No one had ever looked at me like that before. Other guys had made me feel desirable, but Sebastian made me feel like we were floating through space, the only two people in the universe.
This thing between us—whatever it was—excited me. But more than that, it gave me another reason to wake up in the morning.
Chapter 15
Sebastian
The spine on the red journal was creased from all the times I had opened it. Several of the pages were starting to show the thread from where they were attached to the binding. Those were the pages I kept coming back to and re-reading. The ones that meant the most.
Sitting in my study, I carefully opened the journal, flipping to a bookmarked page. I lightly ran a finger over the neat handwriting, a lump forming in my throat.
Sebastian,
It’s October now. You’re asleep in the other room, probably dreaming of the different types of atoms or something. Or maybe you’re dreaming of us. Of a future we can’t have.
When I started making this journal for you, I didn’t think about how I’d eventually run out of things to say. Well, not necessarily run out of things to say, but rather have to face the harder topics. Talking about the past is easy.
It’s the future that makes my hand shake as I write this.
In the earlier pages, I talked about how much you mean to me. I’ve written stories of my life that I think you’ll find amusing or informative. Maybe some will help you in the future if you’re ever at a crossroads and need advice. Not everyone knows about Newton, Tesla, Copernicus, and Hawking’s general theory of relativity in great detail, so be mindful when talking to non-science brains. How small the world must be to them.
I won’t be there to give you the advice in person.
It’s hard seeing you every day, Seb, and not telling you the truth. I don’t want you to start looking at me differently. Once you find out I’m sick, that light in your eyes I love so much will disappear. You’ll look at me with sadness instead of love. Maybe you’ll even hate me for keeping it from you.
And I guess I want to keep pretending everything’s okay. I’m not ready to face the truth of my mortality.
If only we could create those nanobots, right? They could go inside my body and heal the damage. But I don’t want to talk about that yet. About the end.
So for now, I’ll just say…I love you.
I stopped reading Leon’s words as a sob tore through my throat. Seven years had passed since he died. Seven years and it still hurt. I took off my glasses and closed my eyes, burying my fingers in my hair as I bent forward and let myself cry.
Emily had never known about Leon. I kept so much of my life private, even from her. Just one of the many reasons why our marriage failed.
Now, I had Cody. And I was afraid of failing him, too.
Another week had passed since we began seeing each other in secret. He had come over to my house a few more times, and while we hadn’t had sex, we had kissed and grown closer in other regards. One evening, we sat on the balcony at sunset, and as he talked about his life, I had felt myself falling for him.
Each time I saw Cody, my desire built even more. I knew we were on the verge of taking our relationship to the next level. Once that happened, there would be no going back.
Wanting Cody was wrong. As his professor, I was in a position of power over him. It could be seen as him giving me sexual favors for a better grade. Even though he was the one who pursued me in the beginning, that still didn’t make it right.
My feelings for him went beyond physical, though.
Leon was the only other person I had ever felt so strongly for. In a way, it felt like a betrayal to his memory. Perhaps that was why I read over the journal he left me. I was at a crossroads, just like he mentioned in the creased pages, and I needed guidance. Some kind of sign that it was okay for me to be happy with someone else.
However, that was the one thing he hadn’t discussed in the two-hundred pages—it being okay for me to move on.
I jolted at the sound of Cody’s beast of a truck.
Going over to the window, I saw it coming up the driveway, the engine grinding and sounding as though it would give out any moment. We hadn’t made plans to see each other this evening, so I was taken off guard. I wiped the remnants of tears from my cheeks before jogging into the upstairs bathroom and checking myself in the mirror. Not much could be done to fix my tousled hair, but I ran my fingers through it to tame it as best as I could.
The engine cut off, and I took the stairs two at a time on my way to the front door. When I opened it, Cody was walking up the sidewalk. He wore a backward baseball cap, which made my heartrate spike.
“Evening,” he said, a wide smile on his handsome face. “I hope it’s okay I stopped by.”
I hated unannounced visitors. Cody, as usual, was the exception.
“Of course it is.” I opened the door wider to let him inside and closed it once he passed me, catching a faint whiff of his cologne. That close to him, I noticed the smile he wore didn’t reach his eyes. “Is everything all right?”
“Yeah.” Cody put his hands in his jacket pockets and faced me. “I just didn’t want to be at the dorm and took a drive. Wasn’t paying much attention to where I was going. Then, I found myself on your road.”
“Why don’t you want to be at the dorm?”
“Tristen and I are kinda fighting,” he said, sitting on the couch. “If I stayed there another second, punches would’ve been thrown.”
I sat beside him, not too close. “Why are you fighting?”
“Doesn’t matter.” He took off his hat before placing it back down on his head, almost as though it were a nervous tick. “We’ve never really fought before, so it’s weird. Things have been tense for a few weeks, and it kinda blew up tonight.”
I wanted to say something to help Cody feel better, but I came up short. Reading people’s emotions was still a challenge, and I had never been good at giving advice. That was always Leon’s specialty.
“It’s Halloween night,” I said, fighting the urge to place my hand on his thigh. “You don’t have plans?”
“I got invited to a few parties but didn’t feel like going.” Cody focused on me. “I’d rather spend time with you.”
Perhaps it was the raspy quality of his voice or the tender look in his eyes, but I scooted toward him on the cushion. So close to him, but not nearly close enough. I slid my hand up the side of his neck. My mouth hovered over his but didn’t touch. Not yet. I wanted him to meet me, so I knew it was something he wanted, too.
Cody closed the gap between our lips, kissing me softly.
One kiss. Two. A soft meeting of mouths again and again.
He tasted like spearmint, and when I inhaled, our lips still locked, a rush of minty freshness filled my mouth. My hand cupped his nape while his tugged at my shirt. My body instantly responded to his proximity, my senses heightening by the feel and taste of him.
I was made of ice, just like Emily had so often said. But Cody warmed me. His heated skin on mine, the soft breaths he took between kisses, the pulse in his neck that I felt beneath my palm—all these things thawed me.
Cody pushed against my chest, his lips still moving on mine, and laid me back on the couch. I groaned at the weight of him and gripped his jacket, pulling it down his shoulders and off his muscled arms. He broke the kiss and sat up to take off his shirt.
As the valley of his abs and his toned chest filled my vision, I bit my bottom lip. He was too perfect.
When he went to take off his ball cap, I touched his arm.
“Leave it on,” I said. As much as I liked running my fingers through his hair, the sight of him in the backwards hat was too irresistible.
“Yes, sir.” He flashed a cocky grin and placed it back on his head.
As he covered my body with his, claiming my lips once more, I glided my hand up and down his spine.
Every inch of him was flawless, from his gray-blue eyes down to his impecc
able physique. But the real beauty came from what was beneath it all—the boy who grew up with dreams of being a Marine and the man who made it happen. He had tangled me in his web along the way, and now I couldn’t imagine going back to a life without him in it.
Cody ground his hips into me, lightly grazing his teeth up my neck. As he gripped the arm of the couch above my head, his thick bicep rested near my face. I turned my head to kiss it. Mimicking sex, he thrust forward and sucked the sensitive area below my ear.
My head spun as all my blood rushed south. I admired his strength, but his control was most impressive. He was greatly aroused but was taking his time, kissing me, touching me.
The moment was somewhat affected by the rumbling of my empty stomach.
Cody’s kisses to my throat lessened, as did his grinding. I kneaded his shoulders, trying to get us back in the moment.
When my stomach grumbled its complaint again, Cody chuckled and rested his head on my collarbone.
“Did you forget to eat again?” he asked, meeting my stare. Humor was alight in his eyes.
“Yes.” I had eaten a sausage and egg biscuit for breakfast, but I couldn’t remember if I ate anything for lunch. Most of the day was spent in my office and then in the lab for research, and once I returned home, I went straight to my study.
Cody’s weight lifted off mine, and he stood from the couch. He put his shirt back on, and disappointment trickled through me. I didn’t want him to leave.
“Is something wrong?”
“Yeah.” He arched a brow. “I can’t have you being hungry. Come on.”
He offered me a hand, and I took it before he pulled me to my feet. I was still a little light-headed and felt off balance as he led me away from the couch.
“Where are we going?”
“To your kitchen.” Cody kept hold of my hand as we walked under the archway into the kitchen. He let go and scrunched up his face, surveying the large room. “Mind if I take a look at what you have?”
“Not at all.”
I leaned against the counter and watched as he searched through the refrigerator, not expecting him to find much. My last trip to the grocery store was about a week ago, and there was very little to cook. No meat and only a few vegetables. I wasn’t sure what was in the cabinets.
“I apologize for the poor selection.”
Cody turned to me with a smile. “Nah, I got this. Just give me a few.”
After pulling the butter, zucchini, and spinach leaves from the refrigerator, he searched the cabinets, finding a box of penne noodles. My interest was piqued at what he’d do with them. I had no sauce of any kind, and I tried not to think about how dry and bland the noodles would be without it.
“We didn’t have much money growing up,” Cody said, filling a pot with water and placing it on the stove. He added salt and turned the burner on high. “Dad and I would get creative sometimes when we were short on food money. He tried to make it a fun game. Like, ‘what experiment will we do tonight, Code?’ And then we’d search the kitchen from top to bottom, pulling out everything we had.”
He had mentioned his upbringing before, but it never failed to make my chest ache. Not only the thought of him going hungry a lot as a child, but also the sad look in his eyes when he spoke of his father.
“Your father sounded like a great man.”
“The best.” Cody smiled sadly. “I think he would’ve liked you, Sebastian. Before he died, he said he wanted me to find an intelligent guy who treated me right.”
“He didn’t have an issue with your sexuality?”
“Nope. I know I was one of the lucky ones.” After rinsing off the zucchini, he grabbed a cutting board and a knife from the block. “Dad was religious and had more Christian values I think most other Christians lack. He said God made me this way, and I didn’t need to feel ashamed about it.”
“I don’t believe in God,” I said. “But if I did, I believe your father was on the right track.”
“Are all scientists atheists?” Cody asked. He chopped the zucchini before placing a skillet on the other burner. As the water in the pot started to boil, he added the noodles.
“I can’t speak for all of us, but for me, the idea of one celestial being creating the universe and everything in it is difficult to wrap my head around. If God created the universe, who created God? Science is logical and can be proven. The other? Not so much.”
“That’s why people have faith. Just because you can’t see it or prove it’s real doesn’t mean it isn’t. I’m not super religious and don’t go to church or anything, but I like to think God is real. That maybe He’s the one who set into motion the events of the Big Bang and let the universe go from there.”
I enjoyed our discussion. It was rare to have a man of science and one of faith have a conversation over such things and it not turn into a huge argument. Cody had his beliefs but respected mine. And I, in turn, repaid him that respect.
“Do you have any chicken stock?” Cody asked.
“I believe so, yes. Check in the cabinet above the stove.”
He looked and did an adorable bouncy dance when he found it.
Watching him throw together seemingly random ingredients fascinated me. Whether the food would be edible or not was another thing entirely.
Once the noodles were cooked, he drained the water and added butter and chicken stock, then stirred them. He searched my spice rack and grabbed the garlic powder, adding it to the pot. In the skillet, he cooked the zucchini and spinach leaves, adding a touch of garlic and butter to them, as well as salt and pepper.
I grabbed two plates and silverware and took them to the table, both intrigued and nervous about the final product.
“Would you like wine?” I asked.
“Oh, getting fancy, huh?” He shot me a grin. “I’d love some.”
As I retrieved the glasses and poured the wine, Cody dumped the vegetables into the pot with the noodles and mixed it all together.
“I hope you like it,” he said, bringing the food over to the table. He scooped a large portion onto my plate before doing the same to his.
An experiment was a great way to describe the dish.
Looking at the seemingly bland noodles and chunks of vegetable mixed in, I braced myself for the flavorless, underwhelming bite. I didn’t want to be rude and hurt Cody’s feelings if I didn’t like it, so I smiled at him before lifting the fork to my mouth.
The burst of flavor that hit my tongue was unexpected.
“Wow.” I chewed and swallowed the bite.
“Good, right?” He started eating, bouncing his knee. Always fidgeting in one way or another.
“How did you make it taste so good with no sauce?” I was amazed by him. He was delightful in countless ways; his silly personality, sweet nature, thought-provoking ideals, and now his cooking skills.
“It’s the butter and chicken stock. You have to make do with what you have. Now eat before you waste away, Doctor.”
“Giving me orders?” I eyed him over my glass as I took a drink. “You’re not a Second Lieutenant yet, Mr. Miller.”
His raspy laugh was the sweetest sound I’d heard all day.
After dinner, I carried the dishes to the sink and rinsed them off. I would properly wash them later, but I didn’t want to waste the time I had with Cody, so I left them for now.
He stood beside the island, drinking his second glass of wine and discussing the origins of Halloween and telling me scary stories. I was entertained, not by what he said—I cared little for Halloween—but how he said it.
“They say if you don’t have a jack-o-lantern lit outside your front door”—his eyes widened and he leaned toward me, trying to amplify the suspense of his words—“the spirits and demons will be able to enter your home.”
“Mhm.” I met his gaze head-on and angled my body toward him. “I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t believe in ghosts.”
“Really?” Cody finished off his wine and set the glass down. “So you were
just tryin’ to scare me when you said the house was haunted. Okay. I see how you are, Dr. Vale.”
He walked around the island and placed a hand on my hip. I stepped closer, seeking his touch. Everything about him appealed to me, and I was quickly realizing I couldn’t get enough of him.
“Do you believe in ghosts?” The topic was absurd, but he had me curious.
“Not sure.” He nuzzled the side of my head before resting his face against my neck. “I think when someone dies, either really tragic or violently, energy is left behind. Like their soul moves on, but the horror or sadness stays here. So, in that sense, I guess I believe in ghosts, but not like how most people view them.”
Energy. I understood that. Cody had a strong energy field around him. One that wouldn’t be easily dispersed, even once he was gone. One day, he would leave for deployment or be stationed elsewhere, but everything he touched would stay behind, a reminder he had been here. The glass he drank wine from, the cushion on the couch where he pushed me down and kissed me.
His absence wouldn’t take away the memory.
Same as Leon.
“There you go getting that sad look in your eyes again,” Cody said. “You never did tell me who you lost.”
Gently, I stepped out of his embrace and walked toward the sliding glass door. The sun had set, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Only bright stars and an even brighter moon, casting the world in a silver glow. Cody had been so open with me. Honest. It was time for me to do the same.
“His name was Leon.” My voice was but a whisper. “And he was my best friend.”
Cody approached from behind, but he didn’t touch me. He waited for me to continue.
“We met when I worked as a nuclear chemist. Before him, I didn’t have many friends. It was difficult for me to make them. I was too awkward, too quirky. I didn’t understand their language, and they didn’t understand mine.” I paused to take a breath and get a grip on my emotions. “But Leon understood me. He didn’t mock me or say I was weird. Instead, he initiated debates, wanting to know my take on certain topics.”
I fell silent, unable to say more.
Brighter Shades of Light Page 15
