God, not again. Help me find Riley. It’s so dark. But I’m not coming up alone this time.
My chest aching, I stroke through the water, my legs and arms finding some synchronicity. I have to get to her. Time is running out. I can’t see a thing.
The waters engulfed me up to the neck; the watery depths overcame me;
Seaweed was wrapped around my head . . . but You raised my life from the Pit.
. . . As my life was fading away . . .
I remembered the Lord.
I push through the lake, reaching out, grabbing. I’m a windmill of movement.
And finally I make contact. My hands feel in front of me. Rush over the shape.
It’s Riley. I clutch her limp body to me. And paddle toward the top.
My legs weaken. My arms can’t carry the load. Not much farther. I have to keep going. God, give me strength. Where is my help?
I press on for what seems like an hour. My head grows light. My limbs soften and grow weightless. I tighten my grasp on my niece.
And accept the fact that we’re going to die together.
I give in. Use the dregs of my strength to keep her at my side. And just float.
I didn’t get to clean up all I wanted to in this life. But I was on the way. I would’ve told Connor how I felt about him. I would’ve kept Riley with me forever. I would’ve moved to Ivy. Occasionally I would even invite my dad over for pot roast. From the deli.
I would have told Beth she was the best friend I ever had. I would’ve stopped blaming myself for the way my sister’s life turned out. And my mother’s death. I would have told the world about those children who lived on the other side of my camera lens.
And I guess that’s enough. Just that I knew. And I finally dove in. I finally got it.
When the light flashes in my eyes, I don’t even have the energy to blink. Is this Jesus? Coming to pluck me from the depths? To take Riley and me home?
Hands reach for me, and I lean into them. Yes, get us out of here. I’m ready. I don’t have one single thing left to surrender, Lord.
My body bends as I’m pulled up. Riley’s taken from my arms, and I let her go. My fingers can’t hold her any longer.
I feel the water sluice off my skin. I’m raised up. Stretched out.
Lips press against mine. Air blows into the back of my throat, straight to my lungs. My chest rises. Expands. Hands press at my stomach.
I cough. Water trickles out of my mouth.
My eyes lift the barest of centimeters. Just one.
And I see Connor’s face over mine. His mouth wide open. Aiming toward me.
“No.” It comes out as a croak. A grunt. I flop my hand toward him. “No more.”
“Maggie, thank God.” And I’m in his arms. Gathered to him.
My throat hurts with the force of pushing out one single word. “Riley.”
He nods against me. “She’s okay. She’s gonna be okay.”
I give a weak laugh against his bare chest. “You would do anything to make out with me.”
The hospital room is filled with flowers, balloons, and more importantly, boxes of candy.
I lean my head against the pillow, Riley spooned against me. I brush my hand over her hair again, needing to remind myself once more than she’s alive. And she’s here. Where she belongs. And I never have to relive last night again.
“I’m sick of watching The Price Is Right. I want to turn it back to Nickelodeon.” She pops another SweeTart in her mouth and wrangles for the remote.
“Give me five more minutes,” I say. “I want to see if the short guy wins the final round.”
The model steps back to reveal the prize he could win. A shiny new bass boat.
“You’re right. I’ve been selfish.” I take the remote myself. “Let’s turn it.”
As SpongeBob SquarePants squeals on the television, Connor sticks his head in the doorway. “Anybody home?”
“I am!” Riley jumps from the bed and runs to hug him.
“I brought a friend who really wanted to see you.” He sticks his hand from beneath his unseasonable jacket and pulls out Riley’s wiggling puppy.
“Matilda!” She grabs her puppy and lets Matilda lick her face. “You missed me, didn’t you?” Riley giggles and plops on the floor to play with her dog.
With his hands in his pockets, Connor walks to my bedside. I resist the urge to explain my disheveled appearance. My lack of makeup. The pudding on my shirt. Riley and I were too busy lounging around to shower. Or do much of anything hygienic.
“How are you?” His voice is too polite, too formal.
“Good.” A million things scramble through my head. I have so much I want to tell him. “You saved our lives.” I look over to my niece, who is completely absorbed in Matilda. “Thank you doesn’t even begin to cover it.” I reach out my hand, but he steps away.
“Beth said you and Riley are going home today.”
“Yes. Connor, I have to talk to you. I know you’re busy with all the reunion preparations, but maybe this evening we could—”
“I don’t think so, Maggie. We need to just let this go and move on.”
“But—”
“I should go.” He steps toward Riley and rubs the top of her head. “I’m afraid Matilda has to leave with me. She’ll be waiting for you when you get home.”
“Awww.” Riley gives the dog a small squeeze, then hands him over. “You’re so awesome for bringing her. Isn’t Connor the best, Maggie?”
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Yes . . . the best.”
I watch Connor walk out the door. And out of my life.
After the doctor gives us the final all clear, Beth drives us home in the pizza mobile, with Dad strapped in the passenger seat. He listens to Riley chatter all the way to the house.
With the resiliency only found in a child, Riley bounds up the steps with Josie and the two play video games while the puppy nips at their toes. My dad shuts himself in his room to take a nap.
I pick up my phone and call Connor, but it goes straight to voice mail. All seventeen times.
When Mrs. Bittle comes to check on us, I convince her to stay for a bit while I get out of the house.
The cemetery looks mournful today as the sun remains hidden behind the clouds. The grass reaches out to tickle my ankles as I kneel down in front of my mother’s grave.
Constance Marie Montgomery
Beloved Daughter, Wife, and Mother.
Fearlessly She Lived. Joyfully She Loved.
I trace my hands over the script. “Fearlessness means never giving up. And you did. But I can forgive you. I can’t imagine what it was like to live in your head.” I swipe at some dust on the top of the stone. “You have an amazing granddaughter. She’s a little like you. And scarily enough—a lot like me. And I’m going to take care of her, Mom. And she’s never going to have to run from anything in her life.” I wipe a tear with the back of my hand. “Well, unless I try using the stove again.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Are you sure about this?”
I run a swath of hair between the paddles of the flatiron. “Yes. Don’t talk me out of it.”
Riley sits on the bathroom counter, her legs kicking a staccato beat on the cabinet. “I’m just saying, if you’re going to go after Connor, you should stuff your bra. Cody told Zach who told Hannah who told Josie that guys like big boobs.”
Ten. She’s ten! “Brains. I’m sure he meant to say boys like girls with large intellects.”
“Oh. Can you get those at Victoria’s Secret?”
“Wish me luck?” I lean down and give her my cheek. She kisses it and squirts me with some perfume.
“You look great. Especially for a lady who was fish bait only two days ago.”
“Thanks.” I walk into my bedroom and grab my new handbag. Its black patent leather matches my sleek new dress and my sassy hot-pink heels.
“Be home by midnight,” Riley says, picking up her squirming puppy. “It’s im
portant you set a good example for me.”
I pause with my hand on the door. “I love you, kid. I really do.”
She rolls her eyes. “You too.” She rubs her dog’s silky ear. “Aunts are so gushy sometimes, Matilda.”
I blow her a kiss, then make my way downstairs. My father is waiting at the bottom.
“What’s this?” I frown at the box behind his back.
“It’s nothing.” He can’t even look at me as he rests the box on the banister and removes a corsage. “Just a flower for your dress. Silly thing. Mrs. Bittle told me to get it for you.”
I take the rose from him and pin it on myself. “It’s perfect.”
We stare at one another for a moment. Finally he clears his throat, leans in, and pecks me on the cheek. He steps back, his face as pink as my shoes. “Well, have a good time. Go get ’im, and all that stuff.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“I really messed up with you, Maggie.”
I nod once. “I know.”
“I’m gonna have a lot of time on my hands now that I’m retiring—again—from the factory. I just . . . I just thought maybe when you buy your new house you and Riley could still come over some.”
“Of course we will.”
“For the food?”
“It’s a big draw.” I laugh and squeeze his hand. “We’ll find our way.”
“I’m glad you’re back home. For good.”
“Me too.”
I race out of there before I have to reapply mascara. There’s something about coming home that can make a girl cry more in one month than in her entire life. Maybe I’m just getting it all out of my system. Clearing the way and making room for the happy memories.
My stomach is tied up like a sailor’s knot as I enter the Ivy gym. My date stands in the lobby and waits for me.
“Hey, Jermaine.” I loop my arm in his.
“Some fellow already get you a corsage?”
“Yep.” I smile. “He’s an okay guy. But he’s not you.”
Jermaine booms with laughter. “This better not ruin my chances for picking up some chicks. My mama wants to see me married.”
“If you want, I’ll tell all the ladies here that you were the best kisser who ever walked the halls of Ivy High.”
“I like the way you think.”
“I’ll also give you all the shrimp puffs off my plate tonight.”
“Let’s go get your man back.”
We mix and mingle for a while. I apologize to the few remaining people I hadn’t run into or offended again since being in town. Then my date and I head for the dance floor.
“There they are.” His whisper is a buzz in my ear. “I’ll take her, you take him.”
I bite my lip on a smile. “Good plan.”
Jermaine drags me by the hand toward Danielle and Connor, who sway to a slow ballad. Danielle’s glowing smile fades as she sees us.
“May I cut in?” Jermaine doesn’t wait for her agreement. He pulls Danielle’s body to his, presses her head to his chest, and gives me the okay sign as he leads her away.
Connor turns to me, his expression completely neutral.
I clear my throat and square my shoulders. “You look amazing.” His tux makes him look like he’s leaving any minute to walk the red carpet. But the glower is not going to win him any Mr. Congeniality awards.
“I think we’ve said all we need to say.”
“I haven’t. There are more words.” My brain starts and stops. Freezes and shifts. “More words to say that weren’t said before that would be good words right now. Here. For this moment. In time. And space.” Omigosh. I must still have water floating between my ears.
“Maggie, I don’t need—”
“I’m falling in love with you,” I blurt out.
Beside us two couples slam into one another.
“I am.” I nod like a bobblehead. “And not because you saved my life—though that was really cool. And I’m grateful. Because I didn’t want to die. I really didn’t. And it was dark down there and quiet and creepy.” It’s like I left all my good lines at home—where I practiced! “I know I’m not the safe, sweet flower of a girl you think you’re looking for, but you shouldn’t look for her. Because she’s probably in a watercolor class somewhere or taking care of her plants or making a casserole, and I don’t know how to do any of those things.” Lord, a quick, painless death right now, if you please. One of those disappear-in-a-cloud numbers.
“Why are you back, Maggie?”
“Because I’m moving to Ivy. I quit my job. Well, both my jobs. I got the National Geographic job, but I’m not taking it. I can’t. You were right—it’s not what I want. I’m bored with my work, and I know I’m supposed to do something else. But that’s really scary, and I don’t really want to think about that right now because I left my Pepto-Bismol at home.” I hold up my bag. “It wouldn’t fit in here. I totally tried to stuff it in.”
Connor moves as if to leave. “I need to see if Beth needs some help.”
“No!” I grab his sleeve. More reuniongoers stop what they’re doing and watch the attraction in the center of the court. But I don’t care. For the first time in my life, I don’t care what people think of me. “I’m staying in Ivy. I’m keeping Riley. She’s mine, Connor. My sister is probably going to be gone for a long time, and I’m raising my niece. And she’s going to be loved and encouraged. And she’s going to be brave. Braver than I ever was.”
He runs a finger under his collar and looks at me like he’s seconds away from physically removing me. But I can’t turn back now.
“The water was rushing to my ears. All this time. But then I called out to God, and I just let it go. I surrendered everything. I had been holding back. I was just going to church and not really living for God. Or myself. And Connor”—I take a bold step forward as he glares down—“if I had died in that water, I had already decided all these things. And I was at peace with it all. Except for the fact that I didn’t tell you how important you were to me.”
Something flickers in Connor’s gaze. His jaw unclenches. He starts to speak and I hold up a hand to stop him. He has to hear all of it.
“You’re right, you know. I am afraid of everything. I’m afraid of spiders with weird spots. And tornadoes. And airplane chicken. And rusty nails. And deleting e-mail forwards without sending them to twenty friends. And being like my mother. And not being like my mother. And my job.” I step closer. “I’m afraid to not matter. To not leave my mark on this world. To die and be so insignificant, no one would know.”
His voice is ragged, hoarse. “I would know.”
Hope flares like a bottle rocket, but I press on. “I’m afraid of the directions on pasta. I don’t even know what al dente means. And I’m afraid of loving someone . . . and him not loving me back. Because that’s all I’ve known.” I grip the arms that once held me tight with a promise I couldn’t handle. “And I’m quite scared of you, Dr. Blake. You make me all weird and tingly inside. And sometimes you’ll look at me a certain way, and I’ll get to feeling panicked. But then you just reach out your hand, like you understand, and my heart stops racing. And I stop looking for the nearest plane to jump out of. It’s quite possible I love you, Connor. And I don’t know what to do with that yet. And no amount of hand-holding can calm that huge, ginormous, monstrous anxiety right now. And I don’t know if I can make you happy or if I’m going to botch this up royally. But I want to try. God sent someone to tell me that it’s okay to be afraid. But until I push through and keep going, then I’ve lost . . .” I take a deep, cleansing breath. “And I don’t want to lose you.”
The room around us explodes into applause. I ignore them all. I just focus on the man in front of me.
“Please,” I whisper. “Tell me you’ll stop looking for Miss Boring and Perfect.”
A smile spreads on Connor’s face. Then he crushes me to him in a kiss. His warm lips press on mine, and I wrap my arms around him, smooshing my corsage. And the padding in my bra.
Connor dips me back and kisses me until I don’t have a thought in my head. “You don’t ever have to fix pasta for me,” he says against my lips.
“I’m not ready to give up on that either. I’m going to keep trying.”
He laughs and drags me to his chest. “Maggie Montgomery, I don’t know if this world is ready for the bolder, braver you.”
“You know what this makes me in the mood for?”
He groans. “Skydiving? Bats and caves?”
I smooth the front of his shirt. “Chess.” I brush my lips over his. “A big old sexy game of chess.”
Epilogue
One year later
I knew I should’ve gone with the tuck pleats.” Beth runs her hands down my ivory gown and clucks her tongue. “Riley, please get off the floor and leave that dog alone before she drools on your dress again.”
“Beth, relax.” I pin my veil in place and check myself in the mirror. I see hints of my mother’s face. Her eyes. Her smile. But not her fear.
I mean, sure, I have enough butterflies in my stomach to cover a botanical garden. But today I marry Connor Blake. Doctor, best friend, hero, and studliest thing to ever drive a pickup in Texas.
Carley was upset when I quit Passport to the World, but not so mad she didn’t fly in for my wedding. National Geographic upped their offer on my contract, but I had to tell them no once again.
Because my home is here.
Jane from the airplane? I e-mailed her back and gave her that update. And what a story I had to tell. I went down to the pit like Jonah. I felt the water close over my head. And I cried out to my God. But I rose from the waters with a firm resolve to live my life like it mattered.
I also rose from those waters with a few ticks and a minnow in my pants.
Turns out Jane was the mother of a Discovery Channel executive. And although they too passed on my documentary, Discovery introduced my work to three other companies. And one of them even bought it. They call themselves HBO. I’m working on my third project right now, and we’ll be traveling to Cambodia for part of our honeymoon.
Today my dad won’t walk me down the aisle. He asked me if he could, but I kissed his cheek and kindly told him no. I wanted him to have a front row seat to the new me. And besides, Riley’s the girl for the job. We’ll walk down that aisle together, hand in hand. The new regime of Montgomery girls. Ready to take on the world. For real, this time.
Just Between You and Me Page 27
