by Maya Banks
someone—a strong, dominant male like Jace—sweep in and take care of her. Make decisions. Pamper her shamelessly.
She’d never had that. She craved it.
She wasn’t someone who longed for independence and to be self-sufficient. She’d been independent since she was a child. She’d been self-reliant her entire life. No one had ever taken care of her. Except Jack. And she’d done as much for him as he’d done for her.
Just once, she wanted someone to care about her. Just her. To take the burden from her. To make decisions. And she just wanted to live. To enjoy not having to worry about where her next meal came from, or whether she had a place to sleep. She wanted tenderness.
She wanted . . . love.
She sucked in her breath at that particular revelation because it was dangerous to want something she may never well have. Jace wanted her, yes. She didn’t doubt that. But for how long? He couldn’t love her. He didn’t know her. He didn’t even trust her.
What they had was physical and evidently she appealed to the protector in Jace. It was who he was. But she knew she wasn’t his equal no matter what he said. They were an ocean apart. So different that she couldn’t even relate to his life and she knew he certainly couldn’t relate to hers.
She stared at the rug again, fists clenched at her sides.
And then before she was fully cognizant of doing so, she sank slowly to her knees.
Jace stood in the doorway, watching as a myriad of emotions crossed Bethany’s face. It was obvious she was struggling with her decision. He could see confusion and sadness in her eyes. But he also saw need.
He wasn’t even aware that he was holding his breath until his lungs protested and burned. He sucked in through his nose, his gaze never leaving Bethany. She didn’t even know he was there watching. It would likely make her uncomfortable to know he could so clearly see her vulnerability.
And then she sank slowly to her knees and relief burned through his chest, robbing him of air.
She was submitting. And he knew well that she understood the significance of kneeling as he’d requested. He’d seen her entire thought process play out in those expressive, beautiful eyes.
He was weak with relief.
No, everything wasn’t solved. He didn’t have this in the bag. They still had a long way to go, but this was a huge step forward in the progression of their relationship.
It was a start.
He walked forward and her chin lifted, her gaze meeting his. He wanted nothing more than to wipe that fear and uncertainty from her eyes, but he knew only time would do that. Time and patience. He had to be willing to wait for as long as it took for her to fully come to terms with her place in his life.
He had a lifetime of her feeling second-rate to overcome and that wasn’t going to happen in a day, a week or even a month. But damn if he wasn’t going to do everything in his power to show her that he wasn’t going anywhere.
He reached out to cup her cheek, allowing his fingers to glide over her silky skin.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said hoarsely. “I can’t tell you the satisfaction it gives me to see you kneeling here, waiting for me. For the pleasure I’ll give you.”
Her eyes warmed, chasing some of the insecurity away. She smiled hesitantly, a sweet, shy smile that made his knees go weak.
God. What was it about this woman that inspired such an overwhelming response in him? Maybe he’d never know. Maybe this was what happened when you met your other half.
He nearly cringed at the cheesiness of such a thought, but he couldn’t explain it any better than that. The women he’d been with before were filler. He’d been biding his time, waiting. For Bethany.
He’d seen Gabe through a marriage that had never been rooted in deep, abiding love. He’d seen his friend fuck his way through a multitude of women. And it was not until Jace had seen Gabe with Mia that he’d seen his friend come so alive.
Soul mates.
Gabe and Mia were soul mates. It was there to see in every look, every touch. Every time Gabe so much as glanced in Mia’s direction.
And now all the things he’d found so baffling about Gabe’s reaction to Mia were here in front of him.
“Do you trust me, Bethany?” Jace asked as his hand traveled into her hair, tugging slightly so that her head craned farther back.
Their gazes were locked and he saw hesitation in her brilliant blue eyes. His gut tightened. He hadn’t realized how badly he wanted her trust. How important it was to him.
She was allowing him free rein. She was ceding power to him. She was submitting to him.
But without her trust, what did he really have?
“I don’t know the rules,” she said in a quiet voice. “I know you’re asking me to . . . submit. To you. But I don’t know the rules, Jace. Do I need permission to speak freely? To tell you what I’m thinking? To answer honestly the question you just asked me? I don’t know how this works and I don’t want to mess up before we even begin.”
Jace dropped down to his knees, positioning himself so they were on eye level. No way in hell he’d have this kind of conversation in a position of dominance. This was too important.
He cupped her face in both hands and kissed her forehead. Just one gentle kiss and then he pulled away.
“You never have to seek permission to tell me what you’re thinking.”
Didn’t she realize that her thoughts were the gateway to her? He had to know what she was thinking so he could work his way into her heart and soul.
She visibly swallowed and then inhaled sharply through her nose.
“I think the more important question is whether you trust me.”
His eyes widened and for a moment he was at a loss as to how to respond.
Her lips trembled and she forged ahead, clearly afraid and yet determined to speak her mind.
“You thought . . . You thought some pretty terrible things about me, Jace. I know what I did didn’t help, but you jumped to conclusions that tell me you think the worst of me. I know we don’t know each other well. You don’t know me. But that you thought I was playing you, that I was stealing from you . . .”
She broke off, inhaling deeply as if to compose herself.
Then she lifted her gaze and stared directly into his, her eyes earnest and awash with vulnerability.
“Why would you even want to sleep with me?” she whispered. “Why would you want . . . this . . . ?” She swept her hand down her body and around, clearly indicating her position. Her submissiveness.
“I know that this . . . arrangement . . . or relationship, whatever it is that we’re doing, requires a lot of trust on my part. But it has to involve your trust as well. Besides the fact that I can’t imagine why you’d want to have sex with a woman you think so poorly of, why would I want to give myself to a man who found me so . . . repugnant?”
His fingers tightened at her shoulders and then he forced himself to relax his grip. He’d bruise her, and he never wanted to hurt her. He took his hands away, not trusting himself not to squeeze her even tighter.
She looked hurt at his withdrawal and he let out a groan. He could do nothing right where she was concerned. Every touch, every word out of his mouth. It all came out wrong. He was fucking it up and this was too important. It was everything.
For the first time in his life, he was scared. Because he knew if he didn’t handle this just right, he’d lose her. And that wasn’t an option. No matter what it took, no matter what he had to do, she had to be part of his life.
Dear God, he was precariously close to begging, and he’d never begged for anything.
He cleared his throat and rocked back on his heels, his throat clogged with everything he needed to say.
Then he rose, extending his hand down to her. She glanced at him in puzzlement but slipped her hand into his. Yet another sign of her trust. Trust he hadn’t been able to return or make her feel.
He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her naked body into his hold, cradl
He rested his chin atop her slim shoulder and then turned his mouth down to kiss her skin. He inhaled deep, capturing her scent and savoring it.
“I’m sorry.”
She went still, her gaze directed at the far wall. He reached up, slid his finger underneath her chin and gently redirected her gaze to him.
“You’re right. I said and thought terrible things. It wasn’t fair to you. I was afraid, Bethany. Terrified,” he amended. “I reacted badly. This is new territory for me. I’ve never been so . . . I’ve never been so fucked up over a woman before. I’m used to control. You know this about me, or at least you’ve gotten hints. For the space of those few hours, I had none. I couldn’t protect you. I had no control over what happened to you. It freaked me the hell out. And I took that out on you.”
“I understand,” she said softly.
He shook his head. “No. You don’t. And you shouldn’t have to. You explained what happened, and while I don’t agree with what you did, I had no excuse for the things I accused you of. I have a temper, baby. You’ll get to know that as well. I’m not used to things being beyond my control. But what you need to understand is that I’ll never hurt you. Or at least I’ll try very hard not to. Physically, it isn’t ever going to happen. But I’ll say shit because I’m pissed. I was afraid and I don’t handle that well. I can’t guarantee it’s never going to happen again. But you need to know ahead of time that I’m not going to mean it. I know I’m asking a lot, but I need for you to be able to ignore me when I’m pissed and saying shit that hurts you. I’ll try like hell not to do it, but I know me. My friends know me. I’ve been a dick to the people I care most about. You. Gabe. Ash. My own sister. But I know it hurts you. You aren’t used to me. You can’t see what’s behind the anger and the things I say in the heat of the moment. But you will know me, Bethany. You’ll know me because I’m not going anywhere, and what’s between us is only going to grow stronger. I need you to believe that. I need you to want it as much as I want it because that’ll tell me that you’ll stick around and weather it with me.”
Her eyes rounded in shock. Her expression was one of utter amazement. She gripped one of his arms, her fingers digging deep, and he doubted she even realized it.
Her lips parted and he waited as she collected her thoughts. He could see her processing all he’d said. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he’d processed it yet. This spilling his guts was not something he indulged in on a regular basis. Or ever, for that matter. He’d never felt so goddamn vulnerable in his life and he didn’t like it one bit.
He felt as though someone had opened him up and he was bleeding out in front of her.
“So what do you want from me?” she whispered. “I mean, really want? What am I to you, Jace? A fling? A temporary submissive? A charity case? You have to understand that I’m scared too. I don’t know what you want from me. You’ve done so much for me but I’m afraid to embrace it because all I can think is that if you toss me out tomorrow, it’s going to be that much harder to go back to my life. I’d rather never have known you and been able to savor our relationship than to suddenly be stripped bare and return to the existence I’ve led until now.
“I’ve lived it most of my life. Even the parts of my life when I wasn’t on the streets weren’t happy years. They were years of survival, of hoping for the best and usually not getting it. I’m okay with that life. It’s all I’ve ever known. But you’ve shown me a different life.”
Her voice cracked and the pain hit Jace in the chest, nearly suffocating him. He wanted to pull her into his arms and stop the bloodletting but he knew she needed to say this. They both needed it so they could forge ahead.
Tears filled her eyes and she looked so afraid that it gutted him all over again.
“You’ve shown me how things could be,” she whispered. “And I want it, Jace. I shouldn’t want it. I shouldn’t even dare to dream that something so beautiful could happen to me. But I want it all the same. But if you’re going to take it from me, if this is only temporary, some amusement for you, then I don’t want it because it will kill me to go back to my life.”
Tears slipped silently down her cheeks. To his shock, he found his own eyes burned, as if someone had thrown sand in his face.
“And I know it sounds crazy for me to be asking you this. We’ve known each other for such a short time. And it’s not fair for me to demand this of you. But I have to know because I can’t go back to where I came from after dreaming of how different things could be. Of dreaming how it would be to be with a man like you. Someone so far out of my league that I can’t even wrap my brain around it. Don’t lie to me. I need to know if that’s all this is to you. Just something to pass the time with. A new challenge. Please give me that much respect at least and let me go if I’ll never mean anything to you.”
No longer able to listen to the aching pain in her voice, he crushed her to him, holding her so tightly he could feel her heart thudding against his chest.
“God, Bethany. Jesus, baby, I don’t even know where to begin.”
“With the truth,” she said against his neck.
He pulled her away, his hands sliding almost frantically up and down her arms. He wanted to give her so much. Comfort. Reassurance. The words swirled in a cloud in his mind, but he had to get this sorted. He owed her the words. The truth she’d asked for, even if it stripped him utterly bare before her.
He sucked in a breath and leveled his gaze at her, hoping like hell she could see the sincerity in his eyes.
“The truth is I’ve never felt this way about another woman. The truth is I’m fucking obsessed with you. The truth is I want you in any way I can have you. The truth is if you told me right now that you could never submit to me, never give me what I want so badly from you, that it wouldn’t matter. I’d take you any way I could have you. The truth is I’m not letting you go.”
Hope stirred in her eyes and it hurt him to see how quickly she made it go away. As if she was afraid to allow that emotion in.
“I’m never letting you go back to the life you’ve led up ’til now, Bethany. No matter what happens with us. And even if you ever decide I’m not what you want or need, I’m not letting you go back there. Even if you won’t be with me, you’ll always be taken care of and provided for. Do you understand that?”
She slowly nodded, her bottom lip pulled firmly between her teeth. Her grip was so tight on it that she’d break skin and bleed. He gently nudged her mouth open, freeing her lip.
“What do you want, Jace?” she asked again. “I need to know what you expect from me. I can’t live with the uncertainty of not knowing if I’m doing it right or wrong or if I’m screwing up.”
He sighed and ran his hands up her body and then back down again. She was cold. Chill bumps dotted her torso and her skin was cool to his touch. All thoughts of sex fled. His arousal had waned. Not because he didn’t want her. Not because he wasn’t desperate to possess her. But because some things were more important than sex and satisfaction. “Get dressed, baby,” he said in a gentle voice.
Her gaze was immediately fearful.
He kissed her forehead. “You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re cold and we need to talk.” He hesitated another moment. “Would you come back to my apartment with me? I’ll fix you some hot chocolate and we’ll sit by the fire and we can talk. I’d like you to spend the night with me there.”
To his surprise, she wrapped her arms around him, pressing her naked body to his. She hugged him tightly.
“I’d like that,” she whispered.
chapter twenty-two
Bethany snuggled into Jace’s couch and stared at the flames flickering in the fireplace. She’d taken her shoes off and curled her feet underneath her as she waited for Jace to return with the hot chocolate he’d promised.
A moment later, he approached the couch and handed her a steaming mug. He too was barefoot and she found the image of him in jeans, casual T-shirt and bare feet extremely sexy. But the man was just gorgeous. Head to toe.
His hair was delectably mussed, flipping up at his collar, and a dark lock fell over his forehead until her fingers itched to straighten it.
He settled onto the couch beside her and scooted in close so their bodies were touching. Then he simply wrapped his arms around her, holding her as she sipped the cocoa. In between the times she brought the cup to her lips, he pressed his mouth to her temple, kissing her skin and then sliding over her hair to retreat when she took the next sip.
It was a moment she’d long remember. The simplicity of them sitting in front of the fire, barefoot, comfortable. Relaxed. Just being. No place they had to be. No stress. Well, if she didn’t count the impending conversation. But she’d gotten enough from Jace at her apartment to know that it would be all right. She was at peace, even though she still had hard questions to ask. Somehow she knew it would be okay, though. For the first time she could ever remember, she looked forward with anticipation and not dread. There was no resignation of her circumstances. Things were good.
They had things to discuss. She very much wanted to know what his expectations were. But he’d been completely sincere about wanting her. She believed him. Maybe that made her a fool, but she didn’t doubt that he was committed to whatever this was between them.
And so was she.
She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed in contentment when he propped his chin on top of her head. She savored the last sips of the chocolate and when she would have leaned forward to go put the cup away, Jace wrested it from her grasp and set it on the coffee table.
For a moment they settled back into position, her in his arms, and quiet descended as she stared into the fireplace’s glow. Then she shifted so she could look at him, saw the look on his face and knew he realized it was time as well.
“Can I ask you some questions?” she said before her courage deserted her.
He reached for her hand, squeezing reassuringly, and then he nodded. “You can ask me anything, Bethany.”
“What was it like with the other women you had this kind of arrangement with?”
He blew out his breath in a long exhale, and his words were carefully said. “Bethany, you aren’t like the other women.”
She added her sigh to his. “Okay. I get that. I don’t think you think I’m like your other women. This isn’t about me comparing or me being jealous or anything. But I need to know what you expect. I get that you want me to be submissive and you like control. But that doesn’t tell me anything specific. I need to know how it’s going to be with . . . us, and me asking how it was with your other women is just me trying to figure out your expectations. I’m working blind here and that’s what makes me nervous. Not you. I don’t think you’ll hurt me or freak me out. I just need to know what I’m supposed to do.”
He looked discomfited. He sighed again and then ran a hand through his hair, messing it up even more. It fell back over his forehead and this time she did reach up to smooth it. His gaze softened when she touched him, almost as if she’d given him much-needed reassurance.
“The first thing you have to understand is that Ash and I . . .” He broke off. “Jesus, there’s no way to say this without it sounding all sorts of fucked up.”
“Just say it,” she urged. “I’m not going to be angry. How could I be? You don’t hold my past against me. How could I hold yours against you?”
“You’re so damn sweet,” Jace murmured. “I don’t how I got so lucky. When I think what would have happened if I hadn’t seen you that night. If I hadn’t found you at the shelter . . . It guts me, Bethany.”
Her eyes widened and her heart pounded as his words washed over her, warm and so very sweet. She had to be dreaming. Never had she imagined meeting a man like Jace. He was so honest. So straightforward. He wasn’t afraid to share his feelings. He wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable.
He averted his gaze, took a deep breath and plunged ahead.
“Ash and I shared women. A lot of women. As in, it was a lot more normal for us to hook up with the same woman than it was for either of us to go solo. They weren’t always one-night stands either.”
“Like me,” she said softly.
His eyes narrowed. “No. Not like you at all. You were different from the very first.”
“Go on,” she urged, not wanting to distract him from their conversation.
“The thing is, we had threesomes a lot. I’m no saint, Bethany, and I damn sure haven’t lived as a monk. And like Ash told you that first night, we like control. In all aspects. It’s a kink. It’s a turn-on. But it goes deeper than that, at least for me. And maybe that’s why I never really got into a serious one-on-one relationship with a woman. As long as it was confined to a kinky threesome, it seemed to fit better. It came off more as a game and no one took it very seriously. But for me, it is serious. It’s what I like. It’s what I need. And if you want or need an explanation as to why, I’m sorry, but I can’t give that to you. It just is. I’ve never met a woman who made me consider suppressing that part of myself. Until . . . you.”
Her body tensed in alarm, her protest immediate. “Jace, I don’t want you to be someone else for me.”
“But you don’t know what you’re getting into,” he said in a low voice.
She shifted up on the couch, relieved they were finally getting somewhere. She pushed up, leaning closer to him, staring intently into his eyes.
“So tell me. Lay it out for me. How do you know what I can or can’t accept if you won’t tell me what your wants and needs are?”
“Because I’m afraid you won’t want the same things I do,” he admitted.
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