“I’m sorry I left you,” she said gently, the truth flowing from her heart and through her lips without filter. The moment was too precious to ruin with veils and lies. Something had changed for her today, and she knew instinctually that this was the moment all the others had been leading to since that night. It was time to set Lucas free from any of the weight she’d unintentionally left on him when she’d walked away. “I ran away for a thousand really good reasons, but I should have handled our goodbye better.”
Lucas pulled back, eyes tight with emotion. “You did what you needed to do. I never blamed or judged you for that. Not for a minute.”
A smile tugged Gwen’s trembling lips. “I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I loved you, and I owed you a proper goodbye.”
His frown deepened. “Gwen, you’ve never owed me anything.”
“I do.” She worked to press back the painful lump in her throat. There was one more thing that needed to be said before she changed her mind. “I let a monster change me, but I didn’t mean to let him change you, too.”
Lucas shook his head slowly. “He didn’t change me.”
“No? So, you like being a Special Victims Unit detective?” she asked. “Dealing with this kind of brutality and horror every day. A constant reminder of what you went through?”
He turned stormy eyes on her without answering.
“You were going to be a great architect,” she said, grieving the future he’d lost. “You had more brains and talent than anyone else in your class. And you gave that up. I think joining the force was noble, but this was never your dream.”
“You were my dream,” he said flatly. “You.”
“But I was gone. And you quit school.”
Lucas ground his teeth, eyes flooded with barely contained emotion. Anger, heartbreak and regret among others she couldn’t name. “I didn’t need my master’s degree to join the force.”
“You were never supposed to join the force.”
“And I didn’t quit school, I flunked out.”
“What?” She pulled her chin back, stunned. “How?”
“I might’ve been a grad student at Bellemont, but I spent all my time looking for the man who hurt you. I looked for clues on my own, interviewing students and tracking leads. I blanketed the campus with flyers in search of anything that could further the case. My grades were in the trash by the end of the first semester. That was when I realized I didn’t want to be an architect anymore. And what I really needed to find the man who hurt you was access to everything the police knew so far. There was only one way to do that. So, I joined the force. Not that it’s gotten me any closer to my goal.”
“Are you happy?” she asked. “As a detective?” That was the bottom line, she supposed. Even if she couldn’t understand finding joy in being surrounded by people living her nightmare, if Lucas somehow could, then that was all that mattered.
“Yeah,” he answered easily, and with a small laugh. “I am.” He turned those intense blue eyes on her with a smile. “I like making a difference. I like seeing criminals punished, and I like seeing victims get the justice they deserve. When I get to be part of that delivery, all the better. I might’ve come to law enforcement by way of the unthinkable, but I’ve stayed for me. For them.” He shrugged. “Sitting where I am today, I’m not sure I’d be happy as an architect. So, no, that psychopath didn’t change me, but he will regret he ever crossed me.”
The words hit her like a punch to the chest. If Lucas hadn’t changed, then she’d never really known him. He wasn’t an alpha-male, gun-wielding lawman. He was a peacekeeper who loved numbers and old buildings. Wasn’t he?
“What?” he asked. “Tell me what you’re thinking. You look unhappy, and I don’t know why. Was it something I said?”
“No. Not at all. I’m glad you’re happy, and that you’re being honest. I guess I’m just wondering how well I ever knew you.” She glanced away, around the beautiful old room in a historic house he was renovating on a cop’s salary and in his spare time. “You still love architecture.”
“I still love a lot of things.” He shifted on the bed to face her. “I’m the same man I’ve always been. I changed career paths, that’s all, and our careers don’t define us.”
“Then why aren’t you married?” she asked, cheeks heating with fatigue and frustration at her unintentional candor. “You date, but you haven’t settled down. That’s a big change from what I thought I knew. I always thought you wanted a wife and family. Carpool and Little League.”
“I still do, and I don’t date,” he said, brows furrowed in confusion. “Why’d you say that?”
She frowned back at him, sorry to have pressed into his personal business, and certain she’d hate whatever he said next. “I heard the guys at the station talking while I was waiting to see you. They said you had flavors of the week.” She huffed a sigh. “Don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter, and those guys weren’t talking to me. I’m just cranky and tired. I should sleep.” She punched the pillow at her side, leaning slightly forward with a wince to adjust them before she lay back.
Lucas pushed onto his feet, giving her room for the silent tantrum. “I lie to the guys about my dating life so I can be alone,” he said. “I don’t want to hang out with them after work because I have a ton to do here. I don’t want to argue with them or offend them, so I tell them I have dates.”
“But you don’t?”
“Not in a long time, and it never felt quite right when I did.” He gripped the back of his neck as he walked toward the door. “Truth is that there was only ever one woman for me. If I couldn’t be with her, then what was the point?” He paused in the doorway. “I hope you’re able to get some rest.” He flipped out the light and walked away.
* * *
LUCAS HEADED FOR his home office. He needed to check in at work. As suspected, Detective Anderson had already spoken with his superior, so Lucas had the pleasure of rehashing the awful day one more time. Thankfully, protocols aside, his supervisor had his back.
He disconnected the call feeling only slightly better than he had before making it. His neck and shoulder muscles were pinched and achy, his limbs and mind heavy with fatigue. Lucas was drained. Emotionally, physically and mentally. He needed a decent night’s sleep and a fresh start tomorrow, when his head was clear and he wasn’t saying whatever came to mind. He cringed internally at the memory of telling Gwen he didn’t date, and that she was the only woman he’d ever wanted.
He listened to a long line of voice mail updates on his current caseload, then forced himself through some paperwork online. He didn’t hear from Gwen again, and by the time the clock struck midnight, he was ready to call it a night.
Lucas locked the house down before setting his alarm and checking in on Gwen once more. She looked peaceful and perfect cuddled under his comforter, warmed by his fire. Maybe it was the influence of exhaustion on his clarity or the emotional impact of seeing her in a madman’s clutches, but Lucas was certain losing her again, when this was over, would be more than his heart could bear.
Chapter Twelve
Gwen woke with a headache, likely from the goose egg on her forehead, dehydration and the knowledge that she’d said some overly revealing things to Lucas the night before. She scooted upright and winced at the pain in her side. Memories of the previous day’s near-abduction raced back, images from the nightmare that had kept her stirring through the night.
She took inventory of her many aches and pains, then downed a pair of aspirins along with the glass of water on the nightstand. The house was silent outside her room, and she panicked, momentarily, afraid Lucas had left her alone. She pulled the covers higher under her arms, then dialed Lucas, hoping that if he had gone, he would be back soon.
The ring of her call echoed through the receiver of her phone, as well as in the hall outside her door.
Lucas appeared a moment later,
wide awake and dressed for the day. His faded jeans hung low on his hips. A worn gray T-shirt peeked from beneath an unbuttoned flannel. The blue plaid pattern emphasized his brilliant eyes and the way he’d rolled the sleeves to his elbows highlighted the ropes of muscle along his forearm.
Gwen disconnected and forced her mouth shut.
“You’re up?” he asked, rhetorically, slipping his cell phone into his jeans pocket. “How did you sleep?”
“Okay,” she said. “All things considered.”
“Restless?” he guessed, leaning against the jamb. The shift in position opened the flannel further, revealing the way his T-shirt stretched to accommodate his broad chest.
“Yeah. You?”
He shrugged, then crossed his arms. “How’s your side? And your head? Are you in pain?”
“I’ve been through worse,” she said wryly, hating how much that was true. “I’ve been thinking.”
“Uh oh.”
“Funny.” She narrowed her eyes. “Do you need to go in to work today, or do you have time for a field trip? Something local this time, so Detective Anderson can’t complain.”
Lucas cocked his head and watched her carefully before nodding. “I talked to my sergeant last night. Filled him in on what’s happening, and he assigned me to your case. It’s officially reopened, and I can work in the field, checking in periodically.”
Gwen’s heart skipped, both at the idea of spending more uninterrupted time with Lucas, and at the idea her case was reopened. It had been closed when they’d had nothing more to go on. Opening the case meant there was new hope. Something she’d been without for far too long. “So, you’re in for the field trip?”
He nodded.
“You didn’t ask what I have in mind.” She frowned. “I’ve been laying here for the last hour going over all your possible complaints and making watertight arguments against them.”
Lucas let his arms fall to his sides, and a grin tugged lazily at his lips. “We can argue first, if you want, but since you’re going to win anyway, I guess I’ll just do what you say.”
Her smile widened. “A lady could get used to that.”
Ninety minutes later, Gwen climbed down from the cab of Lucas’s truck and surveyed the college campus she’d once loved dearly. The aspirin, combined with a generous amount of water at breakfast, had taken the edge off, and she was ready to start at the beginning. At Bellemont.
“Ready?” he asked, eyes narrowed in scrutiny. Clearly, Lucas had reservations about her idea to retrace her freshman and sophomore year tracks, or as many tracks as she could remember anyway. It seemed logical that being back on campus would help her recall her early routines.
“Ready.” She forced her shoulders back, certain he could see through her thinly veiled bravado, but determined to be strong. “We should head for the student center. My dorm was down that way, along with most of my classes. And we’ll pass the computer lab on the way. We can make a loop, concentrate on the places I frequented. And visit the crime scene before we go.”
“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Lucas protested.
“It is,” she assured him, then with a hard internal shove, she forced her feet to move.
Lucas fell into step at her side, tense and overly concerned, his two most common moods these days. He’d tugged on a knit beanie and pulled a black motorcycle jacket over his flannel. Between the ensemble and the scowl, he looked more like trouble than the law.
She’d settled for a jean jacket over her favorite cream turtleneck layered with a comfy tank top, jeans and brown leather boots. Her cream mittens and hat were speckled with gold, and her wild red curls lifted like a halo around her face with each fresh gust of wind.
They walked silently through the brisk day, past multiple parking lots, through common areas with meandering students, and around a group of prospective freshmen receiving a campus tour.
Sounds of the school’s marching band rose into the day, punctuated by a cheering crowd and the mumbling of an emcee over the stadium speakers.
“Sounds like a pep rally,” Lucas said, staring into the distance as the fight song blared.
Scents of hot dogs and popcorn peppered the air beside the ashy aroma of a bonfire. Was it even fall in Kentucky if no one had a bonfire?
“Spirit week,” Gwen said. “I used to love these days.” There was something about the camaraderie they provoked. The staff and student body came together with alumni to celebrate everything Bellemont. People were happy. The air was electric with anticipation of all that was to come.
Today was no different, and the nostalgia was palpable. It took immense self-control not to reach for Lucas’s hand as they walked the familiar paths.
“Still doing okay?” he asked, slowing his pace when fear came bubbling back in her.
“Yeah.” She nodded, then pushed her feet forward once more, refocused on the memories she needed, and forcing out those she didn’t. “Let’s make the library and computer lab a priority today, then the student center. I had most of my meals there freshman and sophomore year.”
She rolled her shoulders back and forced her chin up. It was her idea to be here, and Lucas was letting her lead the charge. The least she could do was try not to look as apprehensive as she felt. She’d managed to lever her reluctant self from the truck, and get this far. There was no turning back now. It was time to explore and remember.
Lucas cleared his throat as they turned up the next path. “I was thinking about the fact that you were being followed for two years before we knew it.” He shot a sideways look in her direction, then forced his hands into his pockets. “Then you were attacked on the weekend of our engagement. The night you went out with friends to celebrate.”
Her steps faltered, and flashes of the attack rushed back to her. Angry hands in her hair. Cold eyes behind a black balaclava. A blow to her chest. Searing pain in her side.
“Hey,” a man’s voice called.
Gwen snapped back to the present, a sheen of sweat on her temple and brow.
The man nodded as he approached, pumping a fist in the air.
Lucas lifted a fist in reciprocation as they passed on the wide stone path.
Gwen angled to watch the group as they disappeared into the crowd behind them. “Who was that?”
“I have no idea,” Lucas said with a laugh. “Other alumni, I’d guess.”
She chuckled with him. That sounded right. “We’re all friends now. At least for another two or three days.”
There were people everywhere, plenty who were unfamiliar and others who weren’t. Gwen had already spotted a former teacher and one or two classmates in the crowd. Everyone looked the same, if a little heavier and most with shorter hair.
Hope mixed with dread in her gut at the thought of seeing any of her friends while she was at Bellemont. She didn’t want their pitying looks or to entertain polite but meaningless conversation. Gwen was on a mission. “Computer lab,” she said, pointing to the next building on their right.
Lucas held the door for her as she slipped inside. The scent of burnt coffee assaulted her senses as she climbed the steps to the second floor. Balloon bouquets stood cheerfully outside key rooms, set up for guests and visitors.
She tugged off her mittens and stowed them in her pockets as they made their way down the hall.
The computer lab door had a “Welcome” sign.
Gwen peeked around the corner before taking a tentative step across the threshold. An empty room spread out before them, and a ripple of memories rushed through her. Same tables and chairs. Same whiteboards and motivational posters. She trailed her fingertips across the cool surfaces, feeling an unexpected smile grow. “I spent so much time here those first two years. I didn’t understand the engineering software at all, among other things, and I still have a love-hate relationship with databases.” She gave a soft laugh.
“No.” Gwen completed her circle through the room, feeling lighter than she had since she’d first stepped onto campus. “We can come back.”
He swung an arm wide, and she met him at the doorway.
Her long-guarded heart began to beat harder as he set a palm against her back. Being there with Lucas, old memories colliding with new ones and the tender way he still looked at her was almost too much. And she wondered again what life would have been like if she hadn’t run away. If she’d come back to him instead of setting up some facsimile of a life, alone, in the next town. She’d fallen asleep thinking of the way he’d said his dreams never changed, and that there was only ever one woman for him.
If that was all true, when this was finally over, was there a chance he’d ask her to stay? Could he still want her, broken pieces and all? Was it fair to hope he would?
* * *
LUCAS KEPT ONE eye on Gwen as they moved through knots and clusters of people along the walkways outside. She’d done well so far. Put on a brave face at first, then seemed genuinely at ease in more familiar spaces.
The path curved and forked ahead of them, part branching off to form a loop around the massive grounds while the rest continued on, through the center of it all. Gwen had been attacked, then discovered, on the perimeter loop.
All while Lucas was fast asleep.
SVU Surveillance Page 9
