by S S Bazinet
Michael looked up from the book he was reading. “But it did.”
“How can you say that? William is more resentful than ever. He hated me before, now his rage is off the charts.”
“But his body is better. There’s a chance that he’ll pull through.”
“Right, and he’ll personally come gunning for me. Or maybe he’ll blow up my house.”
“Try not to think so negatively.”
“You’ll be thinking negatively if you’re blown to bits too. From what you told me, a physical body is a very special gift that angels are supposed to respect and care for. Yours will be plastered all over my walls if William has his way.” He paused and rubbed the arm of the sofa. “Or maybe that maniac he’s contacted will get us both first. William doesn’t think I know about him, but I do. That’s the trouble with this so called gift of yours. All the crap is exposed. All the stuff I don’t want to think about is always there in my face. What kind of gift is that?”
“Would you rather not know about this person that William has engaged?”
Arel’s fingers stilled. “I suppose there’s an advantage in knowing. I can prepare myself for what’s coming, but—”
“Not just prepare, but create something different for yourself.”
“Yes, I know you said the future is fluid, that I can change what happens to me, but this man is going after William too. When I tune into his mind, it’s clear that he’s planning on taking both of us out.” He picked at a small nub of fabric. The material on the sofa arm was smooth except for that one little defect. “How can I keep William safe? If he lives, that is.”
“You can address that issue later. For the moment, try to stay focused on what’s happening now.”
“Fine, but you haven’t really answered my original question. What went wrong last night? William should be soaking up the sun in some Garden of Eden right now, not gritting his teeth and growling at me.”
“What was your intention?”
“To kill him.”
“Look a little deeper.”
Arel thought about holding William in his arms and witnessing not only the man’s physical pain, but the pain that came from growing up with cruel and clueless people, people who branded a sensitive child’s mind, who convinced a young boy that mankind was repugnant. “I wanted him to be happy again. I wanted him to know heaven instead of living a hell on earth.”
“And you gave him that chance. Being alive doesn’t have to be hell. Trust that he can find what he loves right here.”
“I suppose that anything is possible, but what about my power? I didn’t have any control.”
“Intention is another way of expressing control. When you forget your personal agenda and concentrate on wanting the best for someone, you have perfect control.”
“I wish William knew that. Better or not, he’s still in a lot of pain and nights are the worst for him. I’m going to be there again this evening, no matter how much William cusses me out.”
“I’d advise you to take it easy. You talked about my physical form, but you don’t always stay aware of how hard you are on your own body. Last night’s session took a toll on you.”
“I thought you said my control was perfect.”
“But there was a lot of emotional turmoil before that.”
“You mean when I was breaking William’s precious vase and screaming like a banshee? William has a way of bringing out my worst. It’s hard to think about my body when my emotions take over.” Frowning, he stared at the sofa arm and tugged at the tiny nub of thread more vigorously, accidentally breaking it off and leaving a small flaw in the fabric. His frown deepened into furrows of panic. “Oh no!” William was as meticulous as Arel. He was also very astute when it came to noticing the smallest of details in his environment. “Quick, Michael, I have a little situation here. Go to the store and see if you can find fabric glue.”
Thirty-One
IT WAS NIGHTTIME, a time that ushered in William’s worst pain. He clawed at his covers, trying to find some small respite from his body as each second barely ticked by. His nerves were exposed, raw fibers of flesh stretched beyond the breaking point on the rack of time. Each second extended itself into an eternity of despair. He cried out for answers. How did he get himself into such a wretched state?
Is this my reward for living a life based on reason and sanity?
He grew up priding himself on his ability to act in a calm and rational manner. Arel complained that William was cold and calculating. In a way, Arel was right. William refused to allow his feelings to run his life. He thought about each act before he followed through. He was aware of his demons and even acted on them when he was still young and still establishing control. But he soon learned to keep them housed away. As a result, he’d never felt guilty about his life or his actions, even those deeds that involved taking the lives of others. His choices were precise and justified. He punished the unconscious, selfish people who defiled the earth, people like his father and a score of hateful teachers.
As he matured and he put his need to punish others behind him, life became almost tranquil. He enjoyed each day. He traveled, added to his art collections, and found his own company to be generally preferable to interactions with others. He enjoyed time spent in the beds of beautiful women, but on the whole, he loved his solitude.
Now, if he was being punished, what was his crime? He’d slain his inner demon, sacrificed himself when it tried to harm the innocent Annabel. So why was he suffering? Then he thought about Arel, and the misery began to make sense.
The moment that I gave another person the power to matter to me, I was doomed.
There it was. Mystery solved.
Caring equals misery! Be it a fox or a person, you can’t let yourself care about something outside yourself and expect to go unpunished.
With Arel, he had gone beyond caring. He made a decision to save Arel’s life when he knew Arel would hate him for it.
He still hates me for it. He’s already had his revenge and infected me with his madness and barred me from a decent afterlife, but it wasn’t enough.
William had begged Arel to put him down like you would a suffering animal. It was the humane thing to do. How could anyone see another person in such pain and not try to help?
But would he come to my aid? Of course not! The lying bastard has no mercy in his heart, only a continued desire to dole out his vengeance under the guise of being my brother.
He shut his eyes, trying not to scream out as his rage escalated. It festered inside of him, growing in its power to torture him. Hatred seized his torn bowels and made him whimper and whine. Thrashing and twisting helplessly, he couldn’t escape the steel jaws of a vicious cycle. Pain fed his emotions and his emotions fueled his pain. Yet, in the middle of his misery, he heard a voice. It was very polite and unaffected in the midst of his feeble pleas for death.
“I’m going to stay with you again,” Arel said as he came over to the bedside.
The announcement couldn’t be rebuffed. William’s body was prone and powerless. He couldn’t even curse Arel. He had no breath left in his lungs to defend himself. What breath remained was given over to the forlorn moans of a creature stripped of dignity.
“I’m going to try what I did before,” Arel said as he climbed into the bed. “Something went wrong last night, but maybe—”
“Help me!” William loathed himself as soon as he said the words. But they came out anyway. There was no pride left in him. He was a groveling animal, kicked into submission, begging for some scrap of compassion from a master who could inflict pain or pleasure. The night before, Arel had given him a few hours of respite. William knew that he’d do anything for another few.
Arel nodded as he put his arms around William and began to gather him up. “I’ll do what I can.”
Every movement made William cry out, not just with the pain, but with sorrow and grief. He’d lost himself so completely. He didn’t know how to hold on any longer. A part of
him listened to his pitiful blubbering. That part was disgusted at his state, disgusted at how far he’d lower himself for a little relief, but the pain was stronger than the censure. As he rested against Arel’s breast, he clung to him like a feeble, needy child.
“Help me . . . .” The words trickled out again.
“I’m trying,” Arel whispered back as he carefully placed his hand over William’s heart.
Almost immediately, a warm glow began to break through William’s pain. Miraculously, it only took a few more moments for the pain to begin to recede. His body began to relax, and some small measure of clarity returned. He even began to forget about his rage. All that he wanted was to find that place where he could float in the waters of bliss again. “Please, don’t let me come back to this world.”
Arel heaved out a heavy exhalation. “If only I could promise that, but we’re both caught up in something neither of us can control.”
“I don’t understand.”
“That’s the point, neither do I.”
William didn’t know how, but he knew that Arel was telling the truth. Maybe the guy lied about a lot of things, but he wasn’t lying now.
Arel’s gaze was steady and clear. “I know you think I’m your worst nightmare, Will, but I never wanted this.”
“But you did!”
Arel let out a great sigh. “You’re right. When we first met again in New York, it was so hard. When I saw you, I realized you were a perfect example of a human being who’s capable and able to deal with life. I felt so useless, so inadequate in comparison. Before I met you again, I tried everything I knew to be a better man, and yet I failed completely. I blamed you for making me live with myself. I betrayed you. Then I betrayed you again a while back, but not for the same reason.” He paused, letting his hand fall away from William’s chest.
There was an immediate shift, as if someone turned down the flame on a fireplace where William was warming the chill from his bones. A hint of the pain began to make itself known.
“Keep talking,” he ordered as he put Arel’s hand back where it belonged.
“Sorry, I drifted for a moment.”
“Well, stop it. It’s obvious that you need to stay focused. Get back to your story.”
“Where was I?”
“You were talking about violating my rights the second time.”
There was another long sigh before Arel began speaking again. “When I kept you earthbound, it was because I’m such a coward. What would I do if you left the world, and I had to face myself alone? It’s no excuse, but it’s the way I feel. I wish to god it was different, but I’m still lost so much of the time. Then, last night, I finally found the guts to let go of you. I wanted you to be safe from the pain and suffering, safe in a place where none of that existed.”
Arel’s tale was such a pathetic one, William almost laughed. As much as he hated the person holding him, he couldn’t help himself. No one could compete with Arel when it came to explaining one’s shortcomings. “You tried, but you screwed up?”
“Yes, I screwed up.”
“I always told you that you’re an idiot. It’s my own fault for letting you try to kill me.”
“I’ll try again tonight, but I can’t promise anything.”
It was William’s turn to pause, to reflect on how different he felt with Arel’s warm hand on his chest. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. A few moments ago, I felt like an animal, one that hated you from the depths of its soul.”
“But you let me help you.”
“Maybe, but I also despised you and myself at the same time.”
“I know. I felt it,” Arel said. His tone was calm and accepting.
“It’s strange. I know that deep down my feelings haven’t changed, but I can’t seem to connect with them now.”
Arel let out another sigh. “It’s the power we’re tapped into. If we allow it, its energy helps us to go beyond our emotions. It’s also making me sleepy.”
Lying against Arel’s chest, William noted that Arel’s heartbeat, so strong the night before, was weaker, more flighty. “Are you okay?”
“Of course I am,” Arel insisted.
“No, you’re not.” Just like he’d known when Arel was telling the truth, William knew when Arel was being deceitful. The energy they were tapped into was also acting like a lie detector. “Your heart feels weird.”
“Whatever.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself, at least while you have my life in your hands.”
“I’m doing my best.”
“Dammit, Arel, that’s not good enough. Forget your failings and generate some energy. Your hand is getting cold and the pain’s coming back.”
Arel sat up straighter and took a few deep breaths. “Fine, maybe we should talk about something else.”
“Yes, I agree, so get on with it.”
Thankfully, the warmth returned as soon as Arel began telling William about a little boy named Ariel and a baby named Sara. William drifted off soon after that.
Thirty-Two
PEGGY SAT BLURRY eyed over her cup of morning tea. She was drinking an herbal brew called passionflower. Coffee would have been a godsend, but after her fitful dreams, she didn’t want to add the strain of caffeine to her already anxious state. Hopefully, Sara would sleep in for a couple of more hours, and she could go back to bed.
“Morning,” Tim said. He was tightening his belt as he walked into the kitchen.
“Your lunch is on the counter. I made one of your favorites, tuna on rye.”
“Thanks, with this meeting coming up this afternoon, I won’t have time to go out for lunch.”
“You sound a little tired. Didn’t you sleep well?”
He gave her a playful smile. “Are you kidding? You must have had some really crazy dreams. You kicked our covers off a couple of times.”
“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. I think I kicked you a couple of times too.”
His smile broadened. “You came close, but you didn’t kick anything important.”
“I seem to have this problem every time Arel goes to London.”
“At least he’s trying to improve his communication skills. He did call us from the airport before he left.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t seem to lessen my nightmares.”
Tim was about to reach for his lunch when he paused and stared at her. “How bad were they?”
“Don’t worry, they weren’t so horrible that you have to check on him. In fact, I dreamed about his friend, William, not Arel.”
“Again? The last time he was in one of your nightmares, you saw a river of blood and thought this William had something to do with it.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“What’d you see this time?”
“It was really just the reverse. He was a nice guy. Maybe that’s because of what Arel said about him the day before he left. He convinced me that William is really quite pleasant. But in my dream, this scary demon was after him. I was there too, trying to help him fight it off.”
“By giving it a lesson in kickboxing?”
Peggy laughed. “Yes, something like that. Actually, I was pretty good.”
“Maybe I should sleep in the spare room if you think you’re going to continue the match tonight.”
“No way, I won’t be able to sleep at all if my gallant knight isn’t by my side. But it’s okay, I’ll give myself some suggestions before I go to sleep. I read in some magazine that it can help.”
Tim came over and kissed her cheek. “Just try to relax. Arel is obviously taking care of his buddy.”
“I guess you’re right. The last time I got all worked up, Arel came home and told me I was worried for nothing.”
“So why the frown?”
Peggy pursed her lips into a pout. “Sometimes Arel acts like I’m some big buttinsky, but I only want his best.”
“Oh, please, Peg. He’s lucky to have you looking out for him. How many times have you known when he was in trou
ble and helped him?”
“Yes, but he never seems to remember those times.”
“Look, it’s not you. Arel is a lot different than he was when we met him, but he’s still working things out. He can still be very guarded.”
She cradled her cup, trying to let Tim’s practical outlook appease her wounded pride. “I suppose I have to take your word for it.”
Tim took the cup out of her hands and elbowed her up. “Go back to bed. Get some rest.”
“You’re right. I’m turning over a new leaf. No more worrying about Arel. He said that Michael is with him, and we both know that Michael can take care of whatever happens.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that.”
She walked Tim to the garage door, kissed him again and waved goodbye. After his calming influence, she felt better. With a little more sleep, she’d be back to her normal self.
I’m learning. It’s taken me a long time to give myself a break, but I’m doing it.
She was about to climb the stairs when Carol and Kevin came to mind.
Carol went to the therapist yesterday. I wonder what she thought of him. Is the guy any good? Will she get the help she needs? I hope so.
As Arel moved into the background, Carol came forward, another person to worry about. She hadn’t seen her friend for days. What if Carol was depressed again?
No, I will not go there.
She let out a snort of defiance.
I’m going to bed.
She was almost at the top of the stairs when she heard a faint cry. After a moment, it was louder, more demanding.
Great. Sara’s awake. No nap for me.
Thirty-Three
IT WAS STILL early morning as Kevin walked up the stairs, carrying a plate of saltines and a mug of tea. When he got to the bedroom door, he paused and gave Carol as hopeful a smile as he could manage. It was hard not to let his true feelings show. In spite of their happy honeymoon, Carol was on a downward spiral, and he didn’t know how to help her.
