by S S Bazinet
Annabel stood by the window for a long moment. She could hardly make her lungs take in air. She knew that William had overheard her confession. “He knows what I am,” she gasped. Just as she had feared, William looked betrayed by that fact. In the brief moment when their eyes had met, his face was stricken with disbelief and the horror at how he’d been deceived. “I’ve ruined everything,” she said as she started for the door.
Raphael got up and followed her as she let herself out of the bedroom. “Annabel? Where are you going?”
Annabel didn’t answer. Instead, she started running down the hallway towards the front entrance. When she got to the door, she managed to open it. Without a look back at what she was leaving behind, she exited William’s house, ran down the stairs and kept running. She could hear Raphael calling after her, but she knew she wasn’t part of his world anymore. She didn’t feel like a human being either. She was lost in some no man’s land with nowhere to go. Her only choice was to accept the truth. She’d failed William in the worst kind of way. She’d damaged his connection to his heart when he was just starting to trust that part of himself. Her own heart felt hollow and wanting, but she couldn’t let herself think about that. It was better to let a comforting numbness grab hold.
* * * * *
William barely made it back to his room. Once inside, he had to pause to get some air. He couldn’t think clearly after what he’d just heard. As he took several gasping breaths, he noticed Raphael’s raised voice in the room next to his. The angel sounded upset.
“Michael! It’s Annabel. She’s in trouble.” Raphael’s words came out in a rush.
When Michael responded, his voice was edgy too. “What are you saying?”
“Annabel’s gone. She ran out of the house and kept going. I called to her, but she’s so confused, she wouldn’t listen. She’s shut me out completely.”
The news snapped William out of his stupor. His mind was still reeling after finding out he’d been misled, but he had to ignore his own problem. Annabel, the person he thought he loved a few minutes earlier, was in danger. Raphael’s statement was confirmed by William’s growing ability to connect to other people. If he went deep enough within, he could actually feel Annabel’s panic as if it was his own.
Stop! Don’t let yourself be pulled in again. Forget about her.
He immediately began to distance himself from caring about Annabel’s welfare. Yet, he couldn’t content himself completely. He had to talk to Raphael and get some answers. His face was lined with anger and fatigue when he walked into Arel’s bedroom. “Raphael, what do you mean Annabel’s shut you out? She’s one of you, right? She can’t do that.”
Raphael turned and looked at him. “She isn’t one of us anymore. She loves you on a personal level, William. She’s given up her wings.”
William walked over and grabbed Raphael’s shirt. “Angels can’t do that. An angel is always an angel.”
Raphael stiffened a bit. “That isn’t true. They’re free to choose a different path.”
William’s hand was shaky. “You mean they can become one of us?”
“That’s right.”
William let go of Raphael and backed up. He felt his exhaustion deepening as he thought about the newest calamity that he faced. “I can’t believe any of this, but let’s say an angel does forfeit its wings, what happens to them after that?”
Raphael sighed. “Hopefully, they’ll learn to adapt to the human world, but many times they don’t know how. It can be a very perilous transition. Annabel could quickly lose her will to live. If she dies in that state, she won’t have any other life experience to fall back on. It could take many lifetimes as a human for her to find her way back to any kind of happiness.”
William wanted to nurse the anger that was fast replacing the shock he’d had when he learned about Annabel’s true identity. It was a righteous anger. Annabel had lied to him. The whole time she was with him, she’d misrepresented herself. “Dammit, no wonder she seemed so perfect. She wasn’t human!” he shouted.
Neither angel responded. They stared back, but they didn’t attempt any conversation.
“I see,” William said as he continued to glare at them. “First I’m saddled with Arel. Now, I’m supposed to care about one of you, correct? Well you can just clean up this mess yourselves!”
Raphael shrugged. “I wish we could clean it up as you say. With all my heart I wish I could help her, William. But Annabel gave up her wings for you. If you could let her know that you forgive her for misleading you, it might help her to let us in. Otherwise—”
“Otherwise what?” William growled.
“Like I already told you, if she loses faith in herself, she’ll have to bear some very severe consequences.”
“I don’t understand.”
“When a person trusts in the power of love and feels that trust has betrayed them, they go into a very dark place.”
It was taking all of William’s willpower to hold his emotions in check. He might have asked for full disclosure from Raphael, but now he knew too much. “Bloody hell, I can’t believe it!” As he was feeling the burden of another life added to his shoulders, he glanced at the bed and noticed that Arel had a little more color in his cheeks. The IV was helping. He was getting some much needed blood. “My god, I’m the one that should have wings, not you two. I’m the bloody idiot who has to save everyone.”
Michael came over to where William was standing. “We’d be very grateful if you could help Annabel,” he said in a strong, affirmative tone.
William recognized a leader when he saw one. Michael personified the role. With steady, crystalline eyes, he exuded a powerful energy that could definitely inspire even the most hesitant of followers. William wasn’t a follower, but he did have a definite sense of what was needed in the situation. First, he had to put his anger aside and temporarily let go of his own agenda. Next, he had to find Annabel. On reflection, he knew he was putting too much blame on her. In truth, she was an innocent at heart. Her only crime was that she cared too deeply about the man she was trying to help.
She cared too much about me! The misguided creature forfeited her wings. Now I have to keep her from throwing her life away too.
Once that task was accomplished, William would detach himself from any more thoughts of love and partnership. Annabel would serve as his final cure, one that set him back onto a course of solitude and sanity.
Taking a shaky step forward, he addressed Raphael and Michael with narrowed eyes. “Here’s the deal. If you want me to go after your little darling, you better zap me with some energy before I keel over. I’m running very low after last night’s rescue mission.”
Raphael smiled broadly. “You’re in luck. I’m well versed in energy restoration.”
“I can help you too,” Michael added. “People who run off when they have a problem have become a specialty of mine.”
William thought about what Michael had to endure as Arel’s official guardian and felt even more exhausted. “I could try to imagine what you go through, but if I did, I might blow out the last of my working circuits.”
Sixty-One
A SUDDEN PANIC grabbed hold of Annabel when she realized that William overheard her conversation with Raphael. An overwhelming surge of alarm fired through her body. She bolted from her room and kept going. She couldn’t stop and face the man she loved. She couldn’t bear the thought that William would look at her with hate-filled eyes. Yet, no matter how far or fast she ran, she’d never escape her fate.
What have I done? What have I done?
Breathless, she stopped and braced herself against the hard brick of a nearby store front. Again the question repeated. But why did she bother to ask the question when she knew the answer. She’d fallen in love with a human. No, it was more than that. She hadn’t just fallen in love. She had made her love for William more important than anything else, including being an angel. It happened so gradually that it was a shock when the truth dawned on her. Earli
er in their relationship, she’d been sitting by William’s sickbed, opening her heart to him as he slept, wishing that she could lie down next to him and that they could hold each other forever. In that quiet moment, in that still point in time, as she entertained thoughts of love and the joining of two hearts, she had set events in motion. On a deep, hidden level within, she was already preparing for the final step. Today she’d taken that step and given up her wings.
Raphael and Michael had informed her of what that meant. But their words were just words. Even experimenting with the feeling of being a human wasn’t like the real thing. As she forced herself into an upright position and began walking again, reality set in. She hadn’t just made a decision. With each step she took, she moved further into an existence where there was no certainty. Total faith and conviction were left behind as a heavy fog began to cloud her mind. She had exchanged her blissful knowledge of who she was for the unpredictable world of earth life. Feelings ruled this world. She’d seen Arel in the steely grip of fear many times. Would it become her new master? Had she given up her beautiful wings to don a cloak of dread?
She didn’t want to know how these negative forces worked, but she didn’t have that option now. Her mind and body were already responding to her new role as a human. The light that she’d always known was fading, as if she was going blind. She had a gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach.
She paused again, this time in front of a small restaurant. When she looked through the plate glass window, she recognized the tea shop where she had first talked to William. But that bright moment was behind her now.
I can never go back to my old life.
She opened the door to the café, knowing that she had to calm herself, at least for a few minutes. Once inside the restaurant, she made her way past an elderly man. He looked up at her with a face that was heavily lined from pain. As he reached out for his cane and tried to stand up, his shoulders were bent. He managed a smile anyway. She tried to send him some love to help him on his way, but her heart felt frozen and stiffer than the old man’s knees.
How can he still smile when he’s so sick?
The thought was a difficult one as she felt her legs getting heavier with every step? As an angel, she lived very lightly in her body. Now, the physical part of her felt dense and stagnant.
It’s because I’m letting myself think of what can go wrong.
The idea seemed simple to understand when she had her wings.
I have to stop this downward spiral! But how?
She found a table towards the back of the sunny room and tried to breathe. She didn’t have to wait long for her tea and scone, but as soon as she tried to take a bite of the pastry, she balked. She didn’t have an appetite like she did when she was there the first time. Just the thought of William made her stomach go queasy. She’d never see him again. The thought was almost unbearable.
Why is there a great longing inside of me? No matter what, I can love William, even if we’re apart. I’m sure that he doesn’t have to return that love in order for me to be happy.
But when she tried to push William out of her mind, she felt empty.
And rightly so! I don’t have anything in my life now, no purpose and no guiding hand from those who have always surrounded me.
That was one point she hadn’t considered before. While she was directing all her attention to loving William, she hadn’t contemplated her own place in the scheme of things. She didn’t have to when she had wings. She was a part of a greater system. She was like a flower in a vast garden of the Creator.
Until I gave up my place in that garden.
She knew that everyone and everything were part of the Divine, not just angels. The difference was that angels never forgot that fact. Humans did. It was part of the game they played. A veil of forgetfulness shrouded the fact that they were always connected to one source energy. Even if she reminded herself of that truth, she was losing her ability to feel it.
She looked around the eatery. There were several other single patrons. Each one was caught up in a world of their own.
Soon I’ll be just like one of them. All my memories will feel like dreams that never happened.
Where would she go when she left the restaurant? What would she do? Maybe she’d have to wander forever, another homeless person on the streets of London. The thought stopped her breath. Her lungs stalled for a moment when she imagined what lay ahead of her.
I don’t belong anymore!
She tried to stand up, but her legs were unsteady. What was wrong with her body? Why couldn’t she get enough air? As she tried to understand what was happening to her, she heard someone call out her name.
“Annabel?”
The sound jarred her. She’d already slipped into her own small space. In that fragile place, anything unexpected, even a noise or her name being called out, scared her. Her fingers clasped the arms of her chair. When she looked up, her lip was quivering. “William?” When she heard herself, she knew something was wrong with her voice too. It was as weak as her legs.
“Annabel, are you alright?” William asked.
He wore a scowl like the one she’d seen so often when he was annoyed with Arel. She tried to make her face smile back at him. It sometimes brought him a bit of comfort. But she couldn’t manage a smile. Instead she heard herself saying something that made her feel even worse. “You shouldn’t be here. Go away, please.”
William pulled out a chair and sat down. His scowl was replaced by a heavy sigh.
She noted his forced patience. “I’m sorry, William,” she blurted out. “I don’t want it to be this way either, so leave!”
“Listen, Annabel, I’ve come with a message from Michael and Raphael. They want to help you, but you have to let them in.”
She swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth as she realized she didn’t understand what he was talking about. The idea of Michael and Raphael didn’t compute anymore. They were beings that lived in a different realm. “William—” She tried to reach out to the one she loved, but her hands were still grasping the arms of the chair. The feel of the wood was the only solid thing in her life at that moment. No matter, she had to give William a message. “I want you to be happy.” Again, she tried to add a smile, but her eyes went blurry. That had never happened before. It was another clue that her body was truly broken. But she couldn’t let William in on her condition. He was just finding some peace in his life. Somehow she had to stay strong for a little while longer and convince him to forget he’d ever met her. She looked down at the table cloth, hiding herself from William’s probing gaze. “I have only one request. Make the time we had together mean something.”
“I’m grateful for all you did,” he said quickly. “Now, let me take you back home. Give yourself a couple of days to get this mess sorted out. Things will get better, I’m sure.”
“Better? Is that what you think?” She started laughing at the ridiculous thought, but she knew her laughter was offensive because William looked back with irritation. “I’m sorry,” she quickly apologized. “You’re trying to help.”
“Yes, Annabel, I am. Now stop being foolish and come back with me.”
Annabel didn’t know her mood or her physical vessel could shift so quickly. Suddenly, she was on her feet and rushing for the exit. “I don’t need your anger, William. I don’t need anything from you,” she yelled as she reached the door and let herself out. She was halfway down the block when she understood that her body wasn’t broken after all. Her voice worked and so did her legs. Her breathing was fast. She was taking in more oxygen. Her ears were fine too. She heard William calling out to her, but she refused to listen to anything he had to say. She was on her own now.
* * * * *
William exited the tea shop. Looking down the street, he watched Annabel running away from him. He didn’t follow her. He couldn’t. He had too much on his plate already. His thoughts went to Arel. The man was laid out prone in William's guest bedroom. From what Michael h
ad said, Arel’s physical and emotional recovery could be a long and difficult one.
William took in a gasping breath at the thought.
I’ll never escape that idiot or his needs! And I can’t let myself be tethered to another helpless person.
He didn’t have the strength. His body was worn and tired. His mind was worse than his body. The night before, it had been blasted by an explosive energy that he didn’t know how to control.
I refuse to add more problems to my life!
But in spite of everything, he couldn’t stop staring after Annabel. She seemed to be running blindly, bumping into people as she continued to put distance between them.
What will happen to her?
That very morning, when he opened his eyes and saw her smile back at him, his heart skipped a beat. The only thing in the world that he wanted was to reach out and hold her in his arms, to kiss every part of her. He knew without a doubt that she wanted him too. Her eyes were filled with a fire that he’d never seen in them before. They held the same passion that he felt. The two of them were a match in so many ways. Annabel wasn’t just passionate. She was capable, straightforward and responsible. She knew how to stand up to him without being rude. She was reasonable and witty.
But that’s changed now. I can see it so clearly. She’s so afraid.
He didn’t only see it and feel it, he understood it. When Raphael had done some fast healing work on William, the angel had also imparted knowledge about what Annabel was going through. She was being thrown into a world she didn’t know how to navigate. At least human children had grownups to care for them and to teach them the ways of being on the earth. But Annabel was an exquisite and unique creature who didn’t have that background. She had about as much chance of making it in the world as a toddler who stumbled out into heavy traffic.
