by M. Robinson
“FUCK! Just what I thought!”
“What? What’s goin’ on, Doc? She okay?”
“The amniotic fluid is supposed to be clear. I need to get the baby out, and I need to do it fast,” he snapped, grabbing a bunch of supplies from his bag. “Creed, spread a towel out over Mia’s stomach, and get the blanket ready in your hands. As soon as I pull her out, I’m gonna need you to follow my instructions, we clear?”
I nodded, placing the towel on her, grabbing the blanket next to me. Holding my breath, not knowing what to expect or what was about to come. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t fucking terrified, none of this was normal. Especially, having my girl bleeding out on the table in front of me. Doc’s calm expression was the only thing keeping me from flipping the fuck out. I never imagined I would be the one standing next to Mia, waiting to see her baby girl being born.
As much as I tried to push away the guilt that Noah wasn’t here, it lingered in the forefront of my mind. He wasn’t going to be the one witnessing the birth of his daughter.
I was.
It wasn’t right, but that didn’t stop me from feeling honored as fuck that I was there and he wasn’t. I had witnessed so many people being brutally ripped away from this cruel world. Never thinking I would have the privilege to see an innocent life being born into it.
It was one of the best moments of my life.
It didn’t take long until Doc was pulling out this tiny baby girl by her head and shoulders. She was covered in blood and God knows what else. He placed her on the towel on top of Mia’s stomach, clamped down on the cord, and cut it. Taking another towel, he quickly wiped her face and eyes.
I had never seen anything more beautiful, more breathtaking in all my life. She was already so fucking perfect.
She had a full head of dark black hair, reminding me so much of Noah when he was born. I counted her ten toes and ten fingers, making sure they were all there. She had these pouty pink lips, almost too big for her little face. Just like her momma.
Before I knew it, a huge smile spread across my face, watching her curl up in a little ball, like she was still inside Mia’s stomach. Not realizing she’d made her grand entrance into the world so early. A sense of pride washed over me as Doc worked diligently, suctioning the gross shit out of Maddie’s mouth and nose. Disturbing her peace.
After a few moments, the space filled with the weakest little gasps and squeals. Her teeny arms and legs flailed, pissed off and cold. Tears began to form in my eyes, thinking about what her momma was missing. She would never get to hear her first cry, be the first to hold her in her arms. And tell her that she loved her more than anything in this world.
I kneeled down, brushing Mia’s hair away from her face, pleading for her to wake up. Whispering what I was seeing and feeling in her ear. Hoping she could at least hear me, or maybe even feel the overwhelming love pouring out of me.
“Baby, you did so fuckin’ good. I’m so fuckin’ proud of you. She’s beautiful,” I murmured, caressing the side of her face with my thumb. “Can’t believe you made her in your stomach... Jesus, Mia, I can’t believe I got to witness such a fuckin’ miracle. I will never be able to thank ya enough for givin’ me such a special gift. She may not be mine, but that don't matter. She’s all that matters now.” I leaned my forehead against her cheek, blinking away the tears. “I’m so sorry, Pippin, I promise I’ll make this up to you, even if it takes the rest of my life. I love you so much,” I choked out, my emotions getting the best of me.
“Creed, I need you to take off your shirt, wrap the baby up tight in the blanket, and hold her close to your chest. Her temperature is droppin’, which ain't good. The heat from your skin will help. I gotta finish up with Mia.”
I kissed her forehead, wiping away the tears that escaped from my eyes with the back of my hand. Clearing my throat, I stood while pulling my shirt over my head. Wincing when it scraped over the gash in my side and arm. I dropped the blood-soaked cotton on the floor and walked over to Doc. Holding my arms open, not knowing what the hell I was doing. He placed Maddie in the crook of my arm, telling me to support her neck, with my other hand securely placed under her small frame. She fit perfectly in the palm of my hand as I cradled her close to my chest, just like Doc had said.
My heart instantly melted, I was so fucked. This little bundle of joy would be the death of me, or maybe she would be my new beginning. Already having me wrapped around her tiny little finger. I walked around the room with her, holding her as close to my heart as I possibly could. Loving the way she felt up against me.
The sounds she made.
The way she curled up into my body as if she was molding herself to my chest, like she did in Mia’s stomach. Lightly gripping onto my finger.
The smell of her.
The feel of her soft baby skin.
Loving every last thing about her, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. She was my Godsend, my angel, the only thing that made sense anymore.
Her and her momma...
Were now my entire fucking world.
“Baby girl, I love you so much. I need you to know that I may not be your daddy, but I will always love you like my own,” I stifled, barely able to get the words out. This was such an overwhelming moment, one I never thought I’d experience. “Your real daddy would be here, but he’s fightin’ for you. For your momma. He may not be here right now, but he’s gonna have so many more memories with you. The first time you talk and walk. The first time he has to break a boy’s fingers for lookin’ at you. And I’m gonna be right there with him, Maddie,” I chuckled, thinking about it. “Right by his side, raisin’ you right.”
She cooed, stirring in my arms as if she understood everything I was promising. I rocked her, trying to soothe her as I walked back over to Mia. Knowing in my heart that Maddie wanted and needed her momma. I crouched down beside Mia’s face again, kissing her cheek.
“Baby, you gotta wake up. Someone is needin’ to meet you. Open them pretty eyes, so you can see your beautiful daughter.”
She didn’t even stir. I glanced at Doc, gesturing toward Mia, and he nodded his head, silently giving me the approval for what I wanted to do. Thinking it might help. Maybe feeling the warmth of the life she created would make her regain consciousness. I placed Maddie on Mia’s chest, holding her securely in place with my hand on her back, just in case she moved around.
I knew Mia would have a hard time, forgiving herself for not being awake when she was born. She spent her entire pregnancy telling me how she couldn’t wait to meet her, hold her, snuggle her. Be the first person to tell her she loved her.
There wasn’t a damn thing I could do to make this easier on my girl, make it right, other than to make a memory of it for her to look back on later. Hoping it would give her peace of mind that she was still one of the first people to hold her, even though she wasn’t awake. I pulled my phone out from the back of my jeans, set it on camera mode, and took a picture. Both their faces were turned toward the camera, looking like they were sleeping peacefully. Both perfectly content and happy in each other’s arms where they were meant to be.
Words couldn’t explain how I felt in that moment, seeing them like this. It took my fucking breath away. I wiped my tears, leaned forward, and kissed my girls. Letting my lips linger on Maddie’s soft skin, that I couldn’t seem to get enough of. It was then I noticed she felt cool and damp when minutes ago she didn’t.
I leaned back to take a look at her, making sure she was all right. My heart dropped and my smile faded, replaced with yet another image that would forever fucking haunt me. Silently praying, my mind was playing tricks on me.
Something...
Anything...
Other than what was actually happening.
“Doc!” I called out, instinctively reaching for Maddie. Placing her in my arms. “Doc! She’s turnin’ fuckin’ blue!”
He didn’t answer.
“Doc! Did you hear me?! Maddie is turnin’ fuckin’ blue!” I turned my head,
prying my eyes off her, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
Doc’s face was as white as a ghost, staring down at Mia, wide-eyed. “FUCK!” he shouted out of nowhere.
It was the first time all night I had seen the look of pure panic on his face. My eyes immediately followed the path of his petrified expression, rendering me fucking speechless. There was blood pouring out from in between Mia’s legs again. Except this time, it wouldn’t fucking stop.
“She’s hemorrhaging, I need to get the placenta out! Now!”
“Doc, Maddie... what do I do? You take care of Mia! Just tell me what to do? What do I do with Maddie?!” I panicked, staring at him with pleading eyes.
My heart beat louder and louder with every second that passed. Trying to keep calm when all I really wanted to do was fucking lose my shit.
How could this be fucking happening? She was a good girl. They both were. They didn’t fucking deserve any of this, but here they were getting punished for who I was. For what I represented.
For what I am.
I looked back and forth between Mia and Maddie, torn between who needed me the most. Desperately trying to tune out the turmoil in my mind, feeling so fucking helpless with wanting to fall apart.
“Grab another blanket, and place Maddie on the table!”
I didn’t waver, gently laying her tiny frame down near the edge.
“I need you to grab the bulb syringe over here by me,” he instructed, while he worked on Mia. “It’s the blue thing you saw me use on her after I took her out. Squeeze the bulb, and insert it into her mouth to suction out any left over secretions. Do the same in her nose just like I did before. You need to clear her airways, fast!”
I grabbed the bulb, working on baby girl. Tears suddenly ran down my face, one right after the other, falling onto her lifeless body. “Come on, Maddie! Don’t do this, don’t do this to us!” I begged, my eyes blurring with nothing but fucking pain.
“Gentle, her bones are very fragile, you don’t wanna break anything!”
I nodded, continuing to do exactly what I was told.
“Is she breathin’?”
“No! Fuck, Doc! She’s turnin’ bluer!”
“Feel the cord, is it pulsing? Does it feel like a heartbeat?”
I frantically shook my head as he peered back at me. The expression on his face told me everything I didn’t want to fucking hear. I swear I could see him silently praying in the back of his mind like he knew the end was here.
“You need to start compressions! Hold her around her torso with your thumbs right in the middle of her chest. Support her head with your hands and start pressin’ down with your thumbs on her rib cage. Not too hard, but enough to apply pressure. We need to see if we can get her blood movin’.”
I nodded, my lips trembling.
“Creed! Do you understand me?”
“Yeah,” I breathed out, getting right to work. “One, two, three, four...” I huffed, pressing down on her. Counting to myself.
Nothing.
“Is she breathin’?”
“Fuck!” I tried again, a little harder this time. “Goddamn it! Don’t you do this to me! Don’t you fuckin’ do this to me!” I yelled, cursing fucking God.
“Place your mouth over her lips and her nose, and give her a few quick breaths. If her skin’s gotten colder, then use two fingers to give compressions this time!”
Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours, but I couldn’t just stop trying. I couldn’t just let her die. When everything in my body was telling me that it didn’t matter because this still wasn’t going to end well. We didn’t have the proper equipment. All we had was God. Hoping he’d be on my side for once in my sorry excuse of a fucking life.
Without thinking twice about it, I breathed into her tiny body, watching her chest heave from my air, but I felt nothing from her little nose. I don't know how much time went by, but I never stopped alternating breaths and compressions. Determined to get her little heart beating again. Not matter what.
Beep... Beep... Beep...
I instantly looked up when I heard the device that was taking Mia’s blood pressure go off. The numbers drastically started to drop to dangerous lows. The dinging echoed through my ears and right into my fucking heart.
“Doc...”
“FUCK! We’re losin’ her!”
“NO!”
I couldn’t breathe...
I couldn’t fucking breathe.
“I almost got her placenta out! It’s fuckin’ stuck! Her body is goin’ into shock!” I watched him move as fast as he could, from one thing to another. Using instrument after instrument to pinpoint the obstruction. Frantically trying to see through all the blood. “Need to get the bleeding under control or she’ll fuckin’ die!” He grabbed another two syringes and filled them with something I didn’t recognize, rapidly jabbing one into her open abdomen and the other into her arm. Ripping open the IV kit with his teeth, he prepped her vein next and started a line.
I stood there, fucking frozen in place. Strangled by nothing but fear, crippling me in ways I never believed possible. Unshed tears pooled in my eyes, looking back from Mia’s lax body, over to Maddie’s lifeless one. “Doc... please... Maddie... she’s still... not fuckin’ breathin’.”
He abruptly turned around, only looking at me. Like he had already given up on the baby girl who was still locked in my tight grasp. Peering deep into my eyes, he spoke with conviction, “It’s either Mia or Maddie! I can’t save both! Choose!”
I shut my eyes just for a second, fighting an internal battle I couldn’t fucking win.
All I could see was blood, so much fucking blood.
All I could hear were the alarms on Mia’s machines on the verge of flat-lining.
All I could feel was Maddie’s cold skin under my fingertips as if she was never warm to begin with.
“Creed... Creed... Creed... please help me... if you ever loved me... you would find me... please help me... I’m scared, Creed... I’m so scared...” With Luke’s voice from my nightmares tangled in between.
I hadn’t heard his voice in years.
It brought me to my knees, pulling me fucking under. The pain and guilt consumed me, eating me alive. My legs couldn’t hold up my misery and devastation any longer. I fell to the floor with Maddie in my arms. Shards of glass sliced into my legs, beneath me. I welcomed the fucking sting with open arms, wanting to feel anything other than my heart being torn in two.
“Goddamn it, Creed! Who’s it gonna be?” Doc demanded, his voice muffled in the distance.
“Don’t make me fuckin’ do this! Don’t make me fuckin’ choose!” I shouted for I don’t know whom.
“We’re runnin’ out of time!”
I blinked once then twice, seeing Autumn’s face flash in front of my eyes “Please... please... help me...” her voice droned in and out. “I... love... you... always.” Reminding me that everyone I ever loved begged for me to save them.
To help them.
Pleaded for their fucking lives.
When all I did was fail them. Exactly like I failed Mia and her baby girl.
I held Maddie so fucking tight against my heart, rocking her back and forth, feeling my future slip away. Knowing in the forefront of my mind, Mia would never forgive me for this.
But it wouldn’t fucking matter, she’d be alive.
All I could think about was how could this be happening again. Praying it was all a nightmare I would soon wake up from, in bed with my girl, alive and breathing with baby girl still safely inside of her.
Conscious of the fact I was never that fucking lucky.
I wanted nothing more than to save both of them, even if it meant with my own life. If I didn’t make a decision, they were both going to die. I don’t know which punishment would be worse.
Taking both their lives.
Or just taking one of them.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Maddie. Please... know that I’m so fuckin’ sorry... I
tried...” I bawled, tears streaming down my face. Locking eyes with Doc, I nodded, muttering, “Mia, Doc. Save Mia.”
Aware this would be the end of us...
When it should have been the beginning.
Mia’s blood pressure beeped over and over again, signaling a weak pulse. Doc was right—we were out of time. I knew he wanted to fall apart like I was, I knew he was just trying to keep it together for her. Pushing on, doing everything possible to keep her here.
With us.
His silence was as painful as the pleas coming out of my mouth for him to save her.
It became a fucking waiting game.
Time seemed to stand still as my life slowly played out in front of me. Trying to balance somewhere in between the light and the darkness, when all I could see was gray.
I picked myself up off the ground, making my way over to Mia. My feet moved on their own accord, each stride more painful than the last. Until there were no steps to take, no more emotions to pull, no more sorrow to drown. Until there was nothing but my reality and truths staring back at me.
My stomach churned and my mind reeled. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t talk.
I was numb.
The darkness settled in all around me. Memories of Mia and I came flooding into my mind. From the first time we ever met, to this point in time and every day in between. I stood there, hovering above her with baby girl still in my arms, unable to let either of them go.
Watching Doc with dead eyes as he dislodged her placenta and removed it. Finding the source of the bleed and clamping it off. He grabbed the blood bags from the fridge, and fluids from the cabinet, hooking them up to her IV. Her new source of life was transferred into her veins, into her bloodstream, where I would forever be a part of her.
Whether she wanted me to be or not.
Her pulse grew stronger every minute after, her blood pressure steadying. A huge sigh of relief escaped Doc’s lips as he wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his arm, peering over at me with hope in his eyes.
“She’s stable. Not in the clear... but she’s fuckin’ stable.”
I nodded, unable to form words of what I felt in my mind, in my heart, in my fucking soul.
