by Sophie Stern
“But something happened, and it did end. We talked about that a little bit,” Cooper pointed out gently.
He didn’t say, “but Jake cheated on you.” I appreciated that. It had been a big problem that reflected on the healthiness of our relationship, but that wasn’t the problem I was thinking about as I ate with Cooper.
“A lot of things happened,” I sighed. “But what I was thinking about in particular is that I never felt comfortable with him.”
“What made you think of that?”
“I feel comfortable with you,” I said.
“I feel comfortable with you, too,” he said. “Probably more comfy than I should, if I’m being honest.”
“Is that true?”
“It’s true.”
The feeling that followed his statement made me feel wildly happy. Content. It made me feel so damn happy that I thought I might throw up again, but I’d made a promise to myself not to let Cooper see me puke again unless it was because we got really, really drunk. I needed to figure out a way to get my stomach under control. Having a crush on Cooper wasn’t good for my digestive system.
“When I was with Jake, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells.”
“I had a few girlfriends who made me feel that way, too,” Cooper confessed.
“Really?”
“Truly. It’s a horrible feeling, isn’t it?”
I nodded.
“It’s like, the one person you’re supposed to be yourself with is the one person who’s holding you back from being who you want to be.”
“Absolutely,” he said. “I dated one girl who hated that I worked with teachers and female students. She was constantly worried I was going to cheat on her with one of the teachers or that I’d somehow make a pass at a student.”
Cooper shook his head as though it was the grossest thing he could think of.
“Our last principal was fired for sexual indecency,” he said.
“You told me.”
“It made her question all principals, though, as if being in that job position is what turned someone into a snake.”
“She made you feel like you weren’t good enough,” I commented.
“Pretty much. I felt like I was constantly forced to defend myself,” he said.
“That’s never a good feeling.
“It’s the worst.”
“I’m glad you feel comfortable tonight,” Cooper said.
It was hard not to be. The quiet dining room, the delicious food, and the wonderful company were all things I hadn’t even known I’d been missing.
“I thought I’d be more scared.”
“Me too.”
“You thought I’d be scared?”
“I thought I would be,” he laughed.
“Somehow, being with you is like...I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Like coming home.”
I held up my glass and he held up his.
“I’ll drink to that,” Cooper said.
And we did.
AFTER DINNER, WE SHARED dessert and talked for awhile. The effects of the wine wore off and by the time we were ready to leave, we were both totally sober. Despite my attempts to pay, Cooper covered dinner, which was really nice and unexpected, and then he walked me to my car.
“Where to?” He asked casually.
For a second, I wondered if he was going to invite me over. It was just a first date. It wasn’t something that should make me feel like I could fly, but that’s exactly how I was feeling. Suddenly, I wasn’t a 30-something woman on a first date with an attractive man.
Suddenly, I was 16 years old again, and Cooper Clark, the hottest guy at school, had his eyes on me.
I didn’t know what to say.
I didn’t know if I should say, “Come back to my place with me.”
I didn’t know if I should ask to come to his place.
Perhaps most of all, I didn’t know if I was ready. I hadn’t had sex with anyone since Jake and I broke up. I knew he’d moved on hard and fast and buried himself with women, but I hadn’t. I’d been cautious. Aside from making out with a couple of girls at a club shortly after the breakup, I’d flown solo. Nobody had caught my attention, male or female, but now...
Now there was Coop.
Did I want to have sex with Cooper?
Yes.
Absolutely.
One hundred percent.
Was my heart ready for that?
Cooper seemed to sense my confusion and my anxiety, because he stepped forward and reached for my cheek. He pushed my hair back and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. It was a tender gesture, one I hadn’t been expecting, and I looked up at him, surprised.
“Cordelia, this was incredible,” he whispered. “We don’t need to do anything else tonight. I can wait as long as we need to. I’m just happy I got to be with you tonight, and if it’s okay with you, I’d really love to see you again.”
“When?” I asked breathlessly. I wanted the same thing. I wanted to see him and talk to him and kiss him and play with him. I wanted to do so many things.
“At the carnival,” he said. “Come to the fairgrounds with me.”
“Won’t you be working?” I asked gently.
“You can be my date,” he laughed. “You can sit at the table with me and keep me company. After I’m done, I’ll buy you a funnel cake and win you a prize.”
“I have to admit, I’ve always wanted that.”
“Someone to win you a prize?”
“For you to win me one.”
“Tonight, I’m the winner,” he whispered.
I looked up at Cooper and then I reached for him. Nothing was going to be the same after tonight. Nothing. It never could be. After tonight, my entire world was changing, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Cooper kissed me. He brought his lips to mine and he started kissing me in a way I’d never been kissed before.
All of the people I’d been with in the past?
They were nothing compared to Cooper in this moment.
His hands were on my face and then in my hair and then sliding down my body to rest on my hips. He pulled me closer to himself, and I could feel exactly how much this moment was affecting him, too.
“Coop,” I groaned against his lips.
I didn’t say I love you.
I didn’t say take me home.
I just whispered his name and silently prayed that the moment would never end because I didn’t want it to. I wanted to be locked in this moment for all of eternity: just him and me. Just the two of us: forever and always.
Cooper kissed me until I felt like my heart was going to explode, and then he pulled away, cupping my face.
“Thank you for tonight,” he said.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “For dinner...for everything.”
“I’ll see you Friday night?” He asked hopefully, confirming our next date.
“Yeah,” I promised. “Friday.”
“Let me make sure you get in and drive off okay,” he said, gesturing to the car. “I don’t want to get back to my car and leave you to be kidnapped in the darkness.”
“I feel like stuff like that doesn’t really happen in Ashton,” I pointed out.
“Just in case,” he said.
It felt so different than anything I’d ever experienced before. It was so nice to have someone who truly cared about me, and who was willing to let me just be myself. Cooper acted like he really cared about me and my safety, and I appreciated that he watched as I got in my car and headed toward the house.
Ashton wasn’t a big place, so it only took me a few minutes to drive home. I listened to music on the way, and I ran through the date in my head. From my perspective, everything had gone really well. It had been perfect, actually. It had been wonderful.
And I was seeing him again on Friday.
The weekend was going to be incredible. Hannah was coming to the shop on Friday morning to help me bake. It was going to be her first time seeing the renovation. I wasn’
t going to let her come to the grand opening because of her chemotherapy. I wanted her to stay safe and not be around too many people, but it was going to be incredible. I already knew what we’d be baking.
I already had everything planned.
And then, later that night, I’d see him again. I’d see Cooper. I’d see him and meet up with him at the fair and I’d get the redo I’d been hoping for. I was getting a second chance. I wasn’t about to screw that up.
I was so caught up in my daydreaming that I didn’t notice the sound of sirens at first. It wasn’t until an ambulance turned onto the road ahead of me and then sped down it that I noticed. There weren’t many houses on my aunt and uncle’s street, but there were a few. The ambulance could have been going toward any of those houses, but somehow, something twisted in my gut, and I knew.
I just knew.
There are moments in your life where everything seems to slow down. Sometimes things seem to just come to a complete standstill. That was one of those moments. In that moment, I wasn’t the daughter or the niece or the baker.
I was the girl who was scared, and I was the girl who couldn’t drive fast enough.
When I finally reached the house, the ambulance was already parked in the driveway, and somehow, realization dawned on me.
I was too late.
I parked on the street and made my way to the front door in a daze, and even though people were talking to me as I made my way closer, and someone told me not to look, I had to see for myself.
I had to see what had happened.
8.
Cooper
THE DATE WITH CORDELIA had been perfect.
Nothing had been quite as wonderful as getting to sit down and share a meal with the girl who had captured my heart. She’d been perfect and sweet. She’d been sassy and goofy and she’d told me jokes that made me laugh harder than I’d laughed in years.
Most importantly, we’d already planned our next date. In my opinion, nothing said “perfect date” like planning your next get-together while you were already spending time together. It was always the times you waited and messaged the person later that you didn’t end up meeting up again. If you didn’t plan the next date while you were with the person, they didn’t feel passionately about you.
The fact that I’d invited her to the fair and she’d accepted had been incredible.
Plus, there had been the kiss.
I usually fucked on the first date.
Scratch that: I always, always fucked on the first date.
One hundred percent of dates I’d been on in the last five years had ended in sex. Sometimes it had been good, sometimes it had been sloppy, but it had always been fun. I loved sex. Loved it. There was nothing quite as wonderful as making your partner come alive beneath your hands. There was nothing as deeply wonderful as making them cry out your name while they were having an orgasm – one you’d provided to them.
With Cordelia, I had fully planned on inviting her back to the house after. I’d wanted it. I’d craved it. I could tell that if I invited her, she would have said yes, too.
I wasn’t quite sure why I didn’t invite her. Maybe I was scared. In many ways, it felt like we were getting a second chance to have something wonderful, and I didn’t want to screw it up. If things were going to work out between us – and I desperately wanted them to – then maybe I would play things a little differently this time.
Besides, Cordelia had looked scared.
She looked like she wasn’t sure what the right choice was, and if someone wasn’t completely, totally, absolutely sure they were read, I wasn’t about to force them. Everyone had this idea that sexual pressure ended after high school. People thought that once you were no longer a teenager, you wouldn’t feel like you had to put out in order to be loved and adored, but that wasn’t even remotely true.
I wasn’t going to be the guy who pushed her into that.
I was going to be the guy who showed her why I was worthy of her time.
The words I’d spoken to her had been true. I’d spoken from the heart. I could wait for her. I’d be here when she was ready, and then I’d make love to her like no one else ever had before. I wanted to make her fall apart for me, but she had a lot of other things she was dealing with. I didn’t want us being together to be something she would regret. She’d been badly before. I wasn’t going to do anything to give her any more pain.
I drove home that night after the date and I called James. I wasn’t really sure why, but I needed to talk to someone, and I needed it to be him. James was always someone I could count on.
He answered on the first call.
“Sup?”
“It’s me.”
“I know who it is, fucker,” James said. “I’ve got you as a contact. What is it?”
He wasn’t mad. He was laughing. For James, calling someone a fucker was a term of endearment, and I wasn’t at all offended by his language.
“I just got done with my date.”
Suddenly, I seemed to have his full attention.
“With Cordelia?”
“Yeah.”
“How did it go?”
“Perfectly.”
“Did you fuck?”
“No.”
Silence.
“You made out, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.”
He started laughing.
“Like a couple of teenagers. All right. Very well done, my man.”
“Thanks,” I said. “But I didn’t call to brag.”
“Then why did you call?”
“I had a good time,” I said.
“Good. That’s what a date is supposed to be like. It’s supposed to be fun and exciting.”
“It was more than that.”
“More than that?’
“Is it stupid to say that it seemed like we really had a connection?”
“A little.”
“We really had a connection.”
“Good,” he said.
“Good,” I repeated.
“When are you seeing her again?” That was the real indication as to whether a date had gone well or not. Luckily, the date had been a success in every way and we’d made plans for our next meeting.
“Friday,” I said. I grinned stupidly. I still couldn’t believe it. I felt like a damn kid again.
“Are you going to go by the shop tomorrow?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I don’t want to freak her out.” With Cordelia, I needed to be careful. I wanted to watch after her. She’d been hurt before – by me, by Larissa, by Jake – and I didn’t want to cause her any more pain than she’d already been through.
“Maybe you should,” he said. “She might like it.”
“I’m worried she’ll feel like I’m smothering her.” Especially after her bad breakup with Jake, the last thing I wanted was for Cordelia to think I wasn’t respecting her or giving her space.
“She’s braver than you give her credit for.”
“Maybe.”
“She’s stronger, too. She’s been through a lot, Coop.”
“I know she has. That’s why I’m...”
“Trying to take things slow?” He asked, filling in the blanks.
“Yeah.”
“You want my opinion?”
I laughed. I didn’t. Not really. Somehow, I figured James was going to offer his thoughts no matter what I said, though.
“Sure.”
“I think you’re scared.”
“That’s not a secret.”
“I think you want her more than anything you’ve ever wanted in your life.”
“Again, not a secret.”
“I think you need to chase after her hard and fast, brother. Don’t hold back.”
“Why’s that?”
“She got away once,” he said. “Don’t let it happen again.”
“It sounds like you’re speaking from experience,” I pointed out carefully. To my knowledge, my brother had never dated anyone, but he always seemed
to have such insight that I wondered what I was missing. Sometimes he seemed to know me better than I knew myself.
He definitely never missed anything big, like explaining why something was important. He always seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear.
“Maybe,” he said noncommittally.
James’ voice sounded casual. Too casual. There was something I didn’t know about my brother’s sudden insight into the world of dating.
“Are you dating someone?”
“Yes.”
I was surprised that he answered me so quickly and so honestly. He had someone to love. Good. He deserved happiness. James had always been wildly private. I decided to push my luck while my brother was in a talking mood, and I asked another question.
“James?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you gay?”
I could almost hear my brother smiling. Again, there was no hesitation.
“Also yes.”
“Are you happy?”
A chuckle.
“Unbelievably so,” he said.
“Do I get to meet him?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Come by the house on Sunday,” he said.
“Dad knows?”
“He knows.”
“I love you, little brother.”
“I love you, too.”
And then, I needed to tell him one more thing.
“And James?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m proud of you.”
“I’m proud of you, too, Coop.”
We ended the call and I drove back to my house. So my brother was going back to school, he was in love, and he was gay. I had a lot to take in this week. It was easy to think that there were a lot of changes, but there weren’t. There were only changes for me. James knew who he was and who he loved, and chances were that he’d known for a long time. That was always the problem with “coming out” to other people: they were the ones who had to deal with something being different. To you, you were the same person you’d been every other day of your life.
I had suspected James might be gay, but I never wanted to pressure him into telling me. I figured that he’d tell me when the time was right. He’d tell me when he was ready for me to know. He hadn’t been ready before.
