by Sarah Suk
Reason one:
Ever since Hawaiian pizza night, I’ve been running out of ways to avoid talking about colleges with Dad. I got out of going over applications with him that night by saying I had a headache and never bringing it up again. Was it weird to want to go to school to avoid talking about future school?
Maybe. In any case, I was relieved to have an excuse to get out of the house. Especially after I got an email from Toblie School of Music inviting me to come in for an audition in February.
Holy shit. Cue panic.
I was three days back in school when the email came. Toblie was my dream school. World renowned, famous for their jazz program, and only a two-hour drive away. Perfect distance for my in-person audition.
It was exciting, but it reminded me that I had to tell my parents about this soon. The longer I waited, the more nauseous I felt at the idea of bringing it up. It was like this pressure inside my chest that was building, building, building. But another more fearful part of me wondered if it was better not to say anything until I knew for sure I was accepted. No point in telling them if I didn’t even get in, right? Though I wasn’t sure how I would explain the part about having not applied to any of the schools he chose for me either. Dad was under the impression that I had applied to all of them by the deadline, but really, I had applied to none of them. Maybe I should have as a plan B, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I would tell them.
Soon.
But not yet.
Reason two:
Mr. Reyes let me use the band room to practice after school when there weren’t any rehearsals. It felt good to practice in a space that was outside my room, outside my house, and outside Dad knocking on my door, saying, “Are you still playing the saxophone, Wes? Shouldn’t we be studying instead?”
“You’re sounding really good, Wes,” Mr. Reyes said during one of my practices, a week back into school. The socks that peeked out from the cuff of his pants were striped like a candy cane. “Say, I was wondering. The Senior Showcase isn’t until the end of the year, but would you be interested in playing a saxophone solo during one of our numbers? Of course, you’ll have to try out like all the other kids during class, but I feel like you would really nail it.”
“Really, Mr. Reyes?” I gaped at him. “That would be awesome.”
He laughed. “Why do you look so shocked, Wes? You’re clearly very talented, and you put in a lot of hard work.”
“I guess I’ve just never had so many people tell me that before,” I said slowly. I thought back to that day with Valerie. She’d said I was very good. It was the first time I’d heard it from someone who wasn’t an instructor.
“Well, whether people tell you or not, it doesn’t change the facts. You are an excellent saxophonist,” Mr. Reyes said. He smiled warmly. “But I am very glad you have people in your life to affirm that for you. Musicians don’t grow in a vacuum, right?”
Which led me to reason three:
Friday at lunch at the end of the second week back, I was browsing in the library for my history essay. As I pulled a book off the shelf, I spotted Valerie through the empty spot in the shelf. Caught off guard, I dropped the book with a thump. Valerie looked up as Ms. Reeves, the librarian, put a finger to her lips and hissed, “Shhh.”
I raised my hand in apology, fumbling to grab the book from the floor. When I straightened up again, Valerie was peering through the shelf, staring at me through the space where the book had been.
“Hi,” she whispered.
“Hi,” I whispered back.
“Having trouble?”
I laughed and then cast a quick glance toward Ms. Reeves. “A little.”
She nodded toward the common area where all the study tables were. “Are you studying?”
“Ah…” I scanned the tables. That had been the plan, but most of them were full, and the ones that weren’t had backpacks on the seats to save a spot. Exam season had students squeezing for space to study even during lunch. “No room, I don’t think.”
She paused and then motioned for me to follow her. She led me to a table where two seats were saved with a backpack on one and a jacket slung over the other.
“You can sit with me,” she said.
“Aren’t both these seats saved?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Nah. I just put my jacket there so no one would sit next to me. But you can take it if you want.” She cleared her throat. “I’m only offering because it would be rude of me not to when I know you need one. Don’t sit here if you don’t want to.”
“No, no,” I said, quickly taking a seat. “I want to.” I smiled. “Thank you.”
She grunted back, but I could see the small smile on her lips as she sat down next to me with her stack of books. She arranged the stacks around her like a half-curved wall. Then she pulled out a notebook from her backpack and started writing with one hand, scrolling through her phone and punching in Google search after Google search with the other, the books untouched next to her.
“What are you working on?” I whispered.
She hesitated and then whispered, “Business stuff.” She showed me the list of jargon on her notebook page. I had no clue what any of it meant. “These are ingredients that I’m not familiar with in some of the products I’ll be selling next month. So I’m researching what they are.”
I whistled softly. “That’s dedication.”
“It’s important to me to know what I’m selling and where it comes from.”
My level of respect for her rose even higher. She put so much thought into her business. Sitting here with her like this, I could almost pretend that we weren’t still locked in an all-or-nothing bet. Almost. It was always there, floating around in the back of my mind. But for now I pushed it away.
“What are the books for, then?” I asked, noticing all the random titles. A–Z Encyclopedia. Alice in Wonderland with Commentary and Essays. Fundamentals of Physics.
“It’s so people won’t look at me while I work,” she said. “Call it a book barrier, if you will.”
My chest warmed. She made book barriers and pretended to save seats so people would walk past her, but she let me sit next to her. Did that mean something? It felt like it did.
“Cool,” I said, unable to keep a smile from spreading across my face. “I’ll let you get back to it.”
She smiled back before returning to her notebook.
Of all the reasons I was happy to be back at school, the third one was maybe my favorite of all.
Saturday / February 1
“Our sales are way down. Do you even want to win this bet against Valerie, Wes?”
Pauline, Taemin, and I sat around a table at the aquarium café for our business meeting. He joined us every now and then when he was around the aquarium, still hoping for a job as a magician.
“Yes,” I answered. And I really, really did. But I also wanted to spend more time with Valerie. Of course, there was also music school to think about. Now that I had a real audition coming up, I had to be mentally prepared, not distracted.
“Do you have a strategy?” Taemin asked.
A strategy? I should definitely be thinking of one. But all I could think about was Valerie’s smile, which was even prettier than I’d first imagined it. I didn’t want to be in competition with her anymore. I wanted to be more than that.
“I don’t know—maybe we should call off the bet,” I blurted out.
Pauline raised an eyebrow. “Why?”
The back of my neck grew sweaty. “Why? Because, um…”
Why? That was a good question. Because I don’t want to be her rival anymore? Because I think I might be falling in love with her?
The thought came into my head before I could stop it, striking me silent. Was I falling for her?
I sighed, shaking my head. “No, forget I said that. I’m just stressing.” Did I really want to call off the bet? I wasn’t totally sure. A part of me did. But a part of me wanted the future I had been dreaming of,
and I didn’t want to let that go.
Understanding dawned on Pauline’s face like she was putting two and two together. “You and Valerie seem to be pretty friendly these days,” she observed, as if reading my thoughts.
Taemin looked back and forth between me and Pauline. “Wait. Is there something going on between you and Valerie?”
Maybe. Yes. I hope so? I wanted to say. But the words lodged somewhere in my throat. I wasn’t ready to speak the truth out loud yet, to confess, especially to Taemin or even Pauline. If I was feeling something for Valerie, I would want to tell her about it first.
“No. Absolutely not,” I said instead, inwardly cringing at my own dishonesty.
“Do you not want to go to music school anymore?” Taemin asked. “I thought it was important to you.”
“It is important to me.” Important enough to keep competing with Valerie?
Taemin frowned thoughtfully and then looked at me in sympathy, nodding his head. “I think I see what’s going on.”
I swallowed. “You do?”
“Yeah. You’re caving under your dad’s pressure, right? He doesn’t want you to go to music school, so you’re having second thoughts. Dude, I totally get that, but you need to grow a spine. Take more risks. Don’t be a pushover when you’ve come so far!”
His words jabbed at me, hitting me right where it hurt. He had no idea how hard I’d been trying to do exactly those things for months now. To grow a spine. Take more risks. Not be a pushover.
“That’s not it. I’m not caving under my dad.”
“Yes, you are. I can tell.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m really not.”
“Then why are you getting friendly with Valerie like Pauline said? It’s not because you’ve already given up on music school to appease your parents?”
“No!” I said, louder and angrier than I meant to. “No. I mean, yeah, we’ve been getting closer. But that’s just so I can learn more about her business. You know, get the inside scoop on things. Like what you did for us before. She even showed me some of her business notes at the library the other day, so I’m making good progress in strategizing how to beat her. I just need more time to figure out this business stuff.”
Ugh. What was that? I had no idea why I’d said all those things, and I felt gross even having those words come out of my mouth. I just wanted to get Taemin off my back. Pauline frowned at my obvious lie, but Taemin’s eyes widened; he was buying every word.
“You’ve been getting closer to her so you can spy on her business?” he said. “That’s… wow. Didn’t see that coming.”
Pauline sighed. “All right, Wes. Whatever you say. But you should make a decision about your business soon. Lisa, Mimi, and Natalie were asking me if their discount with you still applies if they don’t shop with V&C. I think they want to buy from Valerie again if you’re not going to keep things up.”
Taemin’s eyes got even wider. “Whoa. You gave discounts to people to make them stop shopping with Valerie?” He chewed his lip. “Didn’t see that coming either.”
“Same,” I muttered to myself. This was seriously stressful.
Pauline rose from the table. “I should get going. My volunteer shift starts soon and I’m leading a new info session.” Her eyes lit up. “Actually, Wes, I was meaning to tell you. You know haenyeo? The female divers in Jeju? I did some reading on them, and they really are the coolest. I’m doing an info session on scuba divers and I got permission to include a section on divers of the world, so I’m going to share about them today.”
“What! Pauline, that’s awesome,” I said, feeling simultaneously happy for her and relieved that the subject had changed.
“Yeah. My dad’s really excited about it.” She smiled. “I should probably thank Charlie at some point, huh? I would’ve never known about them if it wasn’t for him. If we ever talk again, that is.” Right. After the awkward encounter at Lisa’s party a couple months ago, Charlie seemed to be steering totally clear of Pauline. “Anyway, I’ll talk to you guys later.”
“I’ll come with you. I want to learn about these female divers,” Taemin said. He downed his hot chocolate and stood to leave, glancing back at me with a strange expression, like he wasn’t totally sure what to make of all the things I’d just said. Honestly, I couldn’t blame him. I barely had any idea what I’d just said either. “Talk to you later, Wes,” he said, before bounding after Pauline. “Any chance you need a magician at your info session?”
I watched them go and breathed out a sigh of relief, grateful to be alone to sift through my thoughts. My heart raced.
Am I in love with Valerie Kwon?
Friday / February 14
Just like they did for Halloween, Crescent Brook High went all out for Valentine’s Day. The entire school was decked out in pink and red streamers, and all the teachers coordinated to dress up in T-shirts printed with candy hearts, except the hearts said things like ME + MATH; EYES ON ME, NOT ON UR SCREEN; and BE MINE-DFUL OF OTHERS. They were very pleased with themselves.
The senior student council was hosting a huge rose sale in the cafeteria during lunch. I walked by their table, where Kristy waved me down, her hair back to pink for the occasion.
“Wes, Wes! Care to send a rose?” she said. “All proceeds go toward prom!”
A rose? My mind immediately flashed to Valerie. It was weird how often and quickly I thought of her now. When had this happened to me? One day she was just my rival. Now she was my rival who I wanted to buy a rose for?
“You can buy one and give it to them yourself, or you can choose the option where we deliver it for you,” Kristy said. “If you choose the second option, you can make it anonymous. You just have to tell us what their last class of the day is.”
I blanked. I had no idea what Valerie’s class schedule was. We didn’t have any classes together. That would mean I’d have to go with option one and give it to her in person. I tried to imagine doing that without erupting into flames. It was difficult to picture.
“Hey, Charlie!” Kristy said, waving at someone behind me. “Want to buy a rose?”
Charlie appeared beside me, surveying the single stemmed red roses laid out on the table. “I’m not sure. Maybe.”
“Is it for Pauline?” I asked.
He turned sharply toward me, his mouth dropping open like he was about to protest. “What? No. Psh. That’s ridiculous.” Then he sighed, his shoulders sagging like the fight was deflating out of him. “Is it that obvious?”
“Pretty obvious,” I said, wincing on his behalf.
Things between Charlie and me had cooled off a lot since Lisa’s party. He’d apologized to me in calculus class for crying at the party. I’d said it was nothing to be sorry for. I asked if he knew about the bet. He sighed and said that was between me and Valerie, and he was staying out of it. Since then, we’d kind of reached this mutual understanding. He didn’t even bug me in class anymore. Okay, well, sometimes he still did, but I suspected it was just for his own amusement at this point.
I wonder if he knows about me and Valerie.
Whatever there is between us.
Does she talk to him about me?
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even realize Charlie was still talking.
“… made a total fool of myself and have been avoiding her ever since. Now it’s been months and I still haven’t said anything.”
“I think you should send her a rose,” I said, piecing together what I had missed. “If there’s anything I know about Pauline, it’s that she’s a pretty straightforward person. She likes facts. And honesty. And besides,” I added, recalling what she had told me about their relationship, “she has a higher opinion of you than you think.”
Charlie perked up. “Really?”
I nodded. “Really.”
“Okay, then. Honesty? I can be honest.” He shook out his arms, jumping in place like he was psyching himself up. “Give me a rose f
or delivery, Kristy. I’ll attach a note, too.”
“Great,” Kristy beamed. She turned to me. “And you, Wes?”
“Um, I’ll take one too,” I said as Charlie got to work writing his note. “To go.”
“Ooh. In-person delivery, huh?” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Who’s the lucky person?”
My face heated up. “No one.”
“Okay, okay, keeping it a secret, that’s cool. I can respect the mystery. That’ll be a dollar.”
I fished out a dollar as Kristy handed me a red rose wrapped in cellophane and tied with a gold ribbon.
“Thanks,” I mumbled. “Good luck, man,” I added to Charlie, who flashed me a thumbs-up.
As I walked down the hall, I felt eyes watching me, zeroing in on the rose in my hand. I didn’t know if I was imagining things or not, but I could have sworn I was hearing whispers wherever I went. Oh God. I couldn’t walk around like this all day. I had to hide this somewhere.
I rushed to my locker and slid the rose inside, slamming it shut.
For the rest of the day, all I could think about was the rose inside my locker. Was it wilting? Didn’t flowers need sunshine and water? And fresh air? Oh my God. What if I gave Valerie a dead rose? My palms were starting to sweat at the very thought.
As soon as the last bell rang, I booked it for my locker. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that the rose was still there, healthy and vibrant as ever. I carefully took it out and closed my locker. And then I opened my locker and put it back in, slamming the door shut.
I’ll give her the rose. I won’t give her the rose. I’ll give her the rose. I won’t—
“Why do you keep opening and closing your locker like that?”
Pauline stared at me as she opened her own locker, shooting me a concerned look. She was holding a rose in her hand. “Do you have issues with your lock or something?”
“I got a rose for Valerie, but I don’t know if she’ll hate it or not.”
“Ah.” Pauline nodded. “Well, you better decide fast. I just had English with her, and last I saw, she was headed for her locker. She’ll probably leave soon.”
