maybe I was imagining things. Living forever could do that to a person… or Mermaid, in my case. Remembering to find beauty in the simple things was fast becoming an effort.
Sharing everything with my sisters had made immortality less mundane, but they’d all found luuurve recently—and they were sharing their everlasting lives with their newfound other halves. Tomorrow was my eldest sister’s wedding to her idiot Pirate.
Tallulah, Misty and Ariel had all found their HEAs.
Me? I didn’t have one of those yet. I wanted one, but finding one was tying my tail in knots. Problem was, I was an adrenaline junkie who wanted adventure, life-threatening danger and to scale twenty story buildings while blindfolded. Finding a man who thought blowhole diving in Hawaii was a good date was seriously difficult.
Whatever. Settling for a few meaningless orgasms here and there with dudes who disappeared when I suggested sky diving without parachutes was going to have to suffice for now.
Wait. No. Maybe I was doing this all wrong… Meaningless orgasms were not going to get me a happily ever after or a guy who thought doing a handstand on a tightrope over the Grand Canyon w
as no biggie.
Fine. Not a problem. I was no longer going to have sex for fun. Next time I did the horizontal mambo, it was going to be for keeps. Finding a keeper might be a challenge, but there had to be someone out there that was as batshit crazy as I was…
May the gods help me, and whoever I boinked next.
1
Madison
“And so by the power vested in me by the online nuptial course I took last week on me pilfered laptop, I now pronounce ye, Pirate and Purple Swimmin’ Hooker,” Bonar shouted, raising his fists high in the air and pumping them like the dolt that he was. His puffy shirt had so much material in the sleeves that his face was completely obscured by the billowing yardage as he danced a spastic little jig around the wildly alarmed bride and grinning groom.
The small crowd was silent, surreptitiously glancing around trying to figure out if Bonar was joking or serious. He was serious and seriously looking to get his butt handed to him. Even the glorious surroundings of our lovely little island with the sun setting over the sparkling teal blue sea couldn’t negate the truth that the bride had just been called a working girl.
“Holy hell and seashells,” I muttered, biting back a grin. We were Mermaids, not humans. A human ceremony was bound to go wrong but I had no clue it would go this wrong.
My sister Tallulah had just married Pirate Doug aka that colossal mess of immortal idiocy in a human ceremony. The Pirate-Vampire was the very same immortal dimwit who had stolen her heart a century ago. He’d also stolen all of our money because he was a jackass. However, the heart wanted what the heart wanted. Tallulah wanted Pirate Doug and she was getting her wish. Thankfully, he was growing on all of us—mostly like an irritating yet non-fatal rash.
My other two happily mated sisters, Ariel and Misty, glanced over and tried not to laugh. The wedding was turning into a shit show. I had to suck my bottom lip into my mouth to keep from bursting into giggles.
Tallulah most certainly did not need to be called a purple swimming hooker on her wedding day. The Pirates had a very bad habit of referring to Mermaids as hookers. We were not hookers, occasionally loose in the morals department, but not hookers. The use of the term didn’t bode well for the Pirates’ lifespans—immortal or not.
It was all I could do not to wiggle my fingers and send a blast of glittering pink magic to set Bonar on fire. The heinous shirt and lacy breeches would go up in flames beautifully. Besides, a little fire might distract from the fact that the questionably qualified minister had just called the bride a streetwalker.
Bonar was immortal just like the rest of us. If he lost an arm or leg in the blaze, it would grow back in a few weeks. Granted it would be itchy, but he deserved a little discomfort for the confusing sermon about eyeliner wearing dingy danglers and cod faced tar stains. The Pirate, who quite accurately referred to himself as an arse, was dimmer than a single watt bulb. I was still shocked that Tallulah had agreed to let him officiate her wedding to the brain challenged love of her immortal life, Pirate Doug. But love and great sex did strange things to people.
All three of my Mermaid sisters had fallen head over tail in love in the past several months. It was wonderful even though they’d all three chosen oddballs. Ridiculously, they insisted I was next, but I couldn’t for the very long life of me figure out who my happily ever after would include.
“Fabulous ceremony,” Pirate Doug bellowed to the crowd. “I shall now bed my hooker.”
Tallulah flipped off her groom and decked him. Most of the guests applauded her violent behavior. Immortals tended to enjoy a little brawling at their gatherings.
Ariel giggled and tossed her teal blue locks over her shoulder. “We certainly go for the asshole idiot types.”
“Speak for yourself,” I chided my youngest sister with an eye roll.
“Umm… I was,” Ariel shot back with a laugh as she snapped her fingers and produced two piña coladas with colorful little paper umbrellas perched on the rims of the glasses.
Thankfully, she handed one to me. I downed it in a single gulp. It was difficult for a Mermaid to tie one on, but I was going to try.
Ariel sipped her drink and watched me wince as the brain freeze kicked in. “Want another?” she inquired with a grin.
“Yessssss,” I hissed, pressing my fingers to my forehead. “Make it a triple. Watching this wedding end in bloodshed requires alcohol.”
“Your turn is next, Madison,” Ariel replied, handing me another fruity drink.
I just rolled my eyes and secretly hoped she was right.
Ariel’s mate Keith was a Selkie with the maturity level of a fourth-grade boy. However, the big dummy loved my blue-haired sister to distraction and she loved his questionably intelligent ass right back.
Ariel’s name wasn’t really Ariel—it was Joan. My baby sister had watched The Little Mermaid so many times she’d adopted the name. Of course, I had no room to talk. My real name was Cindy. However, Splash was my favorite movie. Madison was far superior name to Cindy.
“I’m so happy I didn’t opt for a wedding,” Misty said, joining Ariel and me as we watched our sister Tallulah kick her groom’s ass.
Misty’s mate was a freakin’ demigod—Cupid no less. He wasn’t as dimwitted as Keith or Pirate Doug, but he came with his own set of challenges, which included an ego the size of the continental US.
“When you find the man of your dreams, I’d suggest eloping or just living in sin like I do,” Misty said, taking the drink out of my hand and swigging it.
“Noted. Anyhoo, I’m not in the market for a keeper. The single life suits me just fine,” I lied through my teeth. “I prefer blowing stuff up and bungee jumping.”
“Riiight,” Misty muttered with a laugh as she quickly made her way toward the smackdown between the bride and groom. Or to be more accurate… the smackdown of the groom by the bride. It wouldn’t be a Mermaid-Pirate gathering without a little massacre of sorts.
“Life isn’t complete without someone to bungee jump with,” Ariel added with a wink as she too went to separate the bride and groom before we needed a doctor.
“Again. Noted,” I said with another eye roll. Having my sisters feel sorry for me made my scales itch. I was perfectly fine being single and lonely. Not.
My sisters meant well. They were all ridiculously happy and wanted the same for me. Pulling on my pink hair, I sighed. Being a Mermaid was all kinds of fantastic and all kinds of sucky at the same time. Living alone for eternity came with its own set of challenges. We were colorful female warriors with healthy sex drives and deadly magical skills.
At least we’d given up the habits of our Siren ancestors. Eating our paramours was very old school and seriously gross. Hence the reason being called hookers didn’t exactly fly with us.
Our hair and our eyes were set from birth. My color was pink, Ariel’s was blue, Misty’s was emerald green and Tallulah’s was lavender. Each Mermaid’s hair and eyes were unique to them and no two were alike. However, the color of our tails changed with our moods and our fashion choices. I always matched my tail—or when in human form, my sarong skirt—to my bikini top.
“Did that arse Bonar make a joke, for the love of everything salty?” Poseidon grunted in confusion. “Not sure if I’m supposed to laugh, clap or twerk. These human rituals are bizarre. And if I’m correct, it looks like my idiot son might not survive his wedding.”
“Sadly, Bonar wasn’t joking,” I told the green-haired, man-diaper wearing God of the Sea with an eye roll. “Bonar’s a nard. Pretty sure he has no clue he just insulted the shit out of my sister. As for your son, Pirate Doug is really hard to kill. I’ve tried thirty-two times so I’m gonna go with serious injury, not death. And if you twerk, I’ll zap you bald. You feel me?”
“Is that the way you speak to the God of the Sea, Madison?” Poseidon demanded with a raised brow.
“Umm… yep,” I replied with a grin. “It’s a human rule. All grown men wearing what amounts to an adult diaper with a crown and carrying
a scepter are not allowed to twerk at nuptial ceremonies. It’s punishable by death or baldness.”
“My gods, humans are such bloodthirsty bastards,” Poseidon hissed, touching the top of his head to reassure himself that his long mossy green—and way out of style—hair was still present.
Simply shrugging, I smiled. While the God of the Sea did deserve respect, any full-grown man sporting Pampers and not much else was difficult to take seriously.
“I’m not a swimming hooker,” Tallulah shouted at the still dancing Bonar as she stepped on Pirate Doug’s head. “I’m a Mermaid and I have a name. Do the vows again, Bonar or you’ll be dancing the hempen jig.”
I didn’t even try to suppress my laugh. My sister was the freakin’ bomb. All three of my sisters were amazing and I adored them with every scale on my tail. However, even though Tallulah was technically our leader, I was never going to follow her lead if I ever found a keeper and have a wedding. This fiasco was a total shit show.
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