by Wood, J N
I heard bottles clinking together as Amy the smiley barmaid placed three more bottles on the bar.
I quickly picked up my third. ‘Gee, for fuck’s sake.’
‘I’ve got two words for you–,' Charles started to say.
‘If those words are Atlantic and ocean, then I don’t want to hear them,’ I said.
‘Okay,’ Charles said, smiling and raising his glass to me. ‘Then I won’t say them.’
‘Yes I know. I’m taking it one step at a time. I’m really trying not to think about the distance, and the huge ocean.’
‘You guys aren’t like…’ Elliot paused and glanced around the pub. ‘You aren’t one of those fundamentalist types are you?’
I laughed. ‘No, obviously not.’
‘What were you looking for Elliot?’ Charles asked him. ‘That lot don’t frequent my pub.’
‘Can’t be too careful,’ he said. ‘They give me the heebie-jeebies. I bet they get us before the zombies do. Anyway, I just wanted to warn these three to keep an eye out for them.’ He turned back to us. ‘You stay clear of them, they’re trouble.’
‘Elliot,’ Ali said. ‘Where do you guys go to use the restroom? When you’re in the container.’
Elliot shifted his weight from one leg to the other. ‘Well...’ He paused to take a long drink of his beer. ‘Let’s just say it’s a good thing you came to the container from the side you did. You would probably have slipped off if you tried climbing the other side.’
‘What a delightful image,’ Charles said. ‘Thank you Elliot.’
‘What do you do if someone does come from that side,’ Ali asked, laughing.
‘We don’t usually let people in through the roof. We do have a door you know.’
‘Why did you go in through the roof?’ Charles asked us.
Before one of us could answer him, Elliot explained to Charles the circumstances that led to us gaining access to Elliot and Martin’s container.
‘That was bad timing,’ Charles said.
‘Yeah,’ Elliot said. ‘Only the second time we’ve had to set the fireworks off, so very bad timing.’
Ali sat back slightly, moving away from the conversation. She was probably thinking about Steve meeting his gruesome end during those very circumstances. Elliot and Charles had also stepped away slightly, and seemed to be discussing something. I took the opportunity to try and catch Gee up on his drinking.
‘You okay?’ I asked Ali.
She smiled up at me. ‘Yeah fine, think I might go back to the house after this one, update Jack on our failure to find Beth. Hopefully he’s found her.’
Ali was on her fourth bottle, I was still halfway through my third. ‘Let me finish mine and I’ll walk you back.’
‘No you don’t have to do that,’ Ali replied. ‘I’m a big girl.’
‘It’s got nothing to do with you being a moderately sized woman.’ That received a quizzical look from Ali. ‘I don’t think anyone should walk anywhere alone around here,’ I added. ‘Especially at night.’
Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Charles stepping towards us. ‘Chris is right, but let him stay here and enjoy himself. I’ll get Matis to walk you back. Don’t worry, he’s happily married with four kids, I would trust him with my life, and my friends’ lives.’
Ali finished the last of her drink in one go. Standing up, she said, ‘Okay, I’ll take you up on that kind offer.’ She had a slight wobble, reaching her hand out to grab her bar stool. ‘Whoa, feel a little bit tipsy.’
‘You did just down four bottles in an hour,’ I said.
‘It’s only weak,’ Ali said, picking up her empty bottle and struggling to read the label. ‘Shit. Five point nine percent, it’s not weak.’ She laughed and placed the bottle back down on the bar. ‘Goodnight gentlemen. I’ll see you in the morning. Charles, is my escort available?’
Charles stepped to Ali’s side, taking her arm and walking her to the exit. ‘Walk this way my dear.’
‘Goodnight Ali,’ I said.
Without turning, she lifted her hand into the air and waved, before exiting through the inner door.
I spun around on my seat to find two new bottles. ‘Gee, when are you ordering these?’
‘When I finish last one.’
‘Well yeah, I guessed that.’ I downed the last of my third bottle and picked up the fourth.
Charles sidled up next to us and sat on Ali’s vacated stool. ‘Don’t worry about your friend. Matis will take good care of her.’
‘She could probably handle herself anyway,’ I said.
‘Are you two a couple?’ he asked me.
‘Me and Gee, or me and Ali?’
Gee let out a loud roar of a laugh, before raising his hands in the air. ‘Sorry, no loud noise.’
‘It’s okay Gintaras,’ Charles said, before looking back to me. ‘Yes, I meant you and Ali.’
‘Nope, I’m married. Need to get back to England to my wife.’
‘Do you think I’d be in with a chance?’ he asked.
‘With Ali?’ I laughed. ‘I honestly don’t know her well enough to give you an answer, but I reckon you should go for it if you want. Life is even shorter these days.’
‘Why not ask me?’ Gee asked Charles.
I turned and shot Gee a confused look.
‘I’m sorry Gintaras, you’re not really my type,’ Charles said, a smirk on his face.
‘No fucker,’ Gee said. ‘Why not ask if me and Ali are couple?’
‘My apologies again, I just thought there was a bit of an age gap.’
Gee finished another bottle. ‘Okay.’
Seems it’s very easy to resolve things with Gee.
Just as I finished my fourth bottle, Charles stood up and wished us a goodnight, telling us to enjoy the rest of the evening. I looked around for Elliot, finding him sat with another group on the other side of the pub. There was no sign of his partner Martin.
Without asking me, Gee ordered two more bottles from Amy, the barmaid.
Jesus fucking Christ, I’m feeling shitfaced already.
Suppose I better converse with the giant Lithuanian to try and slow him down.
‘I went to watch England versus Lithuania, a few years ago now.’
‘What sport?’ Gee asked.
‘Football, what else?’
‘I am not fan of football. In Lithuania basketball is popular sport. I play when younger.’
‘For a team?’
Gee shrugged. ‘No.’
Okay, exhausted that line of conversation then.
‘Where were you living before you got to Austin?’ I asked.
‘I live in Las Vegas.’
‘I’ve been there a few times, can’t imagine living there.’
‘We not live in centre, with all lights and craziness,’ he said, waving his arms around in the air, almost flamboyantly. ‘More to Las Vegas than casinos.’
‘Oh right, what did you do again? Was it a janitor or something?’
‘I only do it first time in Las Vegas.’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
‘You ask if I do again. I never do janitor job before. First time was in Las Vegas, at three apartment complexes I work.’
What the fuck is he talking about?
‘Sorry Gee, I’ve got no idea what you’re on about.’
Gee just laughed and drank more of his sixth bottle, I continued with my fifth.
‘Okay, doesn’t matter,’ I said. ‘Wife, family?’
He downed his bottle and ordered another two.
He obviously doesn’t want to talk about it.
‘What’s your plan when you reach Canada?’ I asked. ‘If we ever make it up there.’
‘I had wife and two children,’ he said. ‘Boy seven. Girl ten.’
Shite.
‘They were visiting family of my wife when disease start to spread. I try to find them, drive half way to California. I must miss them when they go back home. I come home to find wife come back s
ick. Told me children died on journey back. She would not let me near her because she was sick.’ He drank half his beer in one go. ‘Next day she die.’
Fucking hell. Why did I ask? I could have easily known Gee the rest of my life without finding that out.
‘Gee, I’m truly sorry. That is horrible.’
‘Yes it is,’ he stated. He leaned over and knocked his bottle against mine. ‘Let’s get shitassed.’
‘Shitassed?’ I laughed. ‘It’s shitfaced Gee. You mean shitfaced. But yeah, I’m well on the way already.’
‘I have no plans for after, when in Canada,’ he said. ‘I do not know what I will do. How will you get back to England?’
‘No fucking idea mate.’
The drinking continued, me playing catch up with Gee. I lost count of the beers we consumed, and had no idea what the time was.
DAY NINETEEN
Chapter 14: Eavesdrop
My bed was moving.
This must be a dream. Was I dreaming I was back in our old truck, Blue? Are the zombies pushing us over again?
I don’t think that’s it. Hang on a second…this is more of a rocking motion. An earthquake maybe?
Where am I again?
I remember. We’re trying to get into Canada. So we’re at the border. Do they get earthquakes in Washington State? Probably.
A woman moaned. It sounded like it was coming from directly underneath me.
Bollocks. I forgot I was on the top bunk. Who the fuck is having sex in the bed below me?
I opened my eyes and looked around, trying to look for Jack and Gee, but I couldn’t remember which beds they were in.
Do I even know which beds they’re in? Did we go to bed at the same time last night? What did we actually do last night? I really can’t remember.
The bed was still being rhythmically rocked. I could now hear heavy breathing beneath me, and then another stifled moan.
Fuck’s sake.
I turned over, making sure I made as much noise as possible. Beneath me a few giggles mixed in with the heavy breathing. The bed continued to rock.
They know I’m awake. Fuck’s sake. Just make it quick please.
I pulled my elbows up, trying to sit myself up, but a wave of nausea washed over me, making me quickly rest my head back down.
Oh fuck, I remember now, we went to the pub last night. What time did we get back? I can’t even remember leaving. What pub were we in?
A memory flashed through my mind. Me and Gee sitting at the bar, an Ipswich fan, and one of the guys from the container. Had Jack been there? I don’t think so. No, he definitely wasn’t there. Ali was there. Yes, Ali was there, I remember that.
The rocking was increasing in speed, the moaning becoming more frequent and louder.
Hopefully that just means it’s gonna be over soon. What the fuck? Is nobody else hearing this?
I rolled over onto my side so I was facing the room. Nobody else’s eyes were looking back in my direction.
Fucking hell. It better not be Gee down there. I do not want to listen to Big Gee having sex.
The whole bed was now squeaking.
Surely everyone else in here must know what’s going on?
With a loud of expulsion of breath from one of the people beneath me, the rocking and squeaking came to an abrupt end. Only a few seconds later, I heard sheets being thrown back, and the springs in their mattress shifting.
‘No don’t go,’ a female voice whispered. ‘Anyone that can make me fanny fart five times can stay the night.’
What the actual fuck? Did she just say that? Fuck off.
The mattress below shifted again, the fanny fart comment obviously drawing her sexual partner back into her bed.
She’s gonna be English if she’s saying fanny fart. Fucking hell. Probably the woman I saw yesterday with the nice bum. Fucking Brits abroad. Nice of her to continue the reputation, even in the apocalypse.
Someone was saying my name.
I dragged the pillow around so it covered my face and both my ears. ‘Nope. Need more sleep,’ I muttered into the pillow.
‘Come on Chris,’ Michael said. ‘You need to go for breakfast. You can’t skip the meagre excuses for a meal in this place. Gee is up. He’s in the bathroom.’
I suppose he’s fucking right.
‘Okay. I’m getting up.’ I forced myself to sit up, the pillow falling to land on my lap. I wasn’t feeling sick anymore, not like last night, but my head was killing me.
Oh yeah, I woke up in the middle of the night, and felt like I was gonna be sick.
Fuck. The fucking fanny fart sex as well.
‘Give me five minutes Mikey Boy,’ I croaked. ‘I’ll meet you outside. Just need to go to the toilet.’
Michael agreed to wait for me outside, but told me I should hurry up.
I joined the queue to the bathroom. There were three people ahead of me. The man in front of me turned and smiled when I stopped behind him. He was a short man, maybe in his forties. He was balding slightly, and in keeping with the majority of the guys in the camp, was sporting a beard.
‘Morning,’ I said to him.
The other two people in the queue glanced behind them when I spoke, but then quickly turned back around to face forward.
‘New to the house?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, only my second day in the camp.’
He looked surprised. ‘Where have you come from?’
‘When the virus shit started? My friend and I were in Colorado.’
‘How did you end up here?’ he asked.
I smiled. ‘Long story.’
‘You from Great Britain?’
‘Yep, I’m here on vacation. At least I was here on vacation.’
‘I visited London a few years back. Do you live near there?’
‘Well,’ I said. ‘About two hundred miles away.’
‘Not far then,’ the man stated.
I shot him a puzzled look. He turned around when the bathroom door opened. A woman left and the man at the front took her place in the bathroom. We all shuffled forwards, filling the space.
The man in front of me seemed to use the interruption as an excuse to end the conversation.
Thank fuck.
‘She didn’t say that?’ Shannon exclaimed.
I swallowed a mouthful of porridge. ‘She did. Five time fanny fart sex. Sounded quite proud of it.’
Sandra, the kids, and her two cousins, Pete and Theo, were sat on the end of one of the long tables in the food tent. They all had bowls of porridge and water. The kids had been very reluctant to eat theirs, until a very nice old lady offered Sandra some sachets of sugar. A sachet each had changed the kid’s minds. I’d hoped to be offered some sugar, but no such luck. It was almost as tasteless as the rice and vegetables we’d eaten the previous night.
Shannon, Michael, Gee, Ali and I were stood a few feet away, huddled together next the edge of the cramped tent. Jack had apparently decided to wake up early to check all the food tents during breakfast hours. I felt guilty he’d gone on his own, but Shannon assured me he’d turned down their offers of help.
‘Is it even a good thing?’ I asked. ‘To elicit five fanny farts, or any at all?’
‘I do not understand,’ Gee said. ‘Why would fart during sex be good thing?’
‘Chris means a British fanny,’ Ali told him. ‘Not a real fanny.’ She pointed at her own behind, but then looked uncomfortable. ‘I mean an American fanny.’ She let out an exasperated groan. ‘You know what I’m saying,’ she muttered, shaking her head. ‘I drank too much last night.’
I laughed. ‘You drank too much? Fuck knows how much we drank,’ I said, pointing at Gee and then myself.
‘What time did you get back to the house?’ Michael asked.
‘Fuck knows?’ I looked to Gee. ‘Any idea?’
Gee shrugged. ‘So you mean fart out of vagina?’
‘Yes exactly that,’ I replied. ‘I didn’t even hear one fanny fart, let alone five. And I heard eve
rything. Did you not hear them Gee?’
Gee shook his head. ‘I heard no farts. I maybe fart in sleep.’
‘Not just the farts. I meant the whole thing. Did you hear them having sex?’
He just shook his head again.
‘Fanny farts as you call them Chris, can be a good thing,’ Shannon said, leaning forwards slightly, as if to impart some valuable information. ‘It can mean it’s aggressive sex. Not violent aggressive. You know? Nicely aggressive.’
We all grinned at Michael.
His eyebrows arched as he returned our glares. ‘What?’ he asked.
With my grin broadening, I said, ‘Aggressive with a crossbow, and in the bedroom Mikey Boy?’
Michael just shrugged and chewed on his lumpy porridge, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth.
‘Well either way,’ I said. ‘I think it’s a weird thing to say to somebody.’
‘No, I’ll definitely agree with you on that one,’ Shannon said. ‘I’ve never said it to anyone.’
‘Oh, by the way Ali,’ I said. ‘Charles likes you. He asked if you were single.’
‘Charles? The guy who runs Pea’s Place?’ she asked.
‘Yep, did you meet many other people called Charles last night?’
‘Interested?’ Shannon asked, smiling.
Ali screwed up her face. ‘I don’t know, can’t really remember what he looked like.’
Michael grinned. ‘Made a big impression then?’
‘Big lips and long arms,’ Ali mused, before looking at me. ‘Did his hair look like it had been stuck on his head? Like Lego hair?’
Laughing, I said, ‘Yep, that pretty much sums him up.’
Shrugging, Ali placed her empty bowl inside mine. ‘Yeah, why not? I’d give him a go. Come on. Let’s go back.’
When we got back to the house, the English woman with the nice bum was leaving through the front door, just as I was walking in. She looked me in the eyes, smiled and said ‘Good morning,’ before continuing onto the street.
It either wasn’t her last night, or she doesn’t care that I heard her, or she doesn’t know I’m on the bed above her.
I’d gone in to use the toilet, while everyone else walked around the side of the house to get into the back garden. After I’d finished, I opened the bathroom door to find Jack stood in the corridor, smiling back at me.
