by Robin Leaf
I close my eyes and rest my head back, trying to relax into the drive, deep breathing to try to find my Zen. I either left it back in California, or we’re driving toward it. It’d be much easier if the pain meds would just fucking kick in. I run through my speech in my head four times, hoping what I have to say is enough. There is a miniscule chance that Douglass left because of me and not for the reason I think he did, but I’m putting that thought on the back burner. Gotta keep up the positivity.
Shit, I never did watch that video Kaelyn sent. I pull it up and hit play. That little swirly arrow goes round and round. I have like one bar here in what seems to be the boondocks. Nice.
Right when it starts to play, Brody slows and turns onto a gravel road. I have to ditch the phone and brace myself for the ride.
He pulls up to a very nice ranch-style house with a wrap around porch. Damn, it’s really cute.
“We’re here,” he announces, turning off the truck. “Do you want me to carry you inside? I only ask because it took you a long minute to get moving after the plane.”
I undo the seatbelt, testing my legs. “I think I’ll be okay, but come help me out of the truck, please. It all might change once I get on terra firma.”
He’s around the truck in a flash, opening the door and helping me slide down to the ground. I take a couple of careful steps holding on to him.
“You good?” he asks.
I nod. “Just don’t let go, please. The drugs are kicking in, so I’m a little swirly.”
When we make it to the front door, it flies open. Kaelyn rushes toward me, taking me gently from Brody.
“Oh, shit, Ember,” she says quietly, “you look like you got run over by a truck, not beat up inside of one.”
“Nice to meet you, too, Kae.”
She giggles. “Sorry.” She kicks the door closed and proceeds to try to fix my hair. “The twins passed out in the guest room about twenty minutes ago, and I just now woke him up knowing y’all were close,” she says, hooking her arm around my elbow to lead me around the corner to the couch where Douglass is sitting, rubbing his eyes.
Once my eyes drink him in, my vagina seems to do a slow clap, letting me know how much she missed him. Apparently, she is immune to strong pain meds.
I feel her let go and back away, so I widen my stance for stability. “Hey,” I say breathily. Clearing my throat, I strengthen my voice and declare, “You fucking left me.”
He looks up and tries to focus his eyes on me. When he gets a full look at me, he closes his eyes tightly, furrowing his brow.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Blue.”
“Dammit. I waited since the moment I saw you in my hotel room for us to have nothing in our way. Not your job or my stalker or any fucking thing. Now, you plopped your big ass smack dab in the middle of us. You will not blame yourself or give me some ‘I’m not good enough for you’ bullshit excuses.” I pull my thumb to my chest. “I get to decide that. If anyone’s not good enough, it’s me. I’m the one too stupid to sit down in a moving truck. I’m the one who unknowingly encouraged a mentally-unstable kid. I’m the one who karma is having a field day with today, and I’m still here, fighting for you, so you will get out of your fucking head and take me home. I’m not supposed to be left alone for at least twenty-four hours, and I’ll be damned if I let ganja mom look after me. Of course, I wasn’t supposed to travel, yet here I am.”
“But –”
“No.” I hold up my hand. “No buts. I choose you, Douglass. I want you. I need you, heart, mind, body, and soul, so if you push me away now that I’ve flown over a thousand miles to get to you, you’ll be the biggest asshole on the planet, negating the fact that everyone I’ve met who knows you has worked so hard to tell me how much you are not an asshole.” I ball my hands into fists. “I’ll make sure everyone knows why, too. I’ll take out an ad and put it in every conceivable place that advertises in the city of Los Angeles. ‘Beware the asshole that is Van Cleef. He leaves women because he’s a wuss.’”
He stands, stepping right in front of me. “I’m not a fucking wuss, Ember.”
I try to stand as tall as I can, sticking my chest out so it touches him. “Yeah, you are. You’re falling back on those old, untrue childhood beliefs that no one will ever love you instead of believing in yourself or in me. That kind of hurts my feelings, like a lot. Yeah, you got the shaft as far as your parents are concerned, but I am not your parents. I don’t know how they could do what they did or what their feelings were. Maybe they left you because they didn’t feel they were good enough, like you’re trying to do to me right now.”
I raise my eyebrow, letting that sink in for a minute. When that epiphany strikes him, I give him a second to recover before I continue.
“Look, Doug, I know how I feel about you. I certainly know your feelings for me. I want you in my life. And I know you want me.” I huff, throwing my hands in the air. “So just fucking stay with me.”
He fights his smile. It’s small, but I’ll take it. “You sound awfully confident.”
“You’re God damn right I do. And confidence is a big deal for me. Like fucking Hulk on steroids huge. But here I am… feeling very confident about you. So what’s say you join me in the sky high confidence and put your reservations and insecurities aside.” I hold out my hand. “Stay with me.”
“Oh, I like her so much,” Kaelyn blurts. “Dammit, Dugger, if you don’t kiss her, I will.”
He smiles, taking my hand. “Fuck off, Kaelyn.”
“Wow, he didn’t even call me Sugar Bug. He must mean it.”
“C’mon, Cher,” Brody chuckles, pulling Kaelyn around the waist. “Let’s do what Dugger says and fuck off so they can have their moment.”
“You don’t have to sleep on the couch,” she calls out as he carries her down the hall. “The office behind the kitchen has a double bed with fresh sheets.” He rounds the corner with her still in his arms, but she just shouts louder. “It’s super far away from our room, so we won’t hear anything.”
Their door slams, and Douglass looks me over, I think taking inventory of my bruises. I can’t read his expression. I’ve noticed how good he is at hiding his emotion, which is yet another way we are different. I have trouble turning down the volume on my facial expressions.
“How bad is your pain?” he asks quietly.
“On a scale of one to ten, about a five right now, but I’m on pain meds.”
“You flew here on pain meds, after being kidnapped, battered with a dislocated shoulder… for me?”
I nod. “I’d do it a thousand times for you, Douglass Van Cleef.” I lean into him, lowering my voice. “You’re worth it.”
This time, he doesn’t hide his look. I think I see pride, devotion, and is that adulation?
Yeah, I’ll take it all.
Thirty
Dugger
“I want to pull you in my arms and kiss you,” I tell her, running my finger along her chin, “but I’m afraid to touch you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“My lips aren’t bruised, Douglass.”
I lean down and brush my lips against hers, barely skimming the soft skin lining the best lips in the world, the ones that said she wants me. I repeat the process a few times, gradually getting firmer with each pass. When I lick across the seam of her lips, her tongue briefly greets mine. I need to stop before I go too far.
“I’m so fucking lucky, Blue.”
“Yes,” she smiles against my lips. “You are.” She pulls back and looks up at me. “But so am I.”
I thread my fingers through hers.
“C’mon. Let’s get you to bed. We’ve had a day.”
She moves slowly and carefully, allowing me to guide her to the room Kaelyn offered.
I help her undress down to her underwear. God, I’m so glad it’s dark. If I saw her naked right now, I might forget she’s hurting. I want her so badly. Of course, her bruises would remind me why that can’t happen. I can wait. God dammit, I can wait a lifetime for
her.
Let’s just hope it’s not a lifetime.
It takes us a few minutes for her to get comfortable. Luckily, we settle into the position we’ve been in for the past few nights, with the exception of me holding on to her for dear life.
When I feel her relax and sigh and her breathing evens out, I take a second to thank God for her. Taking my own deep breath, I allow myself to loosen that jar and take a glimpse at everything I’ve repressed. I see it all… the abandonment, the rejection, the resentment, the jealousy, the hatred… they all play a walk on role in tonight’s little drama theater. It’s probably time to deal with each one head on. I feel strong enough to do that now. I’m not dumb enough to think I can do it all tonight, but at least I know with Ember beside me, I can face anything; I’m ready.
And no, I’m not doing it for her. I’m doing it for me, mainly so I don’t screw up again and possibly lose her for real. That’s purely selfish on my part.
I need to feel worthy so I can be worthy.
But first, I need to help her heal.
~ ~ ~
“God, it’s so good to be home,” Ember says, bringing a smile to my face.
“You mean L.A. in general,” I ask, raising my eyebrow, “or here, at my house?”
She turns to me, placing her hands on my stomach, and looking up at me with wide, innocent eyes. “You feel like home, Dugger.”
Holy shit.
“Wow, you say crazy things when you’re high.”
She smiles. “I didn’t take the last set of pills, so this is all me. I’m a little stiff from the plane, but that impromptu physical therapy session with Etta this morning helped. I’m not near as sore as I thought I’d be.”
“That’s cool, Blue.”
I clear my throat, ready to give the bad news.
“Noah called,” I tell her. “Diesel’s psych eval went a little sideways. They had to sedate him, and he’s in the hospital right now.”
“I knew he was unstable and delusional, but I didn’t realize he was close to psychosis.”
I grab her hand and pull it to my lips. “It’s possible he won’t be fit to stand trial.”
She stares up at me with those hazel eyes, so trusting, and shrugs. “As long as he gets the help he needs, that’s all I really care about.”
“You’re fucking amazing, you know that, right?”
She smiles. “I may be amazing, but I’m also stinky.” Her smile turns a little smirky, and her eyes become hooded. “And I need you to help me take a shower.”
Fuck.
I swallow. “Sure, I’ll stand right outside –”
“No, Dugger,” she says, pulling me in the direction of my bedroom. “My arm is still very sore when I lift it, so I need you to help me wash my hair, and you can’t do that from outside the shower.”
She tugs at the hem of my shirt, wincing as she lifts, so I take it over my head for her. Damn, her eyes widen as she takes in my chest, and when she licks her lips, my cock becomes very interested.
I groan, hanging my head. “Ember…”
“Plus, I want to finally see the not-so-slim, Sir James Dixon Coxley the Eighth.”
“Not only did you name it, but you knighted it?”
“Of course.” Her hand slides over the Jim in question. “Just be glad I didn’t stick with Slim Jim.” She smiles and stands taller, trying to reach my ear, and whispers, “And when I finally do lick it, it’s mine.”
Fuck, she’s making it hard, both literally and figuratively. I close my eyes tightly and press my forehead against hers.
“I will not have sex with you, Blue.”
“Who said anything about sex, Dugger?” She says, reminding me of just a few nights ago, when we had almost the exact same conversation in reverse. Wow, the tides have turned.
She unzips her hoodie, revealing the creamy white skin of the swells of her breasts. “I just want a shower.” Her fingers hook in her pants, and she carefully lowers them. “Two airplane rides and a kidnapping can make a girl,” she lowers her voice, “dirty.”
I see the faint bruises on her legs, and they get in the way of what she’s doing to me.
“Just remember, your doctor said nothing strenuous.”
“Yeah, and I haven’t listened to him yet. Why would I start now?” Her hands deftly unbutton and unzip my jeans.
“No sex,” I breathe out.
She giggles, pulling my waistband down around my ass. “Who are you trying to convince, babe?”
I shake out of my trance, shucking my jeans on my own. I step out of them and move around her to turn on the water for the shower. When I turn back to her, she’s gloriously naked. Luckily, her front is pretty bruise free, so I stand in awe, getting my first eyeful of her perfection. God, she’s achingly beautiful, soft in all the right places, from the swells of her breasts to the curves of her hips.
My eyes make it up to her face, and hers are so heated, there’s no way we’re coming out of today unscathed. I cannot, and most likely will not, be strong, but I can try.
“If I leave on my underwear, would you object?”
“Absolutely.” She steps forward, splaying her hands on my stomach. “But it’s your call.”
“I don’t trust myself.”
She grabs my hand and steps toward the shower. “Well, I trust you completely.”
I help her step in, keeping my hands on her so she doesn’t slip.
“I’ve never showered with another human being before.”
“C’mon. You’ll do fine.” She holds up her hands in surrender as I step in and close the door. “I won’t even touch you if that’ll help.”
No. No it won’t help. Watching the water cascade over her as she tilts her head back under the spray, revealing her perfect, smooth, kissable neck, is not helping. Just being in the same space with her isn’t helping.
“Babe, will you grab my shampoo?” she asks, pointing to the floor next to her.
Oh, God dammit. There is no way to bend down and grab that shampoo bottle without coming in contact with her, and my face is so close…
There, I did it. I open the bottle and dump some in my hand, placing my hands in her hair. I work up the lather, using my fingertips to massage her scalp. That coconut scent fills the air, so I inhale deeply, concentrating on my task. Her eyes close, and I hear her faint moaning over the noise of the water.
My lips land on hers, possibly to swallow her moans or to hear her make more, not sure which. My mouth moves in tandem with my fingertips, and she follows, letting me do whatever I want. She keeps true to her word with her hands by her sides, but I find I want them on me. Guiding her backward one step, I begin to gently rinse her hair, still kissing, but when my hands are rinsed, I grab hers and put them on me before putting mine back in her hair to make sure it’s completely shampoo free.
Her hands stay on the tops of my hips, not even gripping tightly. She’s way stronger than I am. I’m quite impressed and a little disappointed. When I step her out of the stream, I pull away from her lips. “Now what?”
I love her dazed look. It seems I kissed her goofy. Nice.
“Blue.” When her eyes focus on me, I ask again, “Now what?”
“Conditioner,” she purrs. “And grab the soap for me.”
While I apply her conditioner, fingering it through like she instructs, she proceeds to wash her own body. I watch her hands caress her skin like some kind of erotic cleansing process. It’s not that she’s doing anything purposely erotic, but damn, it is quite the turn on, like I need the help. I’m actually jealous that her hands get to rub her skin since mine are busy, but if I touch her, any shred of strength I have will evaporate.
“May I?” she asks innocently, waving her soapy hands at my torso.
I close my eyes and reluctantly nod. I do still have my underwear on, so she can’t do much damage, right?
Fuck. As soon as she touches me, I feel electrified, like a million tiny shocks floating across my skin from her gentle stroking; goos
ebumps erupt everywhere her hands pass. She’s careful and deliberate, smoothing over every inch she can reach without pain.
“Why these tattoos?” she asks, running her hand over my pec. “Do they have a special meaning?”
I smile. “Not really. Tater was learning the craft. No one wanted the Samoan tribal tattoos, so I agreed to be his test canvas. He designed this with me in mind, telling me I needed a little sun in my life. Then his wife started calling me ‘sunshine,’ so I guess now, it has a context.”
She smiles and runs her hand over my arm. “And this one?”
“This is Shayla’s design. When I saw it, I don’t know, I just felt connected to it.” I move her into the spray. “It was her first tat on a real person.”
“It fits you,” she says with her head tilted back and her eyes closed. “You’ve always kept your heart so guarded.”
I smile, pulling her closer and working my fingers through her hair. “And now, it’s surrounded by blue.”
She makes a slight noise that sounds like a whimper, and her slight shudder makes me grip her tighter.
“Dugger, please,” she pleads, gripping the waistband of my underwear. “Take these off, let me see all of you.”
“Ember, if I do that…”
“I’ll take full responsibility.”
The husky tone of her voice hits me right at the base of my cock. God damn, there is no way I will turn her down. I step back, taking over the struggle of getting the wet material over my ass and down my thighs. My cock has been begging to be liberated since I saw her naked anyway, and now that it is, it stretches toward her. My underwear hits the floor of the shower with a loud smack. When I stand tall, her eyes are on mine. Hers are full of gratitude and tenderness, so I do my best to fill my expression with the myriad of emotions I’m feeling.
“You can look,” I offer, thinking she’s searching for permission.
She steps closer to me, laying her hand over my heart. “I’m looking at what I want to see.”
Jesus.
I reach above her to take down the shower head and rinse the soap off of both of us quickly. Turning off the water, I step out first, grabbing a towel to wrap her in before grabbing one for me.
