by Maya Banks
“I thought the fire made the room seem so homey, and then I realized how ridiculous the thought was since I know nothing about what makes a home.”
She heard the sadness in her voice before she realized it was there. Instantly she bit her lip, knowing she shouldn’t have said anything at all.
Jace looked as though someone had punched him in the face. Then he bit out another swear. It was long and vicious and it sent a chill skittering up her spine.
She flinched when he reached out to touch her cheek and then he dropped his hand down to her waist, where the shirt covered the bruises. He found the spot that ached the most, however, and cupped his palm over it.
“Who did this to you, Bethany? What the fuck happened out there? And don’t lie to me. I want the whole bloody truth.”
She sucked in her breath, her eyes wide. She couldn’t tell him. How could she? He’d toss her out so fast her head would spin. But wasn’t that what she wanted? To be able to go? He couldn’t very well keep her. But even as she thought it, she had doubts. He seemed so . . . determined.
Jace was staring hard at her, silent and expectant. He wasn’t going to let her out of this.
“I can’t tell you that,” she said in a choked voice. “Please don’t ask me, Jace.”
His lips thinned even further and anger glittered in his eyes.
“Let’s get a few things straight, okay? I already know a lot about you. You’re homeless. You have a prior drug possession charge. You haven’t eaten in three days. You have no money. No place to sleep and someone out there put their fucking hands on you.”
All the blood drained out of her face. Her stomach knotted viciously and shame crawled over her shoulders and seized her by the throat. She gave him a stricken look, her humiliation so keen that she wanted to cry.
Jace moved his hand from her abdomen up to cup her cheek. He brushed his thumb tenderly over her cheekbone, his gaze softening as he took in her horror.
“Bethany,” he said in a quiet voice. “I knew all this before I came for you. Doesn’t that tell you anything?”
“I don’t know,” she whispered, unable to look at him any longer.
She dropped her gaze, closing her eyes. She felt so . . . unworthy, and she hated that feeling. Hated it with a passion. She’d spent a lifetime feeling unworthy, unlovable. Not good enough.
“Look at me,” he said firmly.
When she hesitated, he lifted her chin with his hand until her face was directed toward him. But her eyes were still shut.
“Open your eyes, baby.”
When she did, her vision was obscured by the sheen of tears that threatened.
“Don’t cry,” he said huskily. “What it says is that it doesn’t matter to me. I knew that about you, and I still went to the shelter. I’ve been looking for you for two goddamn weeks. I’ve scoured every fucking shelter I could find, hoping like hell to find you in one of them. And when I didn’t come up with you anywhere, it made me livid because I knew you were out there on the goddamn streets, cold, hungry and alone. Where I couldn’t protect you. Where I couldn’t make sure you had enough to eat. Where you didn’t even have a fucking coat to keep you warm.”
Despite his command for her not to cry, a tear slipped down her cheek and collided with his hand. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her face and then he kissed his way upward, removing the damp trail.
“Now, tell me who did this to you,” he said, anger vibrating in his voice. “I want to know everything. I’m going to take care of you, Bethany, but I have to know what I’m getting into here.”
She shook her head adamantly. “You can’t. Jace, I can’t move into your sister’s apartment. You can’t just sweep in and take over. Life doesn’t work that way. It never has.”
Impatience glittered in those dark eyes. “Life works however the hell you make it work. And the hell I can’t take over. Not to hurt your feelings, baby, but you haven’t done such a great job taking care of yourself. I’m going to change all that.”
“But why?” she burst out. “I don’t get it. I was a one-night stand for you and Ash. I can’t do that again. You were my relapse. I can’t go back down that road. I won’t. I’ve worked too hard to get to this place.”
She was shaking by the end of her outburst. And deeply shamed that she’d just blurted all that out. Wasn’t it bad enough that he knew about her arrest? Now he’d think she was a whore on top of being a drug addict.
“What place?” Jace demanded. “A place where you have no home? Nothing to eat?”
“To a place where I could gain back my self-respect,” she said quietly.
She edged backward on the couch, ready to bolt toward the door. Jace seemed to know exactly what she was contemplating. He moved fast, before she could even blink. He was right up next to her again, arm wrapped around her waist. Trapped. She wasn’t going anywhere.
“Start talking. Everything, Bethany. Tell me what you mean by ‘relapse.’ And then you’re going to stop avoiding the question I’ve asked you four times already. I want to know who the fuck put their hands on you,” he said menacingly.
Not knowing what else to do, she leaned into his chest, burying her head on his shoulder. He seemed surprised but then he wrapped both arms solidly around her, surrounding her with his strength and warmth. He rubbed a hand up and down her back and he pressed kisses to her hair.
And he waited. He sat there with her firmly in his embrace, and he remained quiet, almost as if he could see her struggling to work up the courage to tell him what he wanted to know.
There was no way he’d want her after she told him everything. No way in hell. One part of her was relieved. It solved the issue of him taking over and butting into her life. But a huge part of her was devastated.
Jace was pure temptation. He did and said all the right things. Things that went straight to her heart, and worse, they inspired the one thing that she’d given up long ago. Hope.
“It’s a really long story,” she said against his shirt.
“I’m not going anywhere, baby. We have all night. I’m here. I’m listening.”
God, he was too good to be true. She closed her eyes and inhaled sharply, sucking in the smell of him. And then finally she drew away.
“Why don’t you let me get a blanket. We’ll get comfortable on the couch and sit in front of the fire. You talk and I’ll listen. Deal?”
She took a deep breath and then took the plunge. “Deal.”
chapter eleven
Jace pulled her into his arms and she snuggled against his side, curving her body into the hollow of his shoulder. He arranged the blanket around them and tucked the ends securely over her body. When he was done, he kissed the top of her head and she knew it was time.
Time to lay bare her soul. To tell him all her shameful secrets. The things that haunted her sleep to this day. He simmered with impatience—had been all evening—and yet he’d displayed remarkable restraint. He was likely ready to strangle her, but this wasn’t easy for her and perhaps he knew it.
“For as long as I can remember, it’s always been Jack and me,” she said quietly.
Jace tensed against her. “Who the fuck is Jack?”
“My brother,” she said truthfully. It wasn’t a lie because he was her brother. It didn’t matter that they didn’t share a parent. Jack was her guardian angel. And now she was his.
His grip around her loosened the tiniest bit and he went back to smoothing his palm up and down her arm.
“Nobody wanted us when we were young, and so we were in and out of foster homes. Sometimes we got split up. Other times we were together. Mostly in group homes of some sort. As we got older, we rebelled, especially if we were going to be placed apart. We got into trouble. A lot.”
Jace kissed her temple and left his lips there a long moment, offering her silent support.
She pondered a moment the best way to get the nuts and bolts of her past out without spending a lot of time on details. The story wasn’t pret
ty. It definitely wasn’t all hearts and flowers. The very last thing she wanted was for Jace to feel sorry for her. But he needed to know enough to understand what he was getting into. Just like he wanted. She knew he wouldn’t want her after finding out the mess she was. But at least she had one more night where she could pretend that things were very different for her.
Sadness gripped her and she knew it showed in her expression. Jace brushed his knuckles down her cheek and she could see his frown from the corner of her eye.
“Tell me, Bethany. It won’t make a damn bit of difference.”
But she knew it would. It always did. It always would.
She sucked in a deep breath and plunged forward. Better to have done with it quickly. Like ripping off a bandage instead of peeling it slowly. “When I was eighteen, I was in a bad car accident. I was in the hospital for months. Broke both legs. It really sucked. I had to basically learn to walk again. Lots of therapy. The pain was overwhelming. I got hooked on painkillers. In the beginning, my using them was absolutely a legitimate medical necessity. When I took them, everything was better. No pain. They made me confident, able to face the world. They made everything seem not so bad and hopeless. I began to need them, not for physical pain, but for emotional well-being. When I tried to go off them, it was horrible.”
A low growl escaped Jace’s throat and she blinked back tears. Of course he’d disapprove. He was probably disgusted with her weakness. Jace didn’t strike her as a person who ever needed anything or anyone. He was strong. She wasn’t. She never had been.
“That was what the drug possession charge was for,” she mumbled. “I was no longer able to get the prescription from my doctor and the pain and psychological effects were so horrible. I just couldn’t cope. So I did something stupid and I bought them . . . illegally. What’s bad is that I didn’t even use them. I got caught in a sweep. Didn’t have a prescription. Got arrested for having a schedule-three controlled substance. I got off with a slap on the wrist, but it was a hard lesson to learn. Even though I got off pretty light, it fucked up a lot for me. It’s hard to get a job when you have that arrest on your record. No one wants to hire an addict.”
Jace squeezed her to him and she felt him tremble against her. Anger? She couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t bear to see the censure in his eyes. She’d beat herself up enough over the years. She wasn’t going to let someone else do it for her.
“You said Ash and I were a relapse. You said that night that you’d had a threesome before. Where does that fit in?” Jace asked quietly.
More shame crawled over her shoulders until they slumped downward and her lips drooped in dejection.
“Baby,” Jace said in an aching voice. “Everything. You tell me everything, we’ll never talk about it again unless you want to. But you need to get that shit out. It’s like poison. And until you realize that it doesn’t change a goddamn thing for me, it’ll eat at you. You’ll always worry. So we get it out, put it to rest and then we move forward. Okay?”
She nodded, a roar in her ears. She couldn’t possibly believe what he was saying. He didn’t know everything. He was trying to be noble, but he wouldn’t feel that way when she finished.
“When I was trying to get off the meds, I went through a really bad time when I tried a lot of bad things to cope with withdrawal and the psychological dependence on the drugs. I used sex as a balm, only it never worked. It only made me feel worse about myself. I had several partners during that time,” she said painfully. “Threesomes. One on one. It didn’t really matter to me. I was just looking for something to ease the pain. Just needed a way to escape for a little while. I wanted to be . . . wanted. Loved.”
Jace hugged her even tighter to him, holding her against his chest so she couldn’t even move.
“I wasn’t so stupid that I didn’t use condoms. The guys were probably worried they’d catch something from me. I had a reputation, Jace,” she whispered. “It wasn’t a good one.”
She nearly choked on the words. Hated admitting that. Hated putting it out there that way. But she wasn’t going to lie. Jace deserved to know everything. He was a good guy. Too good to be true. He didn’t deserve to be saddled with someone like her.
“What the fuck is going on in your head right now?” Jace demanded, his voice cutting through her morose thoughts.
“You deserve better.”
Jace swore viciously. “You’re honest. Blunt. Normally I’d like that. Hell, I’d love it. I appreciate honesty and someone who speaks the truth without regard to consequences. But goddamn it, Bethany. I deserve better? What the ever-loving fuck is that about? What about what you deserve? Have you ever given thought to that?”
She didn’t have an answer to that question.
Jace shook his head and squeezed her harder. “I don’t care how long it takes, baby. You’re going to see you like I see you. You’re going to get it through your head that you deserve better. And I’m going to make damn sure you get it.”
She swallowed and breathed back the tears. How could he see her as anything? He didn’t know her.
“What else?” Jace asked. “Give it all to me. Get me to where you are right now.”
“There’s not much else to tell,” she mumbled. “After the drug possession charge and the string of meaningless sex partners, things just disintegrated. It was my fault. I could have done better. I could have been more responsible. But I wasn’t and I paid the price. No one would hire me and I didn’t have the money to go to school and make a better life by getting an education. The accident took so many months out of my life. And I was tired and beaten down. I couldn’t even think beyond the next day, much less look ahead a few years to see what life could be like down the road.”
“Jesus,” Jace muttered. “How old are you now?”
Her brows scrunched together. “Your investigation didn’t tell you that?”
“I said I knew a lot. I didn’t say I knew everything,” he said dryly. “I hit the important points. Your age doesn’t mean jack shit to me, unless you tell me you’re still a minor.”
The attempt at a joke heartened her, injecting just a tiny bit of lightness into her chest.
“I’m twenty-three,” she said, wincing even as she said it. Way too old not to have her shit together. Way too old to be homeless, uneducated and jobless.
“Still a babe,” he murmured.
She glanced sharply at him. “How old are you?”
“Thirty-eight.”
Her eyes widened. There was fifteen years’ difference between them. Fifteen!
“And Ash?” she choked out.
“Same.” Suddenly his voice was clipped and he didn’t look happy that she’d mentioned Ash.
“Wow,” she mumbled. “I would have never guessed you were thirty-eight. You’re fifteen years older than I am.”
“So?”
She blinked at the blunt assessment. She glanced up to see challenge in his eyes.
“Does it bother you?” he asked, though his tone suggested he didn’t really care if it bothered her. He looked determined and resolute.
“Doesn’t it bother you?” she asked hesitantly. “Surely there are more sophisticated women you could have. Educated. Older. Better.”
His jaw bulged as he clenched it. “Now you’re just pissing me off.”
She sighed unhappily.
“You didn’t answer my question. Does it bother you?” he persisted.
What could she say? If she were truthful it would only seal her fate even tighter. If she said it did bother her, he might not even care. Or it would make her look like a superficial bitch.
“Bethany?”
“No,” she blurted. “It doesn’t bother me. The age difference, I mean. But it doesn’t mean that we can do this or that you should have anything to do with me. I’m so wrong for you, Jace. You have to see that. We live in completely different worlds. So different that I can’t even fathom the differences. I’ll never come close to your life.”
“The
re’s only one world,” Jace said, anger tightening his voice. “We live in the same goddamn world, Bethany. More important, you’re there. I see you. I want you. You’re here in front of me. If that doesn’t put you solidly in my fucking world, then I don’t know what does.”
Her pulse accelerated until she was lightheaded and working to squeeze air into her lungs.
“Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way, you’re finally going to tell me who the fuck put their hands on you and why.”
He sounded super pissed off again, only this time she knew he was in no way angry with her. He was furious, yes. No doubt there. There was a blackness and rage in his eyes that made her shiver.
She bit her lips and looked away, her stomach bottoming out. He’d never understand. So far, she’d left out a lot of her relationship with Jack, revealing only that he was her brother and that they were close. Jace would never ever understand. Not in a million years. He wouldn’t care what Jack had done for her or that she owed him so damn much that she’d do anything—anything at all—to repay that debt. Even go to hell and back.
“Bethany.”
Her name came out in a warning growl. He was losing his patience, and so far he’d displayed a remarkable amount of said patience. She was lucky he hadn’t throttled her by now. She got from him that he wasn’t used to being denied anything. He was a man who got what he wanted. People didn’t tell him no. Not if they valued their skin.
She let out a forlorn-sounding sigh.
“What are you into?” he asked softly.
Her eyes flew open and she whirled to meet his gaze, her own earnest and imploring. “I’m not into anything.”
Her response was so vehement that it was obvious he accepted it as truth. He relaxed only the slightest bit, but there was still fire in his eyes.
“Tell me, Bethany. Don’t make me ask again.”
The authority in his voice made her pulse react. Power emanated from him. Her heart thudded painfully against her chest wall and she licked her lips repeatedly as she worked up the courage to tell him the last of it.
“Jack owes money,” she whispered.
Jace’s gaze narrowed instantly. “Say that again?”
She cleared her throat. “Jack owes money. They want it. He can’t repay it. They threatened me. Said I had a week to come up with it.”
She rushed on, not allowing Jace to respond. She was afraid of his response and so she recklessly surged forward, talking fast. She was probably incomprehensible, but at the moment she didn’t care.
“I can’t come up with that kind of money in a month, much less a week! Jobs are hard to find right now. Everyone picks up odd jobs during the holidays. And I don’t look the part to do the better stuff. They took all the cash I had. It was all I had to eat with. To survive on until the next job comes through. I don’t know what to do, Jace. I’m terrified for Jack.”
Jace’s mouth gaped open and he stared incredulously at her. “You’re scared for Jack.”
She nodded.
“You’re scared for Jack,” he said again, with more emphasis.
Again she nodded.
“God-fucking-damn. Those bastards came at you. They hurt you. They fucking threatened you! And you’re scared for Jack.”
“Yes,” she whispered.
He exploded in a litany of eyebrow-scorching curses that had her wincing. He turned, letting her loose as he sat forward on the couch, his hands clenched together between his thighs.
“Son of a bitch,” he snapped. “Did it ever occur to you to be scared for yourself?”
She swallowed and nodded. “After today, yeah.”
He turned swiftly back to her. His eyes sparked with anger.
“What I want to know is how they even knew about you,” he said in a soft, furious voice.
It was a question Bethany had asked herself. Repeatedly. Ever since they’d shoved her to the ground, stolen her money and kicked her in the ribs. Why had they come after her? How did they even know of her existence?
Jack wouldn’t . . . She shook her head, because she was being stupid. How else would they have known? How would they have known how to find her? Jack had to have told someone. And that broke her heart.
Tears pricked her eyelids and they stung. It was like having acid in her eyes.
“Tell me what happened, Bethany,” Jace said in a more gentle tone. He was
