Instead, I hit send on the simple reply and relax further into my seat.
Now that I’m back in the States it all feels real again. Lulu and how quickly our friendship imploded. Alec and how we left things and how little we talked while I was away.
I thought I was doing the right thing at the time by cutting myself off from everything and everyone. But now that I’m back, I think maybe I was just avoiding what needed to be done.
It’s pretty clear I can’t have both Lulu and Alec in my life. And truthfully, I’m not ready to let either of them go. So, for the past year, or really even longer than that, I’ve been sitting at a crossroad, afraid that no matter which way I turn I’ll end up at the wrong destination.
In an effort to distract myself, I ask Sophie about her beau, which is a sure-fire way to get her talking about herself. At least for a little while. Luckily for me, that does the trick and I’m able to turn my mind off and listen to her ramble on for the better part of thirty minutes.
Sophie has been a god send these last few years. When I first met her, I wasn’t sure how well we’d get along. But by the end of our first week living together, I absolutely adored her. She has been there through everything that’s happened with Alec, and I value her opinion more than she will ever know. But, I’m also very different from Soph. She has a ‘grab life by the balls’ type of attitude, whereas I’m more of a ‘go with the flow and see where life takes me’ kind of person. But for all of our differences, she has been the friend that I sorely needed, especially after I ruined my almost ten-year friendship with Lulu in one quick swoop.
A part of me is angry with Lucy, though I don’t really think I have the right to be. I like to think that if the shoe were on the other foot, I would have supported her no matter what. Haven’t I always? Even when she got something I wanted, I always put on a smile and swallowed my feelings. If she was happy, that’s all I cared about, at the end of the day. To not get the same support from her was a hard pill to swallow. Then again, I crossed a line that most would deem unforgivable, so I guess I should count myself lucky that she’s even speaking to me at all.
More than anything, I miss her. I miss our friendship. I miss laughing and talking until all hours of the night. I miss picking up the phone and calling her when something exciting happened. Or having her tell me everything will be okay when I’ve had a rough day.
For all her faults, Lulu is my best friend. No, she’s more than that. She’s my sister. And I feel the void of her a hell of a lot more than I ever thought possible.
And then there’s Alec. The man that has plagued my thoughts since the first moment I laid eyes on him. Despite everything that’s happened, I still love him. I know it deep in my bones. What I feel for him is not something that can be easily escaped. I’ve tried.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get over him...or if I even want to. But I also know I can’t lose Lulu either. And again, here lies the true problem. I can’t have Alec without losing Lucy. And I can’t be friends with Lucy knowing she’s the person keeping me from Alec.
It’s like a catch twenty-two and I’m stuck right in the middle not able to move.
“Earth to Hope. Come in, Hope.” I break my gaze from the window and look back at Sophie.
“Huh?” I question, having not realized she was talking to me.
“I asked if you wanted to stop and get a bite to eat. You must be hungry.”
“Starving actually,” I admit now that I think about it.
“My apartment is only about twenty more minutes from here, but I don’t think I have anything good to eat there. Unless milk and saltine crackers sound good.” She laughs when I crinkle my nose. “That’s what I thought.” She flips on her turn signal and veers into the right lane. “There are a few restaurants off the next exit. Anything you’re in the mood for?”
“I’m good with whatever.” I shrug. “Just no fast food.”
“What do you have against fast food?”
“Nothing. But after spending a year in Italy, eating some of the finest cuisines you can imagine, I don’t want my first meal in the States to be some reheated grease trap that probably has a hair in it, or worse, made by a staff member who doesn’t wear gloves while preparing it.”
“Wow. I didn’t realize a year abroad would make you so snooty.”
“I’m not snooty. I just have higher standards now.”
“Well that makes one of us.” She takes the exit and turns again at the stop sign. “I, for one, love me a good grease filled cheeseburger.” She stops at a red light and points in front of us. “How about The Breakfast Shack? Certainly you haven’t formed an adversity to eggs and pancakes.”
“Eggs and pancakes would be fine.” I laugh, rolling my eyes at her.
Chapter Twenty-one
“Knock, knock.” I look up at my open door. I just carried up a stack of boxes and wasn’t able to close it completely when I entered the apartment. “You Hope Russell?” the guy asks, looking down at the clipboard in his hand.
“That’s me.” I nod, wiping sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand.
“We’ve got quite a few boxes for you. Want us to go ahead and bring them up?”
“Yes, please.” I nod, stepping forward when he extends the clipboard to me.
“Just need your signature at the bottom.” I scribble my name and hand it back to him. He glances down, confirms I signed, and gives me a stiff nod. “We’ll have it right up.”
“Thank you.” I offer him an exhausted smile.
I didn’t realize how hard it would be to move. You would think with as little as I own, it would be pretty easy. But having to carry it all up three flights of stairs made it seem like a hell of a lot more stuff than it actually is. And this is only the stuff I had in storage here in New York. All my other stuff my mom sent to me, which is what I’m assuming the delivery driver has downstairs.
Even though I didn’t get to see my apartment before I leased it, I knew the moment I stepped inside that I made a good choice. It’s an apartment in New York City, so I knew I wasn’t going to get much on my budget. And while it’s small—the entire apartment only equaling about five hundred square feet—the building is well kept and the apartment itself is clean. The owners even had new carpeting put in after the last tenants moved out, which gives the studio style apartment a newer feel.
Sophie and her boyfriend offered to help me move everything in, but after inconveniencing them for three days, I insisted I wanted to do this on my own. Although they still ended up helping me empty out my storage unit into the small truck I rented, no matter how many times I told them I could do it myself.
I half expected one or both of them to follow me into the city, because let’s be real, Sophie is someone who does whatever the hell she wants no matter what anyone tells her.
And as much as their help would have been appreciated, I’m glad that they didn’t come. They’ve done enough for me, and honestly, I wanted to do this on my own.
Italy gave me a sense of independence I never had before and I’m determined to hold onto some of that going into my new life here in the city. I’m an adult now. Twenty-two years old. Living in New York City all by myself. Getting ready to start an incredible new job at a restaurant most chefs would die to work at.
I know how blessed I am to be where I am. But I’ve also worked my butt off to get here. And sacrificed a lot. Even though my personal life is a crap shoot at best, I’m really proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish in my professional life and I’m excited to see where the future takes me.
I ignore the tiny ache in my chest that pops up every time I think about the future and how the one person I want to share it with isn’t here.
One phone call. That’s all it would take. And yet, for reasons I’m still not sure I fully understand, I can’t bring myself to call him.
“Where do you want these?” I look up from the box I’m unpacking to find the delivery driver standing in my open doorway again.
“Just inside the door is fine,” I tell him, watching him deposit the two boxes before turning and heading back down to get more.
I briefly wonder if I should help him, but then decide against it. He’s getting paid, and truthfully, I’m beyond exhausted after making countless trips myself.
I work on sifting through some of the boxes as he brings them up. There aren’t many, seven in total, most of which are old clothes my mom didn’t know if I’d want or not. I tried telling her to wait and I’d make the trip out to go through it all eventually. But she’s working on converting my old bedroom into a home gym, and I think she wanted it all out of her way.
Once the delivery driver is gone, I lock the door and pour myself a glass of wine, something I never drank before I traveled to Italy. Now, it’s one of my favorite things.
I sit on the floor, sipping my sweet red blend as I continue to empty boxes. When I come across a box that my mom shipped containing pictures and old notebooks, I take my time going through each one, smiling and laughing at some of the ridiculous photos of me and Lulu.
It makes me sad to think about how close we used to be and how far apart life has pulled us.
I set the photos aside and turn my focus to some of my old notebooks. I find recipes I created when I couldn’t have been older than twelve or thirteen, a few of which I set aside because they’re actually pretty good.
When I reach into the box and pull out another notebook, my stomach twists at the sight of the tattered blue cover. I’d recognize this notebook anywhere. The last time I saw it was the night Alec had it. The night he read the letter.
Flipping through the pages, I find it easily. There’s a picture of me and Alec marking the spot. I look at that picture for a long time. The dress Lulu bought me, Alec’s handsome smile. It all seemed so complicated at the time. If only I had known what would become of us. How much more complicated it would become.
Lifting my wine glass to my lips, I take a long drink as I re-read the words that I wrote all those years ago. Words that, as much as I hate to admit, still hold true to this very day. Words that had poured from my soul the night of the Spring Formal when I came home and cried over a boy for the very first time. Sadly, the tears I have shed over Alec Murray did not stop there.
I run the tip of my finger over the ink. If I close my eyes, I can almost picture I’m there again. The same lovesick, sixteen-year-old girl still resides inside of me—grasping to something she knows she can never have but is too afraid to let go of.
I lose myself to the memories. I let them take me under one by one as I think back to everything we’ve been through since the day I wrote this letter. I soak it in until I’m consumed by the past, and then I do the only thing left to do. I stand up, walk into the kitchen, and drop the notebook into the trash.
I promised myself when I accepted the job in the city that this would be my new beginning. A fresh start away from Alec, Lulu, and all the drama that has surrounded us over the last six years. Moving on means letting go. And while I may not be ready to let go of him, this letter is a start.
——
“What the hell, Hope?” Lulu sighs into my ear. “I told you to call me. I expected to hear from you last week.”
“I’m sorry, Lu. I’ve been so busy getting settled into my new apartment. Plus I started at the restaurant and it’s been crazy. I didn’t realize how intense working at a restaurant in the city would be. We turn away more people than we actually serve each night.”
“How is it? Do you love it?”
“I really do,” I admit, a smile touching my lips. The transition into my new life has been a bit of a whirlwind, but it’s kept me busy and that’s exactly what I need.
“I’m really happy for you.” The softness in her voice is something I haven’t heard in quite some time.
“Thank you.”
The familiar pit I get in my stomach every time I talk to Lulu returns. It’s a combination of guilt and regret. And while I’m glad she’s speaking to me again; I wish we could go back to the way things used to be.
“So what was it that you needed to talk to me about?” I ask, knowing that she’s not just calling to chat.
“Have you talked to Alec?” The mention of his name causes my insides to twist.
“You know I haven’t,” I say, having told her as much the last time we spoke right before I came home. Alec is a sore subject so I try to avoid that topic at all costs.
“I think there’s something you need to read.” I hear her fingertips typing on her laptop as she talks. “I’m emailing you a link right now. Read it and then call me back.”
“O-k-a-y,” I draw out, not sure what it could be that she wants me to read.
“You’ll understand once you see it.” She pauses. “There, sent. Call me back.”
“Okay.” I barely get the word out before the line goes dead.
Peeling myself off the couch, I snag my laptop off the small breakfast bar and flip it open, sliding onto one of the bar stools that make up my small eating area.
Pulling up my email, I find the one from Lulu and open it to find nothing more than a link. Not sure what I’ll find on the other end, I click it and hold my breath.
When it takes me to a magazine website, I’m a little confused. At least until I see the headline.
Almost Never – Part One
By Alec Murray
What the...
My eyes quickly scan the top of the page and I realize instantly what I’m reading. It’s a fiction piece written by Alec. Part one, published nearly four weeks ago.
His serial.
It hits me like a ton of bricks. The serial Alec was working on. The one he said he was going to publish. This must be it.
I scramble to my feet and go to the trash can in the kitchen. Digging to the bottom, I locate the notebook I tossed in there a few days ago. Thankfully, I haven’t eaten here so the only trash is a few little odds and ends that I threw away as I unpacked.
Pulling it out, I flip to the note I wrote him, and my focus goes to the bottom line. Almost never. It’s how I signed the letter.
My heart is thudding so loudly inside my chest that it’s the only sound I hear.
Going back to my laptop, I drop the notebook next to me on the counter and turn my attention back to Alec’s story.
I remember the first time I saw her. Her brown hair. The way her cheeks flushed as she looked up at me. It was like all the air was sucked out of the room. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe.
I’m on the verge of hyperventilating as I continue to read. He wrote about me? About us? The names are different, but every word, every line, is the story of our past. Woven so beautifully into words that bring everything he was thinking and feeling all those years ago to life.
It takes me about thirty minutes to get through the piece which spans our Junior year. By the time I’m finished, I’m not sure if I want to laugh or burst into tears.
He wrote about me...
I scroll further down the page, looking for more, but the story finishes at the end of the school year.
I quickly grab my phone and pull up Lulu’s number, desperate to know if there’s more.
It rings once before her voice comes on the line.
“Lu,” I choke, not sure what to say.
“I was so angry with you,” she starts, not giving me a chance to say anything. “But I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand. It wasn’t you who took Alec from me, it was me who took him from you.”
“Lu.”
“I should have seen it. I should have picked up on the signs. You loved him that whole time. You loved him, yet you stood by and let me have him. Why?”
I don’t know how she knows any of this, because the part I read only talked about his feelings during that time, but I answer her honestly anyway.
“Because you loved him too.”
“Not like you did.” She sighs. “Hope, why didn’t you talk to me? Tell me how you were feeling.”
“You waited until things were over between us and even then you denied yourself. You tried so hard to do right by me.” How does she know this?
“I did. But clearly I didn’t do a very good job.”
“You did better than most would’ve done.”
“Lu.”
“I’m not saying that I forgive you for what happened. You should have talked to me, been honest with me, but I think I understand now more than I did before.” She falls silent for a long moment. “There’s more.”
“More what?”
“More parts. He’s released four already and the fifth comes out tomorrow.”
“There’s more? I didn’t see anything else.”
“Search the title in the search bar. You’ll find them. You need to read them, Hope. All of them. I think maybe I’m not the only one who didn’t know the whole story.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The way he talks about you, Hope. It’s like you are the very thing that tethers him to the Earth. He loves you in a way that I only wish someone loved me. Read the other parts. You’ll understand what I mean.”
“I don’t know if I can. It’s too painful.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve stood in the way of your happiness for long enough. If Alec is who you want, you shouldn’t live another day without him.”
“I’m not going to do that to you.”
“Why not? I’d do it to you.”
“No you wouldn’t.”
“Hope, we both know that I would. Because I’m selfish. I’m not ashamed to admit that. And while yes, this hurts more than I care to admit, I’ll get over it. But you won’t. If you let him slip through your fingers, you’ll never forgive yourself and neither will I.”
“I can’t lose you, Lulu. You’re my best friend.”
“You’re not going to lose me. I won’t lie and say that everything will be like it used to be. The truth is, things will never be the same, but that’s already true. There’s no reason for both of us to be unhappy.”
Almost Never Page 17
