by P. S. Wright
educated these days.” The preacherman shot a glance over Missy’s way so she’d know to keep it zipped. “They read books all the way from Black and White and Mistress Why’s Hall and that new printing press of Uncle Whatchamacallit’s. Let me tell you, we are not the ignorant peasants of your parents’ day.”
“Cause most of them are dead, since they would have been about two hundred by now.” I nodded at the preacherman so he’d know I was in his corner. For some reason, he didn’t seem to appreciate it.
“Ah. So that is it then. I suppose we have been here a bit long. It was about time. It was just so comfortable. The wife and I really enjoyed the countryside here, not all mountainous like the old country, or dry and rocky like the promised lands. Ah well, all good things must end.” The old master shrugged.
His wife came in then, yawning like maybe she just got woke up and was trying to hint maybe we ought to come back at a more decent time. “What is this, Yari, you did not tell me we had guests. Have we been introduced?”
The old man waved at us like we was a painting on the wall or something. “They are the rabble in arms we have been expecting.”
“Oh my, I’m not dressed for being ridden out on a rail. I’ve only my housedress on. I’ll have to change. And my hair is a mess. Mustn’t let the rabble see me looking unkempt.”
“Now, now, lovee. You are as beautiful as the day I married you.”
“And your eyes are as keen as they were when you were twenty!” His wife cooed.
Preacherman thought it was time to get on with things as the day weren’t getting any earlier. “Listen, the townsfolk are right outside, on your very doorstep even. They are keen to have you out this day. By God, I intend to see you gone and your evil shadow with you. You have been a curse and a bane on this land for too long!”
“Yes, yes, of course. We shan’t keep your rabble. We will just have to pack a bag or too.” The master tried to sooth the preacherman, who really weren’t liking the civil way this was all going.
His wife exclaimed, “How smart you were to plan ahead! I’m so glad we picked up that little place the other side of Bernard’s Mountain. The Sonorous Valley is beautiful in the spring. I hope I have room in my little bag for all my jewelry. Perhaps I could give a few things away. I’ve been meaning to clean out my closet.” She looked over at Missy. “What size are you my dear?”
While Missy and the old vampiress went to pack up her stuff and pick out items to donate to the church and a few for Missy, the old man trotted off to fetch his own traveling things. The preacherman huffed and puffed at old lady Dankslice, but she weren’t having it. “I’ll be out a job then, thanks to the lot of you. Don’t suppose I’ll be able to find employment in that little cow patty of a town. I’ll be moving in with my granddaughter and all those kids of hers. Hope you’re satisfied. What did they ever do to you?
It were my job to get the coach. I were the groomsman like my daddy before me and I knew my place. I went to fetch it and make sure the horses were well prepared for the long trip. I wished I could have gone with them. But it weren’t my place and that was that. They had them a coachman and a footman of course. Them young pretty laddies was always looking for a servant job up at the castle. The missus was partial to the skinny pale type you see in the drawings of princes from foreign parts. That could explain why most of the ladies in town was married to ugly duckies like myself. So it all worked out in part.
A few of the lassies from the village had showed up when they heard they was departing for foreign parts. They’d gone and powdered their cheeks and rouged up so they looked like painted whores what they have in Black and White. But the master weren’t looking to take along too many this day. They all cried and waved their hankies, their tears leaving runny spots on their powdery cheeks. Fact was, most of the village, and folks from some of the outlaying areas, had gathered in the courtyard and was spilling around the back. Everyone waved and cheered when the oldsters drove past in their livery coach like it was coronation day. The missus leaned out the window and waved a lacy hanky back at them. “Oh goodbye, my people. Goodbye. Do write to us. Farewell.”
“Oh I shall miss them so much!” Missus Bee Twitwell sighed and sliced into the last meringue pie.
All around folks was celebrating and conversating like it was Sunday Bible Thumping Camp Revival week. Someone had set up a stripy tent for the lemonade and iced tea. A bunch of kids was swimming in the ditch what was supposed to be a moat but was really just part of the Leakwood Creek runoff. A whole party of diners was tromping through the vegetable garden and like to annoy the gardener when he lay eyes on it. As the party grew and the sun bedded down for the night, the revelries moved into the castle proper. Old lady Dankslice would have had a fit if she’d seen what they was doing on her carpets. But she had left already with the cook and the maids who all had families to look after and no time for such goings on. Weren’t long before someone decided to tear down the family portraits. After that, folks was nicking everything in sight and breaking what they couldn’t steal. I aint never had a hankering for fancy things and never thought to take what weren’t mine proper, but it seemed like that was what you was supposed to do when you rise up against the tyranny of oppression and whatnot. So I went looking for something to nab for myself and found the pewter service had already gone. I found a lovely silver soup tureen but Shanksley got to the ladle before me.
The next morning it was left to me and the regulars at the castle to pick up from it all. Oh it was a lovely mess too. We found two pairs of ladies’ bloomers floating in the moat and no sign of the owners at all. The vegetable garden was trampled under. All through the castle, carpets was muddy and floors was scuffed and food smeared here and about like plates hadn’t never been invented. I were in for the biggest surprise when I went to check on the animals and discovered Missy Silverspooner in the hayrack. But it was a revolution. Things happen like that, I suppose.
The gardener was having three kinds of fits and old lady Dankslice hadn’t even bothered coming back in the morning. Twas up to the remaining ones to put things right. We were at it for a week and then some, so it was to be understood we didn’t know what all of things going on in the village. Come the following Sunday, we thought it best to be at the church, see as we had missed the previous sermon. So that was how and when we learned of the circumstances that had the village up in a twist. Twotaters was going on how the young laddies wouldn’t come to work and was demanding more money for the same old work. “I can’t haul to the Black and White Village all of my own. I got near a month of lavender soap sitting in the shed and can’t get it to market. What’s a man going to do with a month of lavender soap, eh? It’s got to get to market.”
Shanksley pointed out the lads was only demanding what was fair. “The roads aint safe no more. The forest aint protected as it was. Robbers and bandits and nefarious types are looking to waylay the unwary. We got to hire on protection, and that costs more than lavender soap.”
Hankerschlaub grunted and put in, “The bank had to pay back half our lenders, but aint nobody putting back in. The folks from the outlying don’t trust us to keep their money safe and the bigger villages think we have fallen back into backward ways. They’re all in a panic and I’m going grey trying to keep everyone from calling in their markers and running away.”
“Too late for that.” Put in Shanksley, with his smart mouth.
“What’ll I make loans to the farmers with this spring? There’ll be no planting this season without seed money is what.” Hankerschlaub shook his finger at Shanksley.
Missus Bogley blew her nose in her hanky and stood up. “The ladies’ auxiliary has had to cancel the tour of the castle and the full moon dance due to the recent unpleasantness.”
Missus Peabody wailed. “My poor kitty! He’s gone, gone. He’ll be eat by wild animals. He’s just a baby.”
Missus Peabody’s cat was as large as a goat and fat as a piglet, but none wanted to tell her that. Instead, the preacherman cal
led everyone to say a prayer for the poor lost animal. Then he told the ladies to lead us in a couple of hymns to lighten the mood. As they finished up, “Oh, Death” someone called out, “This weren’t a problem before they packed up and abandoned us!”
“That’s right! They left us in our hour of need. How could they have been so shortsighted?”
“Shortsighted nothing, they knew it was coming to this and got out while they could. Picked our bones clean and then ran off when we needed them most.”
Missy Silverspooner said, “I aint giving back the chiffon robe the missus gave me.”
There was quite a commotion then, with everybody giving their opinion and complaining about the state we had found ourselves in. Finally the preacherman shouted for quiet. “It is agreed then, we must have our royalty back. But not them. We need to find new royalty, someone who can guard the forest and negotiate with our creditors and guarantee our loans and maintain the castle but who won’t ask for taxes in return.”
“Or outlaw garlic.” Bogley put in. “Garlic bread shouldn’t be illegal nowhere.”
“Right, they have to be all those other things and not anti-garlic. Now the question is, who is to go and fetch us some proper royalty?”
It’s
