‘Just let me go. Now.’ Ana repeated the demand with an icy threat in her voice. She swung a leg up behind her, preparing to knee him in the nether regions, when his arms suddenly loosened around her.
Relief swept through her and she tumbled backwards into the crowd. She didn’t care, as long as he didn’t follow her. Thank goodness her words finally got through to him and she didn’t have to put her meagre self-defence skills to the test.
‘That wasn’t all that hard now, was it?’
What. The. Hell.
Why did that sound like Brad? He hadn’t been anywhere near her. He shouldn’t have seen what happened.
And yet, there he was, stepping out from behind Xavier, his hand still gripped around the other man’s neck. As she watched, he loosened his grip, gently smoothing down Xavier’s collar, as though he was just giving the man a friendly pat.
‘What are you doing, Brad?’
But he wasn’t paying attention to her. His entire focus centred on the other man, on proving…what? She wasn’t quite sure.
‘I think you might owe the lady an apology.’
‘Fuck off!’ Xavier shoved two hands against Brad’s chest and pushed him into the growing crowd around them.
Brad’s chest puffed up with male pride, and he looked set to fight back, but Ana grabbed hold of him, sliding herself swiftly between the two men.
‘He’s not worth it,’ she whispered, close to him now, using her body to push him away. ‘Let’s just go.’ She weaved them further into the crowd.
Time and distance appeared to cool Brad’s head. He pulled her to a stop at the edge of the dance floor and spun her around so she was facing him. He leaned forward, tilting her head up till her eyes met his, the tips of their noses almost touching.
‘Are you okay?’
‘That’s the first thing you should have asked.’
The words came out harsh, and Brad flinched as though she’d slapped him. She shouldn’t be angry with him, but goddammit, she was. If she hadn’t been trying to forget about him tonight, she’d never have ended up in that situation with Xavier in the first place. She usually had a spot-on bullshit meter, but tonight she’d been distracted by Brad. And then he’d gone and done the whole hero saviour thing for her again, and she was supposed to be thankful. And she was, and turned on, and so totally angry she always got hero Brad, when all she really wanted was Brad. Period.
‘I’m asking it now.’
She could feel the watchfulness in his gaze, could see past the shield, and knew she’d hurt him. But he’d hurt her too.
A small part of her knew she was overreacting. Maybe it was part shock, enhanced by the alcohol she’d consumed, but part of it was true, and for once she couldn’t play nice. She couldn’t smother the feelings and smile and pretend it didn’t hurt.
She sucked in a deep breath, ready to let it all explode, to tell him just how it felt. But something shifted in his expression; tenderness wound through his face as he reached over and brushed a strand of hair back from her, his fingers curving ever so gently around her cheek and she felt, just for a moment, as though she was the most precious jewel in the world.
He loved her. He had to. He just couldn’t say it.
But neither could she force it from him.
‘I’m fine. I just need to get out of here,’ she pulled her head from his hand, twisted around and walked briskly away from him.
‘Ana!’
But she ignored him, made a bee line for the table, scooped up her bag. Cara looked up as she brushed past her, grabbing hold of her arm and halting her progress for the door. Her lips were swollen from Levi’s kisses, but her lust-glazed eyes were clearing as they looked at Ana properly.
‘Your friend is a pig!’ Ana poked Levi in the chest, unable to hold back her emotions any longer. ‘Who doesn’t understand that no means no?’
‘What happened?’ Cara gasped, standing up to wrap an arm around Ana’s waist. Grateful for the support, Ana immediately sank into her friend.
‘What are you talking about?’ Levi looked up, confused. ‘You were the one that was all over him.’
Cara spun around so fast at his words, Ana felt a little dizzy. ‘Did you seriously just say that?’
‘It’s the truth,’ Levi shrugged. ‘What was he supposed to think when she dragged him onto the dance floor?’
Ana gasped at his words, horrified by the implication. Who were these people? But she didn’t want to wait to find out. She just wanted to leave.
Cara had other plans, though. Her friend leaned forward, whipping a stinging slap across Levi’s face, the sound ringing between the three of them. Before he could respond, Ana grabbed her hand and raced for the door.
Pushing through the nearest exit, they burst onto an almost-deserted street. They’d ended up in a side alley. At least in this part of the city even the side streets were illuminated with the bright orange glow of street lights. Looking one way then the other to get her bearings, she headed towards Ann Street, desperate to get as far away from the pub as fast as she could.
‘Hey, slow down,’ Cara pulled on her arm just before she crossed the main road. ‘What happened to the other guy? Should we get security on to him, or—’
‘Brad dealt with him.’
A small smile quirked across Cara’s face, ‘maybe he does have his uses after all.’
The door behind them opened, and Brad stepped out into the street, striding straight over to her.
‘Why didn’t you wait for me?’
‘Wait for what, Brad?’ She couldn’t help the words spilling out. All the pent up pain she’d wanted to keep hidden leaked into the words.
‘For me to walk you home, to look after you.’ He looked confused, his eyes darting around her face, not quite grasping her meaning.
‘You can’t look after me forever Brad. I don’t need a hero anymore.’
‘You did tonight.’
The way he said the words rubbed her the wrong way, stabbed at a wound she hadn’t wanted to touch. Because the truth was, she wasn’t sure she could have handled it tonight. But she needed to. Just like she needed to live on her own.
As much as Brad wanted to be there for her, he couldn’t. She needed to stop relying on him and start looking after herself. Natalie had been right about that.
‘I was handling the situation. I didn’t need you then and I don’t need you now,’ she told him, spinning around and striding down the street.
‘Don’t walk away from me, Ana.’
‘Why not? You’ve spent the last ten years walking away from me.’
He strode down the street, making short work of the distance between them. ‘That’s not what I’ve done.’
‘Then what is it? Why can’t you stay the night with me, even when you promise to?’
He stared back into her eyes, and just for a moment she thought he was going to tell her. But then he looked away, shoved a hand through his hair. ‘It’s complicated.’
‘That’s bullshit. Just tell me,’ her eyes pleaded with him, begged him to give her something. Something that could keep her coming back. Some salve for the pride he trampled on every time she opened her door to him.
He reached for her then, wiped a finger across her cheek, collecting the tears she hadn’t realised were slipping down her face. He slipped his arms around her, and, dammit, she wasn’t strong enough to pull away. How could he be wrong for her when he felt so damn right?
‘I wish I could, baby. I wish I could.’
The words, when they came sounded as though they’d been wrenched out from inside of him, torn from the inner linings of his soul.
But for Ana they weren’t enough.
‘I can’t do this anymore, Brad.’
‘What do you mean?’ He pulled back to look into her eyes.
‘You. Me. This thing we do. I can’t…I can’t handle it anymore. I need a future. I need to settle down with a man who’s still going to be there in the morning.’
‘
I’ve never stopped you from moving on.’
‘Don’t you get it? I can’t move on when you’re around, saving me. No man has ever measured up to you. Do you think I want to love you? Do you? Because I don’t! I hate that I’ve spent my entire life loving a man who’s always running from me. But it never stops. Never. And my heart breaks every time you walk out that door.’
Ana stopped, exhausted from the outpouring of emotion; from saying all the things she’d kept bottled up over the years. Her breath heaving out of her body, the tears drying on her face, she stared at Brad in the patchy light of a street lamp.
He dropped his arms from her, taking a step back, creating a space between them.
‘I…I…didn’t know I hurt you every time I left. I thought you were…okay, that you understood how I couldn’t…’ He broke off and stared down at the ground. He shoved his hands in his pockets and when he looked up again, there was nothing but raw, pained, honesty in his gaze. ‘I can’t continue to hurt you, Ana. We have to end this, don’t we?’
He phrased it as a question, but it wasn’t one. Not really.
‘I want you to be happy, Ana. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. For you to live a full and happy life. If that means settling down with another man—someone who treats you right—then that’s what I want for you.’
His words stabbed through her heart making her desperate and just a little crazy. She didn’t want to lose him. She couldn’t lose him. No matter what she’d thought earlier, she’d been wrong.
‘But I don’t want anyone else. I just want you. I want to go to bed with you every night and wake up with you every morning. I want to marry you. Or not. As long as I’m with you. Forever.’ She threw her heart, her soul, every ounce of her being into the plea. That thing she’d been so desperate to hold onto before—her pride—was gone, floating away with the breeze. Because, she’d give it all away, if she could just have Brad.
He stared down at her, the seconds passing by slowly. With each one, a tiny piece of her heart broke away. His mouth moved. He was going to answer her. But then he stopped. He looked away, pulled a hand from his pocket to run it through his hair, before returning it to safety.
‘That’s what I want too, Ana.’
‘Then why can’t we have it?’ Her voice cracked on the question, because even though the words sounded right, his face said it was wrong.
‘I told you.’
‘It’s complicated? I deserve more than that, Brad. If you’re going to deny me—us—this, the very least I deserve is to know why.’
‘I can’t explain,’ he said, his voice raw with pain.
This wasn’t easy for him.
But dammit, it wasn’t easy for her either. She needed to know.
‘You can. You just don’t want to.’ Ana stared at him.
‘It’s not about want, Ana. If it was, I’d never leave your side.’
‘Then what is it? For pity’s sake, Brad, just tell me!’
Beneath her relentless questioning, Brad’s hands broke free of his pockets and began to gesticulate wildly in front of him. When the words came, Ana heard a voice harsh with anger and pain and something else, something she’d never heard before.
‘What do you want to know?’ he yelled. ‘That I love you? Do you need to hear that? Because I do, Ana. With every fibre of my being I love you. But no matter how much I love you, no matter how right this feels, being with you, seeing you always reminds me of the worst moment of my life.’ His hands fell by his side, the way a fighter might give up a fight that was always going to be too hard to win. ‘And that is something I can never wake up to.’
Chapter Twelve
As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Brad wished he could take them back. Wished he could have lied to her, wished he could have given her some glib line about needing to be up early to exercise.
But he couldn’t. Because she was right about one thing, she deserved the truth. He wouldn’t shield it from her any longer.
It was hard, so hard, to step away. All his new-found hopes for a future with her were gone. Maybe he could have tried, could have promised to stay in the mornings. But he wouldn’t have been able to follow through on it. It was the one thing he couldn’t do.
Ana hadn’t uttered a word since he’d told her. She merely stood, frozen, her face pale beneath the warm glow of the street light. Her eyes were stretched wide, her mouth a round “O” of shock.
‘Ana? Ana, please say something.’
‘What do you want me to say, Brad? How am I supposed to react?’
‘I don’t…I just…’ But there were no words he could say to wipe out the pain in her eyes, so he gave up trying. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’re sorry? For what? For saving my life?’
‘No. You’ve got it wrong.’
‘Then explain it to me.’
‘It’s just…I’ve…Don’t you see? I’ve got blood on my hands. The night I saved you I killed a man. I took another person’s life. And I can never give that back.’
‘But if you hadn’t killed him, I wouldn’t be here.’
‘Maybe. But what if I could have saved you without killing him?’
There it was, finally out in the open; the question that had haunted him for so long. But would Ana care? Would she get why he was so fucked up?
‘He killed my mother! He would have killed me!’
Of course not. He should have known better. She wouldn’t understand. But if she didn’t get it, no one would.
‘I know. I know all of that.’
‘Then why do you feel this guilt and…?’
The question trailed off and Brad closed his eyes against the plea in hers, the wish to understand.
Was there more he could tell her to make her understand? He was trying.
God, how he was trying!
But he’d held onto the pain for so long, and now it had become too hard to explain it to her. Not the way she needed to know.
He wouldn’t be able to live with seeing the love and trust, the respect in her eyes turn to the shame that was his constant companion. She would have nothing but disgust for him if she knew the real truth.
He had no choice. He’d rather she hate him than know the truth.
‘You’re not going to tell me, are you?’
He opened his eyes to stare at her, unable to voice the answer she already knew. He reached out a hand to comfort her, to try and make up for it in some way.
‘Don’t touch me,’ she snapped abruptly, yanking herself out from beneath his hand.
She could barely look at him. There were wells of tears building up inside her eyes, her pain a palpable entity between them. ‘Just…just…leave me alone.’
The words came out, barely above a whisper. She twisted on her heels and started racing up the street. He raced after her. He couldn’t let her go. He couldn’t let it end like this.
But in the end, she didn’t leave him a choice.
They were barely half way up the street when she turned around so quickly he almost tripped over her.
‘Stop, Brad. Do. Not. Follow. Me.’
The words were like ice shards pushed through his chest. ‘But I just want to get you home.’
‘That’s not your place anymore. You’ve made your choice.’
With that, she raced down the street, her hurried steps clip-clapping against the bitumen. Just before she crossed the road a shadow slipped out from against the wall, and in the dim light of the street lamps, he could just make out Cara’s profile.
Pain tore at his chest as he watched the pair disappear into the crowd.
What was he going to do? How could he move forward?
Ana was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Had he really just let her walk out of his life?
Chapter Thirteen
Had she done the right thing?
At the time she’d thought so. At the time, walking away had been the only thing she could do. But now that all the tears had been cried and the hurt
had begun to subside, she had doubts.
I have blood on my hands.
It was as though those words—Brad’s words—were scrawled across the ceiling. Painted in blood, they were taunting her with the truth. Lying in her bed, staring up at the same spot on the ceiling, it was hard to hide from the truth.
Not once in her life had she wondered what it had been like for him. How did that happen? He’d tried to tell her last night, but she’d blocked it out, too concerned with her own pain to think about his.
Her stomach churned at the realisation.
She needed to call him, felt a desperate need to see him. At the very, very least she needed to apologise. But would he want to see her?
Her phone started ringing, and her pulse picked up, racing to the beat of the tune. Maybe it was Brad.
With a quick flick of her wrist she grabbed the device off her bedside table and stared at the screen.
Travis.
Again.
She hit the red reject button and dropped the phone, her body sinking back into the bed, deflated.
Travis had called her four times now. Pierce twice. Cara three times. Gabby once. She hadn’t answered the calls. Not one. She couldn’t handle talking to any of them right now. She’d sent Cara home this morning, needing to be alone.
Well, maybe not completely alone. There was one person she wanted to talk to. But he hadn’t called. Not once.
The device on her chest started vibrating, a mere moment before the text message beep came through.
Still need a lift 2 dinner?
Dinner? Dinner? What dinner could he be talking—oh, damn! Now she remembered.
Back from their latest outback adventure less than a week, her dad and Vivian had organised a family dinner for tonight.
Damn. Damn. Damn.
What was she going to do? She couldn’t go to it. Not in her current state.
Pushing herself up into a sitting position, she stared at her reflection in the mirrored wardrobe doors. Okay, so the tears had stopped, but her face was puffy, her eyes were sore, and she had red splotches all over her cheeks.
A Love Worth Saving Page 17
