“I’m listening.”
“We’d talked and talked about when it would be okay to tell you. Dana wanted to a long time ago, but I refused. I knew you wouldn’t take it well.”
“A long time ago? How long ago? What are you saying?” Merle was beginning to understand precisely what Kay was saying, and it infuriated her.
“Last year.”
“Last year?” Last year they were going to therapy every week and talking about what to do so they could stay together.
“Merle. Sweetie. This is so hard. I knew this would be—”
“Wait just a fucking minute here, Kay. You were seeing Dana while we were still together? Were you fucking her?”
Kay glanced around to see if anyone had heard that pointed question and also to buy herself some time, no doubt.
“No, I mean, not really.”
“Which was it? Is this why you broke up with me?”
“I don’t know. It wasn’t really. Sort of. I just knew we weren’t working.” Typical Kay. She wouldn’t commit to a straight answer. She was always so vague, it was maddening. Merle glared at her. Kay looked away, then back at Merle. Merle watched her gather herself and move from nervousness to defiance.
“Dana and I worked together.”
As if that explained everything! “Yeah. I know, but so what?”
“Well. One thing led to another.” Kay was an investigator with the city attorney’s office. Her job was doing the footwork that attorneys didn’t have time for when they were putting together a case, and she sometimes worked long hours. Obviously, she’d spent some of those hours in extracurricular sex. Why had this never occurred to her? She recalled Sigrid asking the question. Good grief, she was a nitwit.
“Yeah. I’ll bet. So you were cheating on me the whole time.”
“Merle. I wanted to stop seeing Dana. I wanted us to stay together. I really did. That’s why I didn’t tell you, because I knew it would devastate you. I wanted us to work! I went to all those frigging therapy sessions with you. Didn’t that prove I was trying? It wouldn’t have helped if I’d told I was sleeping with Dana.”
“The only thing any of this crap proves is you’re a good liar and major codependent freak. Devastate me? How could it not devastate me? You could have been honest and saved us a buttload of money.” Merle hated that she used so much foul language when she was angry, but too bad.
“I knew you’d be mad. Anyone would be. You wanted us to make it so badly. I couldn’t face your disappointment.”
“Nope. You were never any good at facing anything, were you? You couldn’t decide what brand of dishwashing liquid to buy, let alone whether you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me!”
“Now you’re just being mean.” Here came the petulance, right on time.
“I suppose Dana came along at just the right time when you were hovering on the cusp of indecision, and she scooped you right up.” Kay’s lovely face darkened and her lips curled.
“However it helps you to think about it Merle, feel free. I wanted us to be friends, but—”
“I get why you gave me so much time to buy you out of the house: you were feeling guilty. I started to feel guilty because I wasn’t paying you back fast enough. Sheesh. Oh no. There’s no ‘let’s be friends with the ex’ here. Not going to happen. Thanks for filling me in on the details. I’ll keep up with payments. Don’t worry. Bye.” She stood up and walked away. She refused to let Kay see her tears.
Unfortunately, she had to pull herself together and go back to finish the wedding-gift transaction. She went on autopilot—made her purchase, then caught the underground and bus home.
The trip gave her plenty of time to go over the whole miserable scenario once again. She guessed that all cheated-on lovers picked apart the past looking for the telltale signs they’d missed. She was no different, and as she thought about the last year of their relationship, a lot of it made much more sense.
She supposed she was grateful. She was not crazy, at least not too crazy. And she wasn’t stupid either. Trusting someone isn’t stupid, it’s essential. That your trust is violated sometimes is the price of admission to intimacy. She had no future with Kay. She never had, and it was senseless to regret the past. She’d tried and she’d failed, but it wasn’t her fault. It was time to let go.
Merle looked out the window of the Muni bus chugging its way through the Mission to her home and remembered her other heartache. Hayley was probably seeing someone now. She hoped it was someone nice, unlike her other dates. And, she was going to move out.
Merle ought to get off her ass, buck up, and start diving into the dating pool. Waiting wasn’t really going to make any difference. It was amazing, but after Kay’s revelation, something had cleared in her mind. She was done with Kay—finally, completely, and forever.
She got home in time to let Arthur out, but just barely. She was going to have to drive to the Sunday third-step meeting to make it on time. Oh, well. The environmental gods wouldn’t strike her down.
Merle grabbed her car keys and drove like a madwoman. She slid into a seat just in time for the meeting to begin, and as she listened to the speaker, she thought about willingness in its many forms. Or its opposite: unwillingness. Stubbornness. Kay had handed her a gift. She was ready to think of it in that fashion. She had to view it that way. She raised her hand.
“My name is Merle and I’m an alcoholic.” The chorus of “Hi, Merles” was so comforting, so routine, and so reliably encouraging.
“It’s great to be at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and to be sober. Thank you for your share.” This was for the speaker, whom she’d thought adequate but not especially inspiring. She needed to say aloud what had happened to her and how it affected her so that she could make it real. That was one of the ways recovery helped.
“I learned a huge lesson about unwillingness today.” She heard some scattered giggles, not of derision but of recognition. In an AA meeting, everyone identified with what everyone else went through, both the terrible darkness of alcoholic behavior and during the ups and downs in recovery.
“I don’t like to be wrong. I mean, who does, right?” Again some murmurs of assent.
“Nor do I ever want to look like I don’t have it together. Ever. Well, good luck with that.” She paused.
“I found out today that the woman I loved and thought I knew had successfully fooled me about everything. We broke up a few months ago after ten years together.”
Lots of groans greeted that sentence.
“But I found out the real reason today. It wasn’t because I was screwed up or didn’t love her well enough. I did. It really was her fault all along.” Everyone in the room was silent. One of the many wonderful things about AA was that you could say anything, and Merle had heard so many things over the years. But no one could judge you, at least out loud. It was your experience, your feelings. No one would dispute that or try to change your interpretation of your life.
“My part was my unwillingness to let go of my hope that it would all be okay and that somehow we’d get back together. It’s not going to happen, and I’m glad because I know what the truth was. I always thought she was indecisive and that she might make up her mind to come back to me. I cannot hang on to magical thinking. I have to be a grown-up and accept reality. We’re not getting back together. She came clean about some stuff today that I don’t need to tell you in detail. It was rough to hear but gave me the ability to let go. I don’t want her back. My unwillingness is broken. I’m willing to see reality, and I’m willing to get on with my life, whatever that may end up being. I’m glad to be here today. Thanks.”
After the meeting she spoke to a few people, including young Alec, who came over and hugged her.
“You’re amazing,” he said. “A couple weeks ago, you were just like me. A wreck.”
Merle chuckled. It was true after all. Leave it to a newbie to see the truth about her and state it baldly. You couldn’t fool people in AA, no matter how har
d you tried. AAs weren’t into sugarcoating stuff to save face. The AA wisdom said you could save your face or you could save your ass. Pick one.
“How about you?” she asked Alec.
“Oh, man. History. She’s history. No use in trying to hold on, like you say. We’re better than that and better than them.”
“We are, certainly. It takes a while to get there, but once you do, you’re there.”
“You’re right. I got there and I didn’t drink. I thought about it a couple times, but I didn’t.”
“Nope. That’s the miracle. Shit happens and you don’t have to drink. You just have to move through the pain to the other side. Have a good week and take care, Alec.”
“You too. Thanks so much, Merle.” They hugged again.
“Thank you!” she whispered in his ear.
Chapter Sixteen
As Merle drove home, she enjoyed the feeling of relief. She was also extremely hungry and wished Hayley had cooked something. Ah, Hayley. What a gal. Merle hoped she was doing okay. When they ran into one another, Hayley looked shell-shocked. Since Merle had had her breakthrough about Kay, it would be nice if Hayley’s life and feelings could be synched up with hers and they could be together, but that wasn’t going to happen.
It was sad, but Merle had to be okay with that too. She needed to stop wishful or magical thinking about everything and everyone. She’d find a way to deal with her feelings for Hayley. She had to start her life again. Besides, Hayley was moving out.
As she walked into the house she could smell something good. It would be hard to not have someone to cook with or eat with. She’d have to go through the whole annoying search for a roommate. Again. Whatever.
Arthur stood in front of her, his tail going a hundred miles an hour. He needed a walk for sure, and she’d do that after dinner. Hayley wasn’t in the kitchen, but a pot of chili and a pan of cornbread sat on the stove. God bless her. She lifted the lid and took a good whiff, then found a bowl and plate and sat down at the kitchen table.
Hayley appeared in the doorway.
“Oh, hey,” Merle said. “Thanks for making dinner.”
“No problem.” She fell silent.
“You okay?” Merle asked. Hayley had an odd look on her face. Merle automatically wanted to take care of her. She could endure it if Hayley wanted to talk about her new girlfriend—or that she didn’t have a new girlfriend. In spite of her resolve, she wanted there to be a new girlfriend. To make it easier to let go.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Do you have time to talk now? I don’t want to bother you…”
“No, not at all. Sit down. You ate already, I assume?”
“Not really. I wasn’t hungry.”
“Wow. You made dinner anyhow. That was really sweet.” Merle definitely didn’t want Hayley to move out and take her cooking skills with her. Or for that matter her plumbing skills. They would certainly come in handy at some point in the future. She silently ordered herself to let it go.
Hayley poured herself a glass of water and took a big gulp. Her throat muscles moved in an attractive way, but Merle reprimanded herself again for noticing. She waited for Hayley to start talking.
“I wanted to discuss something with you, because, well. Shit, this is hard.” Hayley took another drink. She looked spooked, as though she’d rather be gulping whiskey than water. Merle could relate to that. What in the world was going on? Surely it wasn’t another stalker. That would be too weird.
“What’s the matter?” Merle asked, just to help her get started with saying what she wanted to say.
Hayley didn’t answer right away. She poured another glass of water and stared at her hands, then at Arthur, who was panting hopefully in the doorway.
“Hi, guy,” she said to Arthur. “Poor fellow. You know you’re not allowed in the kitchen when we’re eating.”
Jesus Fucking Christ, she was taking her time. Merle told herself to be patient.
Hayley took her usual seat at the kitchen table. “Ah shit!” she said to the table. “I’m not good at this at all. I need to tell you something I should have told you before, but I couldn’t.”
“It’s fine, Hayley. I’m not going to be upset.”
“What? You don’t know what I’m going to say!” She sounded angry.
“No, but I have an idea—”
“You’ve got no idea!” Hayley nearly shouted. Merle was taken aback.
“Oh, sorry. Let me just let you talk.”
“Thanks,” Hayley mumbled, then took another deep breath and turned to lock eyes with Merle.
“I’m in love with you. I think I fell in love with you the first time I came over here to interview with you. But I know it’s not going to work. You’ve told me so.”
“You’re, uh—” Merle was flummoxed. This wasn’t at all what she’d expected.
“I know it’s maybe not what you want to hear. If you don’t feel the same, I get it, but I wanted to tell you the truth—”
Merle stopped her outpouring with a kiss.
It was a twin of the kiss they’d shared after they’d booted Sherrie out of the house. It was a superb kiss. As soon as her lips met Hayley’s, Merle knew it was right. It was perfect. She was there, Hayley was there. She felt a whole lot of love, an enormous amount of caring, and massive, overpowering lust. The kiss went on and on until they had to stop or risk asphyxiation.
“You’re okay with my being in love with you?” Hayley asked, somewhat suspiciously. She looked at Merle closely. “What about all your talk about me needing to get experience?” She used the air quotes around “experience.” “And what about all that stuff you said about you’re not ready for a relationship again?”
It was a fair question. “Um. I think I’d better stick to my own feelings and not analyze yours. I had a breakthrough today. An epiphany.”
“So did I!” Hayley beamed. “What was yours?”
So Merle told her about Kay and Dana. “I was still stuck in the past, and I’d put you in a box as untouchable because you’d just come out. It was silly, but it was more about my issues than about you. I was unconsciously thinking I was going to get back with Kay. And it took finding out the truth about her for me to be able to let her go. Ahem, I also had to stop assuming I knew what you were thinking or that I knew what was good for you. I started falling for you right after you moved in.” She stopped. Hayley was looking at her, her expression relieved but with a hint of a smile.
“Yeah. Uh-huh. You’re the big lesbian expert. I get it. But you hadn’t gotten over Kay. I suppose that’s understandable.”
Merle had one lingering doubt so she asked Hayley, “What about that woman you’re seeing?”
Hayley looked confused. Then the light dawned. “Oh. Yeah. Angie. I’m not seeing her.”
“But you…?”
“Slept with her, yes. I did. And it was nice, but it wasn’t you.”
Hayley told her about Angie and what they’d discussed. “It seems I can’t come unless I’m with someone with whom I’m in love.”
“No shit.” That was all Merle could think of to say.
“So all this BS about me needing to date a lot of people so I can enjoy being a lesbian is, well, BS. If you remember, I did go out on some dates. The walker, the talker, the stalker, remember?”
“Well. True. But that doesn’t mean that—”
“Shut up, Merle Craig. Will you please stop bossing me around?” Hayley had her hands on her hips, and her glare would melt steel. “Stop trying to protect me, just stop.”
“I’m sorry!” Merle couldn’t seem to avoid putting her foot in it. She slumped back in her chair, hands at her sides. Hayley grabbed one of them in both of hers and held on tight, forcing Merle to make eye contact.
“Good. Now I’m telling you. I don’t have time to waste trying to figure out if this woman or that woman or some mythical woman I’ve yet to meet is the ‘right one.’ You’re the right woman.” She stopped speaking to let that statement sink in.
“
Can I tell you ‘you need to come to bed with me right this instant’?” Merle asked in a small, acquiescent voice.
“Oh. Sure. That’s okay.” They laughed, then kissed again.
Hayley drew away suddenly with a hand on Merle’s chest.
Merle gaped at her, befuddled by sexual arousal. “What? Something wrong?”
“Yes, there is! Isn’t there something you want to tell me?”
“I don’t know? Is there?” Merle was at a loss.
“Think, my dear!”
Then the light dawned. “Oh, yes. Hayley, I love you!”
“That’s much better. We can proceed. Your place or mine?” She giggled. “I’ve wanted to say that for a long time.”
“Our place. My bed?”
“Works for me.”
*
It took them a little longer to really get started this time, but Hayley wasn’t complaining. When Merle started removing her clothes, she said, “You know there’s something I’ve always wanted to do?”
Merle was kissing her neck and her ears and her shoulders and taking her shirt off.
“What’s that, sweetie? Anything you want! I can’t get too gymnastic, but within reason…”
“I want us to take a shower. For starters. Then I want you to go down on me, and then I want you to fuck me with a dildo. You’ve got one, haven’t you? Then—”
Merle’s eyes glittered. “Whoa, whoa. Take it easy, love. We’ll get to everything.”
“See. I can have as much experience as I need with just you.”
“I see that. Okay. Let’s get the rest of your clothes off.”
Hayley leaned against her and said in her ear, “What about yours?” and nipped her earlobe.
Merle gasped and stuttered, “Oh yeah, mine too.” They finally got naked and jumped into the bigger shower, which happened to be the one across the hall from Hayley’s room.
Under the warm spray, they soaped each other all over, and Hayley marveled at the way their slick soapy bodies slid against each other. She’d never had a shower like this one. Merle pushed her against the wall and shoved her thigh between her legs. She reached between them to pull her nipples and bit her neck until Hayley wanted to scream.
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