“Oh, come on, Presley. I saw you the other night when I told you I was in love with you. You looked like you were about to sprout wings and fly into the atmosphere. Anything to get away from me as fast as you possibly could. I told you how I felt about you and you avoided me for almost an entire week. Don’t tell me this was moving at the speed you wanted it to. You’re so freaked out about how we feel about each other that you can’t even say it back, let alone be around me. From the very start, you had no intention of putting down roots here. I think … I think this is going to be best for both of us. I think we both knew from the beginning that we were too different to ever work. You said it on our first date. That you didn’t know if you could see us together. If we’re being honest, this”—I point back and forth between us—“might have been dead on arrival. Maybe it’s good that it’s ending before either of us get seriously hurt.”
My words are lies, burning their way out of my throat. I was already seriously hurt. My heart had been broken the second she hadn’t returned the feelings I’d told her about. But there was no point damaging my ego, and my pride, even further. Closing myself off would have to do.
Is this why Katie had just left all of those years ago instead of breaking up with me in person? Because it was easier than having the conversation, than cutting yourself open and bleeding and then trying to stitch it all back up. How I wished I could do that instead of sitting here being a full-on masochist in front of a green-eyed beauty.
“That’s really how you feel?” I can hear the tears in her throat, see the sparkle of them out of the corner of my eye as they roll down her cheeks.
But I refuse to look at her. I only nod.
“Okay, then. If that’s what you want. We’re done.”
Her words aren’t mad or angry. They’re worse. They’re final. Empty and hollow.
As soon as they leave her mouth, she’s opening the passenger door and fleeing into the night. I almost want to get out, to make sure no one follows her home, but that would be hypocritical.
I didn’t have to worry about her anymore. We were over.
And out of everything that had happened tonight, our demise was the thing cracking my heart into icy, bleeding shards.
35
Presley
He’d dumped me and I didn’t even have the courage to tell him that I was going to stay in Fawn Hill.
I’d been too much of a wimp to tell him that I was going to buy the space for the yoga studio.
And worst of all, I was far too scared to tell him that I love him back when he accused me of running.
Part of the reason Keaton had ended things between us was because I’d been his weakness. His distraction that kept him from fulfilling all the duties of his life. To know that I was the thing that made him reckless that threw his schedule off balance … shame wasn’t a big enough word to describe what I felt.
Keaton Nash was nothing if not a stand-up, responsible, in-charge kind of guy. He thrived on order, and I’d thrown his life into chaos. My personality, my instincts, the way he blew off his normal life to be with me instead … it devastated me that I was the cause of his turmoil.
And to know that Fletcher could have ended up in much worse shape if Keaton hadn’t ignored that third phone call … God, it killed me. My heart physically hurt knowing that just another second wasted, and he could have been gone.
Keaton’s words had hurt, like a burn branding my shame with each syllable. The things he’d said about me being freaked out, about me not wanting to stick around, about our relationship being dead on arrival … they stung so badly because they were true.
But I was at fault too for the way my heart felt now. Like the skin had been flayed off. As if it were a dead machine rotting for spare parts inside my body. The ache I’d been rubbing at in the middle of my breastbone all week was the cause of a spark of joy, of hope for a future, being fully stamped out.
I’d gone to Keaton’s house that night with the intention of telling him that I love him. That I am in love with him. And within a couple of hours, the fire that Grandma had lit under me to tell him how I felt had been completely extinguished.
My heart was broken. What he’d said to me, that we’d been “dead on arrival”? I could feel the lashings he’d doled out on it.
Like everything else in my life, maybe my romance with Keaton was fleeting. All the things that happened to me only lasted for a very short time. I glimpsed happiness or success, and then it was gone. A wisp of a dream, a shooting star gone too soon.
I’d been moping around the store for the last week, slinking behind the alley to walk or drive home a route that took double the time than if I just headed down Main Street. But that would put me in a direct path to spot the vet’s office. And then I’d slow down, press my foot to the brakes, just to see if I could catch a glimpse of Keaton.
And that was pathetic. So I was instead, like the mature adult that I was, driving double the time and avoiding the places I knew he’d be.
In better news, I wasn’t running scared. The man I love may have broken up with me and called me reckless, but I was trying to be far from that. Because I may not be creating a love life in Fawn Hill, but I sure as hell was building a life. I’d decided to stay, and the first act to furthering that was telling Grandma to put the bookshop on the market.
It had stunned a lot of residents when she’d done it, and we both knew they were gossiping about the two of us and my involvement with her giving up the store. None of them knew what we were planning … well, except for Jerica Tenny, the realtor who was helping me look at commercial listings for the yoga studio I wanted to open up.
Jerica was a slim, short woman probably around the age of my mom, except she looked nothing like the realtors I’d dealt with in New York City. She was the kind of motherly figure who looked like she baked pies and sewed costumes, instead of being the real estate maven of Fawn Hill. Which I mean, probably wasn’t as demanding as the city, but Jerica was whip smart and fair. I actually really liked her.
“This space just dropped in price because the buyer who bought the building was going to convert it, but the idea never passed the town planning committee. So, it’s within your budget, and I could probably get them to come down a bit so that you’d have enough to get a loan to fix the space as you want it.”
Jerica led Grandma and me around the half-finished space. I watched my footing, carefully trying not to step on nails or piles of sawdust. The ceiling was … non-existent, and some of the walls were half-installed. It needed paint, hardwood, an outfitted front desk space, a locker room, cubbies …
But. It was the first location she’d taken us to see that had floor-to-ceiling windows on two sides. The natural light in here was off the charts. And if I was forced to teach inside rather than in the park, I’d take all the natural light I could get. The shape of the space was also ideal, I could almost envision where everything would go. And it was within the budget Grandma and I had painstakingly gone over.
“Under budget would be good. This place needs a good spit shine.” Grandma nodded her head.
I’d been taking some basic online business courses at night because if I was going to do this, it was time to buckle down. I’d learn about basic accounting, bookkeeping, customer support, marketing, and all the other things that no one realized went into owning a business. It was overwhelming, yes, but for the first time in my life, I was truly excited about my professional goals.
Looking out the window, I noticed it had another perk. It was located just off the core set of shops on Main Street, on the side toward Grandma’s house. Which meant I wouldn’t have to drive past the vet’s office.
Jerica and Grandma were staring at me now. I knew that they saw right through into my thoughts. A blush creeps across my cheeks. I’m not embarrassed that Grandma knows my heartbreak.
It’s that the entire town knows Keaton dumped me that’s causing the shame. People I don’t even know whisper about me on the street. I can feel
their eyes track me as I workout in the park or pick up dinner from Kip’s to take home for Grandma and me. Were they calling me desperate? Did it look strange that an outsider would stay in Fawn Hill after their boy wonder kicked her to the curb?
I try to push the sadness and those shameful thoughts from my mind.
“I think this is the one,” I say with more confidence than I feel.
Because I love the space, and I love my idea, but what do I know about starting a business? Virtually nothing. I have a feeling I’ll be getting a crash course as soon as the keys to this place are in my hands.
Jerica smiles, and Grandma winks at me. “I’ll start drawing up the papers.”
36
Keaton
We all take a collective breath as we get back into the car, an uncomfortable, sorrowful silence washing over us.
“If that wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” Mom’s voice breaks, and even though she’s in the back seat, I know she’s dissolved into a puddle of tears.
My eyes shoot to the rearview, where I see Forrest take her in his arms, letting her cry into his shirt. His eyes are bloodshot, and still in a stupor of shock. He wasn’t with Bowen and me last week when we’d saved his twin brother from a meth house and then paid off his debts. For a long time, I think Forrest has wanted to turn a blind eye to Fletcher’s addiction because he loves him, and because it’s easier not to stir up trouble.
Honestly, we’ve all done it. But after the dangerous position he got himself in … Bowen and I knew we couldn’t allow this to keep going. No more seeing if he could pull it together, no more homegrown interventions. Our brother needs help, and now, he’ll get it.
The sign on the building looms over the hood of my car. Calyard’s Clinic. The name masks what actually goes on inside the nice exterior. Drug treatment, detoxing, therapy for addicts, recovery and sober-living education. Fletcher had kicked and screamed when we’d told him two days ago that we were bringing him in. It was only when Mom stepped in, her voice flat and low as a stone pummeled by a river, that he listened. She told him his father was watching that he was disgracing the man who gave him his name. She told him she would not stand by and watch him kill himself. I feel like I’ve swallowed glass just thinking of that moment.
Besides the day my dad died … today was the lowest day I could ever remember for our family.
We’d all gone to check Fletcher in, with Bowen and I now sitting in the front seat of my car, and Forrest and Mom in the back. We felt incomplete; this wasn’t our family unit. We weren’t united. And we wouldn’t be for another three months. Fletcher was going for a strict ninety days, and even though he could check himself out, I knew he wouldn’t.
I’d seen his face, I’d been the last one to leave his room. He looked like the little boy I remember helping up after he scraped his knee for the first time. Scared, frightened, in pain … but also a little invincible. Like the world could throw anything at him and he’d still rise again to fight another day.
I hope to God he gets healthy and sober.
“He’s going to do it, Ma. I just know it.” Forrest tries to comfort Mom as I put the car in reverse and then drive, steering us toward home.
It takes us forty minutes to get back to Mom’s house, which is pretty much empty at this point. Everything has been packed into boxes or sold, and we’re doing a final moving day next weekend to help get her settled in her townhouse. She chose a newer construction home in the section of town that has gone through a development boom in the last two years.
I told her she could move in with one of us and not rent until she found something she loved, but she refused. Said she didn’t want to infringe on us. Really, I think she’s just anxious to start the next chapter of her life. With the house sold and her husband gone, I think Mom is looking to take a couple of deep breaths and start anew as best as she can.
Forrest sits down at the kitchen island. “This is so weird. This whole day, just … strange.”
Bowen harrumphs in agreement, walking to the set of windows that looks out onto the backyard.
“I wish Dad were here.” The quiet words come out of my mouth before I can even stop them.
My brothers look at me, stunned. Bowen speaks first. “I do, too. I bet he’s happy she’s sold it.”
Forrest looks down at his hands. “He would have done that stupid wink and then told her he was proud.”
From the doorway, a sob rings out. We all turn swiftly, to see Mom standing there, tears streaming down her face.
“Thank you. Thank all of you. We raised you boys right, we raised you to be the best kind of men. Your father … he would have been proud of all of us.”
I go to her because I’m the oldest. I’m the one who carries the team now, who picks us up when we’re down.
Mom’s back heaves up and down as I pat it, as the wetness from her eyes soaks into my shirt. I blink up, trying not to get emotional. I don’t know that I have anything left in me. Between talking about Dad, where we dropped Fletcher off at today, and Presley …
She sniffles, gulping hard as she straightens to look at me. Her dark eyes narrow, the same color as my own. “And he’d want you to do the same. Move on, I mean. I see the way you look at Presley. Don’t be a fool, Keaton. Tell that girl you love her that you can’t live without her.”
“This isn’t about me.” I huff, turning away.
“Oh, yes, it is. And while it’s my turn to get real with you, I need you to know that you’re not responsible for everyone else’s problems. Your brothers can make their own mistakes and learn to clean them up. You’re not their keeper, and you shouldn’t be expected to be mine. You have to live, too, sweetheart.”
Her words hit the most vulnerable spot inside of me, the one that prickles with shame and aches from being broken. Since my father died …
Hell, even before that. I’ve always felt this sense of responsibility. Do everything in an orderly fashion. Family over everything. Duty over happiness. Love should only happen in a practical, ducks-in-a-row kind of a way. Date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, have kids.
But … my life was living proof that nothing ever happened according to plan. And here I was, still trying to control it and live by these ridiculous ideals I’d set up for myself.
“She was only trying to protect you that night, Keat.” Bowen’s expression tells me he’s on Mom’s side.
“She’s reckless. She … she, she makes me act spontaneously. I’m not a child. I’m a man with a business and responsibilities.”
“And I’d say the fact that she just purchased a storefront on Main Street says that she’s just as serious about making a life here as you are.” Forrest is looking down at his phone.
Mom clucks her tongue at him.
He shrugs. “What? Accessing building records and real estate deals is like, the easiest thing ever.”
Presley had bought a storefront? Obviously, I knew that Hattie had put the book shop up for sale but …
She was really putting down roots in Fawn Hill. Despite my rejection, despite my idiocy in letting her go, she was making a decision to settle in.
And just like that, my heart started beating again.
“I told her I loved her and she didn’t say it back,” I tell them all for the first time.
Before right now, no one knew the secret pain I’d been hiding. Her unwillingness to give me those emotions back burned in the deepest chambers of my heart.
Bowen’s voice is quiet when he speaks. “You can love someone very much and not be able to say it.”
No one touches that with a ten-foot pole. Instead, Mom turns back to me and takes my face in her hands.
“Your father told me he loved me on our second date. We’d known each other for ten days, and he professed his love to me. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. It took me an entire month after that to say it back. You are so much like him it scares me sometimes. Keaton, you are a man who knows exactly what you want.
You say how you feel when you feel it. You’re humble, intelligent, loyal and when you love someone, they know it. You’re the best kind of person. But … you can also be a bit intimidating. Presley loves you, I know that girl does, but she just needs some time to sort out her feelings. She chose you because you’re the type of man who will let her. Who will still be waiting there for her when she does finally come to that conclusion. And if she needs a little push, because she is who she is, then you give her a little push. Be her steadiness, be her patience. And when you can’t be that anymore, put it all on the line.”
“Grand freaking gesture, man,” Forrest echoes our mother.
Mom’s words open my eyes to the thing I haven’t been able to see all along. The one that’s been right in front of me.
Presley and I … we chose each other because of our differences, not in spite of them. I love that she forces me to be spontaneous, and I think she loves that I ground her.
“But I ended things.”
Mom waves me off. “Please, as if men don’t do stupid things all the time. I raised four boys, I should know. You go to her and make things right. Or would you rather be alone and heartbroken forever?”
“Jeez, way to be harsh, Ma.” Forrest chuckles.
She was right. I knew that. I’d known it since the moment I’d acted like an idiot and let go of the one woman I’d ever truly loved.
But, Presley was staying in Fawn Hill, which sparked a tiny flicker of hope in my chest.
Maybe I had one last shot.
37
Presley
The sale of the storefront at the end of Main Street hasn’t gone through yet, but that doesn’t keep me from visiting it every morning.
With coffee in hand, I stand across the street, staring at the empty windows and half-done space beyond them … just dreaming of what this place will look like a year from now. My place.
Well, technically, it’s almost all Grandma’s … but it’s my dream and I can lay claim to that.
Fleeting (Nash Brothers Book 1) Page 16
