by Robin Leaf
“I promise, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.” Taking the risk, I turn around. Seeing how the look on her face has transformed from smoldering to hopeful, I can’t help but smile.
“Really?” she asks, bouncing on her toes.
“Yeah, really, but you have to promise to put on something completely unsexy. No more wearing only my t-shirt.” Walking away, I add, “In fact, if you happen to have a suit of armor, that’d be awesome.”
~ ~ ~
We order a pizza, and when the first question Ember asked was what upset me at the hospital, I told her about Mabel. Emily was right. She already had a clue, so she ended up comforting me, convincing me to accept Mabel’s decision due to how brutal treatment for Mabel would be.
Ember removes her second slice of pizza from the box and shoves it in her mouth. I feel bad for forgetting to feed her in all the chaos of the evening, but she assured me that she couldn’t have eaten anyway.
“So you grew up in a casino in Atlantic City?” she asks, thankfully not making sex noises after this bite. It’s her first experience with Fabrizio’s, so I get it. It’s fucking awesome pizza, but even in her ratty unicorn pajama pants and faded hoodie from the nursing school she attended, both of which she swears are the least sexy things she packed, I’m still so turned on by her, especially when she groaned through her first slice.
“Yes,” I nod, sighing. Looks like the conversation is going to swing my way now. After we discussed Mabel, she opened up about her suburban upbringing with her super-uptight, controlling mom, yes-man dad, and could-do-no-wrong, perfect older brother; at least that’s the way Ember told the story. Now, she wants to know mine.
Not too many people know about my upbringing. Honestly, no one’s ever asked, and that was fine with me. I know Tater’s on a roll about being right tonight. I know that in order to be intimate with someone else, I have to open up. I want Ember to know me; I just don’t want to have to go through the hassle of telling her.
“Wow, was it cool or did it suck?” she asks casually. “I mean, I can think of scenarios where it would be both.”
“I guess it was both. Because my aunt worked two jobs, I had to grow up pretty fast and learn how to do many things on my own. But Tater’s mom invited me to hang out with them a lot, so I wasn’t alone.”
“That was nice of her.”
“Yeah,” I nod, smiling, “Jenna wasn’t exactly a conventional mom, so things around their house were always interesting.”
“Tater’s family lived at the casino, too?”
I smirk because she doesn’t know. It’s fun watching people when they first learn who the hell Tater really is.
“Tater’s dad is Tristan Cartupeli.”
She swallows funny and chokes a little, grabbing her bottle of water to help it go down.
“Tater, the guy I met tonight who told me the story of how you and he once got suspended for decorating the opposing football team’s locker room with inflatable penises, is the prince of the Pelican Hotel Empire?”
Chuckling, I shake my head. “Oh God, I forgot about our senior prank. You should have seen where the inflate nozzle was. Once I watched Tater blow one up and took his picture, he and I tricked some of the guys in the group into blowing the rest up. I think I still have the pictures somewhere.”
“Wait, others? He said just the two of you got suspended.”
“We did,” I admit nodding. “I told the rest of the people to leave when the cops showed up.” I shrug. “Tater chose to take the fall with me.”
She narrows her eyes. “But… why would you volunteer to take the fall?”
“The others had scholarships and acceptance letters to good schools at stake. I didn’t. It was bad enough that the suspension cost Tater his acceptance to Yale.”
“Wow,” she whispers.
The way she stares at me… I don’t think I’ve seen many look at me with such… is that admiration? It feels good, but it also kind of makes me uncomfortable. I stand and walk to the kitchen to get a beer out of the fridge, but instead of returning to the couch, I lean against the door frame. She’s still watching me, so I try to appear casual as I take a drink.
Her smile widens. “So where does one even find inflatable penises? Asking for a friend.”
“I don’t remember. I actually think Tater’s mom ordered them for us. Holy shit, his dad was so pissed, but only because he had to do a lot of damage control so it wouldn’t end up on the news. When he interrogated us, I told him it was all my idea. Jenna, Tater’s mom, fessed up to save me.”
She swallows. “Save you? Would he have done something bad to you?”
I shrug. “He threatened to fire my aunt and throw us out of the hotel.” Crossing my arms, I don’t hide my hatred for the man. “He’s a class A dick.”
She drops her half-eaten slice of pizza back in the box and dusts off her hands. “Sounds like it.”
“There’s a reason neither one of his kids want anything to do with him.”
“Wait, that means KaeKae is Tater’s sister?”
I resist the urge to grind my teeth and nod.
She leans forward and grabs her phone. “Oh my God, she’s the only reason I check my Instagram account every day.” Turning her phone around, she points to a picture of the woman I convinced myself I loved for years and the guy she chose instead of me. “I live for her posts, and my entire musical playlist is from her suggested artists of the day. And how cute is she with her boyfriend? They’re like… relationship goals, you know?”
There aren’t many things that my carefully-trained mask just can’t compete with. Mentions of how cute Kaelyn and Brody are together is apparently one of them. Really, I am over her, but it still stings a little when I see them happy, probably because I want what they have so badly, and for seven years, I thought I wanted it with Kaelyn. Old habits and all.
I close my eyes and lean my head back, realizing what I have to tell Ember. If she is going to be in my life like I want her to, she’s going to find out eventually. Since falling in love with someone who was like a sister to me might be a game changer for her, it’s better for the rejection to happen now than when I’m even more attached to her.
When I open my eyes, she’s staring at me with her head tilted and her brows furrowed.
“What did I say?”
“Nothing,” I rush out, shaking my head.
I kick off the wall and make my way to the couch to sit next to her. She turns toward me, pulling her knee between us, and leans her head on her hand.
“Then what do you not want to tell me?”
I smile. “Am I really that easy to read?”
“God, no.” She reaches out and places one finger on my forearm, trailing it down toward my wrist. “But I’ve been studying you, and I think I’ve learned some of your tells.”
I sigh and run my hand over my face. “It’s just that what I have to tell you will probably make you want to have nothing to do with me.”
I feel the couch shift, so I risk a glance in her direction. Both legs are under her now, and she is staring at her knees. Her head flies up, eyes widened by her revelation.
“Holy shit, KaeKae’s real name is Kaelyn, isn’t it? She’s the one you were…” she trails off and covers her mouth with her fingers.
Well, I didn’t have to tell her, so there’s that. But she knows. And now I wait for the rejection.
“And the computer nerd she threw you over for is her current boyfriend, who’s in the pic I just shoved in your face and said how cute they were together.” She takes a deep breath. “Shit, Douglass, I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t know.” Covering her face with both her hands, she shakes her head.
“Wait,” I say, confused by her apology. “You don’t get it. You can’t, or else you would be glad you showed me their picture. You wouldn’t be apologizing.” I scoot to the edge of the couch, turning toward her. “You should think that I am a bastard for not only falling for my best friend’s little sister, but for
wasting seven years pining for someone who I knew since she was born, someone who is like a little sister to me.” Her eyes fly up to mine as I push up to stand and start pacing. “You don’t think that’s disgusting?”
She watches me, her expression unreadable. “No, but you apparently do,” she softly says.
After staring for a few seconds, her expression softens, and she asks, “Why did you wait seven years?”
I throw my hands out to the side. “She was seventeen when I first felt anything for her, so I waited until she was a little bit older, but then when I admitted my feelings to Tater, he was against it because she was going through all that crazy media frenzy shit, and he said it was bad timing, and he knew she’s like a sister to me and she’s seven years younger than I am, so I had to wait longer…” I trail off.
When she smirks, it kind of punches me in the gut.
“What?” I bark, immediately regretting it.
Giggling, she says, “My penchant for run-on sentences seems to be contagious.” She shrugs. “We love who we love. Let’s take a look at my situation.” Pointing to herself, she adds, “I fell for a gay man, Doug. The signs were there during our entire relationship, and I ignored them. Plus, Walker is six years older than I am.” She blushes, admitting, “I was a freshman, and he was the TA for my government class and a doctoral candidate for my professor, so he basically taught the class for the entire semester. I don’t judge.”
I stop and shake my head, crossing my arms over my chest. She’s still not getting it.
“It was wrong. I was wrong for allowing myself to fall for her. She was off limits.”
She stands and walks over to me. “Let me tell you what I think. Emily’s friend was right that night at the strip club. You do have a terrible inferiority complex. You’ve convinced yourself you’re not good enough for anyone, and that’s probably why you don’t open up to anyone. The reason you fell for Kaelyn is because she knows everything about you and loves you for who you are anyway, probably in some hero-worshippy way that little sisters do to their big brothers’ best friends. And, if I can fathom a guess, you probably protected her and maybe saved her ass on several occasions in ways she didn’t trust her big brother to do, and that caused a deep connection between the two of you. That deep connection is what you turned into love. So yeah, I do get it. It’s not icky. It’s completely understandable. She’s not your sister, so it’s not disgusting in any way. It’s really sweet, and the fact that you didn’t act on it out of respect for Tater is admirable. You admitted it to him, and since he is still as close to you as the guy I saw you with tonight, how can you feel disgusted by your feelings?”
She takes a deep breath and softens her voice.
“I’m guessing that you don’t open up to many people because you’re afraid that they will see what you’ve convinced yourself is someone no one would want, all because your asshole parents abandoned you, which I know because I eavesdropped on you and loud mouth Mabel’s conversation yesterday.”
I shake my head. “I really hoped you hadn’t heard that.”
“But I did, and I’m glad I did. I know I shouldn’t have listened, but honestly, I’m not even sorry about the blatant invasion of privacy.” She lays her hands on both my arms still crossed over my chest. “Douglass, everyone I’ve met in the last few days who knows you thinks you’re an awesome human being. Mabel thinks of you as family and likes you way more than her blood relatives. That waitress tonight… You heard her say you were the best man on the planet, and she says she owes you for most likely saving her life from an abusive fuck.” She grips my arms tighter. “I know she meant every word. Emily was really giving you the hard sell tonight, saying how you were quite a catch and a really good man, and Tater made it clear that he thinks of you as his family.” She pulls on my arms and she leads me over to the couch, guiding me to sit.
“And then there’s me,” she says breathily, lifting her hoodie over her head, revealing that she’s wearing nothing under it. She pauses for a second, her confidence of a moment ago replaced by vulnerability. I take the opportunity to study what she’s sharing with me for the first time. Her breasts aren’t large, but they’re full, and her perky, rosy nipples point slightly upward. Her peachy skin begs to be touched. I uncross my arms and reach forward, grabbing her by the hips and pulling her down to straddle my lap, keeping a bit of distance between us.
“What about you?” I ask, running my hands up her back just so I can feel her bare skin under my palms.
She hooks her hands into the bottom of my shirt and pulls upward, so I sit forward, assisting her in removing it. Her hands run over my chest, but it doesn’t feel sexual. I actually feel at peace.
“All I know is that since I met you, my entire body has been on fire whenever I’m close to you. I was afraid I’d combust if you ever touched me.” I chuckle, and she smiles. “Well, since we’re both still here, it obviously didn’t happen.” Her hands move up to my face. “I’ve only been with one man in my entire life, and I never felt the passion with him that I felt with you earlier.” Leaning forward so we’re chest to chest, she wraps her arms around my neck and runs her hands through my hair. “I have never felt safer than I do when you’re near except for when I was in your arms tonight when you hugged me. I’m betting that it’s because my body knew from the start that you are someone special, Douglass, and finally, my mind has caught up.” She leans forward and barely brushes her lips against mine slowly. I move my lips with hers, really wanting to take over, but I let her lead. She pulls away and tucks her head under my chin, curling into me, running her hands down to my waist. “This doesn’t have to go any further. I know how much your job means to you, but please, I need the intimacy and to feel safe right now.”
My hands wrap around her, securing her to me, before I scoot to the edge of the couch, urging her to wrap her legs around me before I stand. After turning off the lights, I easily carry her into my bedroom to my bed, sitting on the edge of it.
“Is this okay?” I ask, really hoping she’ll agree to sleep in here.
I feel her lips on the hollow of my throat. “Yes,” she whispers.
I sit there for a few seconds awkwardly before chuckling. “I’m a little nervous. You may not believe this, but I’ve never actually been in my bed with a woman before.”
She pulls back to try to find my eyes in the dark. “Seriously?” After I nod, she asks, “Have you ever slept over at their places?”
“Nope. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever even been in a bed with anyone but Tater.”
I can see her smile in the darkness. “So, Emily’s friend was right about you and your best friend.”
I laugh at that one as I lay us down gingerly, rolling her to the side of me. “Tater and I had to share a pull-out couch when we first moved to L.A. He didn’t have access to his trust fund when he moved here with me, so we didn’t have money for a long time. Our first apartment was barely the size of this room, and we ate ramen every night for about a year.” My hand begins absently running up and down her spine. “God, I never want to eat that shit again.”
Her fingers start to rub small circles on my abdomen. “Any college student will agree with you there. Kelly loved the shrimp flavor though. God, that shit smells nasty. This one time, she came home late from the club and decided she wanted to make some. She set the noodles in to boil and fell asleep on the couch. Almost burned the apartment down. Our apartment smelled like burned shrimp noodles for weeks.”
I hug her closer, kissing her forehead. I love how she sighs when I do it. It makes me want to tell her everything about me.
“Once, I stole one of the cigars from a high roller in the hotel,” I begin, running my fingers up and down her arm. “Tater and I were going to smoke it behind one of these huge potted plants decorating the corner of the hotel, but when I lit it, I dropped it on the carpet, where it burned a huge hole. We moved the plant over the burn mark, but that hidden corner of the lobby floor smelled like burning pol
yester and high-dollar cigar for a week.”
She giggles. “Oh my God, when I was a kid, my mother caught me eating grapes out of the display bag at the grocery store. She made me confess to the kid who was stocking the tomatoes, and he shrugged it off like it was no big deal at first, then he took the signal from her that he was supposed to be angry. She told me in front of him that I was lucky he didn’t call the police to report me for stealing, and he told me he might just do that. From that night on, every time I heard a siren, I was scared they were coming for me, that the boy decided calling the police was the right thing to do. To this day, I still get a little nervous when I hear a siren.”
“Grape thievery?” I say, chuckling. “Wow, I’m in bed with a bad girl.”
“Right? Don’t you forget it, buddy. I think the great grape heist of 1995 trumps your high school inflatable penis shenanigans and your stolen cigar.”
And that’s how the rest of our night goes. We share stories until we drift off to sleep somewhere around three a.m.
She’s exactly where I want her to stay.
Nineteen
Ember
“Forget what the cat dragged in,” Mabel bellows, “you both look like what the cat left behind after eating what he dragged in.”
“Wow, thanks, Mabel,” I answer, rolling my eyes before stealing a glance at Doug. “We don’t look that bad.”
Well, he doesn’t. I might since I decided to forgo the shower this morning so we could visit her before our meeting. I’m currently questioning that decision.
“Well, it’s obvious it was either a rough night,” she sits back, wagging her eyebrows, “or a really good one.”
I convinced Douglass that we needed to come see Mabel before our meeting with Reed Security. Really, the decision to visit is more for him than it is for her. I know how much he hates the thought of losing her, but I’m trying to convince him that we, meaning he, needs to accept her decision to die on her own terms. She’s at the age where she’s earned that right.
