“Mom,” I groan. “He’s Lulu’s date, not mine.”
“So, he’s still your friend and I want a picture of the two of you together.”
“It’s cool, Russell.” Alec slides up next to me, and to my surprise, loops his arm around my waist. I’m immediately accosted by his incredible smell. A spicy combination of cologne and soap.
I’m so overwhelmed by his nearness that I totally forget my mom is waiting to take a picture. Suddenly it’s not Lulu, Alec, and me, it’s just me and Alec. Me and Alec heading to Spring Formal together. And for one brief moment, I let myself revel in that thought.
I plaster a smile on my face, the action much easier to do with Alec’s arm wrapped around me, as my mom snaps a couple of pictures.
And even though it kills me to do so, I force the fantasy down and immediately step away the moment she’s finished.
“Can we go now?” I hit her with an annoyed look.
“Fine. Go.” She shoos us away. “But be careful,” she calls after the three of us as we make our way to Alec’s Jeep. “And wear your seatbelts.”
“We got it, Mom,” I call back, waving her off.
“Bye, Wendy.” Lulu waves excitedly at my mom.
“I love you!” she hollers as we reach the vehicle parked on the curb.
“I love you too, Mom.” I shake my head before peeling open the backdoor and quickly climbing inside.
“Your mom seems really cool,” Alec observes as he climbs into the driver’s seat and snaps his seatbelt in place.
“Wendy is the best,” Lulu agrees. “I wish she was my mom.”
“Your mom isn’t that bad.”
Yes, Lulu’s parents are a bit overprotective, but that doesn’t mean they’re horrible people. If anything, it makes them good parents because they don’t let her run wild. Not that my mom does either, but she trusts me a lot more than Lulu’s parent’s trust her. Probably because I’ve never given Mom any reason not to trust me.
“Says the person who doesn’t have to live with her,” she grumbles as Alec fires the engine to life.
I settle back into my seat and look out the window, watching my house disappear from view as we pull away.
——
“Earth to Hope.”
I look up to see Alec drop his suit jacket onto the back of the chair next to me, sweat lining his brow.
If I thought tonight was going to be difficult, I was wrong. It hasn’t been difficult; it’s been nearly impossible. I didn’t realize how unbearable it would be watching Alec and Lulu together. I think sticking needles in my eyes would be less painful.
I’ve seen them together over the last few weeks, but it’s always been in the hallways or at lunch, which limits them from really doing anything other than sitting next to each other or holding hands. But tonight, watching them dance. Watching Alec hold her. Watching him kiss her. It’s been the worst kind of torture.
My initial instinct was right. This was a bad idea.
“Sorry.” I apologize for my distracted state, twirling my finger over the rim of the plastic cup half full of some weird fruit punch I definitely would not recommend drinking.
“Why are you sitting back here all by yourself?” He gestures to the large round table littered with phones, jackets, and purses.
“Didn’t you hear? I’m the property watcher.”
“The what?” He cocks a brow.
“The property watcher.” I gesture to all the belongings on the table. “The one who stays back to watch everyone’s things so no one has to worry about them getting stolen.”
“Did someone actually ask you to do that or is this a job you’ve given yourself?”
I shrug. “Someone’s gotta do it.”
“And that someone is you?” He seems amused.
“Maybe.” I lift the cup to my lips and am about to take a drink when Alec grabs it out of my hand. By some miracle, I don’t end up wearing the fruit punch which sloshes over the sides. “Alec,” I object, watching him take the cup and deposit it on the opposite side of the table.
“Come on.” He walks back around the table and extends his hand to me.
I look at it like it’s a snake about to rear back and strike.
“Take my hand, Russell.” He acts annoyed but the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth gives him away.
“Why?” I make no attempt to move.
“Because I want you to dance with me.”
My stomach twists nervously.
“Why would you want to do that? Don’t you have a girlfriend running around here somewhere? Where is Lulu, by the way?” I ask, surprised I hadn’t thought to ask when he first arrived at the table.
“She ran to the restroom,” he tells me, his hand still outstretched. “And just because I’m here with her doesn’t mean I can’t dance with you. You are my other date after all.”
“I think third wheel would be a better title.”
“Hope Russell, get your butt up out of that chair and come dance with me.” He reaches down and grabs my hand, tugging me to my feet.
Wrapping his fingers around mine, he pulls me toward the dance floor, ignoring every objection I give him along the way.
The song mellows from some poppy dance number to a much slower one as we reach the center of the dance floor. My palms sweat and my throat feels like it has a large softball wedged inside of it.
Alec releases the hand he’s holding and turns to face me, pulling me into his arms without a moment’s hesitation. I want to resist. I want to push him away and run like the wind. But the moment I’m in his arms, I know there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
Wrapping my hands around the back of his neck, I avoid looking at him as he slowly begins to move.
I find Bella in the crowd and the instant our gazes lock, her eyes narrow. If I told you not to wait until it was too late had a look, it would be the look she’s giving me.
She never said anything more to me beyond our initial conversation Alec’s first week of school, but I’ve caught her watching me watching him more times than I care to admit.
“I’m sorry about tonight,” he whispers after several seconds have passed, forcing my attention back to him.
“Huh?” I meet his gaze, even though it’s the last thing I feel like I should do. Because the moment his dark eyes meet mine, I feel lost in their depths.
“I’m sorry that Lucy and I pretty much forced you to come. Clearly this isn’t your scene.” His words are soft and not meant to be offensive, but they send my walls straight up.
“What do you mean it’s not my scene?”
“I just meant you don’t seem to really be enjoying yourself.”
“Well I am,” I disagree.
“O-k-a-y,” he draws out.
“What?” I bite, growing self-conscious under his stare.
“Nothing.” He smiles, shaking his head.
“No, say it.”
“It just doesn’t make sense to me is all.”
“What doesn’t?” I don’t try to hide my confusion.
“Why a girl, as beautiful as you, has spent nearly the entire evening sitting in the corner by herself.”
My heart explodes in my chest, thumping so hard and fast I can feel the vibration of it through my entire body.
“I...I...” I stutter.
“Certainly there has to be at least one guy here that’s worthy of your attention.” He looks around the dimly lit room before his gaze comes back to me.
“There is.” Crap! “But he’s here with someone else,” I quickly add.
“Well then he’s missing out.” A soft smile graces his mouth as his hands slide from my hips to my lower back, pulling me in closer.
I swear I forget how to breathe.
It’s purely innocent, of course. We’re just two friends sharing a dance. But what he doesn’t realize is that it’s so much more for me. So much more than just a dance and he’s so much more than only a friend.
My heart aches with how badl
y I want to tell him the truth.
“Considering he’s here with quite possibly the prettiest girl in this school, I don’t think he is,” I whisper, barely getting out the words.
“But he’s not here with you, so how could he be?”
Even though I know he’s trying to make me feel better, his words feel like a back handed slap to the face.
Maybe because he’s the guy I’m talking about, or maybe because I hate that he feels the need to tell me lies in order to pacify me. If what he’s saying were true, then he’d be here with me and not Lulu.
“Alec...” I pause, trying to stop the word vomit from spewing to the surface.
“Yeah?” He dips down so that our faces are so close our noses almost touch.
Everything in my body zings to life.
How much I want him has never been clearer than it is in this very moment. Every inch of my body aches for him. My mind screams for him. My heart yearns for him. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. And the fact that I can’t have him...that he chose my best friend...it’s slowly killing me inside.
“I...”
“There you two are.” We pull apart at the sound of Lulu’s voice and I immediately take a full step away from Alec. “I was looking everywhere for you.”
“Your boyfriend forced me to dance with him,” I grumble.
“Good. Someone needed to get your ass out of that seat.” She smiles. If she suspects anything she doesn’t lead on, and considering Lulu is pretty transparent, I think I’d know if she was at all curious about what she just walked up on.
Hell, I’m a little curious myself.
“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. “But you’re back now so it’s your turn.”
“Twist my arm, why don’t you?” She swats at me playfully as she slides past me and directly into Alec’s arms. Pressing up on her tip toes, she kisses him slow and deep, with no regard for me or anyone else who might be watching.
I endure about two seconds of the show before I spin on my toe and take off across the dance floor. Tears are burning the backs of my eyes before I even reach the table.
Alec did nothing wrong. He just wanted to help me have a good time. But forcing me onto that dance floor—teasing me with something I know I can never have—only made a really shitty situation that much worse.
And then Lulu, kissing him like that in front of me. It’s almost like she knows how I feel and she’s putting on a show to hurt me. Showing me that she has him, and no matter how badly I want him, he’s all hers. And even though I know that’s not the case, I can’t make my jealous mind see things any differently.
Snagging my wristlet off the table, I immediately head for the door, knowing that if I don’t get out of here right now I’m likely going to have a full-blown melt down.
I wait until I’m outside, and away from the noise of the music and my fellow classmates, before digging my phone out of my purse. I pull up my favorites and click on my mom’s number, hoping she’s still awake.
It rings twice before her voice comes on the line.
“Hello.”
“Mom, I need you to come get me.”
“Why? Did something happen?” She must hear the pain in my voice.
“No. I just need to get out of here. Can you please come get me?”
“I’m on my way.”
“I’ll wait for you at the back side of the building.”
“Okay, give me ten minutes.”
After ending the call, I text Lulu on my way around the building, knowing I can’t leave without telling her. I make some lame excuse about being tired and tell her I’m catching a ride home with Gianna, a girl who lives in my neighborhood that I saw leaving as I walked outside.
I pace for the next few minutes as I wait for my mom, running over everything in my head. Alec. Lulu. How much everything has changed since Alec showed up at school a few weeks ago.
As much as the thought of never meeting him devastates me, a part of me wishes I never had. I want to go back to how it used to be. When Lulu and I had an easy, honest friendship and my biggest worry was getting to class on time.
I hate this weird tension that is forming between us, even if it’s only coming from me. I hate that I feel like I can’t talk to her anymore. I hate that I resent her for having the one thing I want more than anything else.
I hate how much this hurts.
When my mom finally pulls up to the curb to pick me up, I’m relieved to see Henry in the front seat, his eyes glued to the cell phone in his hands. With my little brother in the car, my mom won’t push and right now I really don’t want to talk about it.
She gives me a tentative smile as I slide into the backseat. “How was the dance?”
“It was fine.”
“Did Lucy and Alec leave?” she asks, clearly fishing as to why I needed a ride.
“No. They wanted to stay until the end and I didn’t feel like it.”
“Okay.” She gives me a look that says she doesn’t believe me but she’s willing to let it go for now.
“What’s he doing with you?” I gesture to my little brother. “I thought he was at Jared’s for the night.”
“Turns out you weren’t the only one that decided to come home early. He called me a couple of minutes after you did. Since Jared’s house is closer, I swung by and picked him up first.”
“Did you two have a lovers’ quarrel?” I tease, playfully knocking the back of his seat.
“Ha. Ha. You’re so funny.” I know he rolls his eyes even though I can’t see his face. “For your information, Jared wasn’t feeling good.”
“So he kicked you out?” I continue to give him a hard time in an effort to distract myself.
“No.” He grunts. “I decided to leave when he started puking.”
“Eww.” I crinkle my nose. “Probably not a bad idea that you left. You better sanitize your hands and wash your clothes as soon as we get home. I don’t want to end up sick.”
“You’re not going to get sick from my clothes.” He shakes his head, his attention still focused on his phone.
“Germs can live on clothing,” I correct him.
“Alright, you two,” Mom cuts in. “How about we table the germ debate for now. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s been a heck of a day for me. What do you say we swing by the supermarket and pick up some ice cream on the way home?”
“Throw in glazed donuts and I’m in,” Henry chimes in.
“Hope?” My mom meets my gaze in the rearview mirror.
“Ice cream sounds good,” I admit, knowing that if anything can make me feel even remotely better, it’s drowning my sorrows in a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
——
It’s almost two o’clock in the morning. I’ve tossed and turned for the last two hours, replaying the events of the night over and over in my head.
I don’t know why I can’t seem to shake Alec from my system. He’s just a guy, right? So why does it feel like he’s so much more than just some guy?
Because you’re in love with him...
I try to push the thought away but once it comes to the surface, it immediately takes root.
Do I love him?
It’s only been a few weeks and we’ve barely even seen each other outside of school. Is it possible to fall in love with someone when you feel like you barely even know them?
Throwing back the covers, I sit up. Deciding that there’s no way I’m going to fall asleep anytime soon, I lean over and turn on my bedside lamp before climbing out of bed.
Crossing to my desk along the opposite wall, I slide into the chair and peer out of the window. It’s too dark to see anything but something about the absolute blackness brings me comfort.
Pulling a notebook and pen out of the top drawer, I plop it down in front of me on the desk and flip it open to the first blank page.
Without much thought as to what I’m doing or why, I press the pen to the paper and begin to write.
Dear
Alec,
I’m not really sure what to say or why I’m even writing this letter to begin with. My mom said it would help me work through some of the things I’m feeling right now. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I guess I really don’t have much to lose.
Tonight was homecoming. I didn’t want to go, but for some reason I agreed to it. As much as I regret going, I’m glad I did. Because there was this moment, this one brief moment when you looked down at me and it was as if nothing else in the world existed. I’m sure it didn’t feel that way for you, but for me it was everything. Because in that moment you were almost mine. But then Lulu interrupted us and my almost quickly faded back to never.
I’m in love with you. There I said it. Crazy, I know. I have no idea how or when it happened. Maybe it was tonight, as you held me in your arms. Maybe it happened before that. Maybe it was the very first time I laid eyes on you.
I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I was so focused on picking up my books that I didn’t even look at you. If only I had known what was standing in front of me... And then there’s the moment I finally looked up. Well, that’s when everything changed. I’ve never felt anything like it before. The instant pull to another person. It was like my heart knew it was destined to love you even before my brain did.
But then you met Lulu...
Which brings me back to this letter and the reason I’m writing it. Because while yes, I’m in love with you, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re dating my best friend. That you won’t ever be mine. That I can never tell you how I truly feel.
I’ve been envious of Lulu since the first time I met her, but I’ve never been more jealous of her than I was tonight. The way you held her. The way you looked at her. The way you kissed her. It’s like I could physically feel my heart breaking. I tried not to watch. I tried to look away. But like anytime you’re in the room, I found it impossible to look anywhere but at you.
They say everything happens for a reason and that what’s meant to be will be. I don’t know how true that is, but I have to believe there’s a reason you’re not mine. Maybe the universe has other plans for us. Maybe, years from now, everything will be different and the reasons why I couldn’t have you will become clear and everything will turn out as it was always meant to. Or maybe it won’t. But I have to believe it will. I have to...
Almost Never Page 7
