by Emma Renshaw
I was trying my best to let it all go today. The sun was shining, and it was the first time the temperature wasn’t in the nineties. I sat under the shade of a tree watching Kiernan work with Pepper Jack on some of his skills. Pepper Jack obeyed when it suited him, but other than that, he did what he wanted to.
“It’s useless,” Kiernan said and jogged over to me. He grabbed a ball from the bag I’d brought. Pepper Jack’s ears twitched, and he focused on the ball in Kiernan’s hands. “Want to play fetch?”
Kieran tossed the ball and Pepper Jack raced after it, scrambling to get it as it rolled. Once he had it in his mouth, he lay down and started chewing on it. Kiernan put his fists on his hips and dropped his head forward. I covered my mouth to smother my laugh.
“You’re supposed to bring it back,” Kiernan shouted at Pepper Jack.
He looked up with the ball in his mouth, stood, and dropped the ball, and he ran back to Kiernan and sat at his side. Pepper Jack’s eyes shifted from Kiernan to the ball.
“I think he wants you to fetch the ball,” I said. A giggle escaped.
Kiernan glowered and Pepper Jack’s head whipped to me, and I covered my mouth again. “I see that,” he muttered and jogged to pick up the ball. He threw it to Pepper Jack again. He caught it in the air and then lay down with it, resuming his attempted destruction of the ball.
Kiernan strutted back, shaking his head the entire way, and collapsed next to me with his back to the large tree trunk. Pepper Jack was in front of us, tearing pieces off the ball. The ball that the packaging had promised would be indestructible.
“What’ve you been reading?” Kiernan pointed to the tablet in my lap. I picked it up, flipping back to the front cover. And there he was, a picture of him in a kilt looking like my dirtiest fantasies.
Kiernan grabbed it from me. “It’s already out?”
I nodded. “The author was done with the book but was having trouble with the perfect cover until you came along. That’s what Daphne told me anyway.”
“Am I any good?” Kiernan asked, leaning forward and skimming his lips along mine.
“Definitely,” I said. “Very good.”
He made a noise low in his throat and wrapped his hand around the back of my neck. He kissed me thoroughly, and I was so lost in him. Then Pepper Jack came and laid his heavy body on his lap and nudged Kiernan away from me. I laughed.
“Don’t encourage him.” Kiernan scowled.
I rubbed Pepper Jack’s ears and he grumbled low. That noise made me smile every time I heard it. It was so close to a growl, but he always did it when he was happy. He was the funniest dog I’d ever met. And absolutely perfect for Kiernan.
“Want to go get some lunch from the food truck park?” Kiernan asked. This was one of my favorite parks in the Austin area. There were trails, a river cutting through it and, on one edge of the park, food trucks always waiting to serve.
“Sure,” I said and stood. I started wiping the dirt from the back of my jeans, but Kiernan stopped me.
“I’ll get it,” he said, smirking, and brushed his hands along my ass for far longer than was necessary. He squeezed my butt. “Let’s go, sweetness.”
I grabbed Pepper Jack’s leash. “Heel, Pepper Jack,” I said. He came to my side and walked with me. Kiernan shook his head.
“You make it look so damn easy.”
“It’s easy unless I’m trying to walk him in a neighborhood. Though the last time I tried, I got him to go four houses instead of three,” I said chuckling.
Kiernan kept his hand on my lower back as we walked along the trail, staying near the edge to let runners and bikers pass us easily.
“Uncle Ki Ki!” A little boy with dark hair shouted and sprinted toward us as fast as his little legs would carry him. I smiled and looked for the person he was running toward.
My brows arched when Kiernan bent and scooped him up, hugging him to his chest. “What are you doing here, little man?”
“Miss Ava is taking pictures of Mommy!”
“Caden!” a man shouted, scanning the area until his eyes fell on Kiernan and the little boy in his arms. He had dark hair like his son, tan skin, and dark eyes. He was as tall as Kiernan and fierce. I hadn’t met Roman but, somehow, I knew that this was him. The man that Kiernan had served with and considered a brother.
I smiled fully. “Kiernan,” Roman said.
“Roman,” Kiernan replied, confirming my suspicions. Kiernan’s voice sounded strained. Roman closed the distance between us, and Kiernan let Caden down on the ground. Kiernan stayed silent, and my gaze bounced back and forth between him and Roman.
The smile was slowly slipping from my lips. Two women walked up as I was trying to figure out the intense silence and silent conversation happening between Roman and Kiernan. They were both blond and two of the most gorgeous women I’d ever seen. One was hugely pregnant, and the other had a camera around her neck—I guessed she was Ava. And I knew Roman was married to a woman named Harper.
“Kiernan,” Harper and Ava said while smiling and leaning forward to kiss his cheek. He returned the sentiment and smiled back at them.
“Guys, this is Caroline. She’s Pepper Jack’s trainer.”
Pepper Jack’s trainer. I plastered a smile on my face, but it wasn’t my full one and it wasn’t real. Kiernan glanced at me for a moment and something flashed in his eyes that I couldn’t read. I turned my attention back to the group.
“Hi, it’s nice to meet you…”
“I’m Harper. And this is Roman and Caden.” Her hand went to Caden’s shoulder. She was grinning at me and almost bouncing on the balls of her feet. I inched away from Kiernan, putting a little distance between us.
Pepper Jack’s trainer.
“I’m Ava.”
I reached out, shaking each of their hands, fighting to keep the smile on my face. My grip tightened on the leash, And Pepper Jack stood up, feeling the tension. “Sit, Pepper Jack,” I said quietly but firmly.
Pepper Jack’s trainer.
These people in front of me were among those Kiernan considered family, and he’d introduced me as Pepper Jack’s trainer. Not even as a friend. His promises that he was my man floated through my mind, and I batted them away. My heart was hammering in my chest as we stood in an awkward circle. Kiernan was quiet and tense.
He’d said he wanted to introduce me to his friends, but here was the opportunity and I’d been shuffled into the position of a worker. I could feel my cheeks heating. My hair was down and straight, fresh from getting a trim and blow out. I had makeup on. But the thoughts I’d been successfully locked away came back full force.
He was embarrassed by me.
He didn’t want to be seen with me.
I was only filling time for him.
I straightened my spine and pushed my shoulders back slightly, taking in a quiet breath and trying to suck in my stomach. This was worse than how my family made me feel, because it was Kiernan, with his words that had promised I was beautiful. It was Kiernan, and his words and his touch, that had finally made me see I was worth something.
Until now.
Until it was all exploding in my face, and I was able to see that I’d naively believed a man I shouldn’t have.
Their conversation was like white noise in my ears. My own thoughts were drowning them out, and one was louder than all the rest.
He doesn’t want you. He’s embarrassed by you.
31
Kiernan
Caroline was smiling, but I wasn’t falling for it. This was closer to a grimace than a real smile. She would nod her head every other minute, but her eyes were glazed over and a crinkle creased her brow. She wasn’t listening—she was thinking. She’d stopped listening when I said she was Pepper Jack’s trainer.
I wanted to take my gun from its holster and shoot myself in the foot. Roman’s gaze was shifting between Caroline and me.
I hated myself in that moment and wanted to correct myself, but my mouth didn’t open. No words ca
me. I knew I’d hurt her and wished I had explained earlier about the company’s rules.
“You haven’t been in the office,” Roman said.
“I’ve been working from home.”
I hadn’t updated Roman on the progress of her case or why I would be with her all the time until it was over. I’d reassigned the other cases I’d been working on. I cleared my throat, glancing at Caroline. I would’ve updated him right here, but I didn’t want to air Caroline’s troubles in front of Harper and Ava. She was already struggling through this conversation; I wasn’t going to make it worse than I already had.
Roman nodded. “Check in later,” he said. “We have to get going. It was great to meet you, Caroline. I hope I get to meet you another time.”
“Huh?” Caroline said, shaking herself out of her thoughts. “Oh, yes. It was great to meet you too. And y’all,” she said to Ava and Harper. I didn’t miss that she left out seeing them again. I closed my eyes for a second as my chest twinged in pain.
Fuck. I’d royally fucked up.
Roman, Harper, Ava, and Caden walked away. Caroline watched them turn a bend in the path before she left my side, walking back the way we’d come and toward our cars. She still had Pepper Jack’s leash in her hand; I wasn’t even sure if she noticed.
“Caroline,” I called.
She shook her head and kept walking. I caught up to her and brushed my hand over her arm. “Please let me explain.”
She stopped, turning toward me. “Kiernan, there’s nothing to explain. I understand.”
“No, sweetness,” I said quietly. I reached for her hand, but she withdrew it from my touch, taking a step back, putting more space between us.
“Please don’t call me that,” she whispered.
I sighed and scrubbed a hand down my face. “Please let me explain. It’s not what you think.”
She shook her head. “Kiernan, honestly, I can’t listen to this right now. My entire life I’ve been thrown away and cast to the side. You know that. I’ve told you that. I’ve handled it from others. Maybe not well, but I did. I can’t from you. Anyone but you,” she said. Her bottom lip wobbled, but no tears came. She took a deep breath. “I’m going to walk away because I need to. Please let me.”
I nodded once, gritting my teeth. “I don’t want to let you, but I’ll give you a little space and a little time. I’m not going anywhere, Caroline. I’ll be in your driveway later, because I’m not leaving you alone right now. Take Pepper Jack with you.”
Caroline swallowed and nodded. She stared at me for a second more before walking away. I watched her, letting her have some distance before I started following her. I’d give her time, but I couldn’t leave her alone knowing there was a serial killer out there that wanted her.
I’d fix this. I had to. There was no other option. I wanted Caroline in my life, and I didn’t see that changing anytime soon. I scrubbed a hand through my hair, keeping Caroline in my sights. Pepper Jack trotted next to her the entire way to her car, and he kept his eyes on her too. I knew he could feel the tension through the leash. Her head was down, watching her feet as she walked. Even from behind she looked dejected.
I wanted to punch myself in the face.
Why had I been such an idiot? I’d known from the beginning that she was worth the trouble it could cause at work. Instead I’d toed the line, lying to Roman, a man who had been my family since I’d left my own, and to the woman who was quickly becoming the most important part of my life.
She was my purpose.
I got into my truck, once again keeping a distance between me and Caroline. My phone started ringing. I glanced at my dash, seeing my mom’s name flash across the screen. I hit accept on the steering wheel.
“Hello.”
“Kiernan,” she whispered.
I gritted my teeth and white-knuckled the steering wheel. “How much this time, mom?” I snapped.
She grunted. “That’s no way to talk to me.”
“That’s all you ever call for.” I was so close to the edge and didn’t need this shit. I wanted to hang up on her and pretend she hadn’t called.
“I got fired again. I only need a little bit to keep us afloat.”
Caroline’s advice floated through my mind. And she was right. When I had a family of my own one day, this shit couldn’t happen. I didn’t want either of my parents to be in my future kids’ lives. She’d never be the grandma they would need and deserve. And any money I gave to her could go to them. To my family.
I pictured Caroline holding a baby. One that had her dimples. Her eyes. A little girl just like her. We could give our kids a life, and they’d never need to go through any of the shit we had. We’d give them so much goddamn love.
I pounded my fist on the steering wheel. My anger at myself had only increased with every mile I’d driven toward Caroline’s. This money relationship with my mother had to end.
I had a future to prepare for. One with Caroline.
But first, I had to fight for it.
“Mom, I love you. I will always love you because you are my mother. My father is an asshole who doesn’t deserve you. My life has been better since I left. And I wish you would too. If you ever leave Dad, call me. Until that happens, though, I’m done. I am giving you money one last time. It’ll be more than you need right now. If you’re smart with it and don’t let that bastard blow it on beer and strippers and whatever else he does—it’ll last you and help you get on your feet. This is the last time. My door is open if you leave him. Until then, I can’t have you in my life.”
She was quiet for a minute. I could hear her breathing softly and my dad yelling at the TV in the background. “How much?”
I rolled my eyes. So fucking predictable.
“Fifty grand.”
“Make it seventy-five and I’ll never bother you again.”
“Done,” I said and ended the call. Ended the relationship with my mother. If you could even call it a relationship. She used me for money and nothing else. I had the money. Roman and I had become very successful since moving to Austin. Paying seventy-five grand and getting rid of that noose around my neck was worth it.
I pulled into Caroline’s driveway just as she was entering her house with Pepper Jack at her heels. I hoped he would stick with her and make her smile. Caroline closed the drapes, cutting off my view through her window. I couldn’t see her clearly, even before the drapes were closed, but I could see her silhouette. When she shut the drapes, I felt her pain as if it were my own. It was even worse knowing I’d caused it. That was something I’d never wanted to do. I wanted to be the man that made her see her beauty every day.
I rolled down my windows and turned off my truck, settling in. I didn’t know when she’d be ready to talk, but I’d spend days out here if I had to. Just as long as I knew she was safe.
One guarantee I had though: when it was time to talk, I’d be getting my sweetness back. And this time, for good.
32
Caroline
Pepper Jack and Harmonica watched me pace the living room. The drapes were closed, but even through them I could feel his stare, like he knew exactly where I was. He’d been sitting in his truck for the past three hours, since we arrived back at my house.
“Caroline,” Daphne said calmly. “Let that man explain. He looks at you like you’re the reason for the sun rising every day. He’s spent so much time letting you know how much you mean to him. At least hear him out. Don’t shut this door yet.”
“He introduced me as his dog trainer,” I reminded her. I rubbed my chest, my heart still aching. The voices in my head had descended, telling me I wasn’t good enough, but now that I’d had a little space, I’d shut them out again.
“I know, sweetie, but there might be a reason, and if there isn’t tell Pepper Jack to bite a chunk of his ass off.”
I laughed and shook my head.
“After everything, doesn’t he at least deserve a chance to explain?”
I knew she was right. And I
was always going to talk to him, but I needed a little space after the park. I needed to be able to think and not be distracted by his eyes. “Yes,” I said.
“So what are you going to say?” she asked.
I huffed and renewed my pacing. “I’m not exactly sure, but I think it’s time.”
“Let me know how it goes,” she said.
“I will. Thanks, Daphne.”
We hung up the phone and I went into the kitchen. A pot of spaghetti sauce was simmering on the stove. I poured some noodles in water to boil before walking outside and to Kiernan’s truck. His eyes tracked my every step. He opened his door as I got closer and slid out, walking toward me. “Please let me explain, Caroline.”
I nodded. “Spaghetti will be ready in a few minutes. Come in and let’s talk.”
Kiernan nodded. I spun on my heel and went back into the house. He was following closely behind me. Close enough that I felt the heat from his body, not so close that we were touching. “I’m sorry it took me a few hours to be ready,” I said.
“I would’ve waited all night. Days if I had to.”
I sat down on one of the chairs in my kitchen, glancing at the clock, reminding myself I needed to check the noodles in a few minutes. Kiernan sat across from me. His hair was sticking out, a little wild, as if he’d been constantly running his hands through it. He sat in the chair next to me, reaching out and tracing a finger down my arm.
“Kiernan, I don’t understand what happened. Since I walked into MarxMen looking for help, you’ve been telling me to trust you. You’ve been telling me how wonderful I am and how much I deserve. And…and I believed you. For the first time in my life, I believed someone when they told me I had value. You’ve told me you wanted me to meet your friends, and then there they are and suddenly I’m your dog trainer? Okay, maybe you didn’t want to use the world girlfriend, which I don’t understand because you said you’re my man. But not even your friend?”
