by Harper Logan
Adrian nodded. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes, I felt like I had more of a purpose there. I was doing something. Sure as hell don’t know if it was making a difference, but it was something.”
“My little girl is my purpose now,” Chandler said. “But I guess I felt some kind of belonging there. Shit, I don’t know.”
“You know what I really miss?”
“Hm?”
“The simplicity of it. All there was to worry about was making it through the day. No bills, no shopping, no chores. All I had was my wits and… the men at my back.” When he said this, he squeezed Chandler’s forearm. “I had you, every day.”
Chandler turned his head and kissed him. “Yeah,” he said.
“Tell me about April. What’s she like? I still can’t believe you’ve got a kid, man.”
“She’s wonderful. She’s goddamn fantastic. Bright as hell, way smarter than me, that’s for sure.”
“That’s to be expected.” Adrian grinned.
“Fuck you,” Chandler laughed. His expression went serious, and he was quiet for a moment. “A kid as smart as she’s turning out to be ought to be raised somewhere better than a bumfuck town like this. Her going to the school that I went to when I was a kid…” He shook his head sadly.
“So what are you gonna do?”
Chandler laughed again, though this time it sounded worn. “What do you think? I can’t do shit. Ain’t nothing I can do to get out of a place like this. No skills, no education to speak of.”
“That’s bullshit,” Adrian said. “Put a wrench in your hand and you can fix up any engine put in front of you. You were working at a garage, right? Why are you wasting your time polishing dishes in a fucking titty bar?”
“I don’t know if you noticed, but there’s not much going on in this town. There’s only three garages here; one fired me, and the others ain’t hiring.”
“I seem to recall you telling me some grand plan about starting your own shop.”
“Yeah, well… Like I said. Not much business here as it is. Plus, I can’t take risks like that with my little girl. Not like I even have the money in my pocket to do something like that in the first place. Julia chewed through the savings we did have. What about you? The way I saw it, you could’ve gone and worked on some high-class machinery. Race cars, or something. You were a fuckin’ magician in the shop.”
“Hey, don’t make this about me,” Adrian said. He wanted to keep the focus on Chandler, not just because the guy was seriously letting his skills waste away in the back of a strip club, but because Chandler was right. He probably could’ve gotten himself into some high-level work. Even engineering, with the education. He’d always been a whiz with both the wrench and with numbers, but now the only engine he worked on was the one inside his semi.
“What are you doing driving a truck?” Chandler asked.
Adrian sighed and shrugged. “Guess I just felt empty after getting out of the army. Didn’t want to stick around to one place. Trucking seemed like the best option.”
“You could’ve went out of state for school,” Chandler suggested. “Gotten yourself a degree.”
“I wasn’t gonna get a fuckin’ degree,” Adrian grumbled darkly. “I could hardly make sense of myself, getting home. Nothing seemed the same.”
“So you’re just going to do that for the rest of your life, huh?”
“It pays the bills. I can help my mom out. It works for now. I’ll figure later out later.”
The truth was that whenever Adrian tried to picture his future, nothing good seemed to lie there. He felt directionless. Lost. As long as he kept driving, maybe he’d be able to outrun any of the shitty outcomes he saw as inevitabilities for an uneducated, tired and apathetic veteran.
“This ain’t the kind of talk we should be having,” Chandler said. “Less of that, and more of this.” He turned around and pressed his face into Adrian’s neck and kissed him there. Adrian shivered at the feeling of Chandler’s stubble tickling his skin. He held his arms around him and hugged him tight. His body felt so comforting, and a completely different way to any of the women that he’d been with. They’d been a method of release, while Chandler was… more. So much more.
How could he feel this way about another man?
It was a question that he’d asked himself so often during their time together in the army. He’d never felt so strongly about any other man, before or since. An answer never presented itself. All he knew was that what he and Chandler had was special. And apparently, time had not dulled it in the slightest.
They made love twice more and spent the rest of the day lounging around naked in bed together before Chandler had to pick up April from day care. Adrian rode along, and the wind whipped at his hair as he gazed out the window of Chandler’s pickup. His heart was filled with a familiar but long forgotten ache as he pined for an impossible future.
Maybe coming here had been a bad idea after all. He should’ve known this would happen. Or maybe he had, and had chosen to ignore the obvious.
Now it was too late.
5
At the day care center, Chandler was greeted by a running bundle of squealing excitement. April toddled over as fast as her little legs would carry her, leapt up and hugged her father around the legs. Adrian stood to the side by the entrance of the day care and watched, unable to keep a smile off his face.
“Daddy!”
“Hey, princess. Did you have a good day?”
“Mrs. Gaut gave me a book,” April said, holding up the small book with thick, cardboard pages. “It’s about a kitty.”
“That was nice of her. Did you say thank you?”
April nodded.
“It’s a present from me,” Mrs. Gaut said with a smile. “She’s definitely got a gift, Mr. Longman. Keep encouraging her to read.”
“Doing my best,” he said. “Thanks.” With April still latched onto his leg, Chandler hobbled on over to Adrian. “Honey, I want to introduce you to someone. Remember I told you about how Daddy used to fight in the army?”
“Uh-huh.”
“This is Adrian Stokes. He was with me in the army. He’s a very good friend of Daddy’s.”
“Hi there, April,” Adrian said, crouching down. “It’s very nice to meet you.”
April suddenly became very shy, and hid behind her father’s leg. Chandler laughed.
“What’re you doing back there? C’mon, honey. She’s not usually shy.”
Adrian only smiled. He was immediately charmed by the little girl who bore such a striking resemblance to her father. They shared the same eyes.
“That’s okay,” he said.
“Adrian is going to be our guest for dinner tonight,” Chandler told April, and she seemed to perk up a bit at this. “Will you be a good host?”
She nodded. “Uh-huh.”
“She loves hosting guests,” Chandler said. “I hope you’re ready to be a part of one of her tea parties.”
“I’m a big fan of tea parties,” Adrian said, and April smiled and started to bounce up and down, still holding on to the leg of Chandler’s jeans with one tiny fist.
During the drive home, April carefully read out loud the book that Mrs. Gaut had given her.
“You thought about preschool?” Adrian asked, and Chandler snorted in response.
“Look at this town. Ain’t got no preschool.”
Adrian could see that the topic was a sore one, and didn’t pursue it any further. Back at the apartment, Chandler pulled out hamburger patties from the freezer and set to grilling them on the stove top. Adrian sipped on a beer and watched April play with a set of jumbo blocks on the living room floor. She turned to him and held out a red block.
“This is your tea,” she said, matter of factly.
“Oh, well that’s very kind of you. Thank you.” He raised the block in a “cheers” salute and pretended to sip on it.
“Don’t be silly!” she said, and patted his knee with her palm. “I haven’t poured the
tea yet.”
“I was wondering why it tasted so bland!” Adrian said, and he heard Chandler chuckle from the kitchen. He held the block out and April pretended to pour into it.
“There. Now I’ll pour mine.” She did the same for her own block. “Now there’s tea.”
“Cheers,” Adrian said, and tapped his block against hers.
Afterwards, April took Adrian by the hand and brought her into her room. “You be April, and I’ll be the mommy,” she said. “I’ll read you a story.”
“Alright,” Adrian said, laughing.
He sat on the floor by her bed, holding onto a stuffed cat that she gave him. She brought out the book she’d received that day, and read it out loud with animated enthusiasm. Adrian was so taken with how much the little girl resembled her father.
Chandler’s daughter. He still could hardly believe it, but here she was. What really warmed his heart was that it was obvious how loving a father Chandler was. For a man whose manner of expressing emotions had always been clipped, it was a surprise to see this other side of him. It occurred to Adrian that over the past five years, Chandler had changed while he had remained the same. Forever wandering, forever lost. Waiting for something that would never come.
“The end,” April said, shutting the book.
“That was a good story,” said Adrian. “Do you like to read, April?”
She nodded. “Now pick a new book to read.” She brought over a small box, and inside were several small picture books.
“Have you read all of these?” he asked.
“Yes. Daddy reads them to me, too. This is my favorite.” She took out a book titled Goodnight, Monkey and handed it to Adrian. “I’ll be April, and you be the mommy now,” she instructed.
Adrian laughed. “Okay. Would you like me to read the story?”
“Yes.”
He opened the book and started to read, but April stopped him. “You have to tuck me in first! Pretend to.”
“Okay.”
She curled up on her bed, and Adrian pretended to pull the covers over her.
“Good?” he asked, and she nodded. “Alright.”
He read the book to her, and occasionally she’d stop him to tell him the proper way to read the single sentences on the thick, cardboard pages, saying “this is how Daddy reads it.” In the middle of the story, Adrian looked up to see Chandler standing in the doorframe of the bedroom, his hands slung into his pockets and a smile curled on his lips.
“Burgers are done,” he said. “C’mon, guys. Let’s get our grub on.”
“Adrian was reading to me,” April protested.
“We can finish later,” Adrian said, standing up. “I’m starving, and those burgers smell amazing.”
“C’mon, honey,” Chandler said. “Git.”
April stood up, and to Adrian’s surprise, grabbed his hand and led him out to the dining room. He exchanged a glance with Chandler, who tilted his head and smiled with a look that said, “ain’t that something.”
They ate and swapped funny stories about their jobs. April munched on her burger, which Chandler had cut up into pieces for her, listening and watching the two of them as they laughed. Seeing her father in such a happy mood put her in a good mood too, and she ate everything up without any complaints.
After dinner, Chandler went to get April ready for bed. Adrian opened another beer and sat in the living room to watch a college football game on the TV. He’d never cared much for football until he’d met Chandler, who was a big fan. Beasley University was playing, and he thought about home and Mom. He would need to go back soon, and probably for the best. This little visit was never meant to mean anything, but things were quickly getting out of control and the longer he stuck around the worse it was going to get.
He got up off the couch and walked into the partitioned area that Chandler used as a room. The man didn’t deserve to be living like this, to be struggling and raising his little girl on his own. It was plain to see that Chandler had been beaten down since coming home. The stress of readjusting to civilian life, his failed marriage, the lack of options in this dead-end town. Adrian knew Chandler’s potential. He knew how capable he was, so it hurt to see him in this situation.
But hell. It wasn’t like he was doing any better.
He sat on the end of the bed, and a little shiver of excitement ran through his body. The things they’d done together here earlier today and the night before. He’d dreamed about being with Chandler again, but never believed it would actually happen. He picked up the pillow and pressed it to his nose, breathing in the warm scent that clung to the fabric. God, he wished he could be surrounded by that amazing smell all the time. He laid down onto the sheets, caressing them with his palms. What they did today might very well have been the last time.
A book on the shelf against the wall caught his eye. He hadn’t seen it before, but why should he have? He’d been preoccupied with much more urgent things. He got up and pulled the book out. It was a paperback copy of Rainbow Six, by Tom Clancy—the same copy that Chandler had with him in Iraq. Adrian smiled. Touching the book’s creased and well-worn cover, he remembered how Chandler had told him that he wasn’t a reader, but he liked this book.
He opened the book, and a photograph slipped out from behind the front cover and fell to the floor. He picked it up, turned it over, and felt his heart somersault in his chest. It was a photo of the two of them, shirtless with cigarettes hanging from their lips and dog tags around their necks, their arms slung around each other’s shoulders as they gripped their rifles across their chests. They were grinning in the photo, and now he was grinning again too. He remembered exactly when this was taken, the day before they hopped on a plane bound for home. It was the day after they’d spent their last night together.
He gently touched the glossy surface of the paper where Chandler’s face was as more memories came back to him.
“Hey,” came Chandler’s voice from behind him. Adrian turned around. Chandler was standing in the doorway to April’s room, and he saw the book and photograph in Adrian’s hand. “What you got there?”
“Sorry to snoop,” Adrian said. “I remember this book. You must’ve read it a hundred times, or more.” He slid the photo back behind the cover of Rainbow Six, and then returned the book to the shelf.
“I reckon it’s the only damn book I’ve ever read,” Chandler admitted with a laugh. “Speaking of reading, the princess has requested we both read her a bedtime story.”
“Both?”
“Yeah, c’mon.”
Adrian joined Chandler in the bedroom where April was sitting on the bed in her PJs, talking quietly to a well-worn stuffed cat.
“Alright, soldier,” Chandler said, “get those feet under those sheets.” He picked April up by her armpits and lifted her up in the air, sending her into a fit of giggles. Then he slowly lowered her down into the bed as he made a whistling noise with his lips. “Boom!” He tugged the sheets up to her chin, and she hugged the stuffed cat close. “So, what are we reading tonight?”
“Mr. Cat and the Red Balloon,” she said. “The new book.”
The two of them pulled up chairs, and they took turns reading the book aloud until April’s eyelids were drooping. Chandler kissed his daughter on the forehead. “I love you,” he said.
“Love you, Daddy,” she murmured, and shut her eyes.
He left April’s nightlight on, a glowing blue crescent moon that cast little star shaped light silhouettes across the ceiling, and shut the door.
“She’s a sweet little girl,” Adrian said. “She’s definitely very bright.”
“Like the goddamn sun,” Chandler agreed. He retrieved two bottles of beer from the fridge and handed one to Adrian. They sat down on the couch, at first with a bit of distance between them, like they were both uncertain if they should get close. After a few seconds, the gap disappeared and they were cuddled up to each other, with Adrian’s arm draped around Chandler’s shoulder.
“We looked g
ood there, didn’t we?” Chandler said, nodding towards the shelf with Rainbow Six on it, and the photograph tucked away inside. “Happy to finally be going home from that shithole.”
“It wasn’t all shitty.”
“No,” agreed Chandler as he pressed himself a little closer to Adrian, who smiled and planted a small kiss into his hair. After a moment’s thought, Chandler said, “I used to feel like life was going somewhere, back then. Like, the future was full of possibilities. I thought I was going to be someone great.”
Adrian felt the same way. Since coming home, it felt like nothing really mattered anymore. What happened to all that fire?
