One Saturday afternoon, I sat at my computer researching cancer. My parents told me not to search anything on the internet anymore, but I couldn’t help it. It was like an odd addiction that I couldn’t break. Even though it made me sadder, I kept hitting enter on the search engine.
When the doorbell rang, I sat up a bit as Mom called my name. I hurried into the living room, and I stepped back a bit when I saw Greyson standing there in a suit and tie with a corsage in his hands.
“Hey, Ellie,” he said with that Greyson smirk of his.
I raised an eyebrow. “Hi…?” I lowered an eyebrow. “What are you doing?”
“Oh, I was just in the neighborhood and wanted to see if you wanted to be my date to homecoming.”
“Uh, homecoming is tonight,” I told him, confused.
“Yeah. I bought the tickets a few weeks ago, but didn’t want to tell you, because I was pretty sure you’d find a way to talk yourself out of it. So, now it’s too late to say no, and seeing how I’m already in a suit, you have to come.”
Mom snickered a little while I shifted around on the carpeted floor. “I can’t go to homecoming with you.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know, I just can’t. I’m actually busy doing some research.”
“On what?” Mom asked with an arched eyebrow.
“Nothing,” I sharply responded, knowing she would’ve killed me if she found out. “Plus, I don’t even have a dress.”
“You can borrow one of mine,” Mom said, giving me a smile. “I’ll even help you get ready.”
“But what if you need something? What if you and Dad need my help?” That was my biggest fear: something going wrong while I wasn’t around.
“I’m fine, Ellie. Still here,” she said as she walked over to me. “Now, I think you have to give this nice boy an answer. Are you going to homecoming with him?”
I bit my bottom lip as my stomach twisted up with butterflies and worry all at once. I glanced over to Mom and then over to Greyson. Then back to Mom. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“One hundred percent.”
“And if you need anything you’ll call?”
“One hundred percent.”
I sighed and let the worry kind of slide away as more butterflies came in. I turned to Greyson and smiled. “I need a few minutes to get ready.”
“Take your time.” He walked over to the couch and took a seat. “I’ll wait.”
Mom took me to her bedroom, and she started rummaging through her closet for opportunities for me to wear.
I’d never been to a dance.
I didn’t even know if I knew how to dance, honestly.
If I knew anything about myself, it was the fact that I wasn’t the best at social gatherings. Ask me to read a chapter out loud in class, and I’d nail that. Ask me to go be social, and I’d melt into a puddle of anxiety.
But it was with Greyson.
How could I say no to those eyes and that smile?
“How about this one?” Mom asked, holding out a black dress with a low drop back. “You can even wear your Chucks with it, because you’re you, and that’s awesome.”
“It’s beautiful,” I told her. “I think it’s perfect.”
“Good. Now, go change. There’s a really sweet boy waiting out there for you.”
I hurried out to my room and changed into the dress. It fit me pretty okay, but Mom was a safety pin queen and made it tighter where it needed to be tight, and she hemmed up the bottom so I wouldn’t trip over the dress all night long. Then, she helped me with my hair, and gave me a touch of makeup. She even sprayed me with her favorite perfume.
“You look like a goddess,” Mom said, tearing up. “You look like a beautiful goddess, Ellie.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She hugged me tightly, and then walked me out to the living room, where Dad and Greyson were sitting and waiting. They both stood up instantly when we walked out and both of their jaws dropped.
“Wow,” they said in unison.
“Ellie, you look—” Dad started.
“Beautiful,” Greyson finished.
I felt my cheeks heat up as I looked away, feeling bashful. Then Greyson walked over to me with the corsage and asked for my wrist.
“Wait! Pause! I need to get the camera!” Mom shouted, waving her hands. It was fun watching how excited she was getting about it all. Lately every time she smiled, it felt a bit like a blessing.
She hurried back, holding a camera, and she started snapping photographs of Greyson and me.
“Watch that hand placement, Greyson,” Dad warned.
“Yes, sir,” Greyson replied, moving his hands a bit higher, hardly touching my back. I think Dad kind of made him nervous, which was funny, seeing how Dad was nothing but a big teddy bear.
“If you want we can drive you two to the school dance and then pick you up later on,” Dad offered, and we took him up on it.
As we drove, Mom kept glancing back and smiling at the both of us. “You two look adorable,” she kept repeating, shaking her head in awe. “Just adorable.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Gable,” Greyson said, and I swore his face was even a little red from embarrassment. At least I wasn’t alone.
We pulled up to the school, and they dropped us off. “All right, you two, have so much fun!” Mom exclaimed.
“But not too much fun,” Dad added, pointing at Greyson.
Greyson swallowed hard and hopped out of the car.
As I got out and started walking away, Mom called after me, rolling down her window. “And Ellie?”
“Yeah?”
She held her hands out toward me and I walked over to her, taking them into mine. I leaned in and she squeezed my hands lightly. “Live in this moment, my dragonfly. Live fully in this moment.”
“I love you, Mom.”
She pulled me closer and kissed my cheek. “I love you, too. Now go. Have the time of your life.”
I walked over to Greyson, who looked so handsome in his suit. There were a ton of people standing around the entrance of the school, dressed up and laughing.
“Nervous?” he asked me.
“Terrified,” I replied.
This was kind of our first outing in public. Our reveal, of some sorts. Sure, we ate together at lunch, but Shay was always there. We never looked like we were a thing, but walking into that building together would definitely make it seem that way.
I didn’t even really know what we were, but I didn’t see a need to find out, either.
It was pretty simple, actually.
He was him, I was me, and we were us. This was our story.
“Don’t worry, Ellie. I got you. And also—” he took my hand into his, linking us together as one— “you look beautiful tonight.”
Chills.
Chills all across my body.
“Ready?” he asked.
“Ready,” I replied.
When we entered the gymnasium, a few people whispered about the two of us being together, but Greyson didn’t seem to pay much mind to it. I didn’t either, because if he didn’t mind, it didn’t matter.
He looked at me every now and then like I was the only girl in the room, and that meant everything to me. In a room filled with Stacey Whites, his eyes were on Eleanor Gable.
“Do you want to dance?” he asked as an upbeat song began.
My heart started pounding against my rib cage. I shifted my feet. “Oh, no. I don’t know how to dance.”
“You don’t have to know how to dance in order to dance.” He stood in front of me and started kicking his arms and legs around like a wild man. “You just do it.”
I laughed. “You look crazy!”
“So?” he said, still kicking, still jumping. Then he held his hand out toward me. “Look crazy with me?” he asked with the silliest smirk ever and I swear, I just thought about kissing him in that very moment.
I took his hand in mine and stood up.
Okay, Greyson.
L
et’s go crazy.
The night was perfect in every way, shape, and form. When it came time for the last slow dance, we walked to the dance floor and Greyson placed his hands on my lower back. We swayed back and forth just like every other couple around us, not really doing anything, but feeling like we were doing everything.
“Why did you want me to come to the dance with you?” I asked him.
“Because there’s no one else I’d want to go with. Plus, well, I kind of got the idea from your mom.”
“My mom?”
He nodded. “When we were painting, I asked her what she was looking forward to with you. You know, like your wedding someday, or your college graduation, or things like that. And she mentioned school dances. So, I wanted her to have that experience.”
My eyes filled up with tears as I stopped swaying. “You did this for my mom?”
“Yeah, I mean, it seemed really important to her.” He paused and cringed a little. “But I mean, just to be clear I did it for me, too. I really wanted to dance with you, Ellie.”
My mouth parted and my sigh fell between my lips as I went back to swaying with him. I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed him in. “Grey?”
“Yes?”
“Would it be all right if I kept you forever?”
When my parents picked us up, we dropped Greyson off first, and when he was out of the car, Mom turned around and gave me the biggest grin. “So, how was it?” she asked.
I sighed, and I was certain she could see the stars in my eyes and the cheese in my smile.
Her grin widened as if that moment was the happiest moment she’d ever lived. “Yeah?” she asked.
I sighed, smiling with the kind of delirium that could only be described as happiness.
Yeah.
12
Eleanor
One day during the first week of November, I walked home from school, and when I headed inside, I was surprised to see Mom and Dad sitting in the kitchen. “Hey, I thought you had a doctor’s appointment,”
Mom rubbed her tired eyes. “We decided to miss it.”
“Miss it? You can’t just miss treatment like that, can you?”
Dad frowned. “We actually came to the decision to stop treatment, Eleanor. After getting some results back, we realized this was the best choice.”
“Well, what do we try now? What do we do?”
“Honey, I’m tired,” Mom confessed. “I’m so tired, and nothing we’re trying is working. I’m only getting worse, and I don’t want to spend these days feeling like this. I just want to be with you and your father.”
“You’re giving up?”
“No. I’m giving in. We’ve exhausted all of our options.”
I went quiet. I didn’t know what they wanted me to say. I didn’t know what to even think.
Dad rolled his shoulders back and cleared his throat. “I asked Paige what she wanted, and she said the water. We found a nice place on the beach down in Florida. It’s beautiful, Ellie.”
“You want us to go to Florida? For how long?” I asked.
Mom smiled. “For however long we’re able to be down there. I know that changes things for you. You’d have to switch schools during your senior year, and things with Greyson—”
“Whatever you want,” I blurted out. Mom had worry in her eyes about hurting me, and I couldn’t let that be her fear. My biggest concern was her. “Whatever you want, Mom.”
Wherever she wanted to be, I wanted to be there, too.
“A cancer vacation?” Greyson asked as we sat on the top step of his porch.
“Yeah, that’s what my dad called it. It would be a family trip to Florida for a few months because Mom’s treatment is over.”
His eyes widened with hope. “Because it worked?”
I frowned.
He lowered his head. “I’m sorry, Ellie.”
“Yeah, me too. Her dream has always been to take a trip to the ocean, and well, it looks like now is the only time that will be possible.”
He was quiet for a while.
Then he said, “That’s good for her. She deserves that.”
“Yeah.”
I was quiet next.
“I’ll probably have to finish senior year down there.”
“Oh. Yeah.” He grimaced and rubbed his hands against his legs. “Is it selfish of me to ask about us?”
No, it wasn’t. I’d been wondering the same thing. Truth was, after everything with Mom, Greyson had been the next thing to cross my mind.
“We’ve never really talked about us since my mom got sick.”
“Yeah, but it just kind of felt like we were…I don’t know, just us, you know?”
I knew exactly what he meant. It was as if we didn’t need labels to describe whatever it was we had between the two of us.
We just were.
It was that simple.
“I’ve been thinking about asking you to be my girlfriend, you know,” he told me. “And I mean, just because you live in Florida for a while doesn’t mean you can’t still be that until you get back home.”
I wanted to be selfish about it. I wanted to ask him to wait for me, wanted to do the long-distance thing for a while, but I also knew that was wrong. Greyson had just begun his senior year. He was going to play his last high school basketball season. He was going to want to go to school dances and participate in different activities and go to his last ever prom, and I couldn’t be a part of any of that with him.
I didn’t want to get in the of any of it. I didn’t want to stop him from living his final year of high school to the fullest because he felt he couldn’t because of me.
“I really like you, Grey.”
He kept his head down. “But?”
“I…” I swallowed hard, somewhat shocked that I was actually going to say the words I’d been dreading so much. “I just don’t think it’s smart to try to be in a relationship right now. You have such a great year coming up, and I don’t want to stop you from living it to the fullest. You deserve to be happy.”
“You make me happy.”
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to crawl into his arms and just cry.
I wanted to be childish about it. I wanted to stay in Illinois with him so we could be us, whatever it was that we were. I wanted ridiculous laughter and kung fu movies and Harry Potter references and Greyson.
I wanted Greyson so bad.
But sometimes a kid is forced to grow up faster than they like.
“I’m not going to be okay, Greyson. The next few months of my life are going to suck, and I’m going to cry, and I’m not going to be the weird girl who reads books at parties. I’m just going to be sad.”
“You shouldn’t have to be sad alone.”
I wished he weren’t a good guy. It seemed much harder to walk away from a good guy.
“You deserve more than this,” I said.
“So, you’re breaking up with me before you even give us a chance,” he whispered, his voice tight. “Just say it and get it over with.”
I stared at him. His hands were clenched tightly together and he tapped his foot repeatedly on the step. The more I waited, the worse it was going to be for the both of us, so, I parted my lips and spoke so softly, hoping he actually heard me. “I can’t be your girlfriend, Grey.”
He stood up quickly and nodded. “Okay.”
“Greyson.” I leaped to my feet, feeling my heart pounding against my chest. “Wait—”
“No, it’s fine. Really, Ellie. It was stupid for me to think anything other than this. I hope the move goes okay.” And with that, he went into his house.
No real goodbyes.
No true closure.
Just a slamming door.
I wanted to die.
The whole walk home, I moved with regret, but I knew it had been the right choice to make. If it had been the wrong one, it wouldn’t have hurt so much.
I walked into the house, and Mom was lying on the couch. She sat up a little, an
d I hated how long it took her to get comfortable. I didn’t want her to get up because of me but she always got up.
“Hey, Ellie. How did the talk with Greyson go?”
I smiled. It was forced and fake, and she knew it. “It was fine. I’m just going to lie down for a bit.”
She narrowed her eyes and looked concerned, but I turned on my heels and darted to my bedroom. I shut my door behind me and collapsed onto my bed. My arms wrapped around my pillow, and I buried my face into it. I silenced my cries, because I didn’t want my parents to feel bad. They were already going through enough; the last thing they needed was to feel like I was broken because we were moving.
I was, though.
As I cried, a hand touched my shoulder. I looked to my right and saw Mom standing there. She was skinny, fatigued, and sick, but she was still there.
She’s still here.
She wiped my tears with one finger and sighed. “Oh, baby…”
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m okay.” I tried to promise her that I was fine, wiping my eyes. “You go rest.”
She didn’t listen, though. She climbed into bed with me and wrapped her arms around me. That made me cry even more because she was in pain and hurting yet still wanted to comfort me. It blew my mind how a mother could be the strongest person in a room, even at her weakest.
We moved the third week of November, after my parents figured out all the details for me transferring to a new school. Dad booked first-class tickets to Florida, even though Mom said it wasn’t worth it. It was as if Dad felt helpless so he was doing anything he could to try to make Mom a little more comfortable.
I was able to sit next to her on the flight, and the whole time I held her hand. She fell asleep pretty easily, and I was happy about that. Every time she’d awaken, she looked for my hand, and it was still in hers.
“Still here, Mom,” I’d whisper as she went back to sleep.
I’m still here.
13
Greyson
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: November 23, 4:54 PM
Eleanor & Grey Page 8
